Petrified of vaginal birth!

[Kittykat93]

Hi everyone, this is my first post so please bare with me!!

I have been a lurker on mumsnet for many years but have made an account to post about this issue. Hopefully someone can help and/or tell me to get a grip !!

I am 18 weeks pregnant, and so happy. Pregnancy is going really well, supportive partner etc. There is one huge problem though, I have an absolutely awful fear of vaginal birth. Before I got pregnant I had told myself I could push the doctors for a cesarean and this is what I have always planned to do. (Please no bashing !!)

However, now I am actually facing the reality, I know that I need to be brave and do the right thing for the baby and this is to have a 'natural birth'. So although the thought terrifies me, I am going to try.

I don't really know what I'm hoping for by posting on here, maybe some postive stories of birth? I will definitely be opting for an epidural so also any experiences of that would be helpful. I have brought some books on childbirth and am too frightened to read them at the moment as it makes everything seem very real

Thanks for reading all

No experience of natural birth as I required a c-section (breech baby) but c-section is not a walk in the park. My friends who had straightforward vaginal deliveries were up and feeling normal again within a week. I was bedridden for a week and then didn't feel normal for maybe 4-6 weeks. DD is 19 months and the puffiness around the scar just started to go down maybe a month ago. Also I'm pregnant again and the scar is itching and uncomfortable.

Basically with normal delivery the pain is front loaded and with c-section it's back loaded.

I was so scared too. My pregnancy yoga teacher was so inspiring and pregnant with her second. Her classes changed my mindset and changed how I thought about my body and I felt in control. Also I wanted to improve my fitness/ Endurance in case of a long labour. If you feel well prepared it can make you feel less anxious.

Discuss and research all your options but if you decide to try for a vaginal birth I can't recommend hypnobirthing enough. I was also scared of birth and had a calm, empowering labour where I felt totally in control at all times. I put that entirely down to hypnobirthing (it also provides you with the tools to cope if there is a change of birth plan)

I should add that I was really sceptical and only did it as I thought it could do no harm but now I'm a huge advocate

@sycamore54321 I have to say I agree with your comment regarding the relentless pushing of Home births. I'm expecting my third child and despite being told categorically with my first baby Home births weren't possible I've still had them promoted both times since.

There are two things I recommend you do:

Talk to your midwife about your fears so she can recommend antenatal classes, hypno-birth courses, positive self-talk, counselling, whatever is appropriate. Practice, practice, practice before birth.

Remember that you cannot know how birth will go before or even during the event so concentrate on the here and now and not on the future maybes.

If I'd have gone into my son's birth knowing I would have a long, failed induction, ending in an emergency c-section, I would have been so anxious and worried and probably handled it much worse. As it is, I didn't know, and that definitely helped. I just took each turn of events as it came and went with the flow. I don't feel traumatised as I managed to stay calm throughout and the staff were great. I didn't dwell on the future, just on that particular contraction right now. Likewise, I didn't worry about the pushing stage, until it was upon me (which as it turned out, never happened). I practiced a lot of 'self-talk' beforehand, a bit like hypno-birthing I guess, although I never did an official course.

The c-section itself was fine, baby was fine. Recovery is hard, certainly not an easy option, but don't let people scare you. True, I couldn't get myself in and out of the bath or carry my son upstairs for 2 weeks afterwards, but it gets better quickly after that. I'm scheduled for another CS due to the complications in my first birth, and I'm happy with this decision.

Good luck OP. You can do it (and even if you can't, it doesn't have to be awful).

Just to say if you're in the U.K. there is no guarantee of an epidural. IME you get a lot of needless flak over not choosing a "natural birth". You can of course discuss your fears with a MW and consultant but they will be massively incentivised to push for vaginal delivery. Also check if your trust will even offer ELCS - many do not nowadays in direct contravention of RCOG guidelines.

Either way the baby will come out and you won't remember the pain. Honestly. And your body is perfectly designed to handle this. If you are genuinely feeling petrified start pushing for consultant appts and counselling early. Some trusts will eventually give you ELCS but takes a lot of pushing.

I felt a bit like you. I've had two vaginal deliveries, both with an epidural. It's not a pleasant experience - but it honestly wasn't that bad. I think just be upfront and very straightforward about wanting the pain relief from the start.

Unlike your partner's, your body is designed to do this. Mentally it might seem impossible, but remember all the other things your body is doing right now without you needing to understand how it manages it - keeping you at the right temperature, telling you which way up you are, digesting, fighting viruses etc etc. Trust yourself and prepare in whatever way makes you feel most confident and empowered. You got this

I had a very long one (back to back) and an easier one, both vaginal.

I was very very scared. I've never had any ops or even broken bones. Never been in hospital. Never really hurt myself to test a pain threshold! I am squeamish and prudish and quite stubborn. .

I'd do it again, in fact, if I hadn't have been so bloody ancient I would have. Don't laugh but I actually ENJOYED it. I am jealous of any pregnant woman and the (hopefully positive) birth experience will have. It's like nothing else I have ever ever experienced and doubt I will again. The power and euphoria - and what your body can do - it's amazing. And the feeling at the end as your body actually pushes that baby out - it's incredible. I didn't find out the gender either time and that helped me during labour.

Extreme fear of childbirth is a thing; it's called tokophobia. There's some useful advice here: www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/im-pregnant/mental-wellbeing/specific-mental-health-conditions/tokophobia

There's nothing wrong with having an elective c-section (ELCS) if that's what you want. The Nice guidelines state that a pregnant women who request a c-section for mental health reasons should be offered counselling to discuss/address their fears, and if they decline counselling or do it and still want a c-section afterwards, they should be able to have one.

However, if you'd like to try to reduce your anxiety and aim for a vaginal birth, I strongly recommend hypnobirthing and pregnancy yoga.

I was the same as you i was petrified of childbirth (I was 18 when I gave birth) my boyfriend was very supportive throughout the whole 8 hour birth which made things slightly easier ,I just had gas and air as I wanted to do things as natural as possible but as previous comments have said... once childbirth starts things aren't as bad as you imagine in your head

Good luck with everything!

Looking back I wasn't very assertive with my first and second babies, just went along with whatever the midwives or doctors said, they're the experts yadda yadda. I got through them of course and would do it all again in a heartbeat.

I'm not kidding, no matter how awful it's like men in black and that flashy thing, 6 weeks later the details are hazy and you can't wait to have another baby!

With my third I was being induced and demanded the epidural at the same time and received it (as I looked like I meant business!) and it was a lovely birth! No pain and hours of playing on my phone and eating snacks, then suddenly midwife said chin to chest start pushing and two pushes and there he was! I couldn't believe how pleasant it was compared to the others, why didn't I just demand one right away!

So I say have in your notes beforehand that you want an epidural and go there with your determined no messing around face!

Get an epidural, wonderful - I didn't feel a thing.

+1 sycamore my thoughts exactly.

I think this is all going to change a lot when the NHS starts advising women on the risks of natural birth rather than just C-sections.

I was too scared of vaginal birth and I talked to the midwife. But I decided after talking to a few things I'd have a epidural. I felt absolutely nothing only the little man pushing against my ribs at one point to get out but that didn't last long and it was more like a stitch.
I am now pregnant again after 3 years or deciding if I wanted to do it again incase I couldn't have epidural. But I'm definitely having an epidural again. I was more relaxed and pain free and didn't worry .

I did NCT with DC1 and ive done Daisy birthing this time round. Daisy is a lot more about breathing and techniques you can use (google active birthing). Some bits can be a bit hippy (which I'm not) but it's all based in science and I know two people who have given birth vaginally who it really helped. And no I don't work for them

I'm not kidding, no matter how awful it's like men in black and that flashy thing, 6 weeks later the details are hazy and you can't wait to have another baby!

I'm glad you felt that way but it wasn't my experience. I still remember every detail unfortunately

OP, it's great that people have come on here and told you positive stories about their births but after hearing similar during my pregnancy I felt betrayed and angry following the birth of DS. I missed my chance for an epidural and gave birth with pethidine (which was absolutely useless) and gas and air (which made me feel ill and didn't even touch the pain). I didn't have a natural birth as the baby got stuck and ventouse had to be used. I was left with some very painful birth injuries and horrible memories.

Natural birth is great for some people but not all. It's a surprisingly small number of women who give birth with no interventions.

Two of my friends had ELCSs and both have raved about how great it was.

ELCS isn't necessarily worse for the baby or you, and if you're so scared then I would recommend you really think about it. I will, next time.

One word - epidural

I think this is a really important point by Sycamore:

"In general, overall order of safety for both mother and baby if all else is equal is (1) uncomplicated vaginal delivery (2) planned CS (3) emergency CS (4) complicated vaginal delivery. The tricky bit is there is absolutely no reliable way to tell which vaginal deliveries will be 1 and which will be 4."

I think it would be the same order for recovery times, too - recovery from an uncomplicated vaginal delivery is quicker than from a c-section, but a vaginal birth with complications can cause serious injuries. As PPs have said, there is a lot less emphasis on the risks of vaginal birth than on the risks of c-sections.

Like Fartniss I have a friend who had an ELCS (hers was due to tokophobia) and she was very happy with how smoothly it went and with her recovery.

I had a vaginal birth (with more interventions that I'd hoped for; you have to be flexible!!) but I would always pick an ELCS over an EMCS or a vaginal birth with serious complications - not that you can predict what will happen.

I too felt sick with panic at the thought of a vaginal birth. I'm very private / insecure when it comes to my body and as stupid as it sounds the thought of opening my legs for strangers freaked me out ! I've never even had a smear test!

Not only that people love telling horror stories.

I was lucky I had three vaginal births and what I learnt is it's your body, take control, it's a natural thing so let nature help, let your body guide you in to the right position, let gravity help, and stay home for as long as possible. BUT try and enjoy the amazing experience. My first wasn't not how I wanted but at the end I had an amazing perfect baby, and a previous poster was right you will feel amazing so strong and powerful

I hypnobirthed with my first and had an epidural birth with my second and both were amazing. I'd do either again in a heartbeat.

I didn't go in for all the airy fairy bollocks but did read up on the mechanical side of it all in that the more relaxed you are, the easier your uterus opens your cervix as tensing against the pain makes it hurt more. So my goal was to relax as much as I could during each contraction.

It hurt but it was a positive pain rather than that awful pain of a stubbed toe... or a paper cut

I was lucky that my first labor was very straightforward and easy. First contraction and waters breaking to baby in 4 hours. I was able to take a breath between each contraction for example.
The biggest thing for me was that I was listened to by my OBGYN. He knew how I wanted to labor and I knew that I would ask for pain relief if I needed it. We can request pain relief at any point here (as long as baby isn't crowning, there's very little point then!)

I was terrified of a c-section, operations gave me the willies so I wanted to avoid but absolutely knew that if I needed one I would be only too happy to have one.

DS2 was a little different, he wasn't well in utero and almost had to come out at 30 weeks. As it was, we managed to keep him in until 38 weeks but I had to have a fully monitored birth which meant no moving around. I had an epidural at 4cms when my contractions were every 30 seconds and I knew I wouldn't be in control if I continued. So the epi went in, I fell asleep and was woken by OBGYN at 10cms to push (6 hours later). He arrived in 3 pushes and no tears.

The fear stems from the fear of pain and not being heard which is totally normal, but being in control is what gives us confidence.

In your position, I would take a hypnobirth course if only for the relaxation techniques - I would also request an epi as early as possible if you feel out of control of the pain.

I only didn't fear childbirth because I knew I could get pain relief whenever I wanted and I feel it's barbaric to allow women to labor without it.

Yes women have been doing this since the dawn of time but modern medicine means we should never have to "suffer" through it if we don't have to.

@kittykat93

I am also naturally sceptical but am finding that listening to the Sophie Fletcher Mindful hypnobirthing tracks is helping me feel ready to have my bean (soon) with the added benefit of sending me off to sleep in minutes

Friend's birth didn't quite go to plan with induction that didn't progress and then a section then baby in SCBU for a week but she said that hypobirthing REALLy helped her stay calm throughout all that

And OP, if you think you want an epidural, that won't lead to a 'natural birth'

You won't be able to move or put yourself in an optimal position to help baby and so intervention is far more likely. And in my area it would mean no midwife led unit. Plus as PP have said, it's dependent on anaesthetist being available, not doing a crash section etcetc and you arriving at the right time for it to work

But who has told you 'it's the right thing' anyway????????? And that you have to try.

My birth with DD was perfect. No rips or tears, just had gas and air. I started having contractions in the early hours, stayed at home bouncing on a Pilates ball, pacing my mums kitchen and swearing at DP until 7pm when we went to hospital (against the nurse on the phones advice as she said if I could still speak I wasn't even close) when we got there the midwife said I was 7-8cm dilated, dd was born at 11pm. I tried to see the pain as positive, every little bit was bringing me closer to meeting my baby, and my god is gas and air amazing! I had wanted a home birth but dd came 2 days before we moved into our new house and we were staying with my parents and they understandably weren't keen on me giving birth in their house so had to do it in hospital. I had been doing perineal massage for a few weeks with almond oil and I think that was why I didn't tear.

Keeping calm is important as the adrenaline slows things down. If the thought of having a vaginal birth is making you panicky and stressed then talk to your midwife or consultant about it and state your preference for a C section, and the other pain relief available as epidurals can reduce sensation to the point you don't feel your body telling you to push my DM says she wishes she didn't have one with me and was much happier with just gas and air with my DB. People do vaginal swabs now if they are having c sections so that the baby is still exposed to the microbes from the vagina that help kick start their digestive system. Doing the best thing for you is doing the best thing for the baby at the end of the day.