I dont want to give birth

[obeliaboo]

Yes, i know at 36 & 6 its a bit late now.
Ive tried watching videos, and i end up having a panic attack.
I've tried asking my midwife but each one i see has said they would discuss my pain relief options after i attended an ante-natal/parentcraft class.
Well i attended, and i still dont have any idea what to do or a birth 'plan' on my record.
I dont want a c-section, but i dont want to give birth at all.
Im in complete denial. I've never feared pain in the sense of having experienced pain, but having no knowledge of this kind of pain.

Help :(

I totally understand how you feel! I managed though and all was ok. There is a book called 'Birth Skills' which is really helpful for coping skills during birth.

Birth only lasts for a finite amount of time, and there are always drugs!

I never made a birth plan, if I had to write one now, after two births I still wouldn't know what I wanted to say. I just went with the flow.

Birth skills is indeed a great book (by Juju Sundin). Lots of ways to prepare yourself for coping with the various stages of labour and pain. Also not all 'natural birthy' as she gives visualisations and tips for pushing with an epidural and also if you have an emergency c section. Really worth reading.

It is scary as shit, because you have no idea what is coming, and you have read a million scare stories. On the other hand, women are having babies every day, every hour, every minute. In hospitals, at home, in huts, in fields. And they have been doing so for a very long time. A lot of them do it more than once.

Nothing can really prepare you for what is coming. The only comfort you have is that your body was made for this. Even if you don't believe it, your body knows what to do. You can't actually prepare or rehearse. You don't need a birth plan. If your only plan is "give me pain relief", then that's fine.

I (and every other mother I know) felt exactly the same as you. You can do it.

I am so sorry for you.

I hated the idea of giving birth, it was a complete unknown and I didn't want to do it.

But, you know what, it kind of creeps up on you. Your contractions start very mildly and slowly. You do not get continuous pain.

If the pain does get too much just tell someone and ask what they suggest. You don't have to have everything planned. (Baby doesn't know what the plan is anyway)

Just relax, enjoy the experience and look forward to meeting your baby

Please don't be scared, yes it's painful, yes it's the unknown and the hardest job you'll ever do. But once it starts and you're in that zone you just go with it and once it's over you will honestly feel so happy and proud and wonder why you were so scared xx

It is unfair, isn't it? People either tell you about their amazing natural earthmotherly experiences, which seem a bit too good to be true, or the horror stories, that you really don't need to know, so you end up feeling totally unprepared.

I remember being quite shocked on discovering contractions weren't a completely unknown/novel experience. I always had fairly grotty periods, and remember in the early stages of birth thinking "Oh, is that all birth is? Contractions are just period pains, aren't they?"

As things progress, contractions do become a bit more overwhelming than period pains - less sharp pains, more sort of waves. I found it hugely helpful to have my husband count backwards during the contractions - 10, 9, 8 etc. That way the end was in sight each time. You just have to ride the wave to get to 1, then you get a rest. He did once get it wrong and count up - I nearly clocked him one, as it suggested that that contraction wouldn't necessarily end!!

And then when the waves get really big, and you get tired, you can ask for an epidural, if you don't want to ride them out anymore.

HTH

Hire a doula?

There's only two options and you can't just stay pregnant forever. It's natural to be nervous but honestly, accept the fact that it's going to be a painful experience and hope for the best. When your baby arrives you'll only care that they're okay.

Oh and don't forget the drugs help like your wouldn't believe, don't make a birth plan just relax and go with it x

Realising that "the only way out is through" helped me a lot. No point in fighting it, the baby will come one way or another.

What sort of videos are you watching? Have you tried watching videos of hypnobirths?
I know it is scary the first time, you have no idea what to expect really. But it doesn't last forever.
I'm about to have my second birth, and I feel much more positive this time.
See if you can find a local hypnobirthing practitioner to do some relaxation exercises with you?

I was terrified of giving birth, but in the end it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd imagined. It starts slowly, and is initially more like period pain. Then the contractions gradually get more and more painful. when I reached the point where I thought I couldn't take much more (I was on gas & air), I basically demanded an epidural (probably the first time I've ever demanded anything!). They said it would take about 6-7 contractions to kick in, but actually it 'took' straight away and the rest of labour was a breeze!

I had been scared of having a panic attack (I have quite severe anxiety anyway), but by the time the baby arrived I was incredibly chilled out and relaxed! DH said I went very quiet during contractions - I think there's a weird sort of focus that comes over you and you just get on with it.

Honestly, it'll be ok. As long as you're not too set on how you want it to go (eg "I don't want drugs" or something), just go with the flow and don't be scared to ask for pain relief. The midwives are well used to dealing with women who are scared, and they'll know how to help.

Have a look at hypnobirthing - loads and loads of people feel like you do and have relaxation techniques and self-hypnosis really helpful.

Fwiw, the pain is painful but quite different from other pains IMO.
It helped me to remind myself that this labour pain would never come back once it was gone.
You are also pain free between contractions, so there is time to gather your wits and remember to breathe etc.
Overall labour and delivery have been the single most exhilarating things I've ever done (and that includes sky diving )

I hope you find a way to not be scared - fear makes all pain worse, so if you can accept it and 'go with' it, it will be easier.

Does your health trust have a peri-natal emotional well-being service? If so, please ask your mw for a referral so they can help you through your birth options.

Also look at the Positive Birth Movement and see if there are any local reps or meetings. It can be very affirmative to just see that lots of women manage to give birth without fear.

Good luck

We all know your panic and fear lovely! But its totally doable and the contractions really do start slowly. Mine were really like period pains but not constant in the same way. They build up, peak and then stop. I breathed through it all and by the time we got to hospital it turned out I was already fully dilated. Little one came about 3 hours later. I used the birthing pool and gas & air. LOVED them both, but gas and air really took the edge off for me.

Even after I'd had my DD, I knew I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I could, so you'll do fine. I'm not in the least bit hippy, but our babies and our bodies really do know what to do, its just letting go and letting yourself believe it thats the hard part. You could try getting one of the natal hypnotherapy cds to listen to from here on in. Its lot of calming repetition that you can fall asleep listening to, basically NLP, but I found it worked a treat for me. I really can't stand hospitals and dread being told to be calm, but the cd really helped me.

I think the main point about a birthing plan is that it helps you get your thoughts together about the process. Ultimately, you don't know exactly how its going to go but its good to be informed and for me to have my DP on side and understanding my fears and concerns. There was an an acronym that I found very useful which helped guide my DP in terms of my approach to any potential medical intervention. It was: BRAIN - what are the Benefits, Risks, Alternatives, does it have to be done Immediately, what happens if we do Nothing?

Once I knew Dp was on board with this, I panicked far less. I knew I wouldn't be rushed into anything and that any or each medical decision or suggestion would be approached calmly. Because when it's happening, you need someone on your side to be asking these questions - you'll be a little busy!

You can do this and seriously the wonder and sense of achievement at the other side, you'll feel you can do anything.

Take very good care of yourself and seriously look into the natal hypnotherapy cds, anything that gets you to relax into the process will help you no end.
x

I was in denial about birth.. I went to see the consultant at 38+ 5 and was told I would be induced the next day so I had to go home pack, buy nursing bras.

Is it the pain you are most worried about. I found it helpful to think in terms of every contraction I was a step closer to meeting my baby.

I never gave it much thought to be honest. but tell yourself this if a 12 year old girl can do it why cant you!

Please don't be afraid. I'm a bit worried about telling people about my labour because it was so...straightforward. Painful, yeah, but totally doable... contractions are like period pain and you get a break in between, then pushing is like the stinging you get from straining when you have diarrhoea. No worse than food poisoning honestly in my opinion!
I had a good experience yes but there's no reason you cant too. Try and relax and let yourself feel the excitement that soon you will be meeting your baby!

And that is not meant in a nasty way, I meant to say be more confident in yourself. Perhaps also get a hypnobirthing cd from amazon. It helped me immensely 2nd time round when I gave birth at home unexpectely, without any help or gas and air (hubby was on phone to 999, useless at ever!)

Agree with every contraction being a step closer is a good way to think about it
But at 36 weeks you aren't ready to give birth yet ...you have another 3 weeks or so...remember thinking something similar at some stage, I just can't do this.
I have a theory (completely nothing but personal experience to back it up) that by the time you need to give birth you are so fed up with being the size of a whale, not being able to see your feet/tie your shoelaces, go for longer than 5 mins without peeing etc etc etc...you'd do ANYTHING just to get it out ...makes birth a lot less scary, more a means to an end ...
Also think about people who just pop them out without raising a sweat - it happens - some people don't even realise they are in labour - so as unlikely as it is that could always be you ....

Natal hypnotherapy CDs, you can also download them. Brilliant for reducing stress, stopping panic and reducing pain.

I'm a real wimp when it comes to pain, I once had my eyebrows threaded and cried the whole way through, I threw up when they took my blood for blood tests in the first trimester. That being said birth really wasn't that bad, I have had 2 10 pound+ babies and I have honestly had worse periods (I do get pretty horrible periods) has and air is fabulous, it's like feeling a big tipsy (which felt like a real treat after 9 sober months!)

I think it's quite an odd feeling, I wouldn't say it's painful in the same way stubbing your toe is painful, it's like a reflex that you can't control, like sneezing.

The worst part of my first birth was contractions in the car as I couldn't move my body into a position I felt comfy, the worst bit about my second birth was them trying to take a blood sample (I hate my blood being taken!) and neither of those things were that bad.

I found watching water births was good as you couldn't really see what was going on, but I didn't see what was happening to my cervix when I was giving birth either.

Really recommend Natal Hypnotherapy. Either listening to CDs or download everyday or also seeing a practitioner locally if you can. It is designed for your reducing anxiety and helping women into a good psychological place for birth.

And yet you will get through it, because as you pointed out, it's going to happen. You can't know in advance what it will be like or how you will react until it starts. You can look at options but you may not know until it comes to the crunch which options you want to try.

If you come up with a birth plan then great but don't think you have to have one. I threw my first plan out of the window when I realised that the birthing pool we had hired and I had obsessed about for most of my pregnancy was hot and uncomfortable. Ended up going to hospital instead because that was where I wanted to be.

Second time round, no real plan, didn't get further than the birthing pool at our cosy little MLU up the road, wild horses wouldn't have got me out of that pool. Don't waste your energy on worrying about a plan, if you come up with one then great but it's not a necessity.

Just one contraction at a time, for however long it takes ....and breathe.

Thank you everyone I'll definitely look into natal hynotherapy.
I think more than anything, despite trying not to, im setting myself up for a negative experience when i know young girls and women do this across the world every day, and have for years.
I really didnt want any drugs because of the risks to baby, but then the alternative is gas & air and still being in pain. The only thing i have considered as a last resort is an epidural but the idea of not being able to move is part of what sets me off into blind panic; i dont want to be stuck on a bed on my back and immobile.
If i could just be left alone in a dark room full of duvets with my partner and a midwife, awesome.
I've had two bouts of serious period pain the past week, which has sort of 'woken' me up to whats coming.
The videos i've watched have ranged from home birth and hospital, some are completely straight forward, others with tons of family involved. It doesnt seem to matter how pleasant or bad any are, i just freak out.
Whether its about pain, the damage after, strangers being in the room, not being able to move, not being listened to - im just very unready.

My next appointment with the midwife isn't for another week so i'm going to just have to lay it down for her, that i am seriously anxious and terrified.