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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

home birth?

59 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 01/03/2015 14:06

I am getting increasingly concerned about the birth of DC3, which isn't until July.

The primary issue is I have no one to take my two older DCs. DS is 8 and my DD will only be fifteen months when no3 arrives.

it is starting to look as if a home birth is my only available option - can anyone talk me through if this is the case?

I'm scared Sad

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gallicgirl · 01/03/2015 14:37

Are you low risk?

What's your support network like and would your partner be around?

Home birth would limit your choice of pain relief to tens machine, gas and air, and birth pool.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 01/03/2015 14:42

I don't have a support network or a partner.

I'm low risk though. The main issue is that no one will have the children; I need to be in the house to keep an eye on them, not go in hospital.

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gallicgirl · 01/03/2015 14:57

Well that's possible and you should talk to your midwife to arrange it.

However, even with a home birth there will come a point when you won't be able to concentrate on your older children.

I don't know your circumstances but can the father of your older children come and pick them up for a few hours if need be? Alternatively do you have a work colleague or other friend that you're suitably friendly with that they'd be willing to look after kids at your house for a bit?

Do you have friends or family around you who can help out at all?

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 01/03/2015 15:02

It's the same father for them all and no, he can't.

I don't work and I have no friends or family to help.

So I am limited in my options.

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CityDweller · 01/03/2015 15:20

I have heard, anecdotally, that what tends to happen in situations similar to yours is that your body won't let you go into labour until you know your existing children are settled/ looked after. So, it may be that you go into labour during day, but don't deliver until the middle of the night, once they're all tucked up in bed.

However, you'll still need some help on hand in the immediate days after the birth so you can establish feeding and recover, etc. Have you thought about hiring a doula? She could help both during and after the birth, with your new baby and/or your older children as needed. You can find out more information here: doula.org.uk/content/what-doula and they also have an access fund that can help pay if it's not something you would otherwise be able to afford.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 01/03/2015 15:35

City - I don't think I can stretch to that even with the access fund but thank you :)

It'll be fine, but it's good to know that hopefully he or she will arrive in the middle of the night, although dc2 may wake - she's not quite 1 yet.

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gallicgirl · 01/03/2015 15:43

Discuss it with your midwife, she may have suggestions.

Even if you can't afford a doula, maybe you can find a flexible babysitter.

I don't know why the father can't or won't participate, but unless there's violence or abuse involved, I really think this is the time for him to step up and help.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 01/03/2015 15:44

There is.

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winkywinkola · 01/03/2015 15:50

Not one friend who could help you?

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 01/03/2015 15:54

Please? No. I asked about a home birth because of this problem; if a partner or friend could help I wouldn't need to ask as I could leave the DCs with them and go to hospital.

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gaggiagirl · 01/03/2015 15:54

You poor thing!
Where in world are you? Its ok if you would rather not say but if you are local to me I would certainly help out. I'm sure I'm not the only mner who would help out.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 01/03/2015 15:57

Thanks. That's really kind :)

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gallicgirl · 01/03/2015 16:00

ok, fair enough.

Sounds like a pretty stressful situation.

Childcare aside, are you ok with a home birth?

I would also suggest cultivating playground friendships. I moved area to be with DP and my support network now is friends from NCT and friends made through DDs nursery. People can be surprisingly supportive when you get to know them.

gaggiagirl · 01/03/2015 16:02

I'm due to have a baby in October and I really couldn't imagine doing it with my DD who will be 4 then, hanging off me.
Seriously anyway I can help I will.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 01/03/2015 16:10

Well, I might have to, mightn't I!?

Anyway I don't have a 4 year old. I have a son who has just turned 8 and he will be fine. I have a daughter who is 1 next month and she will not be fine. I hope she is asleep and settled but really the baby won't stay put.

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MrsCrankypants · 01/03/2015 16:51

Have you thought about what happens if you need to be transferred to hospital? Will they allow you to take the other children with you?

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 01/03/2015 17:16

No, I haven't - one of the reasons I am asking on here is because I am wondering what my options are. I imagine the children would have to come with me, or they'd have to call SS or something. I can't conjure people from nowhere.

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ISolemnlySwearImUptoNoGood · 01/03/2015 17:27

I understand this is really a difficult situation to be in, I really do, I gave birth to my third dc alone in hospital, I admit my mum cared for my older children, but it was still horrendous going through it alone, but we're only trying to help you.

I think the doula suggestion is a good one and worth looking into at the moment. Your options are limited as you say so surely that is a starting point. The fund is for people who don't work, are on benefits or are in contact with a domestic violence organisation. Possibly there is a chance that you may receive full funding for a doula?

I really don't think they will allow your children to be at the hospital with you. Maybe you could look for an overnight childminder? There are some in the area I live in, so may be where you live. They charge a small amount more than the normal hourly rate but at least it will be someone who is registered to look after children.

Speak to your midwife about your concerns too. I would imagine that you're not the first person to have gone through this, she could have contacts that can help.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 01/03/2015 17:32

I don't work but am not on benefits and am not in contact with a DV organisation.

I recognise people are trying to help - sorry - it is just when people say incredulously they couldn't do it or give worst case scenarios, I don't know. I really struggle.

But the problem with an overnight childminder is that I obviously don't know when I'm going to go into labour - "come collect my baby and 8 year old at 3 am please!" - I can't see this happening.

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SoMuchForSubtlety · 01/03/2015 17:33

There is always a chance with a home birth that you'll need to transfer into hospital. If your pregnancy is low risk and it's not your first baby then statistically a home birth is as safe (actually slightly safer) than a birth in hospital, but there's no way to guarantee you won't have to transfer in.

It does make your ask easier though. Rather than "can you mind the kids for possibly a few days while I have my baby" you're asking "can you be a backup to mind my kids in case I need to go to hospital during my home birth".

You do need to discuss this with your midwife. As a pp said, it will affect your ability to labour.

For what it's worth, if a slight acquaintance told me your story I would absolutely offer to look after their kids while they had a baby. You need to reach out to the people in your life, don't try to do everything yourself.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 01/03/2015 17:36

SoMuch I will ask my midwife, yes.

But the problem is (and I'm not trying to be rude, really I'm not!) is that just as on here people have been mildly incredulous, that happens in RL too. I don't want the mums at the school gate to know what's happened, and they are the only people I see. Aside from anything else it isn't fair on DS.

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TwiggyHeart · 01/03/2015 17:36

Hi OP, I understand that midwifes are really not keen on having other DC's around during home births without someone to look after them. I have a midwife friend and know from her that other children must have someone available to look after them the reason being they need to focus on you and not other DC's and you need to focus on labour. In addition being transferred to hospital is a real possibility that you have to provide for, you will absolutely not be able to take them to the hospital with you as an ambulance won't carry them.

I would suggest that you speak to your midwife and explain the situation, they may have some ideas as to a way around this. It may be the case that a student MW could attend with the two midwifes and they could maybe be on hand to deal with the possibility of one of them needing attention?

Good luck OP

TwiggyHeart · 01/03/2015 17:38

Just another thought, might be worth asking if someone from Home Start could help you out, might be worth a try.

gallicgirl · 01/03/2015 17:39

Should you be in receipt of benefits? If you don't work you must be living off savings and at some point they will run out. If you're receiving maintenance from ex then I'm not sure it's always calculated as income when deciding entitlement to benefits.

Also, would you benefit from being in touch with other agencies who may be able to help with any past DV/abuse issues? There are lots of people who might be able to help you, if you just reach out. Please discuss with your midwife who will probably be able to signpost you to the most relevant agency for your circumstances.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 01/03/2015 17:39

thanks :)

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