Missing out on a natural birth

[LittlePink]

Do you feel like you missed out not having a vaginal delivery if you had a section?

I had an emcs with dd and really wanted a Vbac with ds but this wasn't to be and I ended up with another section 4 days ago.

I'm not sure how I feel about it having planned a Vbac the whole way. I'm totally besotted with my little boy and I guess it doesn't really matter how he came out. We were both safe that's the main thing but as we're not going to have any more babies in the future (we only want 2 kids) I don't know if I feel like I've missed out labouring him and giving birth naturally to him.

WhamBam (and others), if it helps at all, I have had two natural births and I have never experienced 'the high of natural birth'. I'm sure some women do, but my experience of natural delivery has been wanting to die/feeling like I was dying, total and utter exhaustion so that I could not hold my babies afterwards, could not really string a sentence together, couldn't sit up or stand for nearly a day without blacking out due to blood loss, writhing in agony for hour's after with the pain of tears/stitches/haemotomas/bruising. There was no 'high' or OBEM style tableau of new mum, dad and baby getting to know each other and excitedly ringing the grandparents with the news.

I really feel for women who are grieving for the birth they hoped to have and didn't get. I think the real issue though is not that they had a cs rather than a natural delivery, it's that childbirth, by whatever method, is in many/most cases a brutal, gruelling experience and in no way 'the best day of your life', rather one of/the most horrific traumatic experiences a woman and her body will ever endure (albeit with the most wonderful end product too!!).

I don't know if that helps at all? For me it helps to look at it that I did not fail by not having easy natural deliveries with natural highs, instead it was just that my image of what birth would be like beforehand was naive and wrong. (not sure I'm explaining myself but hopefully you understand).

childbirth, by whatever method, is in many/most cases a brutal, gruelling experience

I think that's very true. There is a lot in the media nowadays, particularly OBEM, which is wonderfully edited to show the woman feeling empowered at the end of the process and everyone thinking "wow, this is the best day of my life".

Which yes, clearly meeting your DC for the first time is going to be amazing and probably the best thing ever.

But for many women, labour and childbirth is the most painful and physical thing that has ever happened to them, perhaps the first time as an adult they were a 'patient' in a hospital, it can all be very scary and overwhelming. But because we've been sold the 'empowerment' idea of birth, if yours doesn't feel empowering, then you can start to feel like you've failed.

This is purely anecdotal but I'd say well over half of the mums I know would see their birth as something mildly traumatic in one way or another, or are disappointed by the experience or by themselves. It would be really interesting, if probably impossible, to know how much of that feeling came from having an impression of what a perfect birth should be like formed from seeing and reading about birth beforehand.

I really feel for women who are grieving for the birth they hoped to have and didn't get. I think the real issue though is not that they had a cs rather than a natural delivery, it's that childbirth, by whatever method, is in many/most cases a brutal, gruelling experience and in no way 'the best day of your life', rather one of/the most horrific traumatic experiences a woman and her body will ever endure (albeit with the most wonderful end product too!!).

I don't know if that helps at all? For me it helps to look at it that I did not fail by not having easy natural deliveries with natural highs, instead it was just that my image of what birth would be like beforehand was naive and wrong. (not sure I'm explaining myself but hopefully you understand).

Agreed, it's a tough, pretty gruelling experience most of the time and the pressure women can put on themselves, or have people put on them, for some sort of perfect natural birth is terrible. It can ruin the aftermath of your baby's birth if you feel disappointed in how they arrived. I almost pushed myself into PND over breastfeeding issues because I thought it would be relatively easy and what my body and my baby were supposed to do. when it didn't work out that way I was devastated but if I'd been a bit kinder to myself and hadn't built it up so much in my head I wouldn't have reacted so badly. I think wanting a natural birth, no interventions etc and putting great expectations on that is similar.

My first birth with twins felt really disappointing to me...labour for 30 hours, 6 top ups of epidural, daughter born by forceps and son by caesarian. It felt really clinical, I was self conscious, I had no pushing urge, and there were no feelings of euphoria. In my head, I had dreamt of a totally natural experience.

My third child - I decided to go for Vbac with no epidural. I felt really strongly that it had to be this way or I would feel like I had failed. Thankfully I had a really short active labour - I did have a ventouse as my son's heart rate dropped and he had to come out quickly - but it was a really positive experience and I'm so glad I went through it. It was overwhelmingly painful and I was really noisy but it just felt really natural and I didn't care about the 2nd degree tear or ventouse.

I think, to echo other people's thoughts, a successful and fulfilling birth is based on what your own ideals are. For me, a raw, drug free, natural labour was important. I don't even know why... it was just an experience I had to have. Even though there were touch and go moments with my youngest which could have scarred others; fundamentally I had got what I wanted so it was a really positive experience.

Nope, I've got not one tiny little regret, two healthy and happy children and the fanny of a teenager. Wins all round.

Fanny of a teenager

I never experienced 'the high' either. Relieved it was over, ecstatic I had a healthy baby, but no high.

I did experience 'the high' but who can say whether that was down to having a 'natural birth' or finally meeting my baby. Quite likely the latter.

I'd say forget how your baby arrived, the fact is they arrived safely and that really is all that matters.

Ooh and I had "the high" with my ELCS.

Lol at the fanny of a teenager :)

Great post TakesTwo

I had an ELCS for maternal request.

It was great overall and I don't waste a second thinking I'd be a better mother or it'd havd been a better "birth experience" if I'd gone with nature and attempted a VB.

If there is ever DC2 I'd go down the ELCS route.
Too many of my friends had VBs that took months to recover from, horrific stories of forceps/episiotomy without adequate pain relief and the aftermath trying to recover.

I think I got off v v lightly and am grateful for that.
Quite frankly a VB is something I have no desire to experience, although I do understand if that's what other women want.

op in a way it doesn't matter what others think, you are disappointed and it's ok to feel like that. There is a lot of negativity in this thread about vaginal birth. I've had 2 and one was hard work, one was really easy and only hurt for 40 minutes, I also didn't have any injuries.

I did have big issues with breastfeeding though both dds just fell off the chart so I understand what you are feeling.

I think one of the issues is the kind of natural movement who when something goes wrong tries to find a solution..... y'know so for example I had pethidine in labour with dd1, so I blamed myself.

The reality of course is that it's mainly luck. My dds are now 5 and 3, I dont even know which of their friends mums had cs or vb, or breastfed or not.

Congratulations, enjoy your gorgeous baby

Tobysmum is right. What you get is mostly down to luck. I think the 'birth experience' industry has got a lot to answer for, as it gives so many women unrealistic expectations and doesn't adequately prepare people for when things don't go to plan.

However you give birth, you've still grown and nurtured a new life inside you, which is what everyone should be proud of.

OP could you request a debrief with someone at the hospital, which might explain why things happened as they did? Is there a slight feeling in the back of your mind questioning whether it was necessary?

Personally I don't fully buy the "it's luck" argument because some hospitals have much higher CS rates than others, which can't be explained away by the number of high risk pregnancies that they deal with.

The person who made the analogy with running a marathon is correct I feel. Think about sportspeople who want to win a gold at the olympics or win a grand slam but they never achieve it. Or even someone who tries for a first class degree and just misses and gets a 2:1. Yes, they've tried hard, and yes, they have achieved much in their lives, but still - there is always this little tinge of regret about what might have been. That's human, and I think we just have to live with it.

I dont know La Volcan, there's a argument to be made that getting a 1st class degree or running a marathon is possible if people accept the inherent challenges and put the effort and work into the preparation and are realistic from the outset about their chances of achieving such a goal. With birth it's not the same in my view as there is so much more outside the individuals control. You can't control when the baby will arrive (whereas you know your exam date or run date), you can't control how they will present for birth or how the labour will progress or complications that will arise. I think it's when we put too much pressure on ourselves for a certain type of birth experience that it can lead to such disappointment, but if you don't have your heart set on a particular experience you won't be as let down if it doesn't go to plan (assuming there isn't a very bad or traumatic outcome which is obviously different).

I agree, school. I do think there is plenty you can do to prepare yourself for the birth, especially in terms of understanding different problems that might arise and educating yourself on the possible solutions so that you are in a position to try and make an informed decision when HV suggest that certain things need to be done, such as ventouse, forceps, further induction etc. I also wish I'd considered hypnobirthing, as it strikes me that learning a way to try and manage the pain and even relax into the experience would be hugely useful.

But birth is about two people, not one. So you can do as much preparation as you like, but the baby will have its own response to what is happening. An awkward angle, the baby getting distressed, the baby just being late so an induction is needed - these are things outside your powers as the labouring mum to control. I never feel like this gets any attention in discussion about the birth experience, but it has an enormous impact on what might happen. That's what the concept of "luck" in birth means to me: the mother might be fine with the pain and coping incredibly well and pushing productively and all that, but if the baby is distressed by the experience or in the wrong position then intervention will probably be needed. That's an element of luck which is outside a woman's control, but I know that some people dislike the idea that any luck is involved in birth.

Yet birth is sold in some quarters as something that the woman can do right or wrong, or have a real degree of control over.

There are quite a few c sections 'causes' that are because of an 'unlucky' situation, that have very little to do with preparation, physical fitness, weight, known medical condition, or mental conditioning/preparation/education. Some may have to do with the age of the mother (getting pregnant later in life you are statistically more likely to have twins, for example).

Placenta previa is one, an unknown medical condition, immediate complications (this was my issue, I developed a very high temperature during labour as if my body was fighting an infection, and my blood pressure was going right down which was starving baby of oxygen, hence the emergency of the operation); posterior presentation; issues with the umbilical cord around baby's neck starving baby of oxygen during contractions/delivery; when the cord is on top of the baby's head and gets squeezed during birth, or when the cord comes out first (cord prolapse); placenta insufficiency, position of the babies during twin/triplet pregnancies. I am sure there are others, but the above causes have very little to do with the mental preparation or physical preparation of the mother. I think when people talk about 'bad luck' it's because, lack of a better word, shit happens.

Also, some statistics about why some hospitals are having higher c section rates are incomplete. At the hospital where I had DS1 (Newham General in East London), one of the biggest issues the maternity unit had to deal with was that many mothers were recent immigrants/had come over to the UK to give birth, were not registered with GP, didn't have any notes, had never seen any medical staff during pregnancy, had no scan/tests, making the safe delivery of the baby much more complicated and increased the risks to the mother and baby.

There is a huge amount of vaginal birth negativity on this thread. Good for you if you had a CS and loved it. That's not what the OP is asking. Is it so hard to empathise that she feels she missed out on something, even if you don't fully understand that?

OP I feel for you. For your own reasons you wanted to experience a natural birth or even just a vaginal birth. Totally valid. I felt the same. I felt like I spent most of my adult life imagining the moment I pushed my child out and unfortunately, it didn't work out like that. I felt like something had been taken away from me and I grieved for it. Currently 33 weeks with dc2 and have planned a home birth except now it looks like baby might be breech. So that much hoped for experience is slipping away again.

Maybe it's hard for people to understand why a woman wants to experience labouring and all that comes with it. Sometimes it's hard to explain. But what's important to a person - particularly in the highly emotive vacuum that is pregnancy and childbirth - is important and there is a sense of loss sometimes.

It's a really interesting thread and I understand the "loss" feeling. I had hoped to have a water birth in the birthing unit opposed to hospital, and then a few last minute complications have classified me as high risk, I'm now being induced tonight and will have a "managed" birth. They will almost certainly give me and anti-depressant to help keep me calm and I will almost certainly be told to have an epidural. Not the natural stress free birth I had hoped for. It really upset me actually, more than I thought it would. However, I have to do what's best for me and baby and the birth is such a small, irrelevant amount of time in the grand scheme of things. (This is what I keep telling myself) I don't want to feel disappointed afterwards, I'm glad I know about these complications now, just wish I had of known before I got to 39weeks!!
Again I have to count my blessings, it's not easy to be that rational though.
Don't feel guilty, don't feel alone! X

Good post ZebraZeebra - IMO those who are saying how wonderful their CSs were are effectively rubbing salt in the wound. It doesn't surprise me that OP hasn't been back. What she needs to hear is from people who had the same experience, how they came to terms with it and how long it took them.

I'm glad you said it ZebraZeebra! It seems taboo to be dissapointed by the experience of childbirth if you and your baby are healthy. If any time anyone in my life expressed a negative emotion I just said 'well that wouldn't upset ME' or 'at least you're alive' I would probably get a reputation as heartless, but women who have regrets about childbirth are told this all the time. The fact that I would have died 50 years ago is strangely not that comforting, I kind of want to survive and reproduce on my own merits - glad there is a safety net but wish I hadn't had to use it.