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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Missing out on a natural birth

80 replies

LittlePink · 18/01/2015 18:21

Do you feel like you missed out not having a vaginal delivery if you had a section?

I had an emcs with dd and really wanted a Vbac with ds but this wasn't to be and I ended up with another section 4 days ago.

I'm not sure how I feel about it having planned a Vbac the whole way. I'm totally besotted with my little boy and I guess it doesn't really matter how he came out. We were both safe that's the main thing but as we're not going to have any more babies in the future (we only want 2 kids) I don't know if I feel like I've missed out labouring him and giving birth naturally to him.

OP posts:

BackToTheFuschia · 18/01/2015 21:00

Nope, not one teeny tiny bit. I still grew a baby, went through a failed induction, epidural, failed canulas, clip on the baby's head, stretch and sweeps, a catheter and then an EMCS before he was born- it definitely wasn't a walk in the park. After going through it, I feel a bit offended when someone suggests I didn't 'experience' the whole thing and intimates I had the easy route having a section. I don't feel like I 'missed out' at all.

mewkins · 18/01/2015 21:02

I don't feel I have missed out at all. I have met a lot of people who have had cs (emergency and elective) and not one has said they feel they have missed out. This includes a couple of midwives. I think focus on the fact both the baby and you are safe and healthy. Congratulations !

smogsville · 18/01/2015 21:02

I'm not really into 'what nature intended', I like timely intervention and knowing what's going to happen when.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 18/01/2015 21:02

BackToThe do people actually make comments like that to you ? How rude! Wouldn't occur to me to comment negatively on anyone else's birth experience. Everyone does their best.

DixieNormas · 18/01/2015 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThursdayLast · 18/01/2015 21:06

I feel like I write this a lot, but I agree with Thurlow

Although I like very much alices marathon analogy.

I felt relief when my doc said section - and now Im relieved I have reasonable cause to ask for another should I get pg again.

AnotherStitchInTime · 18/01/2015 21:09

I felt like this at first after my second birth (attempted vbac) ended in another emcs after pushing and dd2 getting stuck. So much so that with dc3 I talked the consultant into a vbac2c. I never ended up with one as I had placenta praevia and now post dc3's traumatic birth I am just glad to have 3 live, healthy children be alive to watch my children grow up. 100 years ago none of us would have survived.

It is totally normal to wonder what if and have your feelings. Time is a great healer. You know women who have only natural births never have the life experience of having a c section either. It is what it is. It doesn't make you any less of a women or a mother.

Schoolaroundthecorner · 18/01/2015 21:13

I don't consider that I had a natural birth as I was induced and then DS had to be hauled out of me with forceps despite trying to push him out for more than an hr. I suppose the concept of natural birth to me would be going into labour naturally and delivering without intervention or pain relief. I'm not so bothered it didn't work out like that for me, although I'm pregnant again so maybe next time (although pain relief is definitely likely).

In a nutshell I wouldn't worry too much about it, babies come how and when they may and I'm not sure the pressure or expectation for a natural birth, whether personally or society at large, is helpful.

FourthMary · 18/01/2015 21:18

Ds was a failed induction ending in a section under general anaesthetic. It took a good 12 months to come to terms with and not cry about his birth. I couldn't watch obem without sobbing. I missed out on that perfect tableau of the two of you meeting your baby for the first time.

I felt a failure but mostly sadness that I didn't get that experience, he is and will be my only one, so it was my one chance. I was so naïve about birth and thought I would have no problems, just like my sisters, friends who had just had babies, it ending in a section never entered my head. Very naïve. So very shocking.

He is 4 now and I feel fine about it all now, found my peace with it. Lots of talking about it helped. He nearly died, I am just grateful they intervened when they did, it could have easily been a different ending.

BackToTheFuschia · 18/01/2015 21:22

Funnily enough GotTo my best friend asked last night if I'd have a vbac next time seeing as I didn't experience natural labour this time, and did I not worry about missing out? I just said 'I'm sorry but I just don't buy all this "you're missing out if you don't ever squeeze a huge baby out of your much smaller fanjo" 'and I really don't!

Dogsmom · 18/01/2015 21:30

I had a vb with dd1 and presume will be the same with dd2 in 6 weeks as she's head down and no complications that I know of but would like to say that I really admire women who have cs's, I imagine it must be really frightening being awake throughout and I certainly don't think you've failed or not done it properly, in my opinion the lack of control and physical stress of a cs is way more impressive than a vb.

elportodelgato · 18/01/2015 21:30

Having had 2 babies the 'natural' way, I can confidently say that there is nothing special or amazing about doing it that way and I really wouldn't massively recommend it. If you and your baby are healthy then you did it right IMO and please don't listen to idiots talking about 'too posh to push' they really can just fuck right off. No one hands out prizes in the delivery suite

AlexD72 · 18/01/2015 21:37

I had a friend who had a cs and she took years to "get over" it. It was painful to watch. I had not had my DC then so I didn't really understand.
I had an emergency CS with my first and I never went through all of the heartache she did. My HV offered to organise counselling for me as she realised it could be very upsetting for some new Mums, but I declined as it really wasn't and has never been an issue. I do admire women who do deliver naturally but I couldn't and that's that! I was very lucky to be up and about very quickly after my CS and pain free after two days. I didn't get an infection and my scar is hardly visible. I had friends who had an awful experience after a CS. I'm glad my DC was delivered as it was touch and go and I developed very high blood pressure afterwards. I was lucky.

MrsCK · 18/01/2015 23:16

smogsville how on earth can birth be ridiculous and uncivilised?!!!

anothernumberone · 18/01/2015 23:46

how on earth can birth be ridiculous and uncivilised

I think we are all wondering that. I presume you are joking smogs ills

For me normal birth is a vaginal birth and a natural birth is one without medical intervention or pain relief that is likely to increase the chance of medical intervention. I believe there is such a thing as a natural birth but I have not experience of one as I have had a variety of interventions and every form of pain relief available

mupperoon · 18/01/2015 23:57

I am still heartbroken that I didn't have a vaginal birth nearly 6 months on from my EMCS. I won't have the chance to try again. I get fucking pissed off with people telling me that we are lucky to be alive and that should be enough. Of course I am overjoyed that my little girl is ok. But I am not just an incubator and I feel like a failure. Everything the surgeon said before the operation reinforced that. And my body feels ruined too.

Good for those people who don't feel this way. Lucky you.

anothernumberone · 19/01/2015 00:21

Mupperoon It makes so much sense to me that having a negative experience delivering a baby can leave such a strong emotional legacy. It is such a significant experience.

I will say that the physical changes do improve. It is 10 years nearly since my section. It would take a very skilled surgeon to realise I had one, the scar is so tiny now. I can't even remember when it healed up fully but it was a long, long time ago.

mupperoon · 19/01/2015 00:34

Thanks anothernumberone. I think the whole thing was worse in a way because I was HypnoBirthing. I had programmed myself for months to expect a natural birth and although I don't regret it (it took away the fear of birth completely and helped me stay calm on the day) it made the aftermath harder to deal with somehow.

Just remembered that at the 6 week checkup I asked the GP when the wound would be healed and he said never!

BikeRunSki · 19/01/2015 00:41

For dc1 I'd plannec a water birth, and had an Emcs due to him being undiagnosed footling breech.

For dc2 I'd plannec a hypnobirthing vbac, but had a crash c section under GA due to uterine rupture, haemmorage and dd's heart stopping. After dd and I surviving that unscathed, it never occurred to me to feel as if I'd missed out on anything.

BikeRunSki · 19/01/2015 00:52

In the first series of Call The Midwife, there is a story of a lady who has had several healthy pg to term, and the babies have all died in childbirth because her pelvis is misshapen from childhood polio. In the story she has a c section on the new NHS. The voiceover at the end reflects on this and says "a process which would have saved all her previous babies if she'd had the money". Brought it home quite how important cs are, and how lucky we are to have the nhs to provide them. Certainly dd would not have lived without one - I saw and heard her foetal monitor flatline.

HomeIsWhereTheGinIs · 19/01/2015 01:03

That low and strictly - moi Aussie. Elective section, no reason other than I didn't feel the need to labour. My son is safe and happy, and I have an intact pelvic floor. I didn't miss anything apart from hours of pain that have apparently become desirable for some reason.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 19/01/2015 08:03

I actually did have a 'natural' birth right up until the ventouse were whipped out, no induction, no pain relief etc etc. I think the problems arose because I had been in early labour for 48 hours before getting to hospital so had had no sleep at all, so by the time it came to pushing I was exhausted and couldn't do it. I'm 15 weeks pregnant now and will definitely opt for an epidural if it means I'll get some rest before the pushing stage.

callow · 19/01/2015 08:12

I felt the same when I had my first daughter by c section for a failed induction. I felt very down and thought about it a lot. Coming up to her first birthday I relived all my feelings again. It was like a post traumatic stress syndrome. Although there was no trauma about the birth at all. When I had my second I tried for a VBAC but needed a another c section, although I did get to 10cm this time. I didn't have the feelings the second time.

I did feel a failure for a long time, although the feelings have gone now but my kids are 15 and 17. I just accepted them and didn't listen to anyone who told me I was lucky.

lunalovegood84 · 19/01/2015 09:22

I felt really sorry for myself after my emcs. I'd naively expected a straightforward birth with a quick labour like my mum had, and was very disappointed to be facing induction at 2 weeks overdue. Ended up with 20 hours of the full works and cs because after all that he hadn't budged an inch. On the first night back from the hospital I remember crying furious tears that I'd had such a miserable time, woe is me, it wasn't supposed to be like this.

There's definitely truth in what people say, that at least baby was healthy and I recovered well. You are allowed to feel really pissed off though that things didn't go smoothly! I never felt an iota of guilt for a single second. That experience was hardcore and I still feel like a hero for enduring it.

I do feel a bit jealous of the more idyllic births on obem. Also feel a bit curious about what it's like to push a baby out as I didn't push at all - he was way too high. But in some ways I feel like I got the second best option - yes a vaginal delivery that goes smoothly is probably most people's ideal, but a cs to me is so much more preferable than the stories of complicated vaginal deliveries with birth injuries.

TheRealMaryMillington · 19/01/2015 09:36

People (community midwives esp) seemed to be very sorry for me when I ended up with an emcs with DC1, but I was completely unbothered, just totally wrapped up in him.

I had a planned section with DC2 and then a VBA2C with DC3. The planned section was horrific (it was so far from the serene experience so many people describe), so it was avoiding that again than desire to experience VB.

As it goes it really was amazing, but I am not sure I'd have had three kids if I'd had to do it 3 times.

It's totally understandable to wish things had gone to plan, and totally fine to feel a bit wistful not ever to have experienced something. But as ^^poster above says, it might not have been so great either. It would be a waste of energy and emotion to feel any guilt or deep regret.

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