The first few days - guidance please

[mmiotte]

I've heard all sorts of stuff about pregnancy, the actual birth and being at home and being on constant boob alert, but would anyone just go through their experiences of leaving hospital, getting home and those first few days. What happened when they got home and it was just them and DH? How did you cope if you had never had a babe before? Does it come naturally or is that just a myth? Also Do you just do demand feeding at the beginning even if you plan to try getting into a routine later on?

I feel completely ignorant of what to expect and would love some sage advice.

Am 36 weeks, so time is drawing nigh and I'm starting to worry that I know nothing.

mmiotte, ooooh now you're asking.

It's a bit in the mists of time for me (DS! is 7) but I would say in terms of routine, forget it for the first days/weeks. I fed on demand and just devoted myself to DS1 (easier if there's only one baby).

Sleep when they sleep, don't worry about the housework, accept any offers of help (eg neighbours/friends with food, mum coming in to clean etc etc).

I was lucky in that every time I had a straightforward delivery and quick recovery. But I agree it is scary when it's just you, DH and tiny baby. We certainyl (looking back) werrited over nothing - look, there's a spot on his chin! what is it? etc, so remember to relax.

Also remember to take lots of pix of the early days, and maybe buy a baby book and fill in special firsts - you might find you have a lot of time on yr hands as new babies just sleep an awful lot of the time.

Is that any help?

I second clary - don't aim for routine, accept all help, don't even make a cup of tea for anyone, don't feel bad about turning down the offer of visitors if you don't want them, get ready meals and take aways, don't worry about asking the midwives daft questions, let the housework go, don't feel you have to get dressed or even leave the bedroom. You might turn out to be great at it, but I wasn't and it's much easier once you've given in to the idea of not getting anything done beyond feeding you (this is important) and the baby and the odd spot of personal hygeine. If you want to BF get help early.

yes ditto the answers you have! my mum stayed with me for the first week, but it does come naturally. i remember looking at dp and we just thought 'help!' those first weeks are so lovely. enjoy them good luck!

Well with DD1 I was in hspital for 5 days so was desperate to be at home and once there felt very relaxed, but D and I are very laid back in our parenting.

With DD2 I had her at home so...

I'll try to answer specific questions:

• Breastfeeding, yes, first few weeks do it on demand until they settle. Sometimes that mens being on, ioff, on, off for hours at a time. Jst relax, it's normal and will sort itself out.

• yes it was just me and DP when I got home with DD1. All they do in the very early days is sleep and feed. You just have to change the odd nappy, keep them warm and fed

• it might come naturally, but if it doesn't mumsnet is here for all advice and support

i would add, if you have the energy at the moment make dishes to freeze such as shepherds pie, fish pie, stew, casseroles, dishes that you can chuck in the oven and eat with one hand cos i found i didnt have time to make nutritious meals for me and dh (and subsequent children) or the inclination tbh. knowing there was meals in the freezer was a godsend, all i had to do was remember and take them out of the freezer in time and turn on the oven

and having meals i could eat with one hand was a bonus because, for some unknown reason, baby always wanted fed as soon as dinner was ready, so i was always holding baby's head (who would be feeding) with one whilst eating dinner with the other!

and never refuse offers of help

there is nothing worse than visitors who park themselves on your couch and expect you to make them tea and biscuits - get them to do it

good luck!

and RELAX

if baby wants fed every 2 minutes for the first while, then just get comfy, get the telly remote, a nice cup of tea, the phone, and go with the flow

the ironing/hoovering/bath cleaning/dishes can bloody well wait

or get visitors to do it

one of the best things dh did for me at nightfeeds was he would go downstairs and make me a nice cup of tea for me to drink while i fed baby

good popint NP.
I had a freezer full of stews, casseroles, chilli con carnes, shepherds pies etc etc.

My story .. hope you have the same

A midwife shoved DS to my boob after he was delivered (probably about 30 mins as I had a c-section) ... DS knew what to do even though I had no idea .. I had no perception that there would be an issue and there wasn't

My sister told me it can hurt .. and to just count slowly to 10 and it will go away ... and over time you won't have to count at all (up to about 4- 6 weeks) .. she was spot on with this advice for me .. if it is hurting past a slow 10 count then there may be another problem (latch / thrush etc) and best to get it checked it out

DS slept for the next 12 or so hours

he then fed, pooed, burped

I had no idea when, what time he was feeding .. it didn't bother me tbh

He was a quick feeder .. around 15 mins then off

everything just came naturally

4 weeks after I joined my first post-natal group and made friends with others in same position

we became a network of people who were all discovering this wonderful new world of being a parent .. and it is a whole new world

its almost through walking through your cupboard into Narnia .. but more Ma-rmia I suppose

its fab .. take it easy .. don't do any housework ..

we kept DS in a moses basket with us .. emininently portable

he slept most of the time for the first few weeks

DD was exactly the same

good luck

Agree with the previous posters about not worrying about routine in the 2st week. I did, however follow a structured routine after the 1st week & that worked fine for us.

Def accept all help - do not try to be the domestic goddess! Let people help you. Also don't be afraid of turning away visitors. You will need plenty of rest & sleep, & as someone else said you need to sleep when the baby does. I had a C/section so was physically unable to do an awful lot at the beginning, but you will be very tired & highly likely to be physically uncomfortable in sowme way or other regardless of the type of birth.

Make sure you've good loads of food in the freezer, phone nos of local takeaways etc. Stock up on choc & coffee!

When we came home from hospital we showed DS around the house - well the lounge & his bedroom and then spent quite a while shell-shocked string at him! I felt very shakey coming home. There is a photo of me just arriving back & I look very pale - quite strange looking back.

I found I felt better if I made myself get showered & dressed, & made the effort to put some jewellry on. that way I felt a bit more human. DP & I were so emotional for weeks. We kept bursting into tears (of joy). Your hormones are every where!

I did routine b/feed for the 1st week & then gradually tried to distract DS when he appeared to be hungry to try to stretch the times a bit.

I accepted the midwife's offer of a visit every day to start with. We always seemed to have some question or other that we weren't sure about. I also had loads of books - Baby Whisperer etc & would search through them all madly whenever I was worried.

I was so scared of doing the 1st bath! Asked midwife in hospital to do 1st with DS, then asked midwife at home, until DP & I took the plunge & did it ourselves.

Good luck - you will be fine! And enjoy it - it is a wierd & wonderful time!!

just go with the flow, don't set up any expectations. let people help with cooking/cleaning etc. if DH is back to work then try to work a way where he still gives you some sleep time overnight and the chance of a shower before he leaves.

I carried ds around the house in his moses basket for about 6 weeks so in the rare moments he slept (he's insomniac the little swine) I could make a cup of tea while he was in sight etc.

if you haven't already get a portable phone and carry it with you. otherwise you will just have got him latched on and the phone will go.

most of all just allow yourself to be absorbed by baby but try to surface from time to time to let dh have a go. its a fantastic time (she says with rose tinted glasses)

don't do much except look after your baby.

getting dressed is not important.

say No to visitors (if you feel that way) and be very specific about when you want to leave (and what you would like them to bring - emergency food etc as you will not be cooking). show them where the kettle is.

once you're settled in, try to do one thing (might be getting dressed, or even for the Advanced Stage, buying a paper)

stock up on treats and crap magazines. buy a cordless phone.

don't worry if your baby seems to feed all day.

even if you don't have a c/s like i did, try not to do any dishwasher loading/driving/hoovering/ironing for ummm, a long time

enjoy yourself: babyhood goes very quickly!

my advice would be

• its a baby nit a porcelain doll. dont wory about breaking it.

• if it cries then give it a cuddle, bottle, bum change...hopefully it will stop after the right one is reached, if not don't panic. your not a bad mum its just that crying is what babies do.

• if you get a street full of visitors tell them thank you but no thank you unless they are here to watch LO while you and Dh get some sleep.

• if someone offers to help TAKE THE HELP. do not feel too proud or like you have to be superwoman.

• you have no more experiance than your Dh, so if he tries doing something don't barge in if you think he is doing it worng (unless its dangerous) as this will knock his confidence and he will probably shy away from helping in the future.

and last but most certainly not least....RELAX and enjoy being a mum. its not rocket science but it isn't something you can trian for, all babies are different so when people giveyou advise say thanks. thik about it and if it doesn't feel right for you don't do it. only you know your baby at this stage so trut your instincts.

And there will be about 60,000 MNers sitting here waiting to coo over the pic's so feel free to ask any question you have

DONT let anyone talk you into not cuddling your baby all day long, baby likes cuddles and has to feel near his/her mother for the first few days. baby will get upset if he/she feels alone

DONT let anyone talk you into not cuddling your baby all day long

they are only tiny for a very short period of time

It's OK to feel awful. It's OK to wonder what the hell have you done. It's OK to feel just overcome and weepy. The people who tell you it's all utter bliss all the time are lying.

BUT if you feel like that absolutely all the time, it's not OK - get help.

Oh, and it's OK to tell the people who tell you 'enjoy it while it lasts' when you're having a particularly rough day to f*ck off.

goodness YES MI totally agree

another one you can say fuck off to is "Oh just you wait til they get older!"

Message withdrawn

yes good point -put the takeaway menus somewhere really easy to find NOW. first 2 weeks we couldn't find them because I'd put them away in nesting fit. Took 2 weeks to remember that I'd put them in the phone book.

loads of good advice here but the most important thing i find is not to get hung up on your expectations... with dd i had read so much in books and mags about how she should be behaving and how we should be doing things i got upset if it didn't work.

i remember more than one occasion being in tears because she simply would not settle in her cot by herself like the books said she should, or she wanted to feed fro 3 hours straight instead fo the 20-30 mins the book said she should, or that she wouldn't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time til she was well past 6 months, or that bf hurt when the book said it shouldn't, or that he was very sucky and needed a dummy even though the book said i shouldn't give her one.

ds is a differant kettle of fish altogether, i don't care if he feeds for hour, have him in the bed with me most of the night, he sleeps on th couch all evening next to me and you know what? he's and easier, happier baby who already sleeps for massive stretches and i'm a calmer haopier mummy because i'm not trying to do things the way somebody else dictates but followin my instincts.

prepare for the unexpected, be open minded and and follow your instincts. DO NOT clean under any circumstances unless your really that bored. and don't feel bad if you live in milk stained pjs for a few weeks!

good luck!

Hi mmiotte and good luck with it all! I'm trying to think of anything else which might be useful.

Get DH or whoever will pick you up to try out the car seat so you aren't doing it for the first time at hospital

We all feel we know nothing, but after 5 or 6 weeks you will know your baby better than anyone will ever know them!

Everyone has theories and stories when you come home - try to smile, stay calm inside and follow your instincts

Your babe needs your time, your love, feeds and nappies. Not much else!

Get yourself 2 or 3 comfy' long nighties to waer when you get home - you might spend a lot of time in them!

If your baby is fed, changed, loved and safe you are doing your job - nothing else matters for the first few weeks

Totally agree about the cooking and freezing idea - the time goes into a black hole and it's great to have decent food whenever you need it

Eat well and look after yourself. Drink loads of water if you're breastfeeding

It does all feel new and surreal and strange. I didn't try to have routines, just fed on demand and slept when I could. You might feel elated, you might feel awful and/or teary - it's all fine.

Don't feel the need to tidy the shed (as I did)!! Spend loads of time just holding your baby and be calm - they seem to pick it up.

It hurts, it's knackering, it's the biggest worry-fest ever but it's magic.

Thanks so much. Must admit I like a book of instructions for anything unknown, so having something which is not going to play by the rules is somewhat worrying . Also have a DH who is more likely to shake hands with a small child rather than go all gooey, so it could be interesting.

One last question, I'd like DH to have a go at feeding (and ensure a little paternal bonding), when did you start alternating boob and bottle (with expressed milk)?

Hi there

I tried expressing at 3 weeks but messed up my supply I spoke to my health visitor and she advised waiting until DS had got into some kind of routine. I have just started expressing again and he is now 6 weeks. Don't be surprised though if your LO refuses a bottle the first few times

Good luck

You have just reminded me of when we came home with both our DD and DS (over 4 yrs apart). We walked into the house, put the car seat with baby in on the floor and thought "er, what do we do now?"

There some really good advice on this thread. I would just add that with breastfeeding get advice asap if you feel its not going right, in fact if theres anything you're worrying about -don't be afraid to ask.

In retrospect I think with my first I struggled on, not getting advice with the feeding thinking it was going OKish. It was only after having my 2nd, who fed really well, that I realised it didn't have to be painful/uncomfortable and awkward.

Good luck

I think we started giving our baby boy a bottle of expressed milk once a week from about 4 weeks on. Think they say you should wait until 6 weeks before expressing to enable your milk to become established... If you don't have one, you might want to think about investing in a soft sling (such as a Kari-me) which enables you to carry the baby around (usually asleep) whilst you do other stuff with your free(!) hands. Mine was invaluable when trying to keep baby happy and do a few bits and bobs, like finally managing to make myself lunch at 4 o'clock in the afternoon! The rigid slings aren't so easy to use indoors.

I remember feeling just the same as you a little over 2 years ago. Now I've just had my second (and I still don't feel like an expert). It goes so quickly. The first few months were a hazy blur for me.

I agree with Clary et. al regarding routine etc.

Just don't expect anything. Don't even expect an instant bond. I didn't instantly feel that surge of love and bonding with either of mine, even though I did sort of love them. I was even worried that when I went to pick up DS1 after my dinner from the hospital nursery that I'd pick up the right baby! The bond got stronger every day and is still doing so.

Good advice about visitors but don't forget you will also get plenty of visits from midwives and health visitors. The knowledge that they would be coming around helped me feel less nervous and "on my own". Use them if you have questions. I asked one to do a bath with me. They kept coming for ages because I was having difficulty breastfeeding.

Another tip, it's really hard to keep track of who gave you what because the presents arrive everywhere (hospital/home/when you are busy/ through the post). Try to get someone to keep a note of what you got. I didn't and it was embarrassing later.

Best wishes.