The first few days - guidance please

[mmiotte]

I've heard all sorts of stuff about pregnancy, the actual birth and being at home and being on constant boob alert, but would anyone just go through their experiences of leaving hospital, getting home and those first few days. What happened when they got home and it was just them and DH? How did you cope if you had never had a babe before? Does it come naturally or is that just a myth? Also Do you just do demand feeding at the beginning even if you plan to try getting into a routine later on?

I feel completely ignorant of what to expect and would love some sage advice.

Am 36 weeks, so time is drawing nigh and I'm starting to worry that I know nothing.

mmiotte - i reckon feeling you know nothing is better than thinking you know exactly how it will all be on the basis of having read a book or two. The most important things have already been said - you absolutely retain the right to tell everyone and anyone, including those inlaws, to leave you in peace. when i got back from hosp after long and complicated labour, all my in laws were sitting on the sofa in my house. friends with children had tried to warn me about sending people away, but iwas ill prepared. so, heed advice of all who've written here. maybe even have a word befoer hand with anyone you think might be planning on installing themselves.

Someone already said something about not lettign people tell you you shouldn't cuddle the baby all day if you want to - that can start even before you get home - some midwives will tut and tell you you're 'spoiling' them (i was told this even before DD1 was born when they thought i was absentmindedly stroking bump too much!)(tho also worth bearing in mind that more often you let them sleep in your arms, it may take longer for them to learn to sleep in crib)

best coming home gift i was given was one of those 'granny' trays - the ones with the beanbag thing underneath. it meant i could sit in bed, nurse her and not worry that when she drifted off i wouldn't be able to reach my cup of tea, because it was perfectly balanced within arms reach. other great gift was a thermos type mug with a non tippy over lid. Once your treasure arrives, be warned, it may be years until you drink another cup of tea all the way to the bottom while its still warm!

And go out at least once everyday. (you don't need to put proper clothes on or even wash your face) And don't be afriad to go to friendly local restaurants with him/her - they'll sleep, or not, but it's a change of scene and food you don't have to prepare or clean up after.

and don't worry, because you're going to be fabulous!!

(and think about taking some arnica tabliets for a week or so before big event so that you cvan actually sit down when you get home)

My biggest piece of advice for those early days is don't have anyone around who isn't totally supportive of the way you want to do things. It'll only put you under undue pressure. I love my mum to pieces but she isn't at all pro-bf, and is very old-school in her approach to a lot of things (e.g. all summer she's been on at me to get DD sat in the garden in her pram ALL DAY! - thankfully we live hundreds of miles apart so I can usually just say "wonderful idea mum - love you", then hang up the phone and do it my way). While she was here for those first 2 wks I felt under huge pressure to get the baby up washed and dressed first thing every morning when all I really wanted to do was cuddle up in bed, try to get bf going and heal(I'd had an emergency cs and on top of that was injecting insulin and blood thinners for weeks post-birth). Every time I attempted to bf DD would screech and thrash about refusing to latch sending my mum into fits of "she's starving, you better give her a bottle, its not fair on her to put her thru this". Apart from anything else, having mum there AND DH as he had his 2 wks paternity meant they kinda got under each others feet and both felt their way of trying to help was best.
DD is 8 months almost and this month we are starting to TTC number 2. As much as I love my mum and appreciated all her help around the house, if I'm luck enough to get pg again I will be asking her to come and stay starting from 2 weeks AFTER the birth, when DH has to go back to work. That way I get to do the first couple of weeks my way, and have someone around to help for longer.

Hi - our pediatrician gave us one piece of invaluable advice the day after my daughter was born.

He said: For the next few weeks there is no night, there is no day, there is just the baby. Eat when she does and sleep when she does.

Easier said than done, at first, but you can bet that with my next baby I'm going to be following his advice to the letter!
Good luck.

Great info on here for a first time mum and I wish I had known all of this before I had dd (6 months).

My only other bit of advice is from my own experience. The pain of going for a wee was AWFUL! I had never felt pain like it before and this was after giving birth. I thought this pain was worse than childbirth!!!! So I thought, if I don't drink much then I won't need to wee, problem solved.

Little did I know that the less I drank, the more concentrated my wee was. So it really, really stung and I had no tears or stitches. I would have the jug but be in such pain that it would make me scream in pain and cry so much.

Day 3 and the MW comes to the help and I finally admit the wee problem. She told me to drink to make it less concentrated. She was RIGHT! It hurt but nothing like before.

I also found it very hard to suddenly have someone else telling me when I did everything, I was very independent before and found it such a shock that my LO told me what I do etc etc. Just go with it and enjoy it.

I'm loving every minute now and I never thought it was possible that I would!

Good luck and keep us posted x

oops i meant home not help!

Tea tree soap for down there. Heals in no time.

Welcome home Karen. Hope you had a good holiday!

hi mmiotte! hows you today? the best piece (or pieces) of advice i had were:

• drink lots of water: it will stop you getting dehydrated whether or not you bf or bottle. plus the big bonus here is that it won't sting half as much - esp if you have stitches (like i did, i didn't drink enough water when dd was born and it stung like crazy)

• try and cook/freeze as many meals as you can or get help to do them. ready made meals often have lots of salt in them. i didn't d this and now regret it!

• take a disposable camera in with you and get mw etc to take first pic of you with baby. i didn't ask and had to wait til i was going home before i got my first pic (i just looked shattered instead of having that mythical glow). also, TAKE YOUR MAKE UP BAG IN, you might not feel like it but a bit of mascara can work wonders and livens up your eyes a bit. better still, put one in your hospital bag so you don't forget it.

• all freebies (bounty bags, offers of help etc) are GOOD. i was only one left in my ward when i went homne and the mw said i could have two extra bb's for the freebies!

• if you want to, don't be afraid of saying you want to stay in for the first couple of days or so. this gives you time to room in with your baby, i realy enjoyed this time and stayed in for a few days til i was confident about feeding.

• if it turns out you don't want to bf, don't be afraid to say you changed your mind.it is your choice, so many moms in the hospital i went to were having pressure from their families cos of cultural or society expectations that they felt awful. it's what you want and your baby wants that matters. all baby wants for first few days is to be kept clean, warm, dry and cuddled.

i agree with other posters, how can anyone dare say that cuddling will spoil baby? it's cuddling that helps them fel secure that you won't leave them alone after being "cuddled" for 9mths or so.

the best ever piece of advice was, when too much conflicting advice was floating around, (not sure where from though!)

"....... listen to 100% of the advice, discard what is obviously just plain silly/ dangerous/ stupid/....., the rest of what is left may be useful to you or not. if not, discard it"

you will soon develop an instinct so don't worry too much, you will be fine an mn is here too X

the one thing i wish someone told me before i gave birth was not to worry if you dont bond straight away. i struggled for the first 4 weeks, i felt evil because i didn't get that "best feeling in the world" that everybody talks about.
my little girl is 10 weeks old and our bond is getting stonger every day. so if you find the first weeks tough,HANG IN THERE it does get easier.

Hi

When I got home from the hospital all we did was stare at the baby in shock that we had created the little one and I fed on demand. The first night was scary as all the baby did was cry, I phoned my mom in tears at 2am asking what I should do, she just said hang on in there the baby is adapting to its new surroundings - it does truly get better!!!

Holding and rocking the baby by my husband eventually settled the baby yo sleep after that it got better. Forget the visitors, forget the phone calls - I used to take the phone of the hook and just spend time with the little one I have a 11 week old baby boy and it all seems worth - IT DOES GET BETTER and you will enjoy it.

Mostly try not to worry as all babies are different. Good Luck

it did not feel that natural to me. I was so scared and worried I let DH do everything (apart from feeding). I did not know what to do and I felt dd was taking my space.
The practical stuff you'll learn very quickly. adjusting to a new life where I wasn't the protagonist was much harder.
after a while though you learn how your baby communicate with you and you'll look like a real pro.
But then again it is such a personal experience it is hard to say.

oh and my tips are:

• do not worry over the house work. I've never given a sh**te over such things but god knows why the minute dd opped her head out I transformed into super housewife. I had to have evrything under control. I didn't! and I stressed out so much.

• do not worry about routine at first. You've got to learn to understand your baby and viceversa. Do what feels right for you and dp. Don't go about changing all your habits from day one. after all dd/s will have to live in with the two of you.

• TRUST YOURSELF! really, you'll know pretty soon what works and what's best for all of you.

• like many have said (but it's never enough): it's okay to have days when you feel s**t, when you have regrets, when you think you can't do it anymore. It's okay if you feel you don't love it, her, him. They are horrible days these ones, as the guilt of feeling like that makes it totally unbearable. But although memorable they are a few (if it is too often ask for help, do not be afraid). Actually ask for help anytime you feel, to anyone. Those with kids will understand and make you feel so much better. I was lucky to have one friend to give birth just a week after me and we were very honest with each other.

• eat and drink well. especially if you breatfeed. you'll be exhausted even when you do not feel it and for much longer.
  my dd is 13months now and my body started feeling like it's old self only about 3 months ago. I did not know though. I pretended I was my old self the minute she was out. (maybe I'm still in denial)

• it does get better! I did not believe it and it annoyed me when I heard it. but it's true.

sorry if long and full of 'the bad stuff' but the good one are everywhere and as they are good they do not need help.

and remember, it was hard for everone!!

HI

Have to agree with Useless mum - it didn't come naturally to me either (still doesn't feel completely natural now after 7 weeks) - the practical things such as feeding, bathing etc are fine but I am not a natural in 'baby' talk and I like things to come with an instruction booklet and be very black and white! However, it is getting easier each day although I would say I am a long way from being a 'pro'.

The bit that surprised me (not sure if others felt the same) is that I was a bit resentful in the first few weeks as it felt me and Dh were giving everything to this baby and all we got in return was crying and grumpiness when he was awake -(does this make me a bad mummy??) however, now the smiling has started this feeling has eased.

One piece of advice - try all your equipment before you get home!! We left the hospital in a rush as I was desperate to escape - unfortunately we forgot it was feeding time and had to unpack steriliser, read instructions, sterilise, make up formula etc - all with a screaming hungry baby (probably not a problem if bf though).

Hi, I'm due to have my second baby in 5 weeks, my advice is.

-Be prepared to feel emotional all the time, stock up on tissues!

-Also stock up on chocolate, I have a sweet tooth but sometimes you really need it.

-Not sure if it happens to everyone but I really sweated heavily at night times and then felt freezing cold when I got up to do the night feeds - warm pj's or dressing gown needed.

Also 2nd all the other advice on here about accepting all help and try to relax about it all - it all gets easier and you'll be offering advice on here before you know it!! Good luck.

Forgot to say - my one tip is to forget about a routine for a while! I was obsessed from the day I got DS home in following a routine from a particular book and would get so stressed and upset when Ds didn't sleep when he 'should' or slept when he 'shouldn't' - after about 2 days I relaxed and let him sleep and eat whenever and wherever he felt like it and me and Dh became much more relaxed and DS became a happier baby.

superblue you're my new best friend! .see I said you should be honest about your feeling and I wasn't.
I felt very resentful too with dd for taking dh away from me. I was jelous af all this love he had for her I felt there was nothing left for me. I felt as if she took my place in his heart. I felt like an idiot for thinking like that as I knew it wasn't the case. Bless he was perfect with her and me (and still is) but I felt we did not have time for ourselves anymore as she was always in the middle. tbh I still feel like that sometimes... and I know I shouldn't feel bad about it but I do - I feel I am being a stupid selfish kid!! And I absolutely adore dd!!

I felt a lot, didn't I

You have got brilliant advice from everyone. My one tip would be to buy/borrow/get from the library a copy of the book BabyShock which is about how having a baby can impact on your relationship with your significant other.

I hadn't envisaged that having a baby would change my relationship with DH which it did dramatically ( probably due to my raging hormones for the first few weeks). I wish that someone had warned me in advance then I might have known what to do. It would be good for your partner to read it as well because tbh if you are anything like me you will be a raving loon for the first few weeks and he needs to know what to say. Things like " Have a chocolate dear""Let me change the nappy" "Let me make dinner""You look lovely" are all good.

Oh and I had a thing about me and DH being alone with baby which because of my Csection wasn't the best idea, wish I had drafted in my mother on the first week.

Sorry one more thing, all the cr*p people tell you is true, it will get better after the first 6-8 weeks and soon you'll be sitting at the baby group with your old baby feeling on top of the world and being sympathetic for the new mums.

And don't forget - baby tends to do nothing but sleep for the first 24 hours, so take advantage of it!!!
Oh, and don't be afraid to tell people 'no' if they want to pop around and you're not in the mood - you are perfectly entitled to be selfish!
Good luck!

Haven't read whole thread, so apologies if I am repeating.

My advice would be to find the thing that you need for a little bit of calm in the chaos. For me it was having my bed made. Especially as both boys have been in our room, when i was walking them around trying to get them to sleep, the sight of my unmade bed was my undoing! So to see it done, was a small achievement. So find the thing that will make you feel better, and do it above other things. That and sleep when baby sleep etc, etc... but always be kind to yourself you've done, and are doing an amazing thing, allow for that.

Freeze nice food.
Stock up on magazines.
Don't watch all your DVDs now! Go to the cinema while you still can and save the DVDs for the endless hours you will spend on the sofa, feeding. We also borrowed loads of DVDs (series like Friends, ER, etc... are good, as they are a short blast at a time) from friends and work colleagues, so there was something new for me to watch.

Apologies if I'm repeating what's already on here, but my experiences as a first time mum taught me ...

...take any offer of help, don't worry about the housework ( dp/dh should do this!!), get your visitors to make their own tea..SLEEP WHENEVER YOUR BABY DOES!!..keep nappies & wipes all over the house so you don't have to keep trapsing upstairs everytime baby needs a change..cook and freeze food before baby arrives...don't worry about getting dressed, but I found putting some make-up on made me feel a whole lot better!..prepare yourself for some serious crying after a couple of days if your milk hasn't come throught yet (if you're b/f) dd cried ALL night on day 3 until milk came in on day 4 (best thing to do, just keep feeding, even if you feel that's all you're doing!)..don't worry about routine at first..when feeding, get the remote and a drink handy before you start, and always keep the phone next to you, it will always ring just as baby has started to feed..accept that you'll probaby cry a lot for no apparant reason..

I could go on!!

Accept that it's going to be hard, but try to stay relaxed and enjoy every moment with your beautiful baby..it does get easier over the first couple of months.

Good Luck x

ps like poppiesmum, i found that the phone would ring just as me and dd had settled to feeding. luckily, we had one of those old push button ones that had a button for loud ring / normal ring / ringer off. please use the ringer off type button if you can when feeding. if anyone moans tell em to go away (or words to that effect! ) they wouldn't like been interrupted from their meal now would they?!

hope you are feeling okay today (and that goes for other mums too x)

Hi there Mmiotte - most important thing: do what's right for you. There's loads of good advice here and you'll be offered lots more when the baby arrives (from friends, family, complete strangers in the chemist). Some of it will suit you, some it won't. Don't stress about what you should and shouldn't do. If it works for you, that's all that matters. (I remember MIL telling me not to hold the baby too much on Day 2 'she'll get used to that...'.) In the end, I got so fed up with unwanted advice that I made a new rule - for every piece of advice I was given (and didn't want), I'd give a piece of advice back! That soon stopped MIL! Good luck. It will all fall into place in the end - honest!

hah hah cakehead i wish i'd thought of that when i was new mom!

mmiotte you will be a great mom! x