Newborn baby and other people's children - help please!

[squishy]

Our families live a long way away (i.e. at least a flight away), so although we're not due for almost 2 months, we have to prepare our respective families early! My SIL has a 9 year old and my instinct (from my limited knowledge) is that she shouldn't come shortly after the baby is born.

My questions () are:

1. What are the reasons for this (I guess it is mostly to do with childhood diseases/infections and lack of immunity in baby, but would like to know for sure)?
2. Do people still view this as a valid 'rule', I know hospitals do, but we're hoping for a home birth so it would be good to know.
3. How long should we maintain this rule? When can the cousin come and meet?

TIA - we've got to prepare because this may well cause problems with the family....

It doesn't really matter in terms of 'germs'. If you are really worried, then ask people to wash their hands first.

The bigger worry is how you will cope if they have to stay with you. I spent the first four weeks after having my first baby crying my eyes out and feeling unable to cope. Visitors were the last thing I needed or wanted.

IME the other children aren't all that interested in tiny babies anyway, so they usually have a quick look and then go and play! And it's unlikely that you'd let them hold or kiss the baby if they had any illnesses, so I wouldn't worry about transferring germs. Babies are remarkably robust little things, far stronger than you would expect. You might want to limit visitors for the first couple of days anyway, for your sake - you;ll be pretty tired, and a bit shell-shocked, but I wouldn't turn people away for fear of germs, unless they're onviously ill!!

I don't think there's any real reason to keep your niece away from the baby. If the baby is premature, maybe, but then the baby will be in SCBU or whatever, so protected from everyone's 9-year-olds, not just yours. I know hospitals let children visit their new siblings in the hospital, so I don't think they see this as a valid rule.

You might find a 9-year-old visiting, right after you have the baby, a bit overwhelming (her family might be overwhelming, too). Frankly, it's nice to not have too much going on, the first weeks after you have a new baby.

Blimey, what are you going to do when you have another baby? Put him in quarantine? Send the first one back?
Seriously, what do you think happens to babies with siblings at home? Unless your nine year old neice is actually ill then IMO there is no reason why she shouldn't visit if the rest of her family do (and the same illness thing goes for adults too. However, you may not want hordes of visitors of any age immediately soon after your baby is born for quite different reasons.

Meant obviously, obviously!!

i wouldn't wporry about it- babies are born into families with older siblings all the time. A 9 year old is usually pretty illness free- it's the one's who have just started nursery/school who get everything going.

You may not want someone staying in the first few weeks for other reasons (time together, establishing bfeeding, recovering from the birth etc), but I wouldn't put a 9 year old child off.

Ha, I bet none of us saw the other replies when we wrote ours, but we all said (essentially) the same thing!

The ciousin can come and meet when yuo feel ready.
Babiea re quite hardy, unless there is some problem ie prem. But new mums aren'r as hardy! If you think you are up to it, then get them to come and stay.

Yes!

I forgot about establishing breastfeeding - I should have said I spent the first four weeks crying my eyes out and naked, so guests were really inconvenient.

hospitals do what? not let kids in to see babies????

since when what I'm shocked huh??

Isn't the kids in hospital thing just that they're restricted to siblings only? I've always assumed it's so the post natal wards aren't over run with hordes of screaming kids. My ds was allowed in to see me after I had dd with no probs.

Think morning is right, what do you do if you have other children already, you don't get rid of them do you. Like morning paper I did have a thing about hand washing, you'd be amazed at how many people just don't bother. Unless they have something specific or your baby already unwell it should not be a problem.

I didn't mind people coming to stay for a few days at a time as long as they were some use and did their bit and did not expect to be entertained and cooked for ect. like I had done in the past.

oops, posted too fast, meant to agree with what everyone else said. I know everyone wants to see the baby when it's tiny but a houseful of guests is an absolute bloody nightmare after you've just had a baby. I've also got relatives who are a long way away (singapore) and we had to say they could come but they had to find somewhere else to stay, ie a hotel. There was no way I was having overnight visitors and a newborn. Far too much stress.

LOL! I knew siblings weren't a problem, but 'foreign' germs.....!?!!

Don't worry, all family (my parents have booked 2 weeks at a nearby out of season holiday cottage starting a week after my due date ) and his (MUCH bigger) have been told that no-one can stay at this house.

TBH, I would rather tell them not to come for the first couple of weeks, but DH would feel a bit put out that my 'side' (even though he's closer to them than I am to his lot) gets to see the LO much before his (largely huge and uncaring) family.

{{{opportunity to rant spotted}}} - they've shown no interest during pregnancy, have refused to visit during pregnancy despite many offers (instead have gone on numerous holidays etc etc) and not even looked at scan photos we've sent them. His siblings are more interested, but the thought of all of them coming over at once has me a little anxious, to say the least (will rely on hormones to put my foot down at the time!)

Yes, I meant to say that if guests ask if there's anything they can do, SAY YES! They can put some washing on, do a bit of hoovering, go to the supermarket - you must use all the help that's offered, so that you can rest as much as possible! But having said that, newborns sleep for most of the time, so you get a relatively slow start.

Do you know for sure that your dh would be put out? I think that as it's you who will have been through childbirth and be trying to breastfeed/recover etc, then it's fair that your family can be around to give you support etc in the early days. His can come later when things have settled down a bit. I don't think you'd be being unreasonable to ask that.

Yes, I do know. I just said to him that I'd prefer our respective families not to be here at the same time, from sheer numbers of people and that maybe they'd better all come a bit later when we know what we're doing, but he said he'd really like them to be there early on for a bit. He's also massively gutted at the complete lack of interest from his parents.

Squishy I would agree with those who say that it is better to put your foot down NOW about guests. About an hour is the maximum that I could cope with people before it just got too much. I didn't have a newborn that slept AT ALL during the day. She just wanted to be attached to a breast and there is no discreet way of doing that if you are in agony and confused about what you are doing.

Are there any breastfeeding mothers groups around you? Perhaps find out now and go to a meeting or two beforehand. If nothing else, it will give you an excuse to get out of the house with baby and have some time away from visitors.

I don't know about BF groups - that is another huge hurdle; having had a breast reduction (and pretty drastic one - the most invasive), I have no idea until the time whether I will be able to bf or not - have got books and done loads of research, but certainly sounds like it won't be simple, even if some milk is produced and can come out IYKWIM!

Our hospital only let siblings visit, No other children.

As for children at your home, I would say whenever you feel ready- which is hard to plan but I would say as long as no one stays too long then you're fine...

Thanks everyone. Am now less worried about niece visiting, but more worried about being completely overwhelmed with people visiting all the time. I feel (now, anyway) that I am prepared to play the hormone card and secrete myself and baby in bed with the door shut, if necessary!!

I don't think you'll need to "play" the hormone card somehow

You're probably right !! But I do have some friends who've battled on bravely in front of their ILs rather than just go with the emotions and put their foot down!! Not me

I read this thread with HUGE interest.... my DH is insisting that MIL comes over from the US for a week for Christmas. Her flights are booked for 2 weeks after my EDD. Thankfully he has agreed to putting her in a local B&B and she's very nice and all but I've only met her 4-5 times and she's just so damn chatty - and loud. DH is slowly realising the consequences and has begged his sister to come over too to keep her occupied. I am just praying I don't go overdue!!

Morningpaper - hello!! how random!

I wouldn't worry about children but I would worry about having people to stay with you tbh. you DO NOT want to be a hostess when you've just given birth so unless they're going to HELP, actively, i.e. let you get some sleep/cook/clean then I'd say they're welcome in v short bursts, agreed in advance adn that you reserve the right to cancel. The day after a VERY difficult (home) birth with dd, who was my second, loads of people came to my house and it pissed me off, frankly, havng to get pizza and drinks organised. As the midwife said the next day 'what ever are YOU doing UP?' and she was right, I should have been lounging in bed, not looking after other people.