Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

Simba, I don't engage with my parents in law because my MIL makes very passive aggressive comments which are so subtle that they are very difficult to challenge but the reality is are so negative and critical that I can't be bothered with her anymore. Neither can my DH as after a while ( we have been together 20 years he realised how negative and uncaring they are)

If he had behaved as you are doing now, I think I would have driven erratically and made him sleep on the sofa. Luckily he has always taken my side but especially around the birth of my DS, MIL was at her worst. I think your wife may feel vulnerable around your parents and as she doesn't have a good relationship with them you should respect her wishes. If you were vulnerable would you want some people you actively don't like coming around and interfering with you?

You wouldn't, would you?

Can't believe this is still going, and people still laying into OP with such vitriol.

So he is being controlling, abusive, immature etc by calling both sets of imminent grandparents to let them know of a (thankfully minor) health scare. And even the fact that he didn't think it a good idea for his DW, when having a scare in late pg, to drive herself to hospital is used as an example of how controlling and abusive he is.

Seriously, turn this around.

Imagine if a woman posted that at 6mo pg she had a scare, and her husband wouldn't let her call her parents, and insisted that he either drive or get a taxi to the hospital as he didn't think it safe for her to drive.

What responses would she get?

I also feel that simba can now do absolutely nothing right. Whatever he says will be spun to paint him as uncaring, self-obsessed, self-pitying etc etc.

SDTG I think you're absolutely right, in the whole of your post there. I've dipped in and out of this thread since it started, have read through all posts, but haven't got too involved. From an outside perspective that's exactly what it seems.

It seems to me that he is being pulled apart and every word twisted to paint him as a monster - and so many words put into his mouth too. As I said earlier, he has posted only a very few times on such a long thread, and in between his posts people are jumping to more and more unfair and untrue conclusions.

Won't come back to this thread now, but Simba I wish you and dw all the best, and hope everything goes smoothly for the birth and you manage to sort everything out.

"Imagine if a woman posted that at 6mo pg she had a scare, and her husband wouldn't let her call her parents, and insisted that he either drive or get a taxi to the hospital as he didn't think it safe for her to drive."

What responses would she get?

From me: do you understand that telling someone something about your own health, is different from telling someone about someone else's health when they have specifically asked you not to? And that it's reasonable to tell someone not to tell someone about your health, but not reasonable to tell them they are not allowed to tell them about their own health? If not, then I'm afraid you've got very bad boundaries and I urge you to seek help.

I'd assume that telling her not to drive would be out of concern for her welfare so I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt, but if it was part of a pattern of controlling behaviour, then obviously I would see it as part of that pattern, quite reasonably.

HTH.

Yes he is.

Because he called them after it was over so basically just to draw attention to himself.

Because he knows his wife is not feeling well and he knows she has asked him not to involve his parents. If he was concerned about her he would not have called his parents.

Also because by passing on this news he gets to look ever so caring in front of her mum and his parents while any attempts by her to tell them how unsupportive he is being will be greeted with raised eyebrows.

I don't know what your hypothetical example is all about.

I'm thoroughly perplexed by this thread. Part of me thinks I must be very naive to take Simba's description of the situation at face value & I wonder if I should feel very sorry for Mrs Simba. Another part of me hates to condemn someone without better evidence and I do agree with SDTG that Simba can't say anything without it being seen in the worst possible light.

I also feel that the worst aspects of pregnancy & childbirth have been highlighted. Sometimes it's not so problematic (& I speak as the mother of twins by c section - the only one of my 6 pregnancies which had a happy ending). Yes it was tough afterwards but I didn't mind who wanted to visit or who my husband told.

I wish I could 'know' for sure what's going on here! Sorry, all that rambling isn't very helpful, but I don't see this as black and white. (However I'm known for my - sometimes stupidly - trusting nature).

I also think that a lot of posters are filling in the blanks to suit their storyline. I have said earlier that it's impossible to know what the real situation is. Samba has an unfortunate turn of phrase but, for all anyone knows it might be that his wife is horribly controlling.

I also think a lot of posters are just plain nasty. I wouldn't dream of saying such nasty things to anyone online when I don't know their circumstances. More than one poster has suggested Simba has mental health problems. How can anyone think that is acceptable?

Some posters have invested a lot of time in writing their posts but have made ridiculous assumptions. How the hell does anyone know what Simba was thinking when he called his Dad? It weird.

I do think Simba needs some help with his relationship and I hope he gets it from a professional who knows what they are talking about and knows the actual facts.

UND - most people are urging him to get professional help.

He's not listening though.

And also, to reply to Bialystock -- read again all his posts about his rights as a dad, equality in parenting, and firmness. Read what he wanted to do about getting the doctors as independent parties to tell his wife to admit visitors. And respect (lots about respect. It is a one way street however). And blackmail.

Interesting comment from mathanxiety....how many of you agree that a partner should put wife above baby and mother (not questioning wife above mother btw!)

Simba this is for you You are asking your wife to put you first, no?

You are asking her to be a dutiful wife to you first and mother to the baby second when you ask her to overcome her deep misgivings about your parents, but you yourself want to put your role as father to the baby first and that of a dutiful husband second.

You want to show yourself off to your parents as a father, something that nobody might have thought would happen, but at the same time you will not acknowledge that your wife has now become a mother or accept the reality of what that means for her.

You want to be treated as a father, with attendant rights, in the post partum period, yet you want your wife to be more a supportive wife than a protective mother -- you do not accept the degree to which she will from delivery on be a mother. You want to be firmer with her and make her treat you with the wifely respect you feel is due a husband and also that which is due to you as a father.

She can only be a supportive wife to you, in your eyes. You are not prepared to respect her as a husband respects a wife or the mother of his baby, and that much is shown by your conduct in the hospital recently. Essentially you will not step up to the plate and be a husband doing what supportive husbands do. Yet you want all the respect that goes with the territory.

Maybe it is the wife who is horribly controlling, but when it's your pregnancy and your labour, and I'd argue your brand newborn, you have every right to be.

That's the immediate issue for Simba here, the deeper mesh of relationships which needs sorting has to take a backseat til the post natal period is over. But it does need addressing then.

The reason I have resisted going into too much detail about specific reasons why the relationship has broken down so much is because there has not been one incident where a problem has arrisen, it is simply a catelogue of small minor incidents which together have built up resentment between my wife and pils but particularly my mil. It is soley down to a class of personalities.

My wife has often used the fact that my health condition means I am litterally to tired to fight back or argue when she isnt getting her way and I do admit to her that I resent her for that. I am recieving professional help to build up my own self confidence to deal with these situations in a better way for my own mental health. I have forgien her for incidents where she has hurt me phyisically, or put both of us in incredibally dangerous situations, because I know she doesnt mean it as its just her dealing badly with stress in her life. But the manipulation of me when she knows what she is doing really hurts.

We have tried couples councelling, which was many years ago now. She had previously had concelling to help her with issues about body image, which really helped so was looking forward to us going when we were at a very low point. But our sessions lasted just one session. She felt that the councellor sided with me too much. She wouldnt go back....or try another councellor.

Just recently too, we have been given some money to help specifically for us to move to a new house that is more suitable for my health needs, for a family friend on my side of the family. We have been renovating our house for the last few years with the exception of one room, which does need doing. We have coped with it for a fews now and whilst its not ideal, its livable...just! My DW has always wanted to renovate it but it would cost a lot of money. She is now making me feel bad for not using some of this money for the renovations, even though it would not help my health condition situation in the slightest, but because she would then feel happier and more house proud to invite her friends round! She has been told by her friends and family that this is not appropriate, but hasnt stopped her trying to pursude me.

Incidently, my parents are more than happy to see the baby whenever my dw is ready, but would hope to be one of the first to see the baby above other relatives or friends of me or my dw, which i dont think is unreasonable.

And how many of you can say that you have always asked your partners permission first before telling your immediate family something about them? Do we need to breif everything with our oh before we open our mouths to someone else? And how was I trying to draw attention to me by calling my own parents about something I was worried about? I didnt demand anything of my wife because of my conversation with them...and wouldnt it be unusual for your ils not to offer their support in a situation where they could help?

When her Grandma found out she was pregnant, she told me, in front of my dw and her mum, that we shouldnt be having children because of my condition and possibly passing it on! It was the most horrible thing anyone, particularly someone close to me could say. Do I refuse to speak to her Grandma? No...because I know she didnt mean anything deliberatly hurtful by what she said, and that we are all different and sometimes say things in a way we dont mean by its interpretation.

Im due myself for an operation shortly, and my dw has informed her mum about everything, including debating with her the pros and cons of the different types of surgery I could have without telling me she was going to do this.

Do I think she is wrong for doing this? No! And why not? Because she cares for me, and she is worried about me, and if discussing this with her mum helps her then that fine....in fact to be perfectly reasonable.

I'm sorry....but I really dont get this!

In my mind, the issue of Mrs Simba's feelings about her MiL (& vice versa) are secondary. It really doesn't matter (right now) whether or not Mrs Simba is controlling or if Mother Simba says nasty things to her. That particular situation needs to be set aside for later. The issue is that Mrs Simba (rightly or wrongly) does NOT want her ILs around her. And the paramount thing is the safe delivery of a healthy child. So for now, Simba needs to honour his wife and respect her decision in this. But he will not do so. He continues to disregard her wishes and keeps contacting his parents about her and giving them information that she does not want them to have.

I'm not 'judging' Mother & Father Simba. They may be very nice people and the problem is just a gross misunderstanding. But that doesn't matter right now. What matters is Simba learning that he MUST put his wife and unborn child's needs before his own OR his parent's. And he just doesn't seem to be able to do that nor to understand why he should. And I think that, because of his own health history, he just doesn't seem to be able to cut his dependency on his parents and learn to depend on himself and his wife, as a loving couple should.

Xpost with you, Simba, but I still stand by my words. It doesn't matter that you don't care if she talks about your health with her mum. She DOES care if you talk about hers with your parents. So DON'T! And that's all there is to that.

No one is saying that Mrs Simba is perfect and the fault all lies with you. What people are trying to tell you is, as I said above, it doesn't matter right now who is 'right' and who is 'wrong'. What matters is that your wife remains healthy and gives birth to a healthy child. And you just don't seem to be getting the fact that you are not helping her do that. You need to stop your 'if I do this, she must do that' or 'I can put up with her grandma's (perceived) rudeness so she must put up with my mother's (perceived) rudeness' mentality. It isn't helpful to either of you if you are sitting there 'keeping score' of who's doing what or who's putting up with what. Because right now, it is about a healthy baby for both of you. Isn't it?

"Im due myself for an operation shortly, and my dw has informed her mum about everything, including debating with her the pros and cons of the different types of surgery I could have without telling me she was going to do this."

I think she shouldn't have done this without checking with you.

More than one poster has suggested Simba has mental health problems. How can anyone think that is acceptable?

That is not an insult or 'nasty'. Noticing symptoms of a MH issue and suggesting checking them out is concern for health. If I saw a post where someone said 'I'm always thirsty and I feel unwell if I eat too much/too little sugar' I'd tell them it sounded like they need to get checked out for diabetes.

The reason why people do not get help is that mental health is seen as an insult not an illness. I am pretty shocked that people would think it is just an insult tbh. I thought times had changed. www.time-to-change.org.uk/?gclid=CI3FnJCwqL0CFdShtAodiWoAkA

"I have forgien her for incidents where she has hurt me phyisically, or put both of us in incredibally dangerous situations, because I know she doesnt mean it as its just her dealing badly with stress in her life. "

If your wife is deliberately hurting you physically, you need to seek help for that. Is there a charity associated with your disability you could call?

Simba, what on earth do you mean by saying that your wife has "hurt you physically" & that she has put you in "incredibly dangerous situations"? Is she actually abusive? If so, why would you wait until 900+ posts had been written before telling people this?

You keep making these statements which sound terrible but stop short of giving a clear description of what has actually happened - as in the "driving irrationally" example. Posters ask for clarification, you don't give it. And so it goes on.

You've said repeatedly that the issue between your wife & mum is one of "minor incidents" over time. I'm sure we can all relate to that. But how much easier it would have been if you'd given just one or two little examples of things that had happened / been said, instead of only providing your interpretation.

Of course even supposedly straightforward descriptions can be one-sided, but giving us some "raw data" would have to be more illuminating that what you're telling us here.

You do give us some concrete info. here. Your wife discussed your op. with her parents without your consent. She shouldn't have done that. But I do sympathize with a long-term carer (albeit not a full-time one) needing support. I don't think a husband with a pregnant wife is in the same category TBH, unless there are complications.

Your wife's GM sounds tactless & that was an appalling thing to say. Your wife should have made it clear that her opinion wasn't welcome. Is it a possibility, though, that your condition could be inherited by your child? Is this an added source of stress for you & your wife? Have you had any kind of counselling about this?

Re. the house - not sure I get all the key points, but as I understand it you moved somewhere suitable for your physical needs, using money from your side of the family. The house you moved to needed renovation & is now still only just "livable". Your wife wants to spend some of this money on further renovations that are not required purely for your health needs. Is that right?

Again, I sympathize with your wife. It's natural to want your home to be "right" when you're about to have a baby. It's normal for both partners to want an input into the family home & a say as to how it will be. Your physical needs are non-negotiable, but you seem to resent any suggestion that they shouldn't be the only factor in family decisions.

I've read all this thread & I still don't have a clue what's going on. The only thing that is 100% clear to me is that you're coming across as disliking your wife & as seeing yourself as morally superior. You seem to be concerned more to validate your own position than to improve the situation, & keep dragging in other people's opinions - the counsellor's, your friends' - in order to support this.

TBH, I think you're the essence of an unreliable narrator, simba, & I don't think you have any intention of answering the questions people keep asking. I don't think helping other people to understand, & thus enabling them to help you, is your objective here. I wish you & your wife the best of luck, & I think I'm going to leave the thread now too.

squizita. Sorry, you are right, I do think it can be ok to suggest mental illnesses however I was talking about the posts where it was done in a unpleasant way. There is a big difference IYSWIM I am not going back to read all the posts but there are some shockers in there.

Mental illness should be discussed and is definitely nothing to be ashamed of.

Simba does your wife have any mental health issues and do you think she is abusive?

Loonvanboon, I have to say what you said is spot on - the man is a drip feeder and to be honest sounds like he's making it up as he goes along to suit himself entirely - the sort of man I couldn't abide myself and I'm fairly easy going, you sound like a cross between a martyr and narcissist and a jellyfish, your poor wife and child, no doubt in years to come your child will be having to line up as your carer as well... I know people who have horrific, debilitating injuries and disabilities who don't have a chip like you have, if you choose to live your life caring around bags of built up crap and resentment then your loss

Your wife has discussed your health with her parents because she has your permission.
You discussed your wife's health with your parents but you did not have permission.
It's that simple! She is the one going into labour, she will be the one who decides who she wants to see and when after going through labour and childbirth.

It's not so much the fact that you talked to your parents, it's the fact that you had to phone them while your wife was in hospital being treated.

Are you going to go phone your parents for support when you are struggling to cope with your wife's labour?

She's hurt you physically? As in been violent towards you?

Don't you think you should have mentioned this before now?

Your description of your relationship is not great Simba.

You describe your wife as being abusive towards you and neglecting your needs and desires. In an attempt to be more assertive and stand up for yourself, you have fallen into the trap of ignoring her wishes, trying to get her back for the resentment you have bubbling away inside you.

The relationship is not a healthy one. There is a lack of respect and empathy both ways and a complete lack of equality. Neither of you seems capable of prioritising each other's needs appropriately, and there's a sense of tit for tat, well if you're going to do that, then I'm going to do this. No negotiation or agreement, both of you forcing your wishes on the other whenever you get the opportunity.

It doesn't sound like your wife is very thoughtful or kind to you, so you are taking this opportunity to consistently ignore her wishes and take advantage of her vulnerability for the first time, and have things your way. You are so pissed off at her for having her way so much of the time, that now you want a bit of control back. I understand the sentiment, but you are going about it all wrong.

I really don't see how this is going to work. The resentment between you will continue to build until you hate each other. You sound completely incompatible.