What do you want to say to midwives?

[Whistleforit]

Have been asked to speak to a conference of them about What Matters to Women from patient perspective. Come on, what you got for me? :)

Hello Emsyj... V interesting. Can I ask where that is? Pm me if you'd rather not post. These are London midwives.

I want them to not judge me. I've met two midwives so far in the eleven weeks of my pregnancy, and one has been lovely - the other has seemed to judge me and dislike me from the moment I told her I'm nineteen.

I didn't intend for this to happen, but it's new and it's unexpected and I'm a little bit scared - I could do with just a bit of reassurance and to be treated like a human, rather than looked at like scum. You know the look - the "ah, so YOU'RE the sort who'll be scrounging my hard-earned money" look.

It's a) hopefully not true, and b) not very helpful.

the same midwife to stick with the women for her whole pregnancy care instead of just some different each week/visit

the post-natal ward was awful the midwives should not come in at 2am after you have given birth and lecture you on the whole contro thing yes it might be their job but really i just gave birth did i need to hear that no i didnt at that particular time
the wards where lit up most the nights fully so how can these mums even get any sleep with that cause i certainly didnt

the midwives to be caring and make you feel like your welcome their would be nice instead of getting the feeling they just dont care!

if pain relief is requested then give it to the women its their right to have it

make discharge easier if your having a hospital birth because it took 8 hours for someone to discharge me last time and i had a child at home i needed to get back to

Don't do a sweep when you've only had agreement for an examination.

Don't force your own alternative medicine agenda on anyone: I didn't want homeopathy and my daughter didn't need a cranial osteopath, thanks.

Don't refuse to give people pain relief when they want it. I really fucking wanted that gas and air. I was in pain. I had been in labour for ten fucking hours.

Keep being champions for women's right to choose how they give birth: I wanted and got my home water birth, thank you!

After DD was born I asked a midwife to please show me how to get her to latch on, as I was struggling. She took DD, shoved her under my nighty onto the boob, said "That's how" and left the room. I never did manage successful BF with DD, and I was heartbroken. I was 21 and convinced that this would mean I was an awful mum already.
Just 2 minutes of explanation, or even pointing in the direction of a person or group that had the time to help would've made a huge difference.
Otherwise I felt very well looked after during the birth, I was given all the options and everything was explained as it progressed, and for that I'm very thankful.
I'm currently 37+2 with DS, and my midwife is lovely, very calm, very friendly, and explains everything to me. That's all I want really.

Examine a new mum after the birth, as well as the baby. Nobody ever examined me after my forceps birth - not even briefly. It took me 14 months to diagnose my own prolapse! Early months of my first child's life ruined (for me) by back pain and constipation.

Listen please listen to what I am saying and please read my birth plan notes. I spent a lot of time and effort doing those notes and they were totally ignored

OK. Two children - five pgs beyond 1st trimester.

1. Do not assume that every child is a mistake.
2. Listen and read the notes; I do not expect miscarriage or neo-natal deaths to be incorrectly recorded in subsequent pregnancies.
3. Accept that some parents are married, comfortable and have planned children.
4. Look at me when you speak to me.
5. Do not disseminate an NHS mantra, ie, breastfeeding, when you do not have the specific skills to support it.
6. Be kind and considerate and remember that birth is a special thing for the majority of parents.
7. At a post natal visit - 72 hours after giving birth do not just launch into a contraceptive lecture and ask if one is doing one's pelvic floor exercises and then laugh and whilst waving your hand in air say "well if you don't this is what your husband will think of sex".
8. Remember that the mother is your client and if the NHS was not free at the point of delivery she would have a choice about paying your bill.
9. Do not send five community midwives in six days after giving birth and expect to build a friendly relationship.

10. When you are in someone's home, remember that you are a guest and if you really feel the need to ask if this baby has the same father as the last try and do it politely and explain why - especially when the mother is on her third pg and that baby might actually die at 27 weeks as mine did. 11. When parents point out in the labour room that the baby's heart beat is disappearing - do not laugh and say "oh it's the belt slipping" - thank God my husband opened the door and said "I want someone in charge in here right now". Our DS1 had the cord wrapped round his neck and his life was saved because of that.

In short find some basic manners and a modicum of respect, professionalism and competence.

My eldest is nearly 19. My youngest is 15 and we went private the 5th time the difference was unimaginable - mainly because I was treated like a human being who wanted a planned child.

As you were and I do hope you have learnt something because in my experience after HV's midwives are the doziest, most discourteous individuals I have ever come across. Still remembers the silly bitch at the 12 scan when the baby was dead saying "oh did you want it when I burst into tears".

On the whole the doctors I came across were brilliant - and women say they want midwife led birth - I certainly wouldn't have tried it out of choice for the last time and by golly I had some practice by then.

If you can tell me one thing OP - why do midwives think pgs are unplanned and talk utter shite to mothers - we really aren't stupid and if I say I don't know if I will breast feed next time I do not expect you to record will breastfeed - do you guys think we are too stupid to notice; likewise if I miscarry at 12 weeks in 1996 do you think I won't notice if you write 1995 which would have been 4 months after having my previous child. LISTEN or don't bother - why doesn't your profession listen?

I will PM you OP with some details.

I was told with certainty that my boy was in a perfect position by 3 mw, only to find at the +10 appointment that his bum wasn't his bum, it was his head. It would be good to emphasize that the bump feeling isn't always accurate.

What Matters to Me

Please speak to my face and not my bump.
Don't touch me without my permission.
Don't avoid eye contact when I ask you a question.
Talk to ME and not the doctor when I am in labour.
Don't make decisions about my pain relief without speaking to me.
Don't shove your hand up my vagina when I am having a contraction - especially when I haven't given you consent.
Don't tell me you are "just going to have a look" when you are breaking my waters without my consent.
Please don't cut me with your scissors. My DH can see you are hiding them behind your back.
Don't pull on the cord and leave half of the placenta behind because that will mean that I will have to have the doctor shove his arm up my vagina (up to his elbow) to retrieve the bits you left behind. Without pain relief. Because I'm bleeding out. That screaming you can hear - that's me.

But most of all, treat me with kindness and respect. I am a nurse and that is how I would treat you, if you were in my care.

That midwives at the same hospital should have THE SAME breast feeding advice and technique. The two hospitals I was at, for birth and then for post natal care, gave me different and sometimes opposite advice!
And not one of them noticed that DD's suck was wrong and told me to "keep persevering" despite me crying in pain and getting no sleep.
Thank god I saw a lactation consultant who spotted it straight away and completely changed my breastfeeding experience!

Crikey, it is overwhelming that this is going wrong for so many people so often. Does anyone have a theory about why?

You've already been told: lack of manners, lack of respect, lack of professionalism, lack of courtesy. Give me an obstetrician every time please. Spoke to me nicely, empathised, gave accurate clinical information. It really isn't hard.

Actually I meant to say competence. My DC are nearly 19 and 15. I still look back on those years with utter horror. The only time I was treated well was when I had consultant led care and when we paid - and for that birth I got a very experienced midwife during labour and she listened.

Do you think they intend to be rude & unprofessional Married or do you think there is something else going on?

If I ruled the world, I would get rid of midwives as I don't feel that they are fit for purpose.

I think they are just ill mannered hags who assume every baby is a mistake. And they are so hard they no longer see or care about people's feelings or dignity. Our babies were borne from love; not from a knock up in a shop doorway but that's how I was made to feel. 19 years ago they weren't overworked either - imo.

I was treated like I was a dumb walking incubator. I was made to feel that I was interrupting their busy day because I had the audacity to want to give birth when they were trying to read their soap magazines and talk about their sex lives.

They should have a nursing degree for a start and specialise into midwifery. Poor skill standards are the core issue.

I think it must be quite hard to deal sensitively with a woman who is in labour when you have never met her before. Clearly you are more likely to hit the right note with someone you know and have built a relationship with, which is possibly why continuity of care keeps coming up.

Don't hold your patients in contempt.

Whistle I would respectfully suggest that for the majority of women, things go right. The small minority of women for whom things go wrong (and apparently very wrong in some cases) are much more likely to reply to threads like this.

I had two straight forward births - presided over at the crucial times by my obstetrician - I paid handsomely for this privilage - the midwives were worth at least double his fee apiece for their amazing care and attention and calmness - and for making me feel that: yes, I was the very first woman on this earth to go through childbirth! I wanted to take each and every one of them home with me afterwards. I had fantastic faultless care from my midwives - possibly 6 of them in total in my time.