Growing anxiety about childbirth - what can I do?

[BraveLilBear]

Currently D-date minus 6 weeks or thereabouts and have been getting more and more panicky about giving birth.

I expect some of this is probably 'natural' anxiety, but I am really struggling to talk a way out of my worries - nothing I've tried so far seems to help.

I think I've pinned down the majority of my concerns to: having examinations 'done' to me in a very intimate and vulnerable setting (my phobia of dentists stems from the same thing), perceived lack of control, and a general fear of or lack for trust for strangers in such a setting (this also has roots in a mildly traumatic surgical procedure early in pregnancy).

I have tried to talk to DP about this, and he is listening and trying to be sympathetic, but his attitude is to suck it up as the VEs and other procedures are there for a reason and best for baby. I understand this, and I understand that apparently 'I won't care at the time' - but I care about it now, and it's making me more and more panicky.

Logically, I know everything will be fine and I can trust my body to (hopefully) do it's thing and I'm not tokophobic by any stretch of the imagination - but the prospect of having to expose myself to strangers in this way is making me very stressed.

What practical steps can I take to try and 'suck it up' and reduce this growing fear?

Speak to your midwives. Ask for tour of hospital. Mention to consultants. At least I'd start there....

Godd luck.

didnt want to read and run. have you mentioned any of this to your MW and asked for your concerns to be noted? i only remember having one VE during labour - and the MW asked if i wanted that carried out to see how far dilated i was. it certainly wasnt forced upon me.

are you doing any natal hypnotherapy or is that not your kind of thing? i am not sure it helped me birth, but it definitely helped with my anxiety levels with my fear of hospitals and feeling out of control.

are you able to home birth / stay at home and feel in control for as long as possible?

Just to add: I think I would feel more controlled in a waterbirth but there is only one pool available at CLU, homebirth has been ruled out by DP for mess reasons and first-born reasons, so I may not have that option.

I understand VEs are not-compulsory, however, the sense I am getting is that my trust are very blase about them and I don't think a decision to refuse them will be taken well, and therefore is unrealistic as a plan going forward.

Thanks in advance for any advice...

Blimey - x-posts, thanks!

Not mentioned to mw yet - she's very old-school and doesn't seem very sympathetic ie I got an actual lecture the other day about how I should go to the dentist etc. I suspect she'd tell me to suck it up.

The other mw seems a lot more open to this, but it appears to be random as to who you get on the day.

Am looking at hypnobirthing or natal hypnotherapy but money is tight - fortunately a friend has today offered to get her husband (trained hypnotherapist) to do my a free CD.

And there is no option for a tour - I saw a slideshow at first antenatal class this week. They stopped doing tours because the delivery suite is too busy and they were (understandably) inundated by people wanting to see.

Like everyone else says speak to the midwives and doctors. You are not alone in this. You can ask for minimal examinations. I'm sure there must be a compromise.

Remember to put your fears in your birth plan and try to gain some control back by having a really good think about what would help you. Maybe water birth or home birth would be an option for you.

Have you thought of looking into hypnobirthing or breathing techniques? These can be very relaxing and help you feel in control.

Also once you get past a certain point you will probably not care. I know that's hard to believe now but its usually the way. Also bear in mind your hormones are making your reactions and feelings very heightened at the moment.

and FWIW bravelilbear i am due with DC3 and am having the same anxieties and the out of control feelings. i had natural birth with DC1, ELCS witH DC2 and possibly facing another CS (my babies love to be breech for some reason). am having a major panic this week as it suddenly all feels so REAL.

speak to your MW - and if she is really horrible, ask for another. is there any way you could persuade DP about the home birth? I had homebirth booked with DC1 though the little monkey got stuck and honestly there wasnt a mess made (apart from strewn drinks bottles and mars wrappers i think).

I felt exactly the way you are describing, but a few things helped loads.

I had a natal hypnotherapy CD, which certainly helped with my anxiety pre-birth, and I think helped me focus during the birth (I have no frame of comparison, but some of the phrases came back to me and they seemed to help).

I also found pregnancy yoga really helped - the breathing techniques came in useful during the birth and the exercise definitely stopped me seizing up completely and becoming beached on the sofa at 42 weeks!

I wrote a birth plan too, and would recommend doing so, not necessarily saying how you expect the birth to go, but detailing how you wish to proceed in different circumstances, any no-nos, whether you want to be encouraged to be active/left alone etc etc. Just the process of going through the options and realising I did actually have some helped me feel a bit more in control.

Oh and ime leave it as long as you can before going to hospital (obviously this will depend on your journey to get there, but if you're relatively close...) That will cut down on the number of examinations and the later you are in the birth process, the less chance you have of self-consciousness taking over and slowing down.

you do not have to have VE. I asked for none. I have an extreme phobia of them, the midwife admitting me was FINE with it.

Bravelilbear - how much reading around childbirth have you done? The more you know about the process, the less scared you'll be. Try reading some Ina May Gaskin, Childbirth without Fear,Effective Birth Preparation and possibly the Hypnobirthing book by Marie Mongan to let you know that birth doesnt have to be a scary thing.

If you're scared of your midwife, have you thought about a birth doula - women who attend births and act as your advocate and who you can talk through your fears with in advance? Doula.org.uk will be able to list doulas in your area. Prices vary depending on their experience and if money is tight they may be able to cut you a deal.

Finally, think about looking into natal hypnotherapy or hypnobirthing to release your fears around birth. Its not that bad - if it was that bad, there wouldnt be so many humans on the planet would there?

Will pray it's the nice midwife at 36 weeks, as I think I'll be able to speak to her.

I think I might also be able to get DP on board with something to distract me... He would never dream of helping with hypnobirthing etc but may be willing to talk to me and hold me in a way that makes me feel a bit safer.

Earlier in this pregnancy I needed to have a vaginal scan which was stressful but I 'sucked it up' despite feeling inwardly quite upset. Having DP there helped, and also the fact that it wasn't very exposed, ie was well covered etc.

I'm also concerned about after the birth, when all the adrenaline is out of the system and there'll be people wanting to crowd around to examine me for tears and stitching etc. A friend recently gave birth and had stitches afterwards - made everything very real for me.

After my first birth I researched a LOAD more and my subsequent births were fab.

First rule: No-one to ever touch me. This is the baseline from where I can consent. No VE's in a similar vein. Not only do you not have to be disturbed but the midwife has to spend a lot more time with you to assess how far along you are if they can't do a VE AND you are almost guaranteed a more experienced one given you are an 'awkward customer' and need someone with the skills to identify how far along you are without touching you.

Also, my two subsequent births were in the pool. Your nethers are underwater and hidden and you can wear a top.

Also, no-one can touch you there. If the midwife or anyone gets too close you simply float to the otherside and they have to run around the outside.

'I understand VEs are not-compulsory, however, the sense I am getting is that my trust are very blase about them and I don't think a decision to refuse them will be taken well, and therefore is unrealistic as a plan going forward'

No it isn't. Honestly, if you can't get this basic right in place it is absolutely NOT the hospital for you (or anyone imo). Get a midwife to put it in your notes and sign that you have discussed it and will not be consenting to VEs and that she has agreed this with you and it will not be discussed except in case of a medical emergency.

Btw, there was NO mess with my two natural births. The 3rd was a homebirth and absolutely NO trace of it anywhere. The advantage of a pool birth at home is that any mess is contained.

Homebirths are not risky as the midwives are better trained than in a CLU when any old numpty can care for you on the basis that they can press a button for the doctors to come running. Homebirth midwives can spot potential problems way before they manifest and get you transferred in good time.

Thanks all - some great suggestions here. I think part of the issue has come from not being able to find decent books - they're all quite airy-fairy and vague, but will try and find some of those titles.

The bizarre thing is it's not the pain that I'm fearing (although after last night's calf-cramp attack and my woeful ability to handle that I am less sure!), it's more the mental lack of control ie around transition, the lack of privacy and the expectation that you should submit to xy and z. Even if I refused VEs, there would be an expectation of exposing myself during birth, post-birth etc.

I really wanted to do pregnancy yoga but was blocked because of a low-lying placenta (which I recently discovered was a load of rubbish) and it's now a bit late to start (at nearly 34 weeks), but will definitely look for some breathing exercises.

Mummybare I live very close to the hospital - 5-10mins away - so should be able to hold out for a while, so will definitely try to do so.

Thanks again. I feel so pathetic. I'm a professional woman, 33 years old, I shouldn't be so freaking worried about this. But I am.

If your bottom is underwater you do not expose yourself.

Once the baby is out, you can deliver the placenta under water too.

Once that is out you can be covered up by towels.

At some point (a couple of hours later when you have fed the baby, had some tea and toast and you are still flooded with hormones,) you can agree to the baby being weighed and then agree for ONE midwife to discreetly inspect the health down below, whist you avail yourself of the gas and air and sing twinkle twinkle in your head.

If you've had a calm waterbirth with little interference your odds of needing repair are reduced.

Thanks Starlight - would desperately love a waterbirth for all of those reasons!

DP has ruled out homebirth as he is squeamish re blood and stuff and does not want to clean up after I've given birth (he's very much the clean one of the two of us) - he would still need to empty the pool and is not willing to do so. He has also had a bad experience surrounding a previous partner's birth so I wonder if that is in his thoughts, too.

Unfortunately my birthing choices are limited - only one hospital within 40+ miles, only MLU closed 18-months ago due to staffing issues.

Definitely read Ina May's books and get your DP to read them too.
There are really good hypnotherapy CDs - I got one for £11 from amazon! Get your DP to listen too - he can repeat the phrases to you during labour.

It's not too late to start yoga especially fr the lovely and amazingly helpful breathing techniques - if you practice every day for the next six weeks that's a lot of practice!

You need to be able to fully trust someone, as some of the time you'll be in your own little bubble mentally. Ideally that person is your DP and the midwife working together but if he's not that keen to get involved with the more 'hippy' side of coping then maybe consider a doula.

Support is so important, even of its just someone to help count your breathing eg counting to four as you breathe out so you make the out breath last longer and saying 'only two more breaths in this contraction' etc.

I found at transition I was at my most lucid and logical as I had quite l

Oops! Posted too soon
Quite long gaps between contractions where I was able to say things like, ooh, the bump goes really hard during a contraction doesn't it? Etc. I think afterwards I realised I was talking crap, but at the time I felt very sensible and in control!

I had one VE and it was ok ish, but the checks afterwards honestly were absolutely fine, could barely feel them and also really wanted to be checked which makes a big difference!

Hope that helps. It's totally normal what you're feeling, and you've stil got plenty of time to find and practice ways of coping

By the time I got to the hospital (for the second time, it was a loooong labour) I was 6cm dilated, the midwife didn't need to do a VE she just had a quick peek before I got in the pool. I don't really have any other advice, except to say that from what I've heard anecdotally from friends that there is no problem if you refuse VEs, they just judge things by other methods.

Brilliant advice from starlight, OP.

But....you are giving birth!
Sorry, but I don't understand why you would have an issue with examinations.
What did you expect!?
As for being naked/half naked...
Trust me, it's unlikely you will care at all.
I stripped naked during both my transitions but I got very very hot and needed to and didn't care one tiny bit!
I think the best advice anyone can give you is to take it as it comes, make no concrete plans, don't think you have "failed" because you don't manage a water birth under the stars with whale music playing and if you need pain relief take it.
I have had 2 vaginal births with no pain relief and I really believe that the open minded thing is what helped me most.
Maybe I am odd, but VE and being naked never worried me at all, and I am a worrier by nature!
I delivered the placenta naturally which I do think is important. They will try and convince you otherwise, be warned! Ask the MW not to cut the cord til it's stopped pulsating.
Oh, and I had a really bad 3rd degree year with ds2 and needed stitching up and it was fine...never felt a thing.
Good luck x

I hate examinations of any kind too... DH had to drag me to the dentist when a big chunk of my tooth fell out!

I had a homebirth for my first. Luckily, DH was supportive of this but he didn't have to do any clear up! We used a plastic dust sheet to cover the bed & the midwives just folded all the mess up in it & threw the lot away. I kept a sheet nearby to cover myself with if I felt too exposed at any time, but didn't use it!

Like you, it was more the intimacy/examinations aspect that I was concerned about than the pain. I read Ina May's book & found it gave me the confidence to trust my body & to know that the MW's policies aren't necessarily the best thing for my individual labour. Knowing this made me feel more able to take charge & not let them do anything I didn't feel comfortable with.

I'm due #2 any day now & I'm planning another homebirth. The one thing I'm dreading is having strangers in my house! I'd quite happily just not call them at all but I know it's not sensible! I'm just trying to avoid dwelling on it but this time I don't plan on them touching me. They can listen to the heartbeat as & when I feel able to get into a position for them to do it but I'm planning to catch him myself so there's no need for anyone else to be involved. I'm thinking of the midwife's presence as having a first aid kit in my bag - there if I need it but not something that's in control of my life! I'll let them know when things are starting so they're prepared but I'll put off calling them until DH insists absolutely necessary!