Growing anxiety about childbirth - what can I do?

[BraveLilBear]

Currently D-date minus 6 weeks or thereabouts and have been getting more and more panicky about giving birth.

I expect some of this is probably 'natural' anxiety, but I am really struggling to talk a way out of my worries - nothing I've tried so far seems to help.

I think I've pinned down the majority of my concerns to: having examinations 'done' to me in a very intimate and vulnerable setting (my phobia of dentists stems from the same thing), perceived lack of control, and a general fear of or lack for trust for strangers in such a setting (this also has roots in a mildly traumatic surgical procedure early in pregnancy).

I have tried to talk to DP about this, and he is listening and trying to be sympathetic, but his attitude is to suck it up as the VEs and other procedures are there for a reason and best for baby. I understand this, and I understand that apparently 'I won't care at the time' - but I care about it now, and it's making me more and more panicky.

Logically, I know everything will be fine and I can trust my body to (hopefully) do it's thing and I'm not tokophobic by any stretch of the imagination - but the prospect of having to expose myself to strangers in this way is making me very stressed.

What practical steps can I take to try and 'suck it up' and reduce this growing fear?

I am - perhaps - odd in the sense that I did not have an issue with VEs in pg and birth (especially considering my past)
I did give the op my advice on his to deal with them. I advised her to keep an open mind and to go with the flow once she was in labour.
That is what helped me the most....not having any expectation or plans or fixed ideas in my head if how it "should" be.
I am sorry if that offends anyone.
But I had 2 vaginal deliveries with no pain relief (and ds2 was a whopper) and felt pretty much in control in both births (more so the second) I was never made to do anything I didn't want to do, and was able to have 2 active labours and give birth in the positions I wanted. I also got to have a natural 4th stage with ds2.
Good luck op.

Badvoc, I was clear that I didn't want the midwives to get any information that would override what I was telling them or what I knew to be true.

My experience was that VEs can be used against you and your needs, and ultimately the needs of the baby, due to 'policy' or whatever. My level of pain was taken seriously until the VE. In fact the midwife thought I was in transition I was making so much noise, but discovering I was 2cm everything changed into shouting at me for making so much fuss.

The pain levels I experienced at that 2cm has not been met either during that labour in subsequent births but has left me with PTSD flashbacks.

The midwife should have used my behaviour as indicative that the birth was not so straightforward, position not so good. Instead, her instinct (thinking I was near the end) was overridden by the VE, and my feedback was ignored.

In my 3rd birth I did my own VE in the pool and simply told the midwife.

I had the opposite star.
With ds1 I wasn't making any noise, screaming, anything.
I walked into the labour suite smiling and with my tens machine on low.
So they didn't examine me and sent me home.
I started to bleed once home, rang them and they told me to come back.
Thank goodness someone then gave me a VE because I was 6cms and still not making any noise.
Not everyone screams their head off (nothing wrong with doing so course).
Without that VE ds1 would have been a bathroom flood job and he may not have made it (very sick iugr baby)
I can see why you feel why you do, and hope you can see why I feel the way I do.

I do Bad, and I suspect if I was experiencing labour as you did then, I would have wanted a VE because I would think that the midwives needed that extra information at that point.

Bleeding and strange things does call for a more thorough examination.

So is there really a 'right' answer to this? Surely it has to be down to individuals to make a call and to consider a range of different experiences so they can do whats right and they feel is most important to them.

I think the polar opposite experiences of badvoc and star just highlight the fact that VEs may be right in some case but not in others and there should be an emphasis on considering a range of possibilities from a number of signs, rather than relying too heavy on any single one.

You both highlight the point that no two births are the same, yet why are we following into this trap in medicine of following protocol to the letter with very little room for movement from that? It means we are giving scorecards and tick sheets for progress which very few women actually meet and are appropriate for.

If anything this prescribed medicine is the problem rather than solution in a great many cases when it comes to this particular area of medicine. Yes there does need to be 'best practise' for certain things, but they shouldn't be 'only practice' which is essentially what they seem to be becoming within the framework of the NHS.

I think that we do need to encourage women to talk about this subject, and give feedback about the range of different ways that women cope with examinations and potentially come up with less invasive methods to observe the same things. Whether this be through the development of better or new technology or more training of staff to be able to spot the difference and identify which pattern of giving birth from a variety of common trends they seem to be following rather than having this much more singular attitude to progress.

I gave birth in the US and with DD I was induced. I was always in my own room and apart from the inital induction, all VE were done with the bedsheet over the top so I wasn't exposed. I think I had four VE in total with DD and none with DS as I had a CS (however my insides were out on view!)

Your fear is very rational. I went through the same thing with both DD and DS. I had a planned CS for DS but that was because I had an EMCS with DD and got pregnant within a year. What helped me with DD was focusing on knowing childbirth was short term. My obn told me that it was policy to proceed to a CS if, after your waters break, there is no progression in 24hrs. That stuck in my head as I clung to the side rails of the bed in agony, breathing deeply to calm myself, in a final quest to dilate past 5cm.

Brave - congratulations.

I would second the advice to read some Ina May Gaskin. There is also lots of positive mantra type stuff on the web. Really uplifting and reassuring.

I too was very scared of lots of elements of labour, and was surprised by how excited and happy I felt when labour began. I was really buzzy. Just telling you this as you may find the same....you're aware that you're going to meet your baby and things that mattered to me a lot suddenly mattered a lot less. I'm not belittling your concerns, just letting you know that you MAY let go of them a bit in the excitement of the moment.

If you need to have VEs (and as others have said you can refuse them) could DH massage your hands in a practiced way so you know the moves he'll make and you just breathe, look at him, feel the sensations in your fingers.

You could prepare a bit by getting something long, dark and stretchy to wear in labour. I wore a long navy t shirt dress (at all times - lifted it up to have epidural put in, hitched it up to let midwife have some peeks) and felt cosily covered. Primarks finest I'll have you know n

Agree w everything rtb has said above.

I read a midwives study handbook before I gave birth first time and it quoted studues showing how ves can be harmful and unhelpful and noted all the other ways mws can gauge progress - there are many indicators.

It is really sad OP that you feel your trust will not support you in refusing ves. I did so formy second birth and my mws were v happy with this. They were also enormously respectful about inspecting and repairing me post-birth - gaveme time to settle with baby first, only one mw in room, gave me choice after explaining extent of tears, performed sutures in dark room.

The ve and post-birth treatment I had for first birth left me feeling humiliated and violated. I consented to the ve because I thouht I was probably in transition and wanted the psychological boost of knowing I was fully dilated. mw said 5cm, so there will be "at least another five hours til you push". I gave up, transferred to hospital for epidural as I felt I couldnt cope, started pushing in ambulance and gave birth an hour after examination.

Regarding homebirth OP, I read your comments about your OH not liking mess and the thought going through my head was 'OP halving her risk of ending up on an operating table by having a homebirth' vs 'OP's DH having to clean up a bit of after birth' and felt myself going into an eye-rolling frenzy at your OH.

It may not be what you in the end want, but it's right that your OH should be clear of what the benefits of a homebirth are, so he can offset his fear of tidying up against possible very significant health benefits for you.

All recent studies have shown that healthy women have about half the likelyhood of c-section and other interventions if they have their baby at home. I think that's very, very worth knowing, even if, in the end, you decide it's not for you. At least you're making an informed choice on the basis of your health and your baby's, rather than prioritising your partner's squeamishness as the first consideration.

OP, everything you have said is everything I'm also afraid of. I'm also 33 weeks and am conscious of how time is flying by. So many people say 'you won't care when the time comes' but me knowing my own mind, how will that be possible?

I have a history of issues that i am still not dealing with very well, but there was one medical instance that is forefront in my mind at the moment. I had to have a procedure a few years ago which involved a VE beforehand whilst I was on a ward. I was told prior to this that I wouldn't be exposed, and only a doctor and nurse would be present. What actually happened was I had the curtain pulled right back, I could see the patient in the bed opposite, there was a nurse, a doctor, another doctor (could have been a student, I wasn't told) and a porter loitering around. I knew this wasn't right at the time, but I was so scared that I just tried to put it to the back of my mind for years. It has prevented me from going for smear tests, stopped me from having my coil checked annually and ultimately removed until a year after it had expired. It was only because DH and I were so desperate for a baby that I finally forced myself to see my GP. Even now, I'm so worried about what to expect. I read so much about women stripping off during labour and not caring about what happens during, but I know I will be different. I almost wish I could be put under GA just so I won't know the horror that I'm expecting :( wish I could just get over this and get out of my own head

here

This is a good article about fear of childbirth.

Thank you everyone for such a range of replies. Following the advice on here, I bought a copy of Juju Sundin's book over the weekend and have been reading it. It contains some really useful and interesting ideas and have helped take away some of the feelings about lack of control (over the pain etc).

My concerns remain with examinations - I hate the way they feel, but most of all, it is the sense of being invaded, vulnerable and humiliated that makes me so stressed. It took years to be able to go for smear tests, partly because of the treatment at my first one when I was about 19/20 - it was coarse, vulgar and psychologically difficult.

Between then and the next time I was due for one (they changed national policy so not til I was 25 or so), I had my trust severely violated by someone in that way.

I have since mustered the courage to attend two tests (both much delayed, which led to being 'told off' by various HCPs), but both were psychologically very difficult, and involved lots of tears and nightmares. Fortunately, I had sympathetic care on both of these occasions which lessened the impact.

Even with these less negative experiences, I still have concerns, especially given the heightened emotion of labour anyway and the fact that I wll not have met any of the midwives etc in advance. Yet I understand that sometimes, these are essential. I would never want to jeopardise the safety of my baby or myself as a result, however, I need to consider the pyschological aftermath of such invasive procedures.

I'm planning to write something on my birthplan to express these concerns, and will also attempt to discuss this with the nicer midwife if I get the chance.

Steakchips that's a horrendous experience, no wonder you feel as you do. Have you ever raised a complaint?

Tasmanian hi, yes I was in the moshpit for a while... I lost touch tho after ending up in hospital for emergency surgery early doors. Hope you are well!

HandMini - thank you, that's a really great idea. My DP is very much pro-authority and anti 'hippy-shit' but he does understand my issues. I think this is something he'd be able to manage and would be of enormous help given that I trust him completely.

Also thought I'd add that I did have to have a transvaginal ultrasound out of the blue at my 20-week scan. I submitted to this, with the help of my DP (who was fortunately there at the time), because I was told it was best to do it there and then. It was unpleasant and stressful, but felt minimally invasive.

I'm not a coward, and I do listen to what is 'best' but I know only too well that a small plastic probe is very different to having strangers groping around in procedures that are likely to be much more painful.

Brave...it may not be painful.
I can't guarantee that, obv. But mine weren't.
If you get on with your MW and talk to her about your fears I am sure she will be able to put your mind at rest, or at least make the proceedure bearable if you do need one.
Good luck.
(And being scared of ANY medical proceedure does NOT make you a coward!)

If you do decide to consent to a VE, you can ask for gas and air while they do it. I did this and it made me giggle for ages and not mind it at all! I had previously been very worried about VEs, more about pain than privacy though.

Thanks for the input - am definitely considering hypnobirthing but DP won't help (says it's a load of bollocks and it won't help me because I'll fret and stress) so don't know how much point it is to go it alone on that front.

Will look up that post, thanks.

Brave, I just listened to the natal hypnotherapy cd at home a lot towards the end. DH didn't listen to it all, he's not keen on anything woo. I really found it helpful, along with the juju sundin book I recommended.

Thanks Tas - are you through the other side already then? Congrats if so! I downloaded the Juju Sundin book at the weekend and it's great... really useful ideas in there tho I did freak out a smidge last night when I realised how big a lollipop stick was

My friend said she'd get her hubby to do me a CD so fingers crossed that might be enough to give me some ideas and tactics at least.

Yes, mini tas is nearly 4 wks old. He was worth all the heartache it took to get him here. Hope that it all goes really well for you, and you get a chance to talk to a sensible midwife. Hopefully they can reassure you, it can't be an unusual situation. And it is all worth it in the end!

That's great news! Congratulations Fingers crossed at least some of all this sensible advice along with Juju's will stick - am certainly feeling less anxious at the moment. Thanks again for your help - and enjoy MiniTas!