Growing anxiety about childbirth - what can I do?

[BraveLilBear]

Currently D-date minus 6 weeks or thereabouts and have been getting more and more panicky about giving birth.

I expect some of this is probably 'natural' anxiety, but I am really struggling to talk a way out of my worries - nothing I've tried so far seems to help.

I think I've pinned down the majority of my concerns to: having examinations 'done' to me in a very intimate and vulnerable setting (my phobia of dentists stems from the same thing), perceived lack of control, and a general fear of or lack for trust for strangers in such a setting (this also has roots in a mildly traumatic surgical procedure early in pregnancy).

I have tried to talk to DP about this, and he is listening and trying to be sympathetic, but his attitude is to suck it up as the VEs and other procedures are there for a reason and best for baby. I understand this, and I understand that apparently 'I won't care at the time' - but I care about it now, and it's making me more and more panicky.

Logically, I know everything will be fine and I can trust my body to (hopefully) do it's thing and I'm not tokophobic by any stretch of the imagination - but the prospect of having to expose myself to strangers in this way is making me very stressed.

What practical steps can I take to try and 'suck it up' and reduce this growing fear?

I cared very much about my dignity and privacy during birth.

I wasn't stripping off however hot, nor consenting to VEs unless there was something very worrying going on and the MW needed additional information.

It did make things a BIT tricky because given no-one interfered I was able to be unusually calm and the MWs were caught by surprise when the baby decided to come. And both times weren't fully prepared.

But giving birth generallyinvolves the vaginaa, yes?so VE is likley andeven skmetimesneccessary?

Blimey, i cant type on thistablet!

But VEs don't tell the midwives anything useful. Just how many cm you are which they can put on their chart and follow a logarithmic policy of what to do next enabling them to monitor you against the clock - from their cup of tea.

It's such a tiny and if you are properly cared for, irrelevant piece of information and submitting to them can be distressing for the woman but even if not, disturbs her from her concentration and forces her to engage with a procedure and move position from one she has presumably chosen for it's effectiveness and relative comfort.

Dunno.
They never bothered me, but then I only had 2 with ds1 and 2 with ds2.

My midwife and my obstetrician said they were not a necessity.

But....you are giving birth!
Sorry, but I don't understand why you would have an issue with examinations.

Really? Do you lack an imagination or enough life experience to understand why someone might have a problem with intimate examinations, a lack of trust in medical staff or issues with the body in general not necessarily just the rude bits?

Are you really that naive about life or just being rude and insensitive for the sake of being rude and insensitive?

Is what you are saying effectively that there some women, who should therefore not have children, because they have certain concerns or worries? You imply they are pathetic. Which is just what someone who is worried by these thing really needs. Someone belittling their fears and issues and making them feel as if they can't express these concerns. You know put up and shut up. Be a good little girlie. Do you have ANY idea what you actually said with those two tiny sentences?

Should women not care about their dignity when giving birth "because its natural"? Or cos "medical staff have seen it all before" or some such other nonsense that spectacularly misses the point. Or because they simply don't count any more as its only the baby that matters.

There are far too many women, who just accept all this and don't question why things are being done to them - which aren't necessary a lot of the time and are for convenience of staff and box ticking rather than welfare of the woman concerned. And we all should be questioning this more and demanding more dignity, respect and being treated like individuals rather than pieces of meat. And truthfully, unless you treat women as important and not a secondary thing to their baby, the baby ultimately end up suffering because what effects the mother by its very nature has an impact on the baby anyway too.

Otherwise, by you logic, we shouldn't be complaining if we have to give birth in full view of a ward full of other women with no privacy what so ever. Its natural, we are all the same, we are all women. You know not dislike a field full of cows.

Personally I'd like to put the human element into the process.

I was very glad or the one I had with ds1 when I came back into the hospital after being sent home and told to take paracetamol for the pain...showed I was actually 6 cms dilated!
I really don't buy that MW can "tell" how far along you are by their experience at all, sorry.

Dignity?
Ffs, I am glad that I am not so bothered by my own "dignity" that I would refuse possibly urgent examinations!
My birth experience with ds1 was horrific for many reasons (many of which star is aware of) but for me they happened ante natally, and not in labour.
Some MWs are rubbish, some nurses are shit, ditto hvs.
Believe me, I don't have to use my imagination to think of bad birth experiences, thanks.

I would say - let yourself be afraid. (probably not helpful). I spent so long in labour telling myself not to be afraid, not to make a fool of myself in front of the midwife etc.... why?? it's a major experience, though frequently VERY positive; you are ALLOWED TO BE AFRAID. Embrace your fear, recognise your bravery in going forward, and ask for what you want.

It's really classic at this time IMO to suddenly have a 'Oh shit, this is real' moment. I remember someone talking to me at the time who clearly intended to be very encouraging (probably like me in this post) but frankly whatever she said at that time, I'd have been terrified! Women giving birth do have to be brave and will experience fear IMO. That is normal and shows you are a real woman who is going to surprise herself. Ask for the help you need. Raise the questions you need to ask. Stop worrying about the midwife's opinion of you. You are a vulnerable yet brave human being at the beginning of a great adventure.

Perhaps you would like to reconsider what you said, and why some women would have very good reason to be bothered by an examination. Or why they would be quite justifably be bothered without a good reason.

And just be a bit more sensitive...

Ta.

I actually advised the op to keep an open mind iirc.
What is so wrong with that red??
Birth cannot always be planned or go without a hitch, sadly. Far too many women IMO go into the labour suite with a certain idea of how things "should" be and then feel very upset/depressed/a failure when it doesn't happen. A go with the flow attitude really really helped me cope with both the fear and pain.
I am sorry that me not caring who saw my vagina whilst I was in labour bothers you so much.

I know what you mean red.
And I am one if those women, ok?

I refused all examinations. I seem to remember 'no fucking way' were my exact words. I think it is completely reasonable for any woman to refuse to have someone's hand up her especially as the majority of VEs in labour are unnecessary and can be counterproductive. Knowing how dilated you are is not an indicator of how long it's going to take because dilation happens at vastly different speeds for different women.

I had similar feelings to you OP. the things that helped me, and in the end made me go into labour relaxed and confident were-

My IM. She was wonderful and I trusted her judgement.

The fact I was at home.

The natal hypnotherapy CDs (got them cheap from eBay)

Knowing that it was my labour and I was going to do it as I wished. Of course I would have listened if my midwife had any concerns at any stage, but at the same time I was not going to be frightened into any interventions without very very good reason. I was 11 days overdue and had no intention of being induced. I did not have a sweep. I did not charge around trying to encourage him out. I just relaxed a lot and waited and it all worked out fine. Not meaning to sound smug, just that I don't think a lot of women realise they have the right to do things their own way, and I've heard so many friends say 'I wasn't allowed to do' this or that, or 'they made me lie on my back' etc.

Well said Redtoothbrush. Badvoc, I'm sure you don't mean to be unkind but can't you see that you are belittling the OPs original concerns? Just because you're ok with it, doesn't mean someone else is.

How is it belittling to advise op to keep an open mind!?
Ok, won't post anymore, but the idea that advising someone to keep an open mind in labour is unkind mystifies me.

Ok.
Examinations can save lives.
But obv that is not something that people on this thread want to talk about, so I will say no more.

Hi brave, I felt very similarly about my labours and births. I would recommend pg yoga, it's not too late. I found it helps with preparation, approaching birth feeling calmer and more in control. Books - yes to Ina may gaskin and also juju sundin's birth skills , both helped to prepare me for labour and have confidence in my body. Lastly, I listened to a natal hypnotherapy cd, which I didn't think would do much but on the day really did help.

Ironically, I spent the pg worrying about VEs but in the end actually asked for one because I wanted to get in the birthing pool and their policy is to wait til you're 4 cm dilated. I was sure I must be but they wanted to wait because if I wasn't 4 cm then the docs would step in with interventions (as Ds's heartrate was high) and the mw knew I didn't want that. I ended up missing out on the pool because of that. But the labour and birthwere brilliant. I won't pretend being stitched up was fun , but I was holding my baby by then so I was past caring. Also the mws were so kind, it wasn't such an intrusion, iykwim.

Brave, your name is familiar, were you on the mosh pit ttc thread?

I have thought about that very issue Badvoc, which is why I had lots of help overcoming my fear in order to have a smear test. But VE are not necessary in a routine labour, so you can plan not to have them. As Starlight said earlier, they just tell a midwife how far along you are. A skilled midwife can gain this information in other ways.

Not understanding why someone would have an issue with examinations, pregnant or no, shows a spectacular lack of imagination. I know exactly why I have a problem with it.

Just wanted to add, that I wasn't keen on VEs, but if I hadn't had one then no-one would have realised that DS was footling breech. I had been told repeatedly by several different MWs that his head was engaged, but on VE there was a foot just above my cervix. I ended up with an emergency CS as delivery of a footling breech baby is risky. So I personally wouldn't advise refusing. I do understand why someone would be reluctant, but they are performed for a reason.

Thats not what anyone said. Its the fact that its something you should just tolerate without question thats the issue. And the fact that its perfectly acceptable to be worried about examinations. Not that they don't save lives.

Its the fact that you were simply insensitive thats the issue. Perhaps you'd like to offer some advice on how to deal with them, rather than just saying 'deal with it you pathetic self woman', in the manner you did.

I think I have a very good reason for having an issue with VE actually.
But at the time - ie in labour - my only concern was for my child.
And as for MWs knowing in other ways how far you are in labour....I'm afraid that hasn't been my experience!
(See above)

As for open minded. When someone goes on about that, whilst at the same time saying "I can't understand" or "I really don't buy", well... that says a lot about what you consider open mindedness to be.

You don't force your opinion on others whilst expecting them to be open minded to yours. It would be nice if you could also consider and respect some other voices on this thread too as they might have elements of value too.

'Ironically, I spent the pg worrying about VEs but in the end actually asked for one because I wanted to get in the birthing pool and their policy is to wait til you're 4 cm dilated'

Which is precisely why I didn't want them. I knew when I wanted to get in the pool and that had absolutely no bearing on how many cm dilated I was.

I spend my first labour begging for an epidural and being refused due to the fact I wasn't in active labour coz I wasn't even 3cm. It was barbaric.

All future birth plans stated clearly that I was in active labour when I said I was.

I also learnt how to identify the position of the baby so knew they weren't breech. This is after no. being undx back to back. I had no longer any trust in the midwives for the routine stuff and trusted myself more.