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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Bringing DD to hospital day of c-section - your thoughts??

141 replies

Mummy252 · 03/05/2013 15:47

Ok, so dd is 21 months and I'm due for an elective c-section( after very bad birth with her) in 2 weeks!!
To be fair dd and I may have some attachment issues, we literally spend every waking and sleeping for that matter moment together. She doesn't go to nursery and is with me 24/7, we tried nursery but both of us hated it.

Anyway, I'm dreading being away from her overnight as I genuinely don't remember anyone else ever putting her to sleep/ getting her up etc and I know she will be very confused.
My mum is coming over in the morning as we leave very early for hospital so dd will wake up with her. I know there's 3 of us booked in that day and they usually only book 2 so no idea when I will actually go down to theatre.
My question is could dd come to the hospital with us? With my mum of course? Then we can be together and wake up together etc until its time to go to theatre? I want her to come see me and her baby brother after the birth anyway?
Just wondering how others played it with their little ones when they went in?

OP posts:

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Original poster

Mummy252 · 03/05/2013 21:02

Thanks to those who have offered support. Particually those who obviously understand dementia. My mum cannot stay over, as I said at the minute my dad is in a bad spell which can mean anything upto and including violent outbursts, when he's good my dd can sit on his knee and talk to him. Mum gets help 1 day a week so she can go shopping/have some time off- 6 hours. Perhaps I learned my attitude from her! I certainly will not add to her burden.
When dd gets to 3 I plan on sending her for mornings to nursery as prep for school, we do a different club every day except Sunday, so she is used to adults, just not at night, as I have reiterated.
It's very hard for dd and dh to do routines like bedtime etc as he is only ever here for 14 nights at a time and then away for 6 weeks. That's his job and its not going to change, I've already said that too!

Because of these factors I am my daughters constant. Grandma comes and goes because she has other responsibilities, and when we see her or daddy it is on their "down time" so they are relaxing and doing fun things not taking over my role and doing another job!
I'm sure there are thousands of single moms etc who are in similar situations.
I hope all the ppl who have suggested getting dd used to dh and my mum can read this and perhaps understand that they just aren't here, not because I wouldn't or they wouldn't want to be but because sometimes that's life!!
I posted as I was trying to figure out the best way to get dd over the initial 2days, given OUR situation. I'm sure dh would love to be at home more but that's his career.

OP posts:

Lulabellarama · 03/05/2013 21:10

But he's at home for 2 weeks at a time! Why doesn't he ever put her to bed?

scottishmummy · 03/05/2013 21:11

can you hire a maternity nurse for first few weeks?
adjust your expectations dd won't get 100%, it will change dynamic
but the positive is kids accomodate,and they adjust.shell be a great wee sister

Frawli · 03/05/2013 21:12

I think your DD would be so bored at the hospital and if you're in a ward with anybody else it would just be a nightmare for them and you. How are you proposing you'll keep her entertained? What if they take you up without much warning, wouldn't that stress her out? It would be much better for her not to be there, she will have a fun day without you and then the promise of a new sibling which will be exciting for her.

Also, bear in mind if she knew you were there when your DH was putting her to bed then she was more likely to play up.

I know exactly the guilt you are feeling, I had 2 children by section and my older one was 26 months when the second was born. I felt like I'd abandoned him when I went into hospital but he was fine, I felt it more than him. Also, if your DD is very reliant on you it will be good for her to have some special time with her dad and grandmother.

Original poster

Mummy252 · 03/05/2013 21:18

Dh just never did the bedtime/bath time thing. He works 12 hours a day 7 days a week when he's away so when he comes home he chills out. We go out a lot in the day and see his family a lot more etc but at night he does chill out. I do dinner and put dd to bed/ bath etc.
I guess we just never really thought about it. He never does housework it anything when he comes home either, I would never expect him to.
I guess I just kind of assume my "job" is a lot easier than his so why would I make him do all the housey stuff when he's having his break? Even before dd when I worked FT I still did everything including when he came home.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 03/05/2013 21:19

Very sad to see kids who would rather be at school than at home
You have a very unhealthy attachment to your daughter, op.
You've had months to get her used to not being with you 24/7, and you thought you could avoid addressing it by taking her to hospital with you...

scottishmummy · 03/05/2013 21:21

hospital isn't a conducive environment for child.ok visit but not too long
involve dd in buy new baby present,big up the big sister aspect
your body hasn't failed ou,it's produced two children that's magnificent

Lulabellarama · 03/05/2013 21:23

Well if you're happy with that arrangement then fair enough. But I think it's sad that he's never wanted to be more hands on, even if it is his 'downtime'

scottishmummy · 03/05/2013 21:24

your dh is like a lodger,he has no responsibilities expected despite being dad and husband?
yes he works,but you need to assign him parental tasks,to be involved when present
you write it like a ingle mum,it's all you and dd and he's on periphery not asked to do anything

chocspread · 03/05/2013 21:27

What a lovely lovely post by 1944girl at 8.30 pm.

OP I have no family other than DP but he is involved.

But if it helps I did the following with DS1 before DS2 was born. I realise not all relevant as DS1 was 3.

I spoke lots about the baby in my tummy involved DS1, and told DS1 how precious and fun babies came be.

Made sure I spent time apart (paid for childcare).

So prior to DS2 I also ensured that some days (not nights) I was not with DS1.

Before the baby was born I did some special outings just me and DS1.

Took photos and made books of these which i would bring out with the baby.

If it helps I was in hospital for a week - it was very hard for DS1 to go home at night and my DH said he would cry at night and in the morning and was really worried about me in hospital.

However, in a way when I did come home with the baby DS1 was so incredibly happy I was ok and back at home that he has been wonderful with the baby too.

LunaticFringe · 03/05/2013 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 03/05/2013 21:31

if you're solvent get a maternity nurse, hire some help

RubyrooUK · 03/05/2013 21:39

Okay, I see now that your mum cannot offer more support, Mummy. I didn't appreciate that before.

But my DH also works away a lot, but it doesn't mean he doesn't do bath/bedtimes when he is here. He wants to because he misses his children so badly, regardless of how much he has worked while away. So I do think it would be worthwhile your DH doing some more of the family work when he is home - then he gets to enjoy an even closer relationship with your DD.

Anyway, I very much hope you have a great recovery and your DD enjoys her baby brother. My DS1 loves DS2, which is a great source of joy. And actually he doesn't mind not being 100% centre of attention anymore as he too loves the baby.

LtGreggs · 03/05/2013 21:43

The thing is, you can't stay 100% in control of always being physically present for you DD. If it's not the new baby, there will be something else that happens some day. You get appendicitis, you parents have a crisis and need help, whatever.

You do need to build that safety net - of practical help options and of emotional resilience. It's not a sign of weakness to do that, but a part of good parenting.

You mentioned DHs family - is there anyone there who can help? What about a mothers help or au-pair or local student??

scottishmummy · 03/05/2013 21:56

why have you indulged dh in special downtime,you do everything
no one asking him compromise career,just to be available active parent
you need to break the circle of two,not be so insular with your dd.enjoy your expanded family

Iggi101 · 03/05/2013 22:11

Your housework arrangements are alarming me even more than your childcare ones. Why would anyone in this century think that was ok?

MrsTomHardy · 03/05/2013 22:19

This whole thread is just weird!

pizzaqueen · 03/05/2013 22:20

Iggi101 I guess if the OP is happy with this arrangement then that's up to her personally couldn't imagine anything worse

She seems to indulge the fact she does it all and DH couldn't possibly lift a finger at home as he works so hard he deserves his downtime, dismissing the fact she does it all 24/7 365 days a year, where's her downtime?

scottishmummy · 03/05/2013 22:25

will your dh take mat leave?

scottishmummy · 03/05/2013 22:27

gah,pat leave will your dh take pat leave

Original poster

Mummy252 · 03/05/2013 22:30

I guess I just appreciate the fact my hubby works his ass off so I can stay at home n be withy kids which is a huge luxury afforded to very few in this day and age.
I grew up with my mum at home and can't say I like the idea of leaving my kids to be looked after by poorly educated and poorly qualified nursery nurses with ratios like 6-1.

OP posts:

flamingtoaster · 03/05/2013 22:31

My DS was 2 years 2 months old when DD was born by planned c-section. I went into the hospital the night before (DS was with DH). DS had never been away from me either so I know how you are feeling. On the morning of the c-section DS was left with my friend while DH came to the hospital to be with me. I had the c-section and DH went off to collect DS. They had lunch and then came to see me - children were allowed into the ward. I had a present for him from DD - he trotted in, looked into the crib, said "Hello, baby" and then played with his new car with the male midwife. I was in for five days. One thing I would urge you to do is ask DD to look after something for you at home. By the third day DS wouldn't speak to me - I realized he thought I wasn't coming home so I asked him could he please be sure to look after my furry slippers and to have them right inside the front door for when I came home. He perked up considerably after that. Your DD will be fine - you can always speak to her on the telephone if for any reason she can't visit you on the actual day. She - and you - will be fine.

Original poster

Mummy252 · 03/05/2013 22:34

The hospital has worked with us to ensure hubby's 2 weeks will run over the csection. The work he does means if he wasn't back on the 31st then someone else would have to cover that 6 week block, so he would not be as to rotate back in for 8 weeks. He will be off for 2 weeks but will have to go back after that

OP posts:

Lulabellarama · 03/05/2013 22:46

Ok, now you're just sounding like a bit of an arse.
Best of luck

scottishmummy · 03/05/2013 22:54

I presume him working arse off=solvent?in that case buy some help

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