Bringing DD to hospital day of c-section - your thoughts??

[Mummy252]

Ok, so dd is 21 months and I'm due for an elective c-section( after very bad birth with her) in 2 weeks!!
To be fair dd and I may have some attachment issues, we literally spend every waking and sleeping for that matter moment together. She doesn't go to nursery and is with me 24/7, we tried nursery but both of us hated it.

Anyway, I'm dreading being away from her overnight as I genuinely don't remember anyone else ever putting her to sleep/ getting her up etc and I know she will be very confused.
My mum is coming over in the morning as we leave very early for hospital so dd will wake up with her. I know there's 3 of us booked in that day and they usually only book 2 so no idea when I will actually go down to theatre.
My question is could dd come to the hospital with us? With my mum of course? Then we can be together and wake up together etc until its time to go to theatre? I want her to come see me and her baby brother after the birth anyway?
Just wondering how others played it with their little ones when they went in?

Mummy, I posted on your other thread about your worries about leaving your DD while in hospital.

I would reconsider how much you involve your DD in your birth. My elder son is 2.5 and I had a c-section seven weeks ago.

1. On the day of the birth, you cannot move around at all. It is quite hard to hold a baby due to the spinal, let alone hug or hold a toddler. My elder son would have found it incredibly cruel and upsetting to see me without being able to get a proper hug.

1. DS came to see me the day after my section (when I was discharged). He found it very unsettling to see me stiff and in pain and in a hospital environment.

1. DS was there when the midwives came to do a check on the new baby. This caused the baby to scream and DS got incredibly upset and scared that the baby was being hurt.

In retrospect, I wish he had not visited. I was thinking of me and how much I wanted to see my gorgeous DS1 and not how unsettling it would be for him to see me in that way. He would have been happier in his own environment.

As I said on the other thread, you need your DH and mum to keep practising settling your DD. Then you can concentrate on your recovery and new DS without concern.

Your DH has only had one try at settling a toddler who has only had their mum at bedtime - of course there were tears! Have you doing it jointly for a few nights, then when she is used to that, you pop to the toilet and DH is left there. Her crying isn't acute distress if she is close to your DH, it's confusion about why things aren't operating as usual. So make it usual for her and then everyone will find it less stressful.

Good luck.

The written advice from my hospital 3 months ago was 6 weeks for driving and the insurers made me go to the GP for sign-off if I wanted to drive sooner.

Please listen to Rubyroo. She has just been through it. Somehow I dont think you will though.

My last section didn't heal quite right and took 3 months in the end
I hope OP has got some time off arranged from caring from nephew too.
I think of course a wee girl that age should be attached to her mum. I don't think anyone is saying no to that. But, she also needs to be attached to some others too.
I do think the OP is maybe confusing attention with love - having a second child shouldn't alter the love for dc1, but will alter the attention!

OP - I'm sure there are some practical ways that you can help your DD prepare for the time away from you. At 21 months, she can understand a lot (she'll understand more than she can express verbally)

• Talk to her about the kind of things that will happen, and rehearse scenarios. There's a good book (I think by child's play?) that has the story of a new baby coming in pictures but no words - so you can talk around your situation as you look at the pictures.

• Help her (and you) to practise for emotional resilience. Tell her that it's ok to miss mummy - mummy will also miss you. You can be sad about something AND be OK having a nice time with granny at the same time. That we all have to do things that aren't our top choice sometimes. etc. Let her hear you praise her (or others) for coping well when something non-optimal has happened. Tell her how lucky she is that so many people love her and care about her (mummy and granny and daddy and nephew and xyz)

• she might be old enough to start talking about family 'emergency plans'. My DS1 is a real worrier and it calms him to know that we've got some family ideas for coping in case the sky falls in. Just stuff like 'if we needed help, we could ask neighbour x, just like that time that their DS was poorly and we looked after their DD' etc

I think it's time to put some practical groundwork in place. Also just in case it does turn in to several nights away. This will also serve you well as a just-in-case for whatever unforeseen family emergency might happen in the future.

It would be a bit unfair on your dd to be hanging around the hospital for such a long time wouldnt it? Its not really a place for such a little girl, I can imagine it could even be a little scary for her. I would hand her over to your DM and concentrate on yourself and the new baby then your DD can visit when you can give her real attention.

I think your thinking in extremes tbh, it doesnt have to be away from Mummy bad, 24/7 with Mummy good. As parents our job is to teach little steps of indepence as they grow. I know its hard but once you start letting go a little you`ll soon see the benefits for you both. Its sad that her Daddy cant put her to bed as that helps build a special relationship between the two.

Have you asked yourself honestly whether your keeping your dd with you at all times is for her benefit or yours?

Hi OP, I had my 2nd DC by elcs last year. I agree with others who have said don't plan on a visit from dd that same day.

My dd came in for a visit the next day and it was fine but she was upset when she had to leave and I was staying- your dd will probably be happier at home with your mum than popping in and out of the hospital, having to say multiple goodbyes.

You do sound a bit unrealistic, it all might go as you hope but it may not. I agree with the poster who said you need to think a little more about yourself and the new baby in this. Good luck!

Have a read of this article: www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/woman/real_life/4844455/i-love-my-daughter-more-than-my-other-kids.html and tell me if you think this relationship is healthy. I don't want to be harsh, but I think you are in that lovely bubble of a relationship with your PFB, and I worry that this is where you are headed.

your dd will miss out she won't be your immediate priority,baby will
tbh,you come across too rigid and fixed bout all this.try ease up a bit.big bit!
your dd cannot be velcroed to you 24-7,do get her stay at gp.andoing to nursery for free hours

I am quite similar to you in some ways op in that I'm stubborn and determined. I've had two emcs and was discharged 12hrs after the first one and 32hrs after the second one.

When my ds (my youngest) was born, I probably experienced a lot of what you're feeling now. I was torn about leaving dd (emcs was a definite possibility, if not the likely outcome) and as a fairly attachment orientated kind of parent, I hadn't been away from dd at all. When I found out I was pregnant, I did start slowly introducing dd to the idea of being put to bed by grandma, grandad and/or daddy so that when her brother was born, there wasn't too much new stuff going on. By the time I'd been in labour for 3 days and knew that an emcs was the only option left, I had no worries about leaving dd though I knew I was going to desperately miss her. I had put in the groundwork first though. It was my job to leave my firstborn as prepared as possible for what was coming.

I asked for dd to be brought to me as soon as I was back on the ward. She met her brother when he was about 70 minutes old. I had the feeling back in my legs by then and was able to have dd up on the bed for a cuddle and a story, we chatted and we talked about her new brother. She stayed for an hour or so and then dh took her home. I was up and about an hour later, caring for ds alone. I'm very fortunate that I don't have any pain following cs and am up and mobile v quickly, discharged promptly and able to get on with things. I stress, this is luck.

DH could only afford a week's leave and he lost 3 days to my labour. So when ds was 4 days old, he went back to work and I had a school run to do which was 2 miles on foot and 2 miles on a bus with a 4yo and a baby in a sling. I was 4 days post op and had no choice but to get on with it. I was determined and capable and no doubt plenty of people were horrified but it was just the way things had to be.

But and it is a big BUT, it is not remotely possible to give your eldest 100% of your attention at all times. She will have to wait sometimes. It might only take a poonami of a nappy where your ds has got it up to his neck and down to his toes and is trying to stick his hand in it and eat it and at the same time your dd is sobbing because she can't reach something/do something/has pooed/is wet/has banged her leg. And you will have to prioritise the baby. Or when ds was about 19 weeks old he had a cold and he got slowly worse and worse and then suddenly got much worse at the point that I was supposed to be collecting dd. I had to send anybody available to collect dd as I took ds to A&E where he was admitted into a high dependency unit with double pneumonia. I had no choice but to go with my poorly ds and dd had to deal with me not being there. It's life and it happens and as a parent you prioritise the most vulnerable member of the family. If that is the baby, then your dd will have to wait.

You know what though, it's fine. It's a good lesson. For both dc. That sometimes their needs are paramount and sometimes they have to be patient. Just don't set yourself unrealistic goals of never having to leave your eldest waiting. You're having another baby now and that boy also deserves a parent who can respond to his developing needs instead of conforming to rigid boundaries which aren't realistic. You'll make yourself feel guilty and like you're failing. Just go into it with an open and positive mind. Not chasing the impossible.

some time at gp is ok.and look into free nursery at 3yo.
she won't get your 100% attention, if you can afford it book a mums help
and dont put self on punishing schedule.look at softplay she can play you be with baby

I think that, at 21 months, your DD ought to be able to manage with either her father or a grandparent for a few days.

Yes, I wanted to say something along the lines of quoteunquote - use your last couple of weeks of preparation time to do some serious preparation for DD regarding getting used to over-nights with your DM and DH. At least have granny to stay before the big event, and let DH do the bedtime routine in the evening

I had a C-section at around 2pm. My parents brought my 3-year old in at around 6pm for a short visit - they stayed half an hour or so. I was really glad to be able to see him on the day. I can understand your feelings, I had something similar, in that part of me felt that I was letting him down by not being there for him, not putting him to bed etc. But he was absolutely fine with my parents, and since his little brother came along I actually think the family dynamic has improved. It used to be very much DS1 and me as a little team, and I think DH sometimes felt a bit on the periphery. Once DS2 came along, DS1 naturally had to turn more to DH and spend more time with him, and their relationship is so much better as a result. We are now a unit, a team, no-one is on the outside. I still do the majority of putting to bed (and getting up in the night), but things have definitely balanced out. It will feel hard at first that you can't give your DD the one-to-one attention she has been used to, but soon she won't remember what life was like before she had a baby brother! I know some other posters said not to have her with you the day of the section at all, but I would play it by ear if I were you. If you're feeling up to seeing her afterwards, it will probably make you and her feel better, but bear in mind that you might only be up to a short visit. Good luck.

softplay is for kids,that's the point.and she'll get free nursery at 3yo.mere 15mth time
with baby and toddler soft play is a great resource.of course
use free nursery, attend groups,expand your dd experience of other adults

I cannot decide if you are bonkers or brilliant OP. But I think trial runs with Grandma would be helpful for your daughter.

We have no family near and my DS1 was very close to me so on the run up to the birth of my next child I did ensure he wasn't thrown into an unknown but something he had experienced before ( and he was just fine).

op it's a potential rest for you that granny can have DD for few hours
in times dh is available what will for you?
and congratulations when new baby arrives,go with flow a bit

have you read bit were op said dd can spend few hours at gp?as has happend
nursery is option now,and is free at 3.encourage dd socialise with others
softplay for wee girl to play,whilst my with new baby.great for mum and dd

It's lovely that she does whatever you do, but small children change a lot. You will start getting the meltdowns and stubbornness soon enough and it will be tough going. I think you need to realise that not everything is within your control, and that that's ok.