You've name changed too haven't you, working. I have a fairly good idea who you were. I did wonder, if it was you. I hope things are getting better as I know what a state you were in at the time.
I've actually got an appointment booked with the GP for Friday. Which I'm trying to prepare for atm. I've got to sit down and talk to my DH about it all properly later today. We've been talking about it for a while, but for various other reasons its not been top priority (DH's job had a job that was going to take him out of the country for sometime and we didn't want to seriously start doing anything until that was over, as frankly I need the support).
I actually saw the GP in October. Long story involving side effects of mini-pill.
Naturally my general anxiety over doctors came out in the process too. She went on and on about 'building up trust', 'taking it seriously', 'building up a relationship' etc etc and said she would refer me for counselling over it. She went on about the counsellor being someone who "wouldn't be someone wearing a white coat" in the most patronising way imaginable and I did challenge her on this as I got more and more upset and distressed over her not listening and just assuming what my fear is about.
And guess what. I've heard absolutely bugger all since. I've no idea if its because the waiting list is so long, or because she didn't fucking bother to refer me, or because the system doesn't tell you if your referral is rejected.
So I feel very let down, betrayed and frankly lied to already. This isn't exactly helping and in fact is doing exactly the opposite by helping to reinforce my feelings and other previous experiences. I already feel like they don't have a clue what to do with me, or how to deal with anyone like me.
As it stands, finding the strength to have an ELCS would still be an enormous achievement for me given my personal circumstances. Which is one reason why I want to have it all sorted and agreed before TTC.
If then, by some miraculous thunder bolt hits me (which I sincerely doubt will) I have the knowledge that I'm free to change my mind without pressure. But I need the pressure removed and not to have to deal with a fight to be able to do that. The more I am pressured, the more I simply am alienated from anything anyone says to me, and I'm fully aware of this. I need breathing room, I feel happy with and on my terms.
I have confidence that, with the right support, I could over come things enough to have an ELCS - but given how deep seated this is, and what it is related to at its very heart, I'm realistic that miracle working isn't likely to happen. Not with the time I have left to deal with this. I can hear the ticking clock in the background.
I genuinely need supportive health care professionals to help me achieve that not judge me. Not put words in my mouth. And not reinforce pretty much everything I've already experienced and feel. I do feel that all these conflicting agendas out there, which I am only too aware of, have anything but MY best interests at heart and no one really wants to listen to me and help me. Truthfully I do think everything is set up against me, quite sadly.
I do not feel for one single second that I am alone in this. Or that others don't have different, but similar enough problems.
It has to change.