First time mum. Fed up of being told how awful it will be and hoping I'm not being overly optimistic.

[GingerDoodle]

We're expecting out first at the beginning of October. I will be honest, i've had a bit of a point to prove from the start as my best friend helpfully informed me I would become boring and no longer myself as soon as I got pregnant.

Overall i've been lucky and felt pretty good with pregnancy so far (minus horrid sickness and my current carpal tunnel) and as such have more or less carried on as normal with nights out, parties, life etc. I've cheerful smiled through the more or less constant lectures from some friends that I should take it easy, should not do x, that I won't be able to keep it up etc.

But now the doubts are starting to creep in about after the birth. Obviously its going to be a huge huge change when baby arrives. Obviously i'll be tired, emotional and possibly (probably) physically sore. But why does everyone feel the need to laugh / sneer at the suggestion that given a few weeks I won't be feeling like the world is ending? At the beginning of November there's a party I throw every year, I have no intention of cancelling - its my dh's birthday party, its at home, my folks and friends will be on hand to help and I'm planning on starting in the afternoon anyway. But everyone seems to think I am insane?

Am I?

6 weeks is the nhs suggested guidelines for driving and cs but if you feel fine, can perform emergency stop and doctor and insurance company pass you, then you can drive when you want post cs. I know i'd prob in the minority and of course see how you feel but it really isn't the end of life etc etc. If you want to have the party then go for it. You'll cope! :-)

Ginger I like your attitude. It's good to have the view that a child will add to my life not change it. Get the party organised and worse case scenario someone else hosts it at the last minute and you're a guest or you cancel. What are people going to say, no you must hold the party with newborn in tow?

We did and still do lots since dd arrived this time last year and the only difference is she's part of it. We did loads in the first 6 weeks as I had dd at the start of the 6 weeks holidays (DP a teacher) so we just had lots of day trips and nice lunches out etc. some of my happiest memories as a family. Like others have said, you just be sensible. We had lazy days too when I caught up on sleep and stayed in pjs.

Breastfeeding made life easier for us (on tap and right temp!) as did buying a wrap sling for going out and about and dd wanting to be held not put down.

Things do change- I have changed as I'm now a mum and have an overwhelming sense of protection for my daughter which I've never felt before (I cried the first time I went in the car on my own when she was 7 days old as I struggled getting her in the carseat). I now also let the small things go over my head and have stopped being involved in the 'drama' amongst some non-mummy friends. You do have a different outlook but it is a good one!

As for you best friend, let her tell you the lows and ask her if she enjoys being a mum as she's always so negative...

All the best

Really? 'Do you enjoy being a mum as you're always so negative?

I'd wager most women go into it with a rosy eyed positive view of a baby adding vs changing and for some women luck and circumstance will grant them that in reality, for others not. No one can tell ahead of delivery. Realism and negativity ain't the same thing. Realistically you can't predict how you'll be, that's all.

Honestly how you find it will be more down to luck and circumstance than attitude.

This is something I am experiencing currently. Old timers desire to terrify the living daylights out of new mums is really bad IMHO. Yes they may well be being realistic, yes they may be right. But what is more conducive to having an easy birth - being relaxed or being terrified?

I think it's so unfair how some people seem to revel in sharing the gory details of birth etc with new mums, when really, what people seem to forget is if it was so bad - how come the human race still exists?

My midwife sat there are told us quietly, that the pain isn't insurmountable, it comes in waves, designed for you to be ABLE to get through it :) the one/two/three time mums delight in saying how wrong she is (lol) and how awful CB is!!

As for afterwards, surely your position on how hard/difficult it is entirely depends on how hard/difficult your life is? And of course a sprinkling of luck! My life is fairly full on anyway, adding something else to the mix isn't something I'm dreading. However if I was the sat at home, watching eastenders every night type - I'd probably find having a new baby HUGELY difficult!

Why would being the "sat at home, watching eastenders every night type" make having a baby in your life more difficult? . Sitting in and doing nothing is probably the easiest thing to continue when a baby shows up, no matter what the birth was like/how they are feeding etc.

The negative comments given by some people aren't pleasant but I'd say ignore them, some other people are just trying to help you be realistic. I am a sociable etc person but could not have held a party when my daughter was that age. I had a great birth and recovered well but she had a tongue tie that hadnt yet been fixed so she was either crying or feeding, and I found this really stressful and felt that everyone was watching and judging me (which they weren't). Just tell people you're playing it by ear, as the time is so special if you are really that bothered that anyone will think you're boring. I really wouldn't care if someone were to think that though tbh!

Sorry I mean I have a very demanding life, with night feeds for lambs etc I'm totally used to no sleep and a full demanding day. I'd think it's less of a shock to the system to me because I'm used to being VERY active and VERY tired. Some people have never had to be up every 3hours feeding anything before!

Not many people can say that on zero sleep after feeding they need to move hay/put sheep on their backs to trim feet etc :) I'd love it if all I had to do was the housework :D

That's interesting JenJen, I wonder how it will be, you should report back when you know. I'd be really interested to know if that translates into being good preparation for a baby, I mean that genuinely. I can't really put my finger on what it was that made having my first child so overwhelming. It wasn't really the sleep deprivation (never found it torturous personally even with a tiny insomniac in the house!) and it certainly wasn't any of the practicalities. I'd worked my whole life with babies and small children and assumed that would have helped and I suppose it meant I knew how to do a nappy and sort out a sleepsuit but otherwise it really didn't prepare me as I had envisaged it would. I didn't have a great birth or a wonderful recovery, but it wasn't that either. I think it was more the shift from having dh and I at the centre of my universe to having this tiny helpless little being mean more to me than anything, accompanied by the instant and terrible knowledge that I couldn't possibly control all the things that might affect or harm him. It really was seismic and those first few weeks just felt completely unreal, like I'd stepped into someone else's life that appeared superficially like my own. It was sublime in the old-fashioned sense of the word - totally overpowering, amazing and terrifying all at once, an incredible experience.

Baby no.2 is 6 weeks and you'd hardly know he was here even though he cries, poos and feeds just as much as his brother ever did, maybe even more and of course now there's a toddler swinging out of me and demanding trips to the park and all of that in and amongst the rest of life. I'm just used to being a mother I think... but I would love to know if anyone really felt their previous life in terms of occupation etc did prepare them or if it is more about the identity shift.

I felt an array of feelings after I had my baby that I would never in my wildest dreams have imagined in my blissful state of pregnancy: boredom, despair, loneliness, depression, desperation, feeling utterly broken... If you are prepared and supported then you will manage fine.
My babies all slept pretty much all day for the first 2weeks then 'woke up' and were very grizzly, clingy and grumpy. With ds1 I literally couldn't get anything done without him on one arm or in a sling.
I prepared so well for every day of my pregnancy, and for myself the first few weeks post natal but it was still a huge shock to the system to be looking after a newborn baby every minute of every day (ebf).

JenJen - I don't really think that having a demanding life before you have a baby is a great indicator of how well you will, or won't, respond to life with a new baby.

I'm sure you didn't intend it, but comments about women who sit around watching eastenders or who have nothing to do but housework come across as dismissive and a bit snooty. FWIW, as a busy high achiever well used to stress and lack of sleep, I found having to sit around and breastfeed a newborn really bloody hard. he fed nearly constantly. Much more often than every 3 hours, day and night. For weeks and weeks. The inactivity and not being able to get on with things was really stressful, until I lowered my expectations.

The arrival of a new baby is to do with so much more than just coping practically. It's about having a new role, a new relationship - dealing with your partner's reactions, and how that relationship changes. If nothing else, it's the difference between theory and practical experience. Of course you already know that all being well, your DC will be a lifelong responsibility. FEELING that as a reality is just something else.

I am not a doom monger. I got annoyed by people telling me how awful life with a newborn could be before I gave birth. I was quite relieved once I'd had my baby that other people seemed to find it a shocking upheaval too.

If you are on a farm and a rural location, one thing I would do now is try and work out if you can get to a mother and baby group anywhere. It doesn't matter if you think it will be full of people who just sit around and watch East enders - finding people who are going through what you go through at the same time is really a godsend. Being isolated makes things so much worse.

I really do think the best thing mums-to-be can do is give themselves permission to feel anything, experience anything, and just generally keep an open mind about what it's going to be like. People's expectations of what they might be like with a baby can so easily become judgements about what they should be like - and then new mums end with feelings of failure etc for absolutely no reason.

Birth and life with a baby might be NOTHING like you expect - but that doesn't mean it has to be a bad experience. Far from it. Just be careful you are not putting pressure on yourself for things to be a certain way, and try and take it as it comes.

Just give yourself a bit of wiggle room about the party, because bear in mind you may not wish to have it but also not tell people all the gory details. Fine to plan, but how about saying 'we hope to have it as usual but we will take things one step at a time with the new baby, so it may be a few weeks later'
Because obviously if baby is late and you have a c-section, easy to say that and cancel. But it might be something else that you don't really want to share as the reason to hold it later. If you have said 'we will hold it unless there is a drastic reason not to' would you really then want to say 'still can't sit very comfortably' or 'still prefer to breastfeed alone and naked on my top half' or something else not really a massive deal but probably not something you want to share.

"*However for those who are interested - 'doing it' involves sending a fb invite out, ordering food and drink in, making a cake and then delegating / directing the rest lol"

Well, that really doesn't sound like a lot now, but honestly when DS was tiny, if I'd managed to brush my teeth by lunchtime, I considered that an achievement! No way could I have organised a party, even if other people were helping. I wouldn't have had the headspace for it.

DS was two weeks late, then the birth was difficult, breastfeeding was a nightmare and I had mild PND. Oh and I bled for 8 weeks. And he cluster-fed in the evening for about 3 hours and then screamed for another 3 hours before finally going to sleep.

It's not fair of being to be all doom and gloom. Your life will not end, but it will change more than you can possibly imagine and you cannot predict a lot of those changes. I really would not plan anything for the first month, possibly longer. If you feel up to doing lots of social things, then great, go for it but if you plan lots of things to "prove" yourself to other people, you might end up feeling like you are letting yourself and others down if all you want to do, or are able to do, is sit on the sofa and feed/cuddle your baby all day and night.

I'd just be opened minded and prepared to cancel if you don't feel up to it. You dont know how you'll feel, you don't know how the delivery will be, you don't know what sort of baby you'll end up with.

Even though you are a busy person and you are used to being up through the night, it's still not quite the same as having a newborn. I have lots if friends who are definitely not the 'eastenders/couch potato' type mums (as you put it) and they still found having a newborn very hard work.

Good luck and hope it all goes well.

fruitybread

I really do think the best thing mums-to-be can do is give themselves permission to feel anything, experience anything, and just generally keep an open mind about what it's going to be like. People's expectations of what they might be like with a baby can so easily become judgements about what they should be like - and then new mums end with feelings of failure etc for absolutely no reason.

You've said this so well. And thank Christ for mumsnet, which normalised all of those unexpected feelings I had.

OP

It's vitally important that you learn to not care about what your best friend thinks about motherhood or marrige. I know it's so hard not to care, deeply, when comments are made, but since your friend isn't married or a parent, her opinion is worth exactly zero. I don't mean this in a nasty divisive way - just it makes no sense for you to be worrying or trying to stay on the same 'line' as you both were on pre-marriage, pre-baby.

I blush violently when I think back to some of the things I thought and maybe discussed with others about my friends' or siblings' parenting style. If I had ever actually tried to give advice or make a direct comment to the parent in question, I think I would never have been able to live it down. I just didn't know any better.

So do bear in mind that it's very possible that one day your friend WILL get married and WILL be a mother. Rest assured that she will feel like a giant numpty when she thinks back to some of the things she said to you at the time. Honestly - she will be crawling with embarrassment. Does that help at all?

You will be grand, but definitely get someone else to host the party.

Agree with lots of the comments here. You will be fine and you will find being a parent amazing, uplifting and wonderful. BUt that may not happen from day 1! Or even day 60 for that matter.

DD2 is due in October, and reading this thread is bringing back all the memories of what I felt when pregnant with DD1 and then after she was born.

My labour wasn't great but to be honest the pain and memory of that passed really quickly. Even though the delivery was laughably nothing like my birth plan, I wasn't bothered by that at all. Physically I think I recovered about the same as most people and didn't feel too bad after a few weeks (save for the odd twinge of SPD which took a few months to go).

The biggest changes I felt though were the tiredness and lack of control over the smallest, silliest things in my life that I used to do without thinking. Like having the time to both make AND drink a cup of tea! Or have a shower or make a sandwich at the time I wanted to. As for the tiredness though, eveyone jokes about it and it is the most cliched thing when people talk about newborns, but I really didn't expect to feel so physically overhwhelmed by it. With the way my labour went I was up for 2 days in a row and then instead of having a tired baby who slept for at least a few hours, DD1 stayed up all of the first night crying, and then continued being a nocturnal crying little bunny for a couple of weeks after that.

But she eventually flipped to doing more sleeping at night than during the day, and we got through it all in one piece. By 12 weeks we were all happily coping with life.

Sorry - that is my very long winded way of saying you sound like you have a great attitude to being a parent and I'm sure you will pull off much of what you want to achieve in your day to day life. Just don't let yourself feel you have failed or let anyone down if things go a bit off-plan for a while (no one apart from you, your baby and your DP should be part of your focus in the first few weeks!). If you have an idea in your mind of how things will be, just make sure you can let it happily drift away if your baby's sleeping / feeding / chilled-ness isn't conducive to that vision. Let it go, reassess and work with what is in front of you and let yourself do whatever you need to get through that first stage, until you get a handle on it all.

All the best for the exciting times ahead.

When DS was born 2 years ago, I was told the same crap. I would be terribly busy, no time for nuttin' etc...
Turns out DS was a dead easy baby and I had lots of spare time (even too much, I got so bored, I started volunteering!).
The only flaw in your plan is: will you fit in your old fancy clothes for your party? I certainly did not fit in my clothes until a good few months after birth.
I like you attitude OP, you are not insane.

As above post for me too. And I had a crap birth that ended up with emcs. I never even contemplated how life would change, didn't see the point. And it hasn't really. Okay, there is a little person attached to me but not much else is different. I just get on with life and baby comes too. Ye she fed lots when tiny and yep she still does now but just did it out and about. Never got all this camp out at home for two weeks, dont expect a shower/hot drink/lunch. Okay, sometimes things might be a bit disorganised but hey ho. Life goes on!

It wasn't meant to be snooty at all! Sorry for anyone who thinks it was. Probably just trying to make myself feel better that it will be ok because listenning to mums has honestly scared me half to death!
I've gone through every emotion -

Horror at "you'll never sleep"
Tears at "You'll have such a strain on your relationship"
Terror at "You'll have no time for yourself"

I swung from being optimistic right through to not wanting the baby at all. So maybe that accounts for my full-on attitude. I had reasoned things out in my head to suggest I could cope with it, but you are very right, that's all possibly going to be pie in the sky and all the above will be true.

I do hope not.

Of course you can cope with it.

You already know that it's amazing what can be achieved on 3-4 hours sleep a night. It can be much harder than you ever expect but the love and satisfaction you feel is much greater too!

Things are so much easier by 12 weeks and trust me on your baby's first birthday you will look back in amazement at how quickly it has flown by. Even if in the early weeks the hours between 3-6am seemed to last a week at a time!

You'll be fine. So will the OP. All anyone is saying is don't be surprised if things turn out differently from how you'd been determined they would turn out before baby came.

You will sleep again.

It can make your relationship much closer and stronger.

You'll have much less time for yourself but you're unlikely to care.

Best wishes.

Ginger

As you must have seen by now every single persons experience is different. In my opionion I dont see any reason not to throw a party, there are parties and parties arnt there...there are laid back casual affairs and parties with "...table scapes...." and themes and people on stilts walking round creating attitudes from shakespeare.

How you feel will depend on so many things - and alot of it on how much your baby sleeps and feeds. New borns actually usually sleep alot! Too much almost as you want them to be awake more looking and doing!

We did an awful lot when DD1 was born, in the first week had local days out and one longer trip to seaside, went to big city, and after a month went for a week to cornwall, up to lakes etc...BUT she was a good sleeper.

We also - went to restaurants and pubs as in gastro style pubs...not lets all get legless its friday places with booming music. BUt we didnt do that anyway.

New borns sleep anywhere and it was a great time, when it got harder for us was when she was about 1 ish and started to move and walk!

Then it was harder to go and do stuff because she was on the move and more aware!

I found our DD very easy to begin with.

So much so I was quite cocky about ...." motherhood".

Then she started to move and a whole new world opened up for me.

I think - a party would be lovely, all these people cooing over baby - you talking about your birth story, and apart from your Dh bday - a lovley celebration that baby has arrived. Im sure - people will be bending over backwards to help you clean up as well.

Who would go to a house of new paretns and not leave the place spotless!

Enjoy - do post back and tell us how it went.

Jenjen: I have a 12 week old son. We are getting plenty of sleep and yesterday went to the olympics. You will do things that you love with your LO.

If you were having surgery or running a marathon with no prior training you would need recovery time. The same is true for birth. Why everyone is responding to the op so negatively is because she is planning to do more than necessary in that early recovery and bonding time. Getting everyone feed, clean, dressed is a much as most people can manage in the first few weeks. But it soon passes

Ditto eliza

I has a good baby who slept anywhere.

Now she is one, she doesn't!

I can empathise with you so much OP. I am due with my first at the end of September and have had so many people going on at me about how terrible it's going to be both labour and looking after new baby. For my part I'm a fairly serious amateur rider but obv haven't been able to ride for some time now. I'm itching to get back to it and know others who have managed to get back in the saddle after 2 weeks!! And I'd love to be one of those so I'm hoping that I will, whilst I do know that it isn't entirely likely.

I'm a massive optimist in life. That's how I work and it works for me. I'm also very organised and generally in life I have always believed that anything is possible if you are organised enough. I don't particularly have any pressure on me to do anything after the baby comes and I fully intend to take all the time I need to look after baby to the best of my ability first and foremost and everything else second, but I, like you, am surely fed up of other mums saying how awful it will be. I will hope for the best and cope with the worst if it happens and that's how I deal with life in general. I empathise with you having a friend who has been trying to put you down about how you will be boring after baby - I too hate people telling me how I will be or what I will do, but it's none of their business at the end of the day, so if I were you I would try to discard their taunts - concentrate on what it best for baby and s*d the rest!

I firmly believe you should plan to have your party if you want to, just contingency plan in case you can't do it, your friends and family will understand and you will probably know well in advance if you're not up to it. Good luck and keep your spirits and optimism up!!

And just to add, I really thought "thing"'s post was a bit pointed... Why do some mums relish being generally mean to mums to be!!?

OP, there is just as much chance your birth and the first few weeks of your child's life will go brilliantly as there is that it could be very hard. Keep optimistic, its the best way to get through any situation. As for the chance of going late, there is also a chance you could go early and therefore your baby may even be a little older than expected. I am due DD mid september, and have booked up to take her down south mid october with my family. I am really looking forward to getting away for a bit and showing off my beautiful baby. I'm sure everything will go to plan for you, and i hope your party is great fun. If things do turn out a bit too much, then why not organize for it to be in a small venue(nothing fancy) then you do not have to worry about cleaning up, and can feel free to leave whenever you like. For what it's worth, i believe in you, and i think having a party is a great idea and i do not think it is unrealistic in the slightest. You know yourself as a person. You WILL be fine. At the end of the day, whatever anybody say's on MN, you will make up your own mind regardless of our comments.

Go for it

Just want to point out - for the OP but other first time mums to be too -

You're getting a bit trapped between poles of 'it will be fine and wonderful' or 'everyone's telling me it will be awful!'

chances are, being realistic, it will be a mix of both. Which is totally fine as long as you just allow for the possibility.

I do think there is a hint of 'I'm an x kind of person so I'm sure I will cope' with all this talk of not being people who lie around watching EastEnders and being very organised and coping etc.

please, don't be surprised if motherhood is a new experience which just busts some of your strategies open AND MEANS YOU LEARN NEW ONES. That isn't a negative thing to say. It's a sensible one. You will find it easier to adjust and learn new ways of doing things if you aren't very decided on how things are going to be. If you are someone high achieving and organised and used to being very in control of your life (like me, for example), finding that you have a new small person in the centre of your life who does not fit into your existing life but demands it is centred around them is certainly a challenge. I'm sure it is for people who aren't remotely like that! but hellsybells if I say to you that you might end up learning what it is like to be unorganised as a strategy (I think there is something about responding to a small baby's needs that defies 'organisation') then that's not a negative thing. That's not telling you you WON'T cope. It's just saying - keep a very open mind about what is to come.

You don't have to listen to anyone if you don't want to. I think other mums can be good sources of help for new mums, I really do - and I've already said it but other new mums going through the same as you at the same time are great.