First time mum. Fed up of being told how awful it will be and hoping I'm not being overly optimistic.

[GingerDoodle]

We're expecting out first at the beginning of October. I will be honest, i've had a bit of a point to prove from the start as my best friend helpfully informed me I would become boring and no longer myself as soon as I got pregnant.

Overall i've been lucky and felt pretty good with pregnancy so far (minus horrid sickness and my current carpal tunnel) and as such have more or less carried on as normal with nights out, parties, life etc. I've cheerful smiled through the more or less constant lectures from some friends that I should take it easy, should not do x, that I won't be able to keep it up etc.

But now the doubts are starting to creep in about after the birth. Obviously its going to be a huge huge change when baby arrives. Obviously i'll be tired, emotional and possibly (probably) physically sore. But why does everyone feel the need to laugh / sneer at the suggestion that given a few weeks I won't be feeling like the world is ending? At the beginning of November there's a party I throw every year, I have no intention of cancelling - its my dh's birthday party, its at home, my folks and friends will be on hand to help and I'm planning on starting in the afternoon anyway. But everyone seems to think I am insane?

Am I?

No you are not insane. I have no idea why people with multiple children insist on telling you how horrendous it is - why did they keep having them?

I walked into our office at work carrying a pile of folders I had been asked to bring down. When I walked in I was met with a chorus of "you shouldn't be carrying those!" but not one person offered to help. My response was that it was surely no worse than carrying a toddler. No response to that.

People have a weird idea that they have to 'prepare you'. Some genuinely think they are and some are just being mean.

Ignore them and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

Your not insane. Your party, your rules. Yeah your life will change and for the first few months of little persons new life you'll not want to go out partying and just sit and stare at them! i still do now with my 4yr old! They really do grow up fast.

You've got plenty of time afterwards to do all the things you used to do. Is your friend a tad jealous?

Im having my third in September and am excited about meeting him. I used to be a right party animal and i am one of the ones who did stop, but because i wanted to not because becoming a mum made me turn into an old fart.

You have your party. Having a chid is the most wonderful thing I've ever done. Yes, hard at times but just wonderful. And if you want to, you can do most of the things you did before; maybe a bit less often, maybe adapted slightly but depending on what your baby is like and your attitude much is still possible. Enjoy it! I'm delighted for you. Don't listen to the negative people at all.

With my first DC, I would have been able to throw a party within 4 weeks of giving birth.

With my second DC, I would not have been capable as I had an emergency CS.

There is no way you can tell now how you are going to be feeling, so don't worry about it. Don't start planning the party until after the baby has arrived, and delegate as much as possible.

As to people telling you how terrible it is - I think that really is a matter of personality combined with their experiences. Some of my friends were simply exhausted with just one child. Others 2 or 3 kids and maybe struggle a bit sometimes but just get on with it and don't moan.

It does really depend on whether your baby sleeps, tbh. I think that is more important than an easy/difficult birth.

It doesn't haveto be terrible at all, but I think you'll do better if you go in with your eyes wide open, and have realistic expectations.

If you're due early oct, baby may be 2 weeks late, couple that with an emcs, and you'll be 3 weeks post-surgery with a newborn- not the time for huge parties. Get his mum, or better stll DH himself to do the party this year.

Thanks for the positive words everyone!!

I'm not exactly a party animal now! Maybe go out for a late night once a month with DH and the work crew (although the cost of doing it in Central London is meaning its getting prohibitively) and throw 3 big parties at home each year!!

I am planning on commuting with DH and baby whilst on mat leave once I feel up to it and (if) baby plays ball; mainly to get me out of the house as I've commuted my entire working life and think the exercise will be good.

BF is not jealous just has a real thing about people getting married / having kids - we've grown apart since getting married which is very sad and a frequent topic of convo between me & dh as its gone from her practically living with us to seeing her once in a blue moon. Oh well.

I'm somewhat relieved I don't appear to being setting myself up for massive failure.

O and I should have said, obviously if I am overdue and end up with a section that has to be considered lol. This baby will not be late. This baby will not be late (repeats firmly).

I don't think you are insane at all. I loved my year at home with my first child. I made some fantastic friends and found plenty to keep me (and him!) busy. Yep, its an emotional rollercoaster and you don't get a lot of sleep, but much more besides.

Things do change very dramatically when you have a baby, I remember when I had my first, about 3 or 4 weeks in thinking my life was over, I would never be normal again, exhausted, stressed, woefully unprepared with no clue what I was meant actually to be doing with the small bundle that someone had foolishly allowed me to take home from the hospital unsupervised which seemed not to have stopped crying since! Of course life did return pretty much to normal within a few months once things had calmed down, we were all getting some sleep and I had worked out which way was up.

It is impossible to know how you will find those early weeks / months, but I actually think that a party soon after the birth is a great idea as long as you have lots of help and are not planning on cooking anything. You are still hyped up on adrenalin, the baby is small enough not to care what is going on, everyone is desperate to meet and cuddle the baby and you can float around in a happy haze. Get a sling of some sort though so that if the baby is a bit unsettled you can strap him / her to you and carry on socialising regardless.

I went to both a party and a wedding 3-4 weeks after DS was born (both with him). TBH I couldn't have coped with holding a party though, if I were you I'd be making sure someone else is doing all the work. I found it hard to concentrate on anything but DS and he wanted to feed all the time at that age. He was also in and out of hospital till 2.5 weeks, so I'd have cancelled a party planned for 3 weeks. You really have no idea how you'll be physically or mentally, how the baby will be physically, how much sleep you'll all be getting.

Of course it's life changing, but it's not life destroying. It's just unpredictable and that's probably all people are trying to say. DS is 13 months and I would still rather be with him than out drinking!

Not insane, but either very immature or quite young.

Making such a big production of not being boring to prove your friend wrong?

Who has the energy?

You have no idea what it's like to have a baby, so big statements about how it's going to be and what you're going to do just seem naive and a little foolish.

I found having my first to be the hardest thing I've ever done. Others breeze through it. You don't know in advance how it will be.

Sorry, what Thing said.

You will only have your first baby once. It is a massively big deal whether you have an easy or difficult birth, an easy or difficult baby (neither of which you can plan for in advance). It changes everything and I would be highly surprised if your priority just weeks after having a baby will be throwing a party.

Physically even a short and straightforward natural labour is like running a marathon; all women need some recovery time. Your baby needs to learn how to be outside of the womb and that is your most important job in those first few weeks: getting to know him or her and work out how to feed, soothe and change this incredibly tiny and vulnerable little person that you are wholly responsible for. Even if you love every last second of it and take to it like a duck to water, it will take up all of your time and energy, it involves learning several new skills at once when you are physically below par and more prone to illness etc. I felt brilliant after having ds2, felt recovered totally but of course you are slower in real terms than at other times in your life and it's very, very easy to overdo it even in optimal circumstances.

Also, you could be two weeks late in which case you would be having this party 2-3 weeks after birth. Seriously, why? To prove you are cool? You can go out and party and live it up all you want again, having a baby isn't the end of the world but it WILL change things. If you expect that having this baby will only change your life as much as you let it, you are setting yourself up for feeling seriously out of control very quickly. Part of enjoying the postnatal experience is giving into it, allowing it, realising that for a very tiny period of time your baby HAS to come absolute first. They are only newborn for ONE month. It is precious beyond belief. Feck the party, it's really not that important. You have all your life for parties.

Can you just postpone it? Delegate it to someone else to organise? (Going won't really be a problem).

Well I guess posting on-line I set myself up for some criticism.

Thing - there is no need for hurtful comments. I'm neither immature or particularly young. I've just not had a baby yet, like you at one point, and trying to make sense of what life will be like. No harm in that!

I'm not really making a 'big production' but BF's comments have stuck in my head and tbh carrying on with life as normal through pregnancy has (in the main) done me good.

Who has the energy? I don't know - hence the post. Perhaps I worded the end of my original post badly, the party is a small side factor really. I may regret doing it*, I may cancel it last minute, it may well go fine. The post was really about feeling confident but getting slightly bogged down by peoples negative comments and attitudes.

*However for those who are interested - 'doing it' involves sending a fb invite out, ordering food and drink in, making a cake and then delegating / directing the rest lol

Pregnancy is a competely different kettle of fish to the newborn period, especially your first pregnancy. You can focus totally on your own wellbeing and choose to do that in whatever way suits you e.g. lolling about the house or being active, staying in or getting out. It isn't the same with a new baby because your needs quite literally SAIL out the window. If anything most new mothers need to be reminded to take it easy/rest up/take care of their own needs because they are so focused on the baby in those first 4-6 weeks. Even if you are a physical wreck after an emergency cs or what have you, your focus will be solely on the baby and that can be massively overwhelming.

Second time around even though I have an active toddler swinging out of me, I'm finding it easy peasy.. because it's not the tiredness/baby care/physical recovery that makes it so intense first time round, it's because it really is a major change to go from having you at the centre of your world to having someone else. Pregnancy sort of gives you some basic preparation but ultimately you still control what you do with your time, when you go to the loo, what time you turn in for bed and you can go to the shop/pub/a restaurant without having to bring any special equipment or plan it like a military operation. They call it babyshock with your first.. there is a reason everyone says "nothing can prepare you". You have no idea what's normal or not or what you are doing. It's great and I remember that newness with huge fondness even though it was tough (and I had a particularly tough time with PND and a slow recovery etc) but just don't kid yourself that how you feel now about the party will be the same after the birth. I wouldn't want to be committed to anything, no matter how informal. I would say that I would see how things went and only go for it if I really WANTED to after my baby was here. By going on about it now you are going to feel really obliged to stick with it even if the thought of it makes you want to cry after you've had your baby.

I think you need to focus on taking it as it comes and definitely not trying to prove yourself to anyone. As others have said, having a baby IS a big deal, and the newborn time is so precious.

You really can't predict what it will be like, and while it's natural to think about it, I think it's a mistake to talk/plan too much, because you could make it hard for yourself to back down.

BTW, I loved the newborn period, but only because I holed up in the house and basically did nothing and only had guests who looked after themselves. I would have been a crying wreck otherwise - and I am generally capable, honest!

PS the babyshock period doesn't last long but it's sort of folly to plan anything for within that period of time. It's a case of if you feel up to it well and good but if not you don't want to have talked yourself into it or feel under any pressure to "perform" for it.

You will go out and party again but for heaven's sake don't make it a challenge that you have to achieve in that tiny, tiny period of your life when you will have a newborn. That's the sort of pressure that can lead you right into postnatal depression.

X posted there with Fruity.

I couldn't have hosted a party 4 weeks after my first (and certainly not 2 weeks after) and I had a great pregnancy and an "easy" birth, but that doesn't mean you won't be able to! If you are at home, at least you can just vanish up to bed and leave others to look after the guests if you feel you need to. Good luck!

We had ds1's dedication (similar to a christening) when he was 6 weeks old with a BBQ at ours after. It was awful and I wish I'd never done it. I was so tired, tearful and didn't have that "mum knows best" confidence with him. And this was something I hardly had to do any organising for, I just had to turn up and try not to burst into tears.

It was our anniversary a couple of weeks after DS1 was born. We went into town to choose a film together and then we watched it and had a takeaway in the evening. It was blissful.

You might feel up to it, or you could only be three weeks after an EMCS/tear/forceps delivery and barely able to stand.

Then if you're breastfeeding, an evening party will be in clusterfeeding time. You are likely to have a tired and grumpy baby attached to your bleeding nipples. At that stage cooking dinner for DH and I was impossible: I'd be left with a sandwich during the day so I could eat something.

At 5 weeks I gathered my courage and went to a party. We were there 2 hours and I barely left a chair

Yes you will recover and get to the new normal but it will take a couple of months. There's a reason that its advisable to have a freezer full of meals before a birth!

I had my first DC 11 weeks ago and so many people almost gleefully told me that sort of stuff while I was pregnant. It annoyed me so much. It's really hard to say to what extent your life will change - this will depend on the sort of birth and recovery you have, how your baby is sleeping and feeding etc etc. Personally I haven't felt like I haven't been able to do things but I have made a big effort to get out and about and meet up with friends etc. There have been days where I've had to take it easy, particularly in the six weeks after the birth, because I've 'overdone it' (mostly in terms of doing a lot of walking) and felt the effects. The first month was also pretty hard in terms of hormones being all over the place, sleepless nights, getting used to everything etc.

I am only just feeling like I am able to get stuff done around the house - that's the main thing that will hit you - days spent in the house just sitting on the sofa, feeding and changing and sorting the baby out. But on the whole, don't listen to people.

The best thing i ever did was take it slow And easy after dc1. Your mad to plan a party imho.

It is the most wonderful few weeks of your life, you have nothing to prove, don't spoil it all by pressurising yourself.

Two set of friends have been crippled with how difficult they have found newborns. Both strong confident women. You don't know how it will pan out.

I was shopping in Bluewater post EMCS when my DD was 8 days old and driving again by day 10. H and I went out into the west end when DD was 17 days old as it was our anniversary. I felt amazing, it was a breeze. Your friend sounds jealous!