First time mum. Fed up of being told how awful it will be and hoping I'm not being overly optimistic.

[GingerDoodle]

We're expecting out first at the beginning of October. I will be honest, i've had a bit of a point to prove from the start as my best friend helpfully informed me I would become boring and no longer myself as soon as I got pregnant.

Overall i've been lucky and felt pretty good with pregnancy so far (minus horrid sickness and my current carpal tunnel) and as such have more or less carried on as normal with nights out, parties, life etc. I've cheerful smiled through the more or less constant lectures from some friends that I should take it easy, should not do x, that I won't be able to keep it up etc.

But now the doubts are starting to creep in about after the birth. Obviously its going to be a huge huge change when baby arrives. Obviously i'll be tired, emotional and possibly (probably) physically sore. But why does everyone feel the need to laugh / sneer at the suggestion that given a few weeks I won't be feeling like the world is ending? At the beginning of November there's a party I throw every year, I have no intention of cancelling - its my dh's birthday party, its at home, my folks and friends will be on hand to help and I'm planning on starting in the afternoon anyway. But everyone seems to think I am insane?

Am I?

I can remember this. I think saying worrying miserable things to first time mums is utterly unforgivable. I recall being so worried and fearing a life of unmitigated misery after one family get together with bil and family who gleefully told me all the bad bits. Why do people do that?? You have to question the motives of people that say such things

Anyway I ended up with three dc and like all things there are ups and downs but you will manage and find you'll find your own way, don't be afraid to askk for help if you need it, and it will be fine. Who knows you may even love every minute. Say you do anyway...it's one in the eye for the know it alls.

Squiby you have to admit your experience is pretty unusual. Lots of people feel fine after birth, lots don't. What the OP is mistaking for negativity is a bit of realism: it's best to wait and see and not set yourself up for failure. You can have a positive attitude to birth and the postnatal period that isn't unrealistic.

I agree it's impossible to predict.

However it might go really well. We're a week in with our firstborn and it's been absolutely fine so far. Frankly I'm often more tired going to work. We've been very lucky in a number of respects though - ive made a quick physical recovery, breast feeding has gone well and we've chosen to co-sleep so I can breast feed whilst lying down and therefore nights are ok, baby is able to sleep quite contentedly for a few hours at a time during the day, ive been lucky not to get too much in the way of baby blues, we have lot of support and my life is generally chaotic so I'm not too phased by things not going to plan (such as getting through my entire supply of nappies in less than 24hours). I can't predict exactly when I'll have a few hours to do things each day but in general I do. We've been able to be sociable and frankly I'm normally more tired at work. Mostly though we're spending our time completely entranced by our tiny daughter :)

It might all go wrong next week though

I don't want to be harsh but I always cringe a bit when someone says "I'm going to do such and such after the baby is born, it'll be fine." Thing is, it could be fine, but I worry so much about that person setting herself up for failure. Before you have a baby it is just impossible to realise how much it changes you as a person. Something I didn't expect is that I felt quite self conscious - my boobs were massive, I was still wearing maternity clothes but I had no bump only flabby skin, my vulva felt sore and weird, I was still bleeding quite heavily and I just didn't feel like me at all. Apart from that I was extremely tired and I simply could not concentrate on anything, I couldn't even watch tv because it was too much of a strain.

I had an easy pregnancy, a very straightforward birth and no PND so what I felt was pretty par for the course I think. The thought of having to get myself together for a party when DS was a month old makes me feel panicky even now. I would have felt "watched" by everyone and at that stage I wasn't comfortable with feeding in front of others so the thought of feeding in front of all my friends while they coo and comment is just awful. At that stage my life revolved around trying to get a batch of three hours sleep. By two months I was out and about a lot and was much more together and by three months I was having a great time, so that period doesn't necessarily last very long. I do think though that planning to have a party in your own house when the baby is still so tiny is a bit unrealistic. Perhaps a party in relative's house, where it's possible to get away and go to bed at any time, but when it's in your own house you're stuck and you can't exactly tell everyone to feck off if you start feeling the walls start to close in.

Go easy on yourself. Your life will change. It's fantastic and totally worth it but for the first couple of months you may well feel like you're way out of your depth. That's normal, and passes. Don't heap other pressures on yourself, it's not worth it.

I have two DCs and no. 3 due in Oct. I agree 100% with CailinDana.

In all probability yours and DHs lives will be enriched beyond words by having children and becoming a family.

But the early weeks are precious and unpredictable. Don't stress yourself with uneccessary pressures - like a pary at your house.

Ask a friend/relative to host. Do the prep before baby arrives. Turn up when you can for as long as you can manage then go home when you want to.

Life is not the same but more wonderful. Enjoy.

Is this a baby comes too party or a GPs babysitting party?

Is your house going to be left in a mess or will you have a cleaner?

Are the guests parents themselves?

Are they going to be smoking/taking drugs?

I think the party is symbolising your determination to show your friend that having a baby won't change you. I don't think there can be a happy ending to that.

I've been to a 'gathering' of friends to wet a baby's head at the parents house - on the day it was born!! I'm awaiting my first too, surely it's best to wait and see how you feel. You could be my friend or you could want to hole up in a dark room for weeks.

Fwiw I get really annoyed with people telling me what I should and shouldn't do in pregnancy. I'm a farmer, women have been farming for thousands is years, often in a much more physical way than me. I've checked it all out with my midwife, I'm young fit and healthy, why shouldn't I carry a box/climb a ladder/drive a tractor !

Agree with all the comments to see how you feel after the birth. I had a straightforward pregnancy and labour, followed by a baby who refused to sleep more than an hour at a time

I got through it by basically hibernating for the first 6 weeks. DH had 2 weeks paternity leave but then it was all down to me. Once I was feeling a bit more human again and getting a small amount of sleep again, I was happy to take DS anywhere with me in the sling, but wouldn't have wanted a large amount of people at my house - at least out and about you can go home when tired/overdone it and start bleeding again/DS decides to cluster feed? I was happy to breastfeed in public once I could guarantee his latch etc but it was all a bit hit-and-miss at first :)

I'm with you, Ginger. I'm so sick of people saying 'enjoy having a social life while you still can', 'enjoy a good night's sleep while you can'. I'm pregnant, not terminally ill. We realise life is going to change dramatically and we have to be flexible, but believe we can still be people as well as mothers.
Personally I won't be planning any parties as I just want the first few weeks to be just me, hubby and baby- and the few visitors we invite- so that we can get to know our new routine. But if you want to have a big party, go for it. Just don't beat yourself up if you do decide later that you don't feel like throwing it after all!

Totally Londonmrss, no one is suggesting otherwise. Merely saying it might not work like that in the first month to six weeks.

I'm sure Michael Phelps and all the other athletes in London 2012 are people as well as Olympians but probably not so much so during this short period of time.

My DD is now 13 weeks old. I was planning on applying to be a Games Maker at the Olympics - ha!

No-one can tell you how you'll feel OP but I would agree with the others who say don't put any pressure on yourself. I seriously limited the visitors for the first few weeks as I felt like I just had to be in my nest, with my baby and close family. I hadn't intended to but felt the need to once she arrived. I'm normally really outgoing and love having people around. I'm just getting back into my stride now but as I am DD is becoming less portable (napping during the day is, ahem, challenging and bedtime routine is pretty sacrosanct). The idea of a party, which I usually love, would horrify me at the minute as I am just so focused on her and am not sure I could do it as well as I'd like.

No-one can prepare you for what's ahead, but it will be amazing. I can't believe how much I enjoy her company already.

The very best of luck to you.

"believe we can still be people as well as mothers."

:o

A person AND a mother?!

No need to aim so high! :o

There's no way to tell what it's going to be like for YOU. Everyone is so so different.

I had a really easy pregnancy - only one sick incident, and stayed very active right up until DD was born 16 days late. A bit of carpal tunnel like you. I was out shopping at 40+13 and salespeople were like 'you should be at HOME resting!!'

Pregnancy ended in a c-section... DD was induced and 3 days later, nothing was happening. (3 days sounds horrid but I was pain free and quite comfortable). When the decision to have a section was made, I cried a little, because I had heard so many horrible stories about the pain and recovery time etc.

As soon as the epidural wore off afterwards, I was able to stand up, and I was in no pain at all. The midwives kept bringing around painkillers and I kept telling them I didn't need them. They convinced me to keep them up, but I was often late taking them and never felt anything. I saved most of them and keep them in my medicine cabinet at home in case of migraines :)

So I was walking around freely from day 1 (taking precautions of course), taking nice walks to Tesco on day 3 to do some shopping, and was sightseeing all over London with my niece who came to visit from abroad when DD was 1 week old.

DD was a reasonable sleeper, and apart from 2 horrid days in the antenatal unit, I didn't feel especially sleep deprived. Just toddled along... mind you I was absolutely rubbish at getting out the door on time for anything for a good 8 months but... I did make it out. A lot.

I went through a rough patch between months 4-7. DD started sleeping through at 3 months, but then regressed and by 6 months she was waking every hour or so. It was horrific. But it soon passed and it was such a small period of time in the grand scheme of life.

So all of this is just to reassure you that not every birth / post birth is terrible, motherhood isn't always the hardest job ever, and you might be lucky and have it easy.

But I guess if you are prepared for the worst, as I was, then at least if things go wrong you are ready, and if they go right then you can look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.

Some people just delight in trying to burst your bubble, don't they?

On the other hand...

Please don't continue to commute in with your husband once your baby comes along! Some of the most beautiful, peaceful, blissful days of your life will be just you and your tiny baby pottering around at home, in the garden, with no timetable...

Of course other days you'll be bored rigid, in which case, get out and about!

What Thing said, on P1 and then what Cailin and others have said on this page. You have no idea what you will be like a month after your baby's due date (so baby might well be only a couple of weeks old). Sadly, some babies struggle when they are born, and - obviously hopefully not, but there is a possibility - the baby may need some support in those first weeks. It may be you have a section or just have a difficult birth from which you find it difficult to recover quickly. It may be you feel totally overwhelmed and teary, or may have PND. I know of several perfectly capable, energetic, organised women who were knocked for six by the birth of their dc, and not really out of their dressing gowns for the first month. I'll include myself in that - there is NO WAY in the world I could have gone to a party, let alone hosted one, but then again, I met an 11 day old baby who had been taken to a big camp earlier this week.
It may be - and I hope it is for you - that you are fine and dandy and up for hosting a party in November, but what so many people are trying to say is that YOU WON'T KNOW until it happens. Why set yourself up to have to cancel something ? Why not just say "We'll have to see how we are placed this year" ?

I remember friends who had kids before us doing the same when I was pregnant and DH and I going home after and saying " what the hell have we done", but actually thinking " it won't be like that for us". Ha ha ha ha.

I remember saying to someone that I was prepared for being woken by the baby as I had to get up most nights to pee anyway. Ha ha ha ha!!!

It was so much harder than I could possibly have imagined. Just the sheer relentlessness of it, just closing your eyes when the baby starts crying again.......hell on earth.

But that was just our experience, other people we know did breeze through it. And we did do it again, so it must have been worth it but we're definitely not having any more

Hmmm I can see both sides here. It does sound like you are a bit scared of your life changing from what you are familiar with, whereas actually it does change but in a good way, and you will almost definitely prefer it, so no need to worry!

I had a great time post-birth in terms of being able to get out and about really early on, have people (family, mainly) over for visits, etc. However I still really relished being alone and pottering, as others have said, and having no "targets" or "obligations". The sleepless nights were balanced out by taking the baby into bed with me in the mornings (doing lying-down breastfeeding) and both of us sleeping in, often til 11am. So I REALLY don't think you will want to commute with your husband - what a waste of having maternity leave, your one chance not to commute!! Also commuters won't take kindly to a pram on board, they are a grumpy bunch!

As others have said, you can plan the party but maybe just get some Touche Eclat and amazing figure flattering/obscuring clothes beforehand, just in case!! But keep thinking positive, always the best way. That includes the birth planning too... Good luck.

Your not insane. I had an emcs 16 weeks ago and honestly everything was fine and still is. I was driving within two weeks and settled into mother hood really well. I'm pretty chilled out and I do absolutely everything with dd that a I did pre pregnancy. Regardless of weather, time of day etc dd just gets strapped into sling and off we go. If she's hungry I sit down and feed her, she is breast fed on demand which I find no issue at all. We go out all day/night if required. I have a livery yard with horses so alot of manual stuff to do but just strap dd on and off we go. She sleeps okay ish at night but you kinda just get used to it. Life does go on as normal!

After my first I attended an all day wedding at 4 days postnatal and went on holiday at 6 days. I'm not saying that was ideal but it was definitely doable and neither me or my daughter suffered for it, obviously I was physically able to do so as I was lucky enough to have a straightforward delivery. By 3 weeks postnatal I had pretty much resumed normal daily activities obviously with a newborn baby in tow.

I thought you weren't supposed to drive for six weeks after a cs?

It might be fine, it might be harder than you expect. Everyone's different and of course it's not just down to you, it's down to how your baby is too (and they're also all different ).

I'd say do and plan whatever you like as long as you won't incur a huge financial penalty if you have to cancel at the last minute.

Hey! My gorgeous little boy is 4 weeks old today, he is my first. I am a very sociable, get up and go type of person and this hasn't changed since having my baby....so far!

If I stay in the house,even when really tired, I get cabin fever really quickly so I am out and about as much as possible, I actually find the days easier when I'm going places.

In his 4 short weeks he has been to 3 garden parties/bbq's, meals out, shopping, walking the dog every day, garden centres etc etc

I am very fortunate that the birth was very straightforward and I had a quick recovery, which meant I was on the go within the first week.

I was sure my life would stay full and busy and fun and that the baby would benefit from this and so far so good.

I breast feed, which I think makes it easier to be out and about.

We have continued to have friends over too, film nights, sport nights and everyone knows that the baby is now part of everything!

It's true it's hardwork and some nights with feeds every 1hr 30mins and endless crying in between makes it very tough but I'm loving every minute of it, and just when I think I can't take anymore he has a really good night and gives me plenty of sleep.

I know when I go onto having more children the compromise will be greater but I don't see why you have to resign to your life changing totally.

Start as you mean to go on and see how far you get I say!

Good luck and enjoy!

Ginger, I think I was probably of a similar mindset to you while pregnant with DD, I wish you every bit of good luck, and I think you'll do very well! I loved every minute of being pregnant and felt dynamic and very optimistic about having the kind of birth experience I was planning and how those first months would pan out. I know some of my friends and colleagues were rolling their eyes and / or wringing their hands at my ideas of how I wanted things to be, but on reflection, although things turned out very differently to how I had expected, that upbeat frame of mind was a great starting point. I had been so set on the birth in particular being totally orgasmic fantastic that when it turned out not to be, instead of being mired in disappointment, I think I was just a bit flummoxed. Similarly, I found myself buoyed by that conviction that it was all going to be so great once DD was born; I was in such a physical mess after a complicated delivery and would throw up with tiredness, but it really wasn't long before I was making jam, cross-stitching and booking a flights to India (no word of a lie, although you wouldn't catch me doing anything like that these days... ), and I do put that down to having kind of brainwashed myself into a Pollyanna like state beforehand (this is not a flippant or facetious reflection of how you come across at all). Every so often people ask that "Why did nobody tell me how bloody awful it would be?" question, but personally I'm quite glad I was tuned out of that particular frequency :)

I'm with MargeryKemp: if you have the party at home, who's going to clear up afterwards?? It may sound like a stupid question now, but the prospect of having to clear up a load of bottles/ashtrays/peanuts/whatever would have pushed me over the edge when I was four weeks postpartum. BUT, having said that, I attended a friend's wedding when my son was 3 weeks old and although he hated it (spent most of the time vomiting/pooing/crying in the arms of his dad before we made a speedy exit) just being out and about, dressed up and amongst friends did WONDERS for my morale. It was probably the first and last time I got glammed up the rest of the year but it was worth it, and just the thought of attending the wedding was lovely because it gave me something to aim towards during the first few gruelling weeks of his life. So have the party, just don't have it at home, and don't be surprised if you are totally pole-axed by the early days of motherhood.