Feeling 'guilty' about c-section birth

[Geekster]

Hi I had my dd by elective c-section in march and feel a bit guilty that I never experienced childbirth at all. No one else in the baby group I go to had a c-section and talk about their baby's births. I also feel bad that a part of me was relieved to have to have a c-section. Is this normal?

I dont know about normal, what is normal after all. But certainly can say that having been through some of labour ending in EMCS and having an ELCS this time, that whilst labour is remembered fondly, as long as your child is delivered safely thats what counts. (Not meaning that condescending)

I will also say that contractions feel like being punched in the tum whilst straining or a poo!

You had a ELCS because, for whatever reason, it was best for you and baby, right?

So why feel guilty about that?

I know why you do... because of a culture that puts a VB above a CS especially an ELCS. A culture that is so screwed up I don't know where to start. From the media, to birth evangelists, to competitive birthing... its so full of nothing but judgment and ignorance, its not surprising you feel like you haven't done it the 'right' way. All of the above have an agenda to make you feel the way you do.

They are morally in the wrong. There is no right way in life. Only the right way for you. No one has the right to criticise you and you shouldn't feel guilty or left out. You've simply had a difference experience of life - for example no different to someone being born to money or someone who grew up in care - its utterly beyond your control and it doesn't make you somehow better or worse. Just different.

Hi BBwolfers and HmmThinkimgAboutIt for your replies have made me feel better about it. I forgot to say the c-section was because my dd was breech. Funny as I was breech and my mum said my birth was very traumatic for both of us.

I think you are right HmmThinking that society has a lot to do with it. I also had to give up breast feeding after three weeks I got thrush in my nipples and just dreaded feeding time. I was so upset that had to give up. It wasn't the first hurdle though just the last one. Still feel so guilty about it.

No point feeling guilty as you have done nothing. I felt inadequate having a ventouse delivery, and then had an ELCS, and I felt inadequate again. Gonna have another ELCS soon, but trying to avoid any negative thinking. Do you think your child will ever give a toss that they were delivered via a section? You have given life to your child. You carried them in your womb and continue to care for them. What happened in a few hours on one day does not really matter a jot. As has previously been said, you did what was best for you and your baby. Had you insisted on a VB and something had happened to you or your child, you would have never forgiven yourself. Enjoy your baby - parenthood is filled with enough guilt already!

You talk a lot of sense ValliumQueen.

I had a c-section due to breech too. I initially felt sad I wouldn't be giving birth the way I'd imagined and then relieved after hearing some horror birth stories but think my excruciating 6 week recovery removed any feeling that I'd taken an easy path. Get quite annoyed when people assume it's the route for wimps. Yes, the delivery was a pleasure but I was still in pain and unable to laugh/cough/sit up by myself in bed/lean over to pick up my baby when all the other Mums in my group were taking their babiess to the park.

I felt similar guilt when I had my ds and I did have a vaginal delivery!!

my induction wasn't working, so at 1cm and with no pain whatsoever I was told I would have to have an epidural. My labour was pain and stress free.

The only pain I experienced was from an episiotomy and recovering.

You needed to recover from your c sec, so it's no different from recovering from a vaginal delivery in my eyes.

I've come to accept that I had a pleasant labour and would love my new pg to end the same way xxx

Good point FreelanceMama. I remember one night in hospital having to shout for help as they had put me in a lying down position to breast feed and my buzzer was out of reach and I just couldn't sit up! I think some of the guilt was because we were in hospital for a week as dd lost too much weight as I wasn't producing enough milk, she had to have a blood test and an ng tube down. You wouldn't know it now when she had her first taste of sweet potato tonight and loved it! The bits that weren't splattered every where that is!

I meant to say you have done nothing wrong. Please don't feel guilty about the feeding either. You gave her three weeks which is the most important time. You gave it a damn good try, and again due to circumstances outwith your control, your plans had to be adapted.

I had an emcs and an elcs. There were complications found within the elcs which would've resulted in the emcs anyway!

I feel a little sad that I'll never experience a "normal" labour or vaginal birth, but am not going to get pregnant over and over.

I count my blessings for my two healthy boys and despair of the vagina evangelists. :)

I just want to add that birth stories/bf vs ff seem all so consuming at first, but it fades. Nobody's going to give a flying Fuck in a few years and nobody, but nobody is ever going to ask you about the birth!

i have never given birth vaginally had crash sections
in my baby group was 60-40 vaginal birth, and cs
regardless of mode of delivery your a mum. dont preoccupy about this or compare to others mums mode of delivery

I had an EMCS with DD (also because she was breech) after loads of preparation for a "natural" vaginal birth - but felt all that yoga and other stuff didn't go to waste because it helped me recover from the CS.

I thought I would feel "cheated" of the vaginal birth experience, but ultimately I was just delighted DD was out safely and I had too much to think about getting used to being a mum to feel anything in particular about her delivery. (I also had problems with breast feeding and was in floods of tears about that - we got there in the end, but I can understand your emotions about that too. For me it wasn't about the "best" type of feeding, it was that it had always been a dream of mine to be able to breastfeed my own child, so I was gutted I might not be able to.)

So no, there's no need to feel guilt. After all, a century ago, you may not have survived a breech birth, nor too your DD. And if you decide to have a subsequent child, you could always try for a VBAC, so you'd have another chance at having the vaginal birth experience.

Personally, I don't feel vaginal birth is the holier-than-thou "right" way of having a baby, but I would like to experience it because it is such an extraordinary situation to go through - so I can understand if you might feel a similar way.

That said, if I end up having DC2 by CS, then so be it. The main thing is that the baby and I both come out of the whole thing healthy. The birth is a blink of an eye and it's importance quickly fades in the context of the life of a child. And the life of a mum.

Try not to feel guilty!

How good a mum you are depends on how you care for the ds or dd for the rest of its life ...birth is totally immaterial but there is a whole industry devoted to making women feel they have failed.

The challenge is to reject this ...not to listen to it and above all not to let it bother you.

Just think about the language "achieving natural birth" "avoiding interventions" "empowering natural birth" and that phrase that really makes me laugh.."normal birth" as though anyone who dares give birth in any other way is some kind of abnormal loser.

Actually, having experienced natural birth I found it degrading, agonising, disempowering and a totally negative experience. I wish I had never experienced it. Caesareans and non-natural births were better.

I shall certainly be recommending my daughters give birth by caesarean when they grow up!

Wear your scar with pride and help stamp out the nasty attitudes that make women feel bad.

Very interesting thread, and some very sensible and heart warming comments. Hopefully you feel encouraged by this. It may be that you could benefit from talking to a midwife or counsellor for a debrief type thing. Your mat unit or GP should be able to direct you. I had one after my hideously traumatic natural birth and it helped me sufficiently that I am pg with number 3.

I had an EMCS after 48 hours of unsuccessful labour. I refuse to feel guilty - the midwives and I made the best decision for me and the baby.
It makes me cross that there seems to be a kind of competition running amongst parents to be about who will have the most natural birth/the least amount of pain relief, etc. I just wanted the baby out!

Thanks to everyone who has replied to this post. Reading all your comments has made me feel much better. You are all right in that the only thing that matters is that Ive got a happy, healthy dd, and I'm ok to look after her.

QTPie, you are right about the stubborn streak of breech babies! I should know as I was breech myself, so dd just following in my bum,sorry footsteps!

The most beautiful birth in the world is one where the baby is safely delivered and the mother is also safe!

HOw the baby comes out is not the most important part. The end result is. Plenty of women loose thier babies - they really do its just not spoken about much, or the baby can be damaged in the process - cord round neck, oxygen etc...

The people who should feel guitly are the ones that create the atmosphere that makes a lady like you feel guilty.

Its frankly disgusting.

My friend had breech and siad her NCT group made her terrified about it - cant walk up stairs - etc etc etc...she said after - she was fine, it was no where near as bad as they had painted it - and about half her group ended up with sections...

My birth was straightforward, pethadine and no interventions, 23 mins pushing which is apprenlty fab for a first timer.

It last 6 hours of established labour,.

I was so traumatised however - I am only just getting over it now ( 4 years later)!
The pain was extraordinary, nothing can prepare you for it.
I am probably going to have a section this time.

You have safely delivered a baby, dont worry about how much pain and agnoy you felt! Thats silly, focus on the baby and yourself and think of the ladies who dont have a baby at the end of it!

I don't think ANY competition between births is helpful, and that includes saying that CS is better/more pleasant than vaginal births or vice versa. Denigrating vaginal births as compared with sections is just as unhelpful as doing the opposite.

The fact is, both modes of delivery come with their pros and cons - some people have traumatic vaginal deliveries, others regard it as a tremendous experience, some find a CS to be just fine, others have horrendous complications.

Luck of the draw comes into what kind of delivery you have, plus other factors like maternal fear of the process, positioning during labour, preparation, quality of the medical team, hospital facilities and protocols, environment, support of the birth companion etc.

If you're unlucky, giving birth can be a really unpleasant or dangerous experience - but if you ultimately come out of it healthy and with a healthy baby, that's what counts.

Glad you're feeling better about it now Geekster

Geekster - a c section for a breech baby is what is recommended as being the safest option for the baby! I am having a c section on friday because my baby is breech too (feet first). imagine how you would have felt if you had pushed for a vaginal delivery and there had been a problem, which could then have resulted in an EMCS? out of 9 of us in my NCT I will the 4th section and we haven't all delivered yet.
there are pluses and minus with both - enjoy your DD and perhaps next time you could try for a vaginal?

Hi Laughinglemons, thanks for the post, makes a lot of sense and I really am enjoying dd we went through six miscarriages before we had her so I am very grateful that she is here safely. Don't know that we will have anymore due to history and the fact I turned 40 at the start of July.

Your right about the fact that at least it was a planned section. There was a poor woman in hospital at the same time as me who had gone through 20 hours of labour then had a section.And i thought I was tired.

I hope everything goes well for you on Friday, and enjoy your baby.

Great quote from this article http://midwifethinking.com/2011/04/09/judging-birth/
" the choice of intervention can represent the ultimate expression of motherhood. For example, allowing your own body to be cut open to save your baby is surely the epitome of mothering"