Feeling 'guilty' about c-section birth

[Geekster]

Hi I had my dd by elective c-section in march and feel a bit guilty that I never experienced childbirth at all. No one else in the baby group I go to had a c-section and talk about their baby's births. I also feel bad that a part of me was relieved to have to have a c-section. Is this normal?

Hi, I haven't read any responses to your post, OP, as I want to give you my honest opinion (I will read them as soon as I've finished this).

I've experienced an instrumental (ventouse) vaginal birth in Feb 2009 and an ELCS in April this year. I preferred the ELCS hands-down. No protracted agonising labour; no rolling around on the bed in delerious pain; no tears, cuts or stitches in my perineum (but a very small and neat one well-hidden by my pubes). A clear head, not fuzzy from exhaustion and hours of sucking in gas and air. No internal exams.

Less fear. No panic.

I also developed an ongoing back problem from my labour and delivery of DD1, and my ELCS made no difference to it, whereas another VB might have made it worse.

I feel relieved not to have gone through another VB, and grateful that I'm now almost back to normal and that my DD2 is completely unaffected by her entrance to the world.

A CS is just another mode of delivery. You have not 'missed out'. You have nothing to feel guilty about. In fact, your body goes through more with a CS because you give birth and have major surgery all in one go.

Be proud.

MammaT

Ah, yes, and the old BF and FF guilt rears it's head!! I FF DD1 because ofthe wreck I was after my VB. I just couldn't get the latch right and was so uncomfortable with my injured back and perineum that I started formula feeding after 10 days.

Oh the guilt! I promised myself that I'd breastfeed if I for pregnant again.

So, DD2 was born in April and I did BF for a while but I didn't enjoy it! My tits were horribly huge, my nipples hurt, they were cracked and I couldn't give DD1 my full attention when feeding. Night feeds were tiring. I got a blocked duct sometime in week 4. DD2 wouldn't take milk from that breast, so it then got engorged. I spent a very painful evening in tears trying to express the milk with a manual pump, feeling like a dairy cow :(

Then I thought of DD1 and how at 3.5yo how perfect and beautiful she is.

I've bottlefed DD2 since then. Never looked back :)

MT

You (and I - dd was breech) chose to have major surgery to give your baby the best chance of a safe delivery - that makes you brave and selfless. Yes some people have successful vaginal breech births, but it is risky and in the olden days things often went wrong for mother and/or baby.

I feel sad and left out sometimes too when people are reminiscing about labour/childbirth, so I know where you're coming from.

Geekster - wanted to log back in to tell you that I will now be the 5th c-section out of 9 of us. Another emergency yesterday. Also I've now had 2 of the other 8 NCTers tell me that they are jealous of my planELCS (for those that are reading this and didn't read my post on page 1, my baby is breech like Geeksters) and Andrea, who had an EMCS said that the section was the best bit of the labour!

Also knowing that I am having major abdonimal surgery on friday is scary...

Did you watch the bbc answer to OBEM last night? Its about the midwives rather than the births. Worth watching on iplayer if you have time. We all know that maternity services are at breaking point and for that reason you don't get admitted and get to have an epidural as soon as you could in the private sector or in France, so the culture is to expect pain and ELCSs even for medical reasons are seen as a way of avoiding pain and therefore we feel like we're cheating. BUT when labour starts but results in an EMCS everyone sympathises and surely no one would think that someone who had an EMCS had failed or missed out. It doesn't make sense. IF the NHS maternity weren't so stretched the culture would be different and I suspect there would be a lot more ELCS and less EMCSs. Eg. There are a lot of breeches that are only discovered in labour which more scans would predict (i am in the private sector).

I've had two ELCS, and two very good recoveries (six weeks? Pfft, nit for me!) I don't feel guilty at all. The first was my choice over a very managed induction (medical reasons why pregnant shouldn't go past 39 weeks), the second because there were complications that would have made a vbac unsafe.

The thing is, motherhood is a long game. I went out with some mothers of babies if a similar age to mine and listened to them going on and on about their (vaginal) birth stories. I suppressed my smile, they are all first time mums and as I also have a five year old, I know that you don't stand around at the school gate talking about their births. Nobody cares by then. Everyone has moved on to bigger and better things.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Really, nothing.

Hi thanks to you all for your kind words. I find it hard to get my head round that a c section is major surgery, as your not having anything removed ie an organ know having baby removed! I recorded that programme last night Laughinglemons will watch it when I get chance!

Reading all your comments and stories has really helped and thank you to all of you who took the time to reply.

I truly understand how you feel OP. I felt that way myself. I had my 1st by "crash csection" with a GA. It was a scary experience and I felt cheated out of those 1st few hours of her life. Breastfeeding was a nightmare and I gave up after 3 days. However, as others have said without the section she may not have survived. So I suppose I should feel really proud that I put her needs 1st.
With my 2nd delivery I tried for a VBAC. After 12 hours and 8 cms I ended up with another section. This was a much better experience as ds wasn't in trouble and I had a spinal. He also took to breastfeeding.
So after my 2nd I realised I wouldn't experience "a natural birth" and tbh I wasn't that bothered.
However, strangely I am now pregnant with an unexpected 3rd and I have been told I will need a csetion. This time I am really anxious even though I know the experience should be better than my last two.
Good luck to all about to give birth.

Completely normal I'd say! I had a crash CS for my 4th and I was dead relieved not to have go through labour again.

You gave birth, just in a more surgical way than your baby group friends. Eventually they'll stop harping on about the birth and start getting competitive about milestones instead and start talking about something else, but in the meantime they're going to be mega-birth bores. They're processing. Just got to wait it out I'm afraid.

I think u r being hard on yourself. C section not exactly a walk in the park is it?!

When I mentioned possibility of an epidural to my crazy scary midwife & she had a go at me, saying that no-one should ever need one & "water us most effective pain management", I did point out that having a needle in your spine isn't exactly most people's idea of fun is it? So surely I would only ever need / want one if I was in real pain!!!!

It's so ridiculously political & drives me bonkers. You have a happy healthy child so who cares?

I should forget about it altogether!

I had an EMCS and an ELCS. I don't feel guilty and neither should you. We both did the best for us and our babies.

Recovery from any type of birth can be hard.

I would much have preferred a VB over CS -I am a complete wuss and afraid of needles, scalpels and such like- but I didnt actually mind once I was used to the shock of being a first time mum after dc1 was born.

Recovering from surgery with a newborn is no picnic. But with VB you could equally be recovering from stitches.

Enjoy your LO

"I just want to add that birth stories/bf vs ff seem all so consuming at first, but it fades. Nobody's going to give a flying Fuck in a few years."

^ This.

I'd also just like to point out that there are a few unnecessary CS vs natural birth comments here that don't really do help either side of the debate along. The fact is that every woman experiences birth differently, and both CSs and vaginal births can be easy-peasy or horrifically hard. Comments like 'my CS/vaginal birth was great/a bloodbath" are pointless, each woman, with each birth, has to make their own path.

For the CS-guilties though, read this.

Thanks 1944girl, your comments really put everything into perspective. We are both alive and well thanks to a c-section. When my mum gave birth to me 40 years ago I was breech, bum down. She said it was a traumatic time for both of us. I tend to worry over things a bit too much and my mum says she's sure it's because I had a difficult birth. At least my dd was spared all that thank goodness.

Backinthebox I read the link you showed in your post and made me feel good about myself. It's true about mums we would do anything for our children. I remember not being at all botherd at the time about the fact I was being cut open all I was botherd about was meeting my daughter I think they could have done anything to me and I wouldn't have noticed.

backinthebox thank you so much for that link. I have often felt I did not give birth to DD2, but I did. I was brave. Thank you for giving me that x

www.plus-size-pregnancy.org/CSANDVBAC/csemotionalrecov.htm

I stumbled across this website once when I was looking into how to emotionally recover from an EMCS. It's a looong web page, but it's also excellent. A lot of it made me cry because it put into words some things that I couldn't express or put my finger on.

I'm two years on from my DD's birth, and while I sometimes still feel a bit sad about the circumstances of how she was born (normally only when I hear other people telling their VB stories, and I feel like I'm not part of the club), I do realise that her birth, and her first few weeks (which were awful for BFing reasons), are such a tiny part of her life. It doesn't seem so important now.

@backinthebox lovely link.

Also one reason I am thrilled to have been offered an ELC this time round is I sincerely hope I am going to be able to " mentally and emotionally" concentrate on my baby, perversly being bedridden for two days at the begining should really help with this.

I was in so much shock last time after VB ( no blood bath or stiches etc), no sleep for three nights by the time she arrived, in shock at the pain, the birth - etc etc I was unable to register fully what happened - and really take her in. Did too much - breast fed but totally buggered that up for various reasons etc.

This time with a calm and planned ELC one aspect I am really looking forward to is being able to simply enjoy her - inspite of the wound pain etc. Because although I am afraid of surgery etc, I am not as afraid of that as having a totaly unkown quanity VB so hopefully unless someting goes wrong, I will mentally and emotionally be in a better place to welcome her into the world.

I do keep mentioning my experience because i think its unusual for a straight forward birth - to have been left in shock...usualy ladies who want ELC etc have had a traumatic first time physically. There is an emotional and mental side to labour and birth and I think its important to remember this. You can have a traumatic labour without it being phsycially nasty.

eliza originally when I read your earlier post I felt quite envious. It sounded like a perfect birth to me. I think you will find the ELCS quite healing. You can go in well rested, and with a clear idea, pretty much, of what will happen to you.

The hardest thing I found was coping with DD1 saying goodbye to us at the hospital after being introduced to her little sister.

I wish you a lovely birth, and you didn't bugger up the breast feeding! I am confident this time you will be in a much better place emotionally and mentally, and, with support, hopefully you and your new baby will manage it x