Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Any hospitals were dads are allowed to stay overnight?

119 replies

GingerDoodle · 11/06/2012 10:15

Hi all

I am approaching 24 weeks with our first and giving some serious consideration to this.

Me and DH don't spent a lot of time apart, a handful of nights in 10 years and I do suffer anxiety so the prospect of having enforced separation should I need to stay overnight for whatever reason straight after the birth of our child does not sit well with me all at. I also, personally believe, that having DH with me and baby is better for bonding etc.

Homebirth is obviously an option but given our local hospital has a dire rep its rather putting me off on the basis of that's where I would be transferred if needed.

I don't mind paying (sadly can't run to a private birth full stop) so am just looking to see if anyone knows of hospitals which facilitate this?

Many thanks

GD

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Pekka · 12/06/2012 12:31

Hi OP - i was also worried about staying alone after the birth. As it happened, I had to stay in the hospital for 4 days, my DH was only allowed to visit between 9am and 9pm. I was so relieved to finally get home, where I had someone to support me even during the night. In the hospital the MWs were too busy to attend to me at night, so it felt very lonely.

I believe JR in Oxford does private rooms if you can afford them, and as long as no one else has booked into the rooms. We thought the Spires upstairs would have allowed him to stay, but no luck :)

Bunnybumples · 26/01/2014 05:17

UCLH allow male partners to stay over night in certain circumstances. My local, Northwick Park, does not allow over night stays unless in labour, even if you have paid for a separate room, with ensuite. You pay the same nightly fee at UCLH for a room on your own... I am NOT impressed.

surroundedbyblondes · 26/01/2014 06:41

We lived abroad when our DDs were born so different set up. I was v grateful that DH was with us all the time. We were in for 5 days with DD1 and it was a very special time for us.

SpottyTeacakes · 26/01/2014 06:55

I was going to say st Richards in Chichester too. That's where I had both dc. Dp stayed with me from induction pessary going in until ds was born.

PastaandCheese · 26/01/2014 09:07

I agree with those saying that unfortunately the trade off would be other people's partners staying too which would only work if everyone was in a private, en suite room.

FWIW my hospital were as accommodating as possible. They let us stay in the delivery room for 8 hours after birth as they didn't need it. They were relaxed about partners leaving at 8pm and only said something as it crept towards 9.30pm ish.

The only time when they were strict was the no partners before 10am bit but I was on a 4 bedded bay with women who weren't in the best of health and needed to see drs on the rounds in the morning. It gave them a little more privacy to have only other women there. Even then I felt embarrassed to effectively be sitting in one someone's medical consultation and busied myself in the bathroom for as long as possible.

It isn't great at all OP but at least everyone is in the same boat and you will be told to ring the buzzer if you need anything when your partner isn't there.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 26/01/2014 09:33

I had my children in St Richards in Chichester West Sussex and DP was allowed to stay whenever he wanted, both on on the antenatal and postnatal ward, we were in a bay with 6 beds and the partners got a chair bed to sleep in and each bed was curtained off from the other couples. I needed him, I was quite ill before DS's birth and was in 3 weeks before he was born, my depression was already at a concerning level, it would have been 10x worse without DP.

notso · 26/01/2014 09:34

I think as well as finding out about your DH staying, you really need to be working out coping strategies for being alone.
With My 3rd and 4th DC I had to stay in for a week as they were jaundiced and one had infection. DH had to look after the other children so couldn't be with us very much.
There are many times when as a parent you have to set aside your own needs and concentrate on the needs of your child. Your DH will probably be able to be with you all day so just view it as him going to work at night.
I have to say in the hospital I gave birth in they are lacking in many facilities but were very good with visiting. DH was never told to leave. One midwife suggested at 3 am when we he was asleep in a chair that it might be a good idea for him to go and get some proper rest but it was up to us.
However this mean't most of the other birth partners were also on the ward including interfering mothers, Dads staring when I was breast feeding and Dads going for a fag every ten minutes.

VivaLeBeaver · 26/01/2014 09:40

One of our local hospitals allows this but you're in a four bedded bay with a 2ft gap between beds.

So women have their dp one side of the bed and a random strange man the other side. Obviously there's a thin curtain for privacy.

And I have caught a couple having sex on the postnatal ward. Middle of the afternoon though and in a four bedded bay.

Thurlow · 26/01/2014 09:41

I would also agree with thinking about strategies for if your husband isn't allowed to stay, as well as looking into what your local hospitals can provide.

In our hospital (Stevenage) partners can stay in the MLU or CLU room if you stay there. However, if you get transferred to the pre- or post-natal wards then partners were only allowed overnight if you had one of the amenity rooms, which were £100-ish a night, but there were only two of them and I got the impression they were booked in advance by women who were having an elcs and so knew their date.

As other posters have said, if you do need to be on a ward the issue is more everyone else's partners being around too. As much as I would have appreciated DP being there, I had a catheter, I leaked through my pad and nightie etc., I wouldn't have been happy at all with other people's partners being there.

Hopefully everything will go really well and you'll come straight home from the MLU/CLU suite and it won't be an issue at all. But as sadly you can't plan for that, I would think about talking to your mw about what else can be done if you feel you will be very anxious on your own.

Lorelei353 · 26/01/2014 09:59

Chelsea and Westminster allow partners to stay. DH didn't get much sleep in the really uncomfortable chair - he curled up on my feet on the bed for a while - but he wouldn't have been persuaded to leave. Fortunately they allow partners to stay on the wards and I was in an overflow postnatal ward so it wasn't full and wasn't too noisy.

MrsCDNinUK · 26/01/2014 10:42

I just moved here from Canada, where it's standard - even requested almost mandatory for partners to stay overnight. We had private rooms so it was wonderful bonding time for us with our newborns. We're sad and disappointed we won't have the same experience with our 3rd in the UK.

cheepy · 26/01/2014 21:28

Arrowe park on the wirral let partners stay. All single rooms on postnatal ward with en suite.

PastaandCheese · 26/01/2014 21:45

VivaLaBeaver Shock to catching a couple having sex....... Rather her than me. What on earth did you say?!

I think some women at that particular hospital must feel so vulnerable having a random man the other side of a curtain all night especially if they are a LP or their partner has to go home to look after other children.

Norfolknway · 26/01/2014 21:50

My MLU at the nhs hospital allow partners to stay.

All private, en suite rooms Grin
That's in Newcastle - don't know if it's anywhere near you!

Thurlow · 26/01/2014 22:02

I'm just trying to imagine being on a 4 or 6 bed ward, and your DH couldn't stay because there were other kids to look after, and everyone else there had their partner, so you were lying their trying to sleep knowing that strange and not bed-bound men were just a few feet away from you behind a flimsy sheet.

I normally don't give a toss about things like that, but I really do think I'd feel very, very vulnerable in that situation.

expatinscotland · 26/01/2014 22:07

I would refuse to give birth in a hospital where partners/men are allowed to stay in a 4-bed ward. Sorry, I'd feel very vulnerable and uncomfortable with that. Private en-suite rooms are very different.

But NO WAY do I think women and their babies should be subjected to that in wards.

VivaLeBeaver · 26/01/2014 22:16

I didnt say anything to the couple having sex. They never noticed me so I re-closed the curtain and left them to it. I was a shy student at the time.

Now I'd be talking to a woman in this situation for sure as I'd actually be worrying about abuse. Sad

PastaandCheese · 26/01/2014 22:31

Gosh yes. I didn't consider that Viva Sad

monniemae · 26/01/2014 22:43

Kings let dads stay overnight. That's why I went for them rather than Lewisham. In the event my partner had spent 3nights with me in labour & I sent him home to sleep in a proper bed at 11pm. Though I wish I'd got him to sureound me with water and food first - I suspect the policy is in place partly to ease pressure on overstretched staff.

I was in a 4bed ward but didn't care other men were there - I was v glad the vulnerable, hormonal, weeping woman next to me had her partner there as her baby didn't stop crying all night and was a few days old by then and she wasn't coping.

monniemae · 26/01/2014 22:47

Gosh expat, am genuinely shocked to read your comments. What exactly would women and babies not be subjected to? Dads?!

fluffypillow · 26/01/2014 23:01

I had my Three children in St Richards, Chichester also. For my last baby, they had the rule that Fathers could stay all night. I wouldn't have asked my Dh to stay, as he had to look after our other children, and I really didn't feel it was necessary. I had a c-section with my 3rd, and was on a 6 bedded ward. Two of the other women had their partners stay the night, and what a nuisence they made of themselves. They were chatting/arguing all night, so rude. We all had to have our curtains drawn back until we were 24 hrs post surgery, so there I was, not able to move, breastfeeding my baby with two strange blokes in the room all night. It was not a nice experience.

expatinscotland · 26/01/2014 23:05

'Gosh expat, am genuinely shocked to read your comments. What exactly would women and babies not be subjected to? Dads?!'

You think they are all nicey nice men who are there to help out and coo over the babies?

Have you seen the amount of space there is those wards? As Viva points out, maybe two feet and a thin curtain.

Yeah, I really want the midwife chatting to me about my savaged min-min, my bowel movements, my pads and lochia with some strange guy sat a foot away, or share a toilet with him, because if he still creeps up in the night to use the shared toilet in the room rather than leave it and the unit to go to the visitor toilet, I am not going to try to stop him whilst bleeding and leaking milk.

Not to mention noise, snoring and all the other things like Viva mentions.

The time I gave birth to DS, a partner/man/whatever was arrested in the shared toilet in our room after being caught using drugs in there by the midwife.

Sorry, I don't want to sleep next to your partner/man/dad/whatever.

I would feel very vulnerable.

Anaisa · 26/01/2014 23:21

I've just looked up the rules for my local hospital and it seems partners are no longer allowed to stay the night. I am due to have my 3rd csection there in 8 weeks and this has panicked me so much I am actually considering changing to a different hospital.

I had two csections there, after DS1 I felt like I went through war - a lot of pain, not being able to care for the baby and feeling utterly alone. The two nights I spent there on my own were the worst I can remember. After ds2 my husband was allowed to stay and this made the experience so different.

I can see how for some it may be an inconvenience having someone else's partner behind a curtain, but for some women like me it was a necessity as I really did not feel I could cope physically with being left on my own minutes after having an operation.

RaRa1988 · 27/01/2014 10:30

The RVI in Newcastle allow men 24/7 in their MLU. Unfortunately, I am not currently allowed to give birth there as I've been classed as high-risk and I am terrified at the idea of being left in the hospital alone. I plan to speak to the Supervisor of Midwives (she's already asked if I want to go and speak about special arrangements for something else) and see if there's any way I can still give birth on the MLU. Probably not much hope, but worth a try!

Thurlow · 27/01/2014 10:36

As I said above, I'm with expat on this.

I think those slim risks of having partners on the ward are big risks - how many partners do we hear about on here who aren't nice men? You aren't going to just quietly sit in a chair and doze? And that too me would be almost unacceptable, sitting unable to move in a hospital bed listening to some loud, rude prick in the bay next to me and feeling threatened by it all. I think it could go beyond 'inconvenience'.

Remember, if a woman is on the post-natal ward for a few days it is probably because she isn't very well at all. And what about mums who don't have their baby with them? Why would their DH stay in that situation? They'd be completely alone - no baby, no DH, possibly poorly, it would be truly horrible having other people's partners around then.

There are a lot of problems with immediate post-natal care on the ward. However my concern is that if partners stayed, HCP's would see the partner as the person who can help out, not them. My exhausted, shell-shocked, traumatised first-time parent DP would have been no help at all in that situation.

What's needed is more HCPs to support women during those first few nights, not partners staying over.