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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

do fathers have to be present at the birth?

118 replies

CarolinaMoon · 22/01/2006 14:46

I was intrigued by a comment about this from a trainee MW on another thread.

My dp freely admits he found my labour very stressful - probably more than I did, if only because I was asleep with an epidural for the last few hours, while he was sitting listening to ds's heartbeat on the monitor. He could hear ds's heart rate slowing down and see the MWs exchanging looks with each other, all of which I was oblivious to, and of course there was nothing he could do about it.

What do you reckon?

OP posts:

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notasheep · 23/01/2006 22:23

Advice at my NCT was women are better company at labour to get things going(and continuing) something to do with hormones!

mears · 23/01/2006 22:49

I am absoutely appalled when I read of women being treated horrendously by midwives. I would urge women to put their complaints in writing to the hospital because, believe me, treatment like that is not tolerated. Unless complaints are made, things won't change.

In relation to the title of this thread, I do not think all men should be present for labour and birth. My own sister's husband was very traumatised by the birth of their first child - he found it all pretty upsetting despite it being a 'normal' birth.

Not all men have the mental ability to be there.

If I had my babies again my DH would probably stay away and come when the baby was there. i personally enjoyed my labours but I was lost in myself and DH felt pretty redundant TBH. He was as well not there.

I have seen men just sit and flick the telly, look bored, watch the football and give their wives/partners not support at all. Those men should not be there.

There are other men that are totally involved as their wives need them. They should be there.

Then there are the men that piss the wives off...they definitely should NOT be there.......

Miaou · 23/01/2006 22:52

Have you ever felt the need to ask a man to leave, mears? (or wished you could?)

mears · 23/01/2006 22:56

Yes, on more than one occasion.

The worst was a man groping his partners breasts immediately after suffering a stillbirth

Unfortunately the drug scene comes into it and people don't ofetn associate that with childbirth

Miaou · 23/01/2006 23:03

Cabe · 23/01/2006 23:44

@ mears last post...

BudaBabe · 24/01/2006 00:06

mears - OMG! Your last post - how horrendous!

FWIW - I left it to DH to decide - he was free to leave whenever but elected to stay. Was more traumatised by the state of my feet than anything else I think!

But - next time? Not sure. Love the idea of a doula.

My Mum would be a nightmare!!

Meanoldmummy · 24/01/2006 00:32

I can't believe that Mears. That poor, poor woman. I thought I had been through hell, but I took my baby home at the end of it and I had a loving husband. You must have the patience of a saint to keep your temper around people like that.

Cabe · 24/01/2006 00:58

Mom Just read your experience and for you

Auntymandy · 24/01/2006 06:25

We have no choice..why should they?!!! ;)

anniemac · 24/01/2006 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

CarolinaMoon · 25/01/2006 17:37

Anniemac, how for your dh.

I think you are right about it being almost too much of a big deal for the father - all the worry and so little he can really do about it.

My dp isn't a wuss by any means (the theatre staff had to stop him looking over the curtain at my incision ), but the whole thing just seemed such a long, drawn out stressathon for him, and then he was too knackered once ds was born to do anything other than go home as soon as I was settled on the ward (at lunchtime). Think a well-rested dad would have been really useful at that point .

OP posts:

totallyfloaty35 · 29/01/2006 10:47

Hi all, my first birth was horrible,midwife kept telling me to be quiet as she couldnt hear the tv,wouldnt listen when i said something was wrong,baby passing meconium my stomach no longer contracting just rigid,screamed that i was telling tales on her when i sent husband to ask another midwife for help.when she finally went on a break got a lovely midwife who was horrified at the state of me,turns out i was having a placetal abruption,needed emergency c section and consultant said another 10 mins then baby and would've been gonners
Husband was actually no use at all, he seemed to me to be only listening to medical staff and kept saying that they know what they are doing.It totally shook my faith in him and i would have much rather had my bossy experienced mate with me,than a panic stricken man not listening to me either........2nd birth FAB though

poppiesinaline · 29/01/2006 11:48

Totally. What an awful midwife. I hope you did a formal complaint!

DH was present for all 3 births and he was absolutely FANTASTIC. I joke and say I could hire him out. He did find it all rather traumatic thought, esp DS1 but he was brill.

mumfor1sttime · 29/01/2006 12:11

I had Dh at the birth of ds and also my Mum was there.
Looking back it was very stressful for him (and my Mum) as I had to have an emergency C section.

I was having very strong contractions at the hospital, the Mw checked my ST and took it away! She came back saying I had a nasty discharge on it and kept asking if my waters were clear when they broke. They were clear, but they didnt believe me.
I was told to lay on the bed (I didnt want to, I wanted to walk around) and they put a tracer on my tummy. Ds heart was very weak and my BP shot through the roof.
I hadnt had any pain relief apart from gas and air and was desperate for some!
By now I had 3 doctors staring at me and I still hadnt been examined.
I had no idea how far dilated I was or what the hell was going on.
I was taken into another room and they did an ultra sound. Ds was breech.
I was then taken to another room and I was given some medication - dont know what it was. I passed out.
By now Mum had left the room as she was very upset(she has just recovered from Cancer and couldnt handle it)
I was then taken through for a C section and had to sign a consent form in between contractions whilst they tried to do a spinal.
Shortly after I had Ds in my arms!

A very stressful time for me and Dh. I wouldnt have got through it without him though.
It has given me doubts about having another baby.

slinkstah · 29/01/2006 12:23

i wanted to tell you all about my DP being there in labour for me, although do not want to depress the thread. he is the type of bloke who cannot watch holby city because he will faint, and if i even talk about my AF he goes green. so i was not expecting him to be a big part of me labouring.
however i went into labour at 23 weeks and he was there throughout, he sat at the bottom end too and pretty much delivered our tiny baby, the midwife was not existant until the last second! and i had not even met her before. he coped with it all, the was alot of blood too after the birth. he even coped when he took me to the toilet and the hugest blood clot/ something else??!!(was bigger than the placenta) fell out of me onto the floor- he thought my insides had fell out but he did not let that on to me until weeks later.
so apart from the trauma of seeing me giving birth to a baby which was not going to survive and not knowing what a baby of 23 weeks looks like etc he coped amazingly well. i couldn't have done it without him.
i guess you do not know how dp/dh will cope with things like that until it happens, i am pg again now and know dp will be traumatised by the whole birth experience he will be there for me.

totallyfloaty35 · 29/01/2006 13:19

Hi poppies, yes i did make a complaint,third one she'd had apparently,dont know if they were acted on as a frind had her at her birth too and had same problems.

babyonboard · 30/01/2006 14:38

mine had no choice..
he wanted to be there but wanted my mum as back up for me in case he panicked.
i got to hospital at 2am ish after a whole day of contractions only to be told that i wasnt in labour as monitors showed mild erratic contractions.
he called my mum, waiting in our flat nearby to say so ,so she fell asleeep,
then a new midwife came on shift who did an internal and found i was 9 cm dilated. he dashed out to call my mum, came back and i screamed, 'get the midwife i need to push' and 20 mins later ds was born.
dp was at 'the business end' the whole time (well after the midwife had said three times 'look you have to see this, it's your babies head' )
what was nice is my mum got thre to see her first grandson 5 minutes after he's been born, but dp said he would have hated to miss it, and may have wussed out ad my mum been around.

but i don't think it's neccesary..it depends what you want, i really wantyed im there, and i think perhaps most men will never regret having done it, but if you feel more comfortable with another birth partner then thats probably best.

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