do fathers have to be present at the birth?

[CarolinaMoon]

I was intrigued by a comment about this from a trainee MW on another thread.

My dp freely admits he found my labour very stressful - probably more than I did, if only because I was asleep with an epidural for the last few hours, while he was sitting listening to ds's heartbeat on the monitor. He could hear ds's heart rate slowing down and see the MWs exchanging looks with each other, all of which I was oblivious to, and of course there was nothing he could do about it.

What do you reckon?

sorry mrsdarcy. I do see the point you are making.

I think that both me and DH would have been quite happy to have given birth 50 years ago when he would have been outside pacing the corridors instead. But we would never admit that out loud!

Message withdrawn

dh was present at both of our child's births, but tbh he didn't really want to be there I think!

In hindsight my mum would have been more useful!

I had DP and a friend present at my first childs birth. Neither of us was sure how he would cope, and I wanted someone else to be able to rely on. In the end it was an easy delivery, both were there and he was graet support.

With my second, DP was thereuntil I ended up with a crash cs (we planned a home birth). This affected him more than me.

No 3 is due in 4 weeks, and he plans to be there. Now that I know he will cope, I feel stronger and more confident having him present,

I had DP and a friend present at my first childs birth. Neither of us was sure how he would cope, and I wanted someone else to be able to rely on. In the end it was an easy delivery, both were there and he was graet support.

With my second, DP was thereuntil I ended up with a crash cs (we planned a home birth). This affected him more than me.

No 3 is due in 4 weeks, and he plans to be there. Now that I know he will cope, I feel stronger and more confident having him present,

CarolinaMoon - I wasn't sure if I wanted my dp to be present - I was planning a home birth and he was quite anti, thinking hosp would be safer (I even told him he might be relegated to tea duties he wasn't too happy about that!) In the event I was so needful of his solid masculine support and calm presence that I wasn't scared even when they zoomed me into hospital by ambulance. My sister and daughter caught up with us at the hospital and were present at the birth too - dd cut the cord, dsis mopped my brow - Midwives let me do my own thing. All the while dp held on tight to my hand and encouraged me all the way... lovely experience

my dp was a great support for me when we had dd. he didn't mind any blood and watched her come out. he then cut the cord. i also had my mum with me. dp left to find a toilet and my mum also left to go and buy some magazines. it was the part in my labour which made me get a grip! instead of screaming like a mad woman i stared to make weird humming sounds which eased the pain much more.

this time i've had to tell dp he can't be there although i would still love him to be there our dd has a lot of health problems and we do all her cares (apart from when she has the odd bit of respite). although i'm only five weeks pg i've decided it'll be just me and my mum.

I think there is a lot of pressure for men to be present - and that is great 99% of the time. I personally wouldn't like to see a man pressured to be there if he didn't want to be. I don't think it woujld be great for the woman to have someone there who wasn't supportive. Much better to have a birth partner or doula in that situation.
There is evidence, IIRC, that women who have a female birth partner have better birth outcomes.

As far as I'm concerned. If I have the be there for the birth then so does he!

He found it hard seeing the pain I was in, but then so did I. Actually I had a midwife friend of mine on standby in case I had a section (which I did in the end) as I thought he'd be rubbish and pass out, but he was great, really supportive by then. He'll be with me for my next section in April and I've told him that the support he gives me this time will correlate directly with the support I give him for his vasectomy after the baby arrives, that'll keep him on his toes.

I'm glad my DH was there. It was traumatic for him the first time but the second time he fund it a totally wonderful, positive experience (despite seeing me poo myself repeatedly!)

My mum on the other hand (a mum in the 60's) thinks it's totally weird that any woman would want "a man" there. "It's woman's work" etc

Dh was there when his ex had their daughter, and with me when I had our two by caesarian. He said the caesarian was a fantastic experience compared to natural birth, from his point of view (and mine!). Much calmer and happier all round.

I had a doula and dh. I wanted to give dh the option to leave if he couldn't deal with it.

Frankly I'd have left if I could so I had no problem with the fact that dh might want to leave during the labour but I did not want to be on my own - hence I got a doula (Mum too old, sister never had a baby and really squeamish so a doula it was).

I had a fairly quick labour for a first one (induction with a drip 8 hrs from start to finish) and ther were absolutely no ' this is boring bits' as my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart from the beginning. dh was great but the doula was fantastic and though it was a very medicalised labour, I really didn't feel out of control and she helped me stay focussed and do without an epidural which I had heard often drags out induced labours as the contractions can slow down.

I felt safe as if she would fight for me and she had been there before. If there is a next time I will definitely get a doula again (hopefully the same one as she was fantastic) but if dh doesn't want to be there that is fine. He definitely remembers more than me about it and is more traumatised by it.

My DH was really nervous about the whole birth thing and wasn't sure he could stand it. I said that it was up to him and had a couple of female friends on standby in case it was too much. In the end I had an emergency cs and he came in for that - but only after he was assured he'd see nothing gory the wimp.

He was glad to have been there though - especially as it's looking increasingly likely that there won't be any more babies.

my dp's arrived 24 hrs after my borth. tbh I don't really feelI was there either, as I was under general anaesthetic, and didn't have a proper labour as such. By the time I came to, ds was already in his babygro!

It wouldn't make much of a difference to me, tbh -though it miught do dp some good to realise how painful labour can be....

why have I put dp's in the plural?! freudian slip?

Interesting remarks about the midwives' attitudes to women wanting their dh/parner with them. I was in hospital for 6 weeks when I had ds1 (5 before I was induced and a week after) with gestational diabetes (insulin-dependent), severe pre-eclampsia and SPD so severe I spent six months in a wheelchair. I found it frightening and lonely being separated from him at such a vulnerable time and was suprised at how unsympathetic the staff were. They seemed totally unable to appreciate that I was in pain, ill, afraid and facing the possibility of losing my baby, they just assumed I must be a neurotic primadonna all the time and took the p*ss out of me constantly. During the last couple of weeks before induction I was in so much pain I needed help to turn over in bed and certainly could not get up/visit the bathroom without help. The midiwives would come and wake me up and say "are you staying in bed again? You better tell someone what's going on or you won't get no breakfast". They were downright cruel and made derogatory remarks about my appearance with the pre-eclampsia swelling etc. DH took to sneaking back in after visiting hours and sleeping on the floor so that he could bring me food, help me turn over in bed/go to the loo and so that we could be together.

Anyway this is turning out to be quite long, sorry . Cutting to the chase - the day after very nearly dying several times while having ds1/being operated on afterwards/having a transfusion etc, while my baby was in intensive care fighting for his life, they moved me without warning from the side room I had spent more than a month in into a large ward, and gleefully said "you won't be able to be so dependent on your husband now, ha, ha". When he tried to take expressed milk to the fridge in the neo-natal unit for me (because the midwives confiscated my hired wheelchair and refused to let me see my son unless I walked, which I couldn't) they banned him on the grounds that it was upsetting to the mothers who were visiting their babies in there to see a man "wandering in and out". Whe we pointed out that our son was also being treated in there, they recorded in my notes that we were "difficult people". DH ended up in tears more than once.

Sorry this is so long. I've abridged it as much as possible .....the burden of my lament is that there is something BADLY wrong with the way fathers/families are treated in maternity departments, and it needs addressing, quickly!

MOM< I was similar with my DH: I was in and out for several weeks with PET, too, and very scared without DH. They out 'depressed' in my notes after they out my dates back, then said I'd have to stay in without DH.

having Dh there got me through some wildly different labours: with ds1 I was scared both for myself and him, couldn't have epidural requested for my BP (they lost my bloods, and I wa at risk of HELLP) and couldn't have c-section for same reason. With DS2 the labour was very slow but relatively gentle, Dh kept me motivated enough to enable me to deliver at my choice of unit (I was close to a transfer to unit I had ds1 in,. my nightmare, as baby was against spine).

With ds3 my loving sister booked herself and Mum a surprise few weeks away around my due date. Other sister was pg herself, so with 2 small boys I was facing posibility of delivering on my own due to lack of childcare. Idea terrified me! Fortunately pg sister cam eto the rescue.

Whether you have dp's there is purely personal I would have thought, different relationships function differently. I'd have panicked though, being shy and needing an advocate. Dh DID have a purpose, he wasn't at a loose end and enjoyed the experience immensely.

There were pros and cons to having my DH present. I was induced, and spent a lot of time turnabout with DH on the gas, and I thought he was hogging it .

Still, when I really needed pain relief and action from the MW's....I could hear DH down at the nurses station yelling "Where's the Pethodine and where's the Obstetrician!!!!" and it seemed like a mw literally came running in to stick a needle in my bum

I had DH with me for birth of DS (1st child) and both mother and MIL waiting outside!!!!

However for DD, I told DH to go home (I knew it was going to be long labour and I wanted him to be there for DS when he woke up)

DH came back next morning and stayed until the point when things started happening and he left the room. We had agreed this in advance as I was quite comfortable and happy to be on my own.

Echoing what one poster about "being left to get on with it!", I felt that I wanted to focus on the birth on my own without worrying about the expressions on DH's face (worry, concern etc).

It worked well for us although the midwives did keep repeatedly asking if I was sure I wanted to be on my own.

MoM,that is outragous.
Did you make a complaint afterwards?
I would have read every one of the bitches' nametags and logged them.

I planned to - and that's not the half of it (I left out the really bad bits) but once we actually got ds1 safely out of SCBU and home, I just wanted to get on with being mummy The worst thing was having DS2 in the same hospital 2 years later and seeing a lot of the same staff. That was rather chilling. But it went somewhat better, thank God. I don't know what charm school midwives' training comes from , but it needs tweaking IMHO!!!

MoM on your behalf. did you find the energy to complain?

at mws' charm school...!

although my ims were wonderful.

if I have this 3rd baby at home as planned I imagine dh will actually be looking after the girls while I grunt and bellow with the midwives in the bedroom. Doesnt bother me at all (or him)