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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

do fathers have to be present at the birth?

118 replies

CarolinaMoon · 22/01/2006 14:46

I was intrigued by a comment about this from a trainee MW on another thread.

My dp freely admits he found my labour very stressful - probably more than I did, if only because I was asleep with an epidural for the last few hours, while he was sitting listening to ds's heartbeat on the monitor. He could hear ds's heart rate slowing down and see the MWs exchanging looks with each other, all of which I was oblivious to, and of course there was nothing he could do about it.

What do you reckon?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Dinosaur · 23/01/2006 12:45

MoM that's terrible!

batters · 23/01/2006 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

compo · 23/01/2006 12:47

I think it should be up to individuals to decide. I would be quite happy if my dh didn't want to be there. I would prefer him to stay at home with our ds really instead of his mother or my mother having to come and stay (they both live miles away) and being on the edge of their seat at home waiting for news. But dh 'loved' ds' birth (even though he fell asleep in the chair a couple of times!). He didn't get squeamish at all and saw everything - eek!

hellsbellsdownunder · 23/01/2006 12:52

Dh was there for birth of both our children - but in hindsight shouldn't have been. First time he was not really much help to me and he didn't like being there. Second time went to NCT classes with me - reluctantly - and I should have taken the hint. Gave him the option to not be there but by then he was kind of committed to it.

Dinosaur · 23/01/2006 12:55

DH was there for all three of ours but I also had a doula for DS3, who was fab. If I could only choose one, I'd choose the doula .

Original poster

CarolinaMoon · 23/01/2006 13:09

MoM, that is terrible - on your behalf.

OP posts:

pupuce · 23/01/2006 13:14

Snafu, what did you mean whjen you said this ? Odent has done some work on fathers in the delivery room (perhaps unsurprisingly he's not too much in favour of it).

As a doula I work with and without dads... so I see both sides... The mum I am on-call for at the moment is having a homebirth and dad really wants to see the end (delivery) but prefers to stay away for the rest... last birth really was NOT pleasant for him to say the least.
And my last postnatal client (I wasn't at the birth) - when I asked her DH how did the birth go (bear in mind it was her 3rd child) her replied " horrible".

Personnally I would not force a man to be there if he is not comfortable as it can be quite counter-productive. If he wants to be there then I am completely supportive (and if I am there too, we make a fab tean )

chipmonkey · 23/01/2006 13:18

My SIL has always had her dh there but nearly floored him when when complained that she was "hurting his hand" when she was gripping his hand in the throes of labour!

Original poster

CarolinaMoon · 23/01/2006 13:23

Pupuce, do you find men are surprised by the reality of birth? I feel a bit guilty tbh for emphasising the "naturalness" of birth iykwim to DP beforehand. I ended up with a cs for failure to progress after 50hrs of labour, and it was a bit of a for both of us that it hadn't been more like the "average" birth (if there is such a thing).

OP posts:

pupuce · 23/01/2006 13:24

I think men and women are surprised by the reality of birth!
I think we are culturally brain washed on birth being difficult and painful but that's another thread

pupuce · 23/01/2006 13:25

Were you induced ? And were you 9cm when you had your section?

MrsBigD · 23/01/2006 13:26

haven't had time to read it all but here's my 2pw

DH came to hospital for both kids. However, he's VERY bad with needles etc. so for dd my mum was there too. As I needed emergency cs my mum came in with me and some midwifes gave dh a hard time because he didn't ... well they would have had another patient as he would have been out cold in a sec!

For ds I had planned cs so organised my friend to come into OP with me. Though dh waited all the while to 'welcome' ds when we got wheeled out

BudaBabe · 23/01/2006 13:26

Mine wasn't there for the conception but was for the birth! DS is IVF and on the implantation day DH was in Australia!!!

Original poster

CarolinaMoon · 23/01/2006 13:29

Pupuce, labour started spontaneously - I got stuck at 6cm for hours so they started a syntocinon drip - 8 hrs later I'd got to 9cm and ds's head hadn't descended at all, so off we went to theatre for a section.

OP posts:

moondog · 23/01/2006 13:30

BB what is it like when they put the fertilised egg back in?
Does it feel momentous and emotional??

(God,it must have been exciting!)

BudaBabe · 23/01/2006 13:35

moondog - it was exciting and emotional and scary.

Even scarier when doc peeped at me over my legs in stirrups and said "I've put 3 in". "3!???" i said in shock. "What are the chnaces of all of them taking?" "About 5%" he said. "OK but you're paying the childcare if they do" I replied!!!

From then on it was scary. I was afraid to move in case I dislodged them. My friend was with me and she had been through the same thing a year earlier at the same clinic so she was great. I was staying with her and she just looked after me.

pupuce · 23/01/2006 13:36

shame
Did you have an epidural with the drip?

Meanoldmummy · 23/01/2006 13:38

Budababe - how lovely That's really cheered me up!!!

Original poster

CarolinaMoon · 23/01/2006 13:41

ooooooh yes

I was shattered by that point and not in any mood for unnecessary pain. They tried giving me the max dose of syntocinon and it produced one continuous contraction, so I'm quite glad I didn't feel that tbh.

I'd had at least 4hrs of no progress while walking around, squatting etc, so didn't think it would affect progress (is that why you're asking?)

OP posts:

Dinosaur · 23/01/2006 13:42

Meanoldmummy - not anything on a par with your experience, at all, but I remember when DS1 was in SCBU and he and I were staying in a sideroom off the main SCBU and NICU section, I wasn't allowed to leave him in the room to go and fetch my meals from the postnatal ward (obvioulsy) but the midwives in SCBU moaned about me asking them to "babysit" for him! I never figured out what I was supposed to do - starve perhaps?

pupuce · 23/01/2006 13:42

Well... I'm thinking possibly epidural (and therefore you on your back) would not necessarily help the baby come down... they sometimes do and they sometimes don't.... it's really difficult to say and much easier in hindsight to comment

Original poster

CarolinaMoon · 23/01/2006 13:45

I sat up actually . Although lying back for IEs and then sitting up again eventually made the epidural fall out, so wasn't such a great idea - I now know why you're supposed to stay lying down .

OP posts:

Hausfrau · 23/01/2006 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meanoldmummy · 23/01/2006 14:01

Slightly "off track" - but I must say I get a little cheesed off by the notion that a traumatic and difficult birth is the result of "brainwashing", maternal expectation/the mother's state of mind. I have some sympathy with the idea that childbirth is over-medicalised nowadays, and I'm all for women taking back control of their own bodies. But there is such a thing as a genuinely horrific, dangerous and excruciating delivery which all the breathing exercises and positive thinking in the world couldn't have averted. Women have been dying in childbirth for as long as they have been having babies. I think there is a slight danger of simply putting more pressure on women - I certainly went through a period of feeling like a failure after my first delivery. Not least because I was made to feel as though by wanting my husband's support I was being a clingy dependent woman.

Sorry to harphijack over I promise!

moondog · 23/01/2006 14:15

Know what you mean MoM. I saw childbirth rather as I would learning how to yodel.I wouldn't be pretty,dignified or particularly skillful in that department either,but would give it a go and come out with some sort of a result.

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