DH wants VB I want a CS - how much did you consider partner wishes re birth

[namechange100]

Sorry its long thanks for reading - skip to questions at bottom if you like!

With DS1 I had an EMCS as he was breach and 13 days overdue when discovered. It has took us a year to conceive - im only 8 weeks now and just had my booking in visit with midwife yesterday. MW asked as I had a CS last time would I like a CS this time, I felt so relieved as aside from getting to the first scan to see if all well (had a missed miscarraige last year with empty sac). The only reason I can give is that a CS is what I know, it is planned and is a procedure with start and finish - I have a simmering fear of all the what seem to me horror stories of labour and birth from friends and what i have read - I was so relieved when the MW said this i was teary.

NOW...bring on DH ... he has previously said he thought we 'missed out' on hospital run, labour and birth. Last night he said in a 'bullish' manner that he deserved to have an opinion and he thinks a CS has far too many risks.

My reply was he is talking about something he hasnt looked up and compared, when he has done so we will discuss further and I did throw in 'it is my body' - He looked up and quoted some stuff including about potential death.

I stuck up for myself and said to leave me alone (as feeling crappy plus have cough cant take anything for) and went up to bed. DH did make several attempts before I accpeted apology and he immediately said sorry again this morning. This is the first big disagreement for ages. I was hurt he would have a go like this when I feel so crappy.

I think his timing and approach to air his opinions was wrong - he has apologised for this and I have accepted it

But I wanted to know how much do other women tak into account their partners/family members wishes re birth choices?

I feel he should support me and not make me feel under pressure to do something I am not comfortable about - he has said he wont do this, I think maybe some of this is related to the fact that he really didnt like it seeing me cut open last time and maybe this sticks in his mind?

Or am I being to quick as it is so early in pregnancy.

DH wanted the opposite, he wanted me to have another CS as that is what he knew, risks of VBAC etc etc. I wanted a homebirth VBAC.
He was adamant that he did not want me to have a homebirth and after a lot of discussion he admitted that he was terrified of something going wrong and would be panicking, so would not be able to support me properly through worry (too much reading the books on his part)

I had a VBAC in hospital, he was fab, there was still a risk BUT he felt safer as we were in hospital and as such was really supportive.

SO I chose the method of birth, he chose the location.

He feels he missed out? I can't get over that.

When dh was worried about my impending cs, it was because some idiot at his work was describing all the gory details. Apparently, said idiot said that they take the stomach out. I had to get mw to explain what actually happens.

A loving husband wouldn't dream of upetting his pregnant wife because he feels he missed out.

iron tablets in his food

That's the spirit, Tiggersreturn.

I just read your post again OP, and I'm wondering why you haven't punched him yet.

THANKS TO ALL Oh oh! the opinions have got stronger and more errr forceful - by the power of MN an all that.....

I will standby 'my body, my choice' and any decisions related to my choice of birth that are less pertinent I will gladly listen and be prepared to take on his POV.

Got to say Mathanxiety he is pretty good domestically, he did have all the more or less covered last time cept I cooked freezer meals - he's alread ironing his own shirts now - we currently have traditional roles, previously equally shared all.

tiggers iron tablets grest stuff
Trina thanks very much for the link very useful.
Ilythia yes I think his fear of the gory bits is behind this

he missed out he did say this in the past and he didnt use it as part of his argument currently but did get my back up nevertheless.

As I have tried to explain further up, the MW brought up the birth and just said matter of fact would you like a CS this time as well? I wasnt expecting her to ask but the relief I felt was significant and I didnt realise this was 'going on' at some level as I have enough worry about getting to first scan. I now realise it relates partly to

a)its what I know
b)I had a postive birth experience with first CS so why wouldnt I want to repeat that
c)fears relating to complicatons of VB - older mums/articles there is a postively terrifying thread on here at the moment I had to stop reading

I honestly think DH would find hours and hours of labour/false alarms and final birth just as scarey.

DH has just offered to meet me for lunch as having a bad day today, he is very busy and is a rare treat - he's not a bad DH just a knobish ideas about MY BODY!

I'm glad you're still finding it broadly positive and helpful (I was starting to wonder if we were going to get cries of "He doesn't respect you! Leave him!" before too long!), and that you're DH seems to have twigged that a bit of supportive behaviour would be a good idea :)

I think I'd also be p'd off by the "missed out" comment - but I am wondering if he made it after going out with a group of men. Just as some women seem to get into competitive childbirth stories, so I think some men can go down the competitive "I was a hero because I had to take my wife to hospital 15,000 times while she was in labour, carrying her 3 miles over rough icy ground with bare feet..." stories (conveniently ignoring how scared they probably were while driving the 1 mile once...). We build relationships through having shared experience, and he can't share that experience - so in that context he did "miss out". I'm speculating wildly now (and even though I can play devil's advocate till the cow's come home, I still don't think it was a very wise comment to bring up to his wife!) so I'll shut up

Sorry but I didn't even discuss this with my DH! It was my body. I did go VBAC route, but it was my choice. If my DH had expressed an opinion (other than when asked for as I tried to weigh the pros and cons) it would have made making a decision harder, and me very cross.
The only way I would say that either of us would interfere in the decision of the other on health issues is if the other was taking unnecessary risks.
So if your DH had pointed out the extra risks associated with ELCS over VBAC, then that would be fine. But to say you should do VBAC because he felt "cheated" of the labour experience.....Well my DH would expect the air to turn blue. He has put up with all my labours, despite being extremely squeamish, and hating needles (he was very careful where he looked when I had my CS).

given you have to physically and mentally give birth,its womans call
this isnt some fluffy multilateral decision. and he isnt the patient - you are
itsa bit like you telling him you want him get dental work analgesia free,and expecting him to conform to request

do however discuss school,nursery, division of tasks