DH wants VB I want a CS - how much did you consider partner wishes re birth

[namechange100]

Sorry its long thanks for reading - skip to questions at bottom if you like!

With DS1 I had an EMCS as he was breach and 13 days overdue when discovered. It has took us a year to conceive - im only 8 weeks now and just had my booking in visit with midwife yesterday. MW asked as I had a CS last time would I like a CS this time, I felt so relieved as aside from getting to the first scan to see if all well (had a missed miscarraige last year with empty sac). The only reason I can give is that a CS is what I know, it is planned and is a procedure with start and finish - I have a simmering fear of all the what seem to me horror stories of labour and birth from friends and what i have read - I was so relieved when the MW said this i was teary.

NOW...bring on DH ... he has previously said he thought we 'missed out' on hospital run, labour and birth. Last night he said in a 'bullish' manner that he deserved to have an opinion and he thinks a CS has far too many risks.

My reply was he is talking about something he hasnt looked up and compared, when he has done so we will discuss further and I did throw in 'it is my body' - He looked up and quoted some stuff including about potential death.

I stuck up for myself and said to leave me alone (as feeling crappy plus have cough cant take anything for) and went up to bed. DH did make several attempts before I accpeted apology and he immediately said sorry again this morning. This is the first big disagreement for ages. I was hurt he would have a go like this when I feel so crappy.

I think his timing and approach to air his opinions was wrong - he has apologised for this and I have accepted it

But I wanted to know how much do other women tak into account their partners/family members wishes re birth choices?

I feel he should support me and not make me feel under pressure to do something I am not comfortable about - he has said he wont do this, I think maybe some of this is related to the fact that he really didnt like it seeing me cut open last time and maybe this sticks in his mind?

Or am I being to quick as it is so early in pregnancy.

My partner was very anti a home birth for my second baby - the first was really quite horrible birth. I have to say I ignored him. And I have never once regretted that. (And in fact he was v happy about a home birth once it had actually happened.)

Your partner, btw, has been looking at the wrong stats for C-sections. Crash C-sections carry the greatest risk of all births. Planned ones are very safe. Not as safe as v straightforward vaginal births - it is an op, after all - but you aren't guaranteed one of those (nobody ever is) and after your first experience, you've every right imo to decide you really do not want to go through all that again. (And I speak as someone who made v different birthing choices!)

Well, the difference is that the partner doesn't even have to be there if he doesn't fancy it....it isn't his vagina, perineum or uterus involved!

No he doesn't have to be there very true.

Not his vagina, perineum or uterus but it is his baby surely that has to make him of some importance though?

What ShoutyHamster said. It is your body, therefore, you are the ultimate decision maker here. Stick to your guns.

Thanks - ive read that article pip

It is hard I do think I need to respect his opinions BUT do feel it is my choice.

Mistake/Correction to OP I think I have incorrectly referred to my first birth as a EMCS thinking 'M' stood for medical' I was 13 days overdue, a scan discovered DS in breach position, I was offered the turning thing then inducement, I opted for a CS which took place the following day, so we had 24 hours to get our head around it and it was fine, the surgical team were great, after care great if a little noisey!

if he doesn't support you 100% in whatever you decide, i'd suggest that he stays home with your eldest child. Childbirth is too extreme an experience to have a bloke by my side who feels 'entitled' to an opinion...

he can only request a VB when he has a vagina IMO.

You know your H better than we do - do you think he is acting out of genuine concern ie worried that a CS is riskier than VB? Or does he have a general tendency to make it All About Him?
It isn;t wrong for him to air his concerns, and it's not a bad idea for both of you to do some research, but the bottom line is: he doesn't get to override you, you are the one giving birth so your wishes take priority.

I don't see how having an opinion reflects on the % of support he will give.
Think I am in the minority here so rather than turn this into debates I will make this my last post.

Good luck with your birth and new baby.

How would you prioritise then, nunnie?

'He wants a VB' really? Then let him have one, let him conceive, carry a baby for 9 months and then birth it 'naturally'.
If you've had a CS ou can go down the VBAC route but the staff will want to monitor you lots and if you are this worried about it so early in your pregnancy what is the real likelihood that you will have a complication free, intervebtion free labour?
motherinferior makes a good point re: elcs and safety stats.

Tell him the day he passes a watermelon without pain relief is the day he gets to choose. Sure he can voice his opinion, but it is your body. If he wants to see a VB tell him to watch one born every minute.

nunnie - should have elaborated - least important in terms of the baby, the mother, or the father.

As I said, he should of course be able to voice his fears/hopes, air his opinion. But to have a casting vote in what physical risk his wife chooses to take? No!

As others have said, there are only two people out of the three actually undergoing this birth, with all the attendant risks to life and limb that that entails. Whereas the father, should he so choose, could sit out the arrival of his new child in the nearest pub.

It's not fair, but that's biology. Same as it's not really fair that OP is looking at either surgery or giving birth before she gets to meet her child whereas her husband isn't. No physical risks or potential trauma for him to face to get to be a dad.

As is said so so often, the birth is the ONE TIME where what the mother says goes. No discussion, no 'fairness', no argument. Because that is quite simply the safest way to start out along the road of getting the baby here safely. A supported woman is more likely to give birth well. A woman under pressure or unhappy with her situation is less likely to be equipped to do so.

A good father and birth partner recognises this, that his most important role is to support and put his own feelings aside. To recognise that this is NOT about him.

"Missing out" on the whole hospital run drama is a shit reason to go for a VBAC. There are lots of good reasons to do it, if you want to and your medical advisors agree the risks don't outweigh the benefits.

An ELCS is an entirely different matter to an emergency CS after labouring.

I agree that if you were proposing freebirthing at home with your DH as your only attendant then he would have the right to say no. Apart from that mad situation, he has no rights at all.

"We missed out on the 'hospital run' "etc etc.

It sounds like he feels he missed out on the excitement/drama of you going into labour, dashing to the hospital at a random time. The enjoyment from relating the drama of it all later etc. Is he factoring in your fears and worries and pain here ?

If you don't feel that you personally missed out on anything in particular that you'd really like to experience then he is basically talking about himself here isn't he.

He is looking to you to provide him with something that he feels he has missed out on and that is self-centred thinking. It's the women that put their bodies through pregnancy and give birth to the babies so it is pretty much down to what the woman feels happiest/most comfortable with, subject to NHS being able to provide that.

I'd be bloody livid. You get to say what risks you take with your body. As a mum you wouldn't take any risks outside of acceptable parameters.

I'm concerned that any risk worries he quotes are a smokescreen for what he probably realises is a foolish/selfish reason for wanting you to try VBAC. The previous thing he mentioned to you was the missing out thing, then he tried to blind you with selective research to get what he wants - outrageous !

Continued thanks, I will be thinking very carefully about POV, but you know this is so clearly one of, if not the last issue where men just do not get to choose, women do have final say. Granted listening to your partner may influence you, but if you not convinced you cant commit your body.

I just remember feeling so relieved when the MW said it was matter of fact an option and I could choose. She also said if consultant was not supportive ater on she would speak on my behalf. Clearly she needs to speak to DH!

Are we talking generalisations or specifics here?

The OP is only 8 weeks pregnant, and her DH has apologised for upsetting her. He's not some brute who is INSISTING she has a VBAC, or threatening to withdraw his support. He's raising his fears and responses - it's better than NOT talking about it surely?

If there were valid medical implications - either to you or to your unborn DC - that you were ignoring, then, yes, he has a responsibility as husband and father to raise them and to discuss them. But that's not what's happening here. If he does feel he has missed out on something, then whilst that should not be a factor in you deciding whether you VBAC or ELCS, it might still really be something that bothers him and upsets him. Just as women who got a different birth from the one they had hoped for and expected can feel a sense of loss, I don't see why Dads can't feel that too. Maybe talking through those feelings together would help. It is possible that part of what he feels he missed out on is that he feels that his script of how to support you only exists for VB and that he doesn't see how he could give you "proper" and "real" support with an ELCS? Maybe discussing that could help. But I'm ahead of things. At the end of the day it's you who has to go through it. It's your body that has to bear it. And it's your body that has to recover from it. So no. He doesn't get a say.

Maybe he doesn't realise that an ELCS is different from an EMCS. Is it possible that he was very frightened by the EMCS and thinks it would be the same for an ELCS?

Well the OP asked rather general questions at the end.

Now, hyopothetically, if the OP were so entirely opposed to a VBAC that she couldn't consider it it and would rather have a termination then 8 weeks isn't too early but that doesn't seem to be the case.

In reality (sorry in advance OP) 8 weeks is extraordinarily early to be making firm choices about the birth, you're hormones are up the spout, you're facing the enormity of the whole pregnancy/birth/baby thing and there are a lot of choices to make in the coming 8 months which suddenly feel huge and pressingly important but really aren't at the moment. You are right that his timing is wrong. At this stage he should have shut his trap, told you that he would support you no matter what and once everything has sunk in then tried to discuss it calmrly and rationally. Possibly once the early pregnancy feeling of general bleurgh has passed. The baby got in, the baby has to get out somehow, but the actual method of extraction can be decided upon later once you've adjusted to the fact that there's a baby.

Nothing changes the general principle that it is the mother who decides, within medical reason.

card and frak I did post a correction further up thread re my misuse of the abbreviation EMCS

At 41 wks discovered a breach DS when I was was to be induced, offered the turning thing, I opted for a CS which happended the following day.

I never experienced any labour pains contractions, shows etc.

I saw :) and I still stand by my opinion that a CS planned in advance is a different proposition to psyching yourself up for labour etc. Many women who have to have short notice but not emergency/crash CSs for an undiagnosed breech or something else feel that they've somehow failed, which they absolutely haven't.

In this case, assuming all goes well, you have a choice. You - noone else.

Your body. I think you must do whatever makes you feel most safe and sure of a good outcome. Perhaps your DH was a bit traumatised by the process last time? Maybe when you are feeling better take some time to talk through the whole event of last time and what it was like for both of you.

I think he has a right to discuss it with you if he is genuinely worried about risks involved in a section. However the fact he said he missed the whole emergency dash to hopsital etc- he does know that it's not like the films doesn't he. The emergency dash to hospital, then being told your not in full labour yet and then being sent home and then back again until you want to fecking kill someone.