DH wants VB I want a CS - how much did you consider partner wishes re birth

[namechange100]

Sorry its long thanks for reading - skip to questions at bottom if you like!

With DS1 I had an EMCS as he was breach and 13 days overdue when discovered. It has took us a year to conceive - im only 8 weeks now and just had my booking in visit with midwife yesterday. MW asked as I had a CS last time would I like a CS this time, I felt so relieved as aside from getting to the first scan to see if all well (had a missed miscarraige last year with empty sac). The only reason I can give is that a CS is what I know, it is planned and is a procedure with start and finish - I have a simmering fear of all the what seem to me horror stories of labour and birth from friends and what i have read - I was so relieved when the MW said this i was teary.

NOW...bring on DH ... he has previously said he thought we 'missed out' on hospital run, labour and birth. Last night he said in a 'bullish' manner that he deserved to have an opinion and he thinks a CS has far too many risks.

My reply was he is talking about something he hasnt looked up and compared, when he has done so we will discuss further and I did throw in 'it is my body' - He looked up and quoted some stuff including about potential death.

I stuck up for myself and said to leave me alone (as feeling crappy plus have cough cant take anything for) and went up to bed. DH did make several attempts before I accpeted apology and he immediately said sorry again this morning. This is the first big disagreement for ages. I was hurt he would have a go like this when I feel so crappy.

I think his timing and approach to air his opinions was wrong - he has apologised for this and I have accepted it

But I wanted to know how much do other women tak into account their partners/family members wishes re birth choices?

I feel he should support me and not make me feel under pressure to do something I am not comfortable about - he has said he wont do this, I think maybe some of this is related to the fact that he really didnt like it seeing me cut open last time and maybe this sticks in his mind?

Or am I being to quick as it is so early in pregnancy.

Thanks frak I thought this be the case I can remember coming home and dashing onto MN and asking questions which I never anticipated. I just remember the feeling of relief yesterday when MW said I could choose and so supportive - she said put in notes from beginning just in case. Thre releif I felt caught me off guard too. TBH the CS went very well and being overdue just happy to have DS, it wasnt as bad as early in pregnancy we lost a twin so by comparison it was just a practical procedure we needed to get through.

saffron DH did admit some time later he found it distressing watching the surgery stupid bugger should have stayed top end and I think we need to talk more. He also had anxiety before the birth, only last week he had nausea for three days. I forget how sensitive he can be (I found this out to my utter peril int he past but thats another story) but my body my choice as long as its medically reasonable.

paddy yes I found these grossly insensitive comments (apparently sensitive people can be quite insensitive towards to others)

BTW other clanger DH has dropped in the last few weeks are - well just think namechange100 if you watch what you eat you might actually lose weight during the pregnancy stupid f*er , and if we didnt have pregnancy tests we would know by the fact you bump the car each time.

Just realised I will have to C&P thread as opposed to printing it off as strike throughs wont help my cause. I think I will buy him a book and leave it in the toilet with post it note markers, maybe some underlining in key paragraphs.

Your body your choice as so many others have said.

Also ELCS while more dangerous for the mother is safer for the baby and after losing a twin and a mmc I'd completely understand why you'd want something that will prioritise baby's wellbeing over yours and is more predictable.

How many children are you planning on having? If 2 or 3 it shouldn't make much difference.

Either way your dh doesn't sound like he's considered any of the more important risk points just his own personal point of view. Loads of women having vb don't get the whole labour rush to hospital because they're induced (I was with ds and it ended in EMCS - not pleasant). Plus with a toddler that's a whole lot of stressful logistics to work out and it's guaranteed not to happen at a convenient time. What happens if it's in the middle of an important work meeting that he really doesn't want to miss?

Seeing your wife in lots of pain and being unable to do anything can have most sensitive dhs pretty traumatised too.

As many have said his role is to support and if you're off on some truly loony theory to try and gently bring you back to a more reasonable position without telling you you're being a loony.

If you did want to seriously consider vbac it's worth finding out your hospital policies, success rates etc so you can make an informed decision as a vbac ending in an emcs is a worse recovery than an elcs. Particularly with an active toddler.

Thanks tigger got to admit I did consider logistics in that we dont have any family nearby and DS who is 5, will need to looked after and school runned. I did think of this advantage in that we will be able to plan getting my mother here by train (4 hours away) though I dont know where she would sleep - thats DH on sofa.

Due to my history I have my own set of anxieties which Ive seemed to keep in perspective compared to previous pregnancies and I definately think there is the fear of the unknown, ELCS is more concrete in that is has a start and end (yes with associated risks) and I had a positive experience of it last time.
Maybe its more about reducing my anxiety/control issues which I guess would be better for the baby.

I have thought about myself quite a bit and not 'a baby' I guess I dont feel bonded as I am waiting for the first scan to see if it all really real.

Early days but I am glad we've opened discussion early. BTW We have agreed on some lovely things to do like having a special party when we tell DS and going on a special shopping trip for DS to choose the first outift/blanket etc. All being well cant wait to tell him.

I havnt even ventured onto the relevant ante-natal board till I get the first scan as posting a goodbye would be too much (if that makes any sense?)

Definitely but there's a wonderful freak out room on the conception board for those who have conceived after a mc. I was on this as it took me nearly 2 years after my mmc to conceive again and amazingly it turned out to be twins.

OMG tigger dont you dare say that! I have been musing whether it could be twins, not been sick very much but just feel tightly packed in and had lots of muscular stuff all round pelvis happening, aches and more aches??? - this didnt happen last year. I do have some of the criteria for higher probability of conceiving twins, age, weight, previously conceived non identical, have twins on my side of family.

If you've had a scan already you should be ok (mine were found at a 6 week scan offered by fertility who I'd been under for tests and I was very relieved that I'd know so soon whether there was another empty sac). Saying which I had no symptoms at all in early pg that were different from having ds (who was only ever 1 - I had a scan at 6 and 9 weeks with him) and if anything up until about 10 weeks it was a better pg than with him. Vomiting started at week 10 as opposed to constant nausea from week 6 with ds and there was intense tiredness but I had that with ds. Really bad cramps with ds (hence 6 wk scan) but none this time.

Sorry got confused with your original post. Good luck with the scan! Twins are great!

Well if it is twins I'm guessing he'd be much more amenable to a CS

My gut feel is still that your DH is being painted in an undeservedly poor light here. You do say he's made comments about "missing out" on the hospital run, etc, - but I got the impression that was some time previously NOT in the context of "You shouldn't have a ElCS because I want the drama." From what you say I get the impression you normally have a relationship that's mutually respectful and supportive - which is possibly why you've reacted so badly to his ill placed comment as its so out of character.

My gut feel is still that he was traumatised by something to do with your last birth and had a knee jerk "not again" reaction to what you and the MW said re. planned CS. Yes, he'd have been better keeping schtum for a while - but people aren't always good at that when they're scared. And yes I think he does deserve an opinion and he does deserve to have that opinion respected and discussed. He's the person you've chosen to spend your life with, who presumably loves you and cares for you and wants to keep you safe (as well as any children you might have between you). However, "having an opinion" doesn't mean that his opinion should be law.

I completely agree that the bottom line is that its your body and your choice. I just can't imagine, whilst still in the first trimester, telling my DH that I wasn't even prepared to listen to him or discuss things. That this was what was going to happen and he had to support me regardless of his feelings - which seems to be what some posters are advocating. I would have the final say, but as DH loves me so I love him. Fundamental to our relationship is that we don't run rough shod over each other (except in emergency circumstances where there would be no time for a discussion) - we listen and discuss and try to understand the other's point of view so that a decision can be reached that we can both live with and accept and understand, even if one or other doesn't like it very much and wouldn't have chosen it.

He chooses if he pushes the baby out.

you must do what you feels best to you - in this situation i do not think that his opinion counts
best for you and baby - after discussion between you and your mid-wife - sorry but his opinion has no value
this is silly - but if he were to eat an 8lb animal whole and then shit it out, in 1 piece he would soon change his mind

I didn't push a home birth a dh wasn't comfortable with the idea - but I really felt we both had to be on board for that. In your situation I think I'd make dh watch some birthing videos and then see if his reaction is the same. I'm afraid it's not his decision - giving an opinion in a gentle way but saying he'd support whatever you felt comfortable with is one thing - doesn't sound like that happened so I would seriously be putting dh in his place. That place is to be fully on your side no matter how unreasonable you are throughout pg and birth.

I definitely would listen to what my partner had to say and seriously too. But I would make it clear that at the end of the day it was my decision, because ultimately it is my body.

I have said that I will have a CS next time round as had a pretty traumatic VB with ds. I know my DH would prefer a VB and has concerns re CS but he is behind me 100% because he knows my fears of going through it all again. He wouldn't dream of making me feel bad about it.

I would suggest you both sit and read this together - it's the full pros/cons of birth choices after a section, it's what my consultant gave me.

I personally would love it if my DH would actually form an opinion on what to do, I'm 38 weeks and still don't know if VBAC/ELCS is the right route for me. I'd be thrilled if he (or ANYONE) would just sit me down and say 'do this'.

BUT I don't think your DH's reasonings follow, hence the link. Yes, death is a risk - but even today it is a risk (albeit so so low) with any birth. And driving a car, crossing the road, doing the gardening, walking the dog....

As a tokophobic, I cannot afford to care what anyone thinks. I would advise you to tell your husband about your fears and inform him that you want a CS. Its one thing to say he feels he missed out on the hospital run and all that(?!), but that is a rather silly reason to opt for a VB. VBAC does come with a set of risks just like a CS. Tell your DP that. I can understand your anger at his attitude but please be firm. Do what you want, you are the one who has to go through the CS or the VB. Not him.
I hope you don't mind my saying this but why would he want you to have a VB and go through the labor and all that discomfort? Not that a CS isn' uncomfortable, but I don't get his logi

Sorry, I curse my fat fingers. What I was saying is that I don't quite follow his logic. I personally don't believe men should interfere in this decision. The woman is the one who has to give birth not them. Even if it means upsetting him, please do what you are comfortable with as you are the one who has to do it.

Sorry - I think your partner is being a total prick. He 'missed out on the hospital run'?!?! Oh boo bloody hoo!

He needs to grow up. It isn't his body and he should be supporting your informed decisions.

Your fanjo, your rules

My DP just read this and said "I don't really see it's his decision to make, it's her body"

I agree. I've been through ELCS and VBAC. Got to say I'm scared of either now!

I had an elcs (my choice, it was that or induction). DH has in the past hinted that he feels he missed out - "I'll never see a baby being born in real life now"

I don't care.

Harsh, but I really don't. He likes to feel 'in control' generally and I think it was hard for him to realise that my birth plan was mine, and mine alone.

Tough, I say

I have tokophobia and my ex used to say he wanted to see a baby being born. I suggested he look up the innumerable videos on you tube.
Men can be so ridiculous sometimes They want to see a baby being born? Do they have any idea what that puts a woman through?! Its not entertainment or an "experience". Its bloody painful and hard work. I love how they say they want to see it and then when they see what it is like up close and personal, they get disgusted and stop finding their wives "sexual". They will also be the first ones to complain when their wives get loose vaginal muscles.Fickle bastards some of them.

Hmm. So he's 'sensitive'. is he? That's always another term for 'selfish bellend.' Sorry but he is making crass insulting comments to you and scaring you about how you have to give birth the way he wants you to - he needs a good kick in the cock by the sound of it.

Ultimately My body my choice.

However DH has every right to express his opinion just so long as he realises he has to suck it up and support me whatever I DECIDE.

Im having a HB this time. He was not happy when I first mentioned this but after much talking is been 100% supportive. Just the way it should be.

PMSL. What kind of an idiot are you married to? If he wants the experience of VB then let him do it himself. (What sort of foods are most likely to bring on horrendous constipation?)

This isn't a show you put on for his entertainment. It is a painful and exhausting process by which (hopefully) a healthy and live baby will somehow emerge from your body, and the pair of you will return home from the hospital not much the worse for the experience.

Home, where your H will have cooked and frozen dinners for the family for a month, laid in supplies of every last little thing you will need for weeks, hoovered and polished til you can see your reflection in the kitchen floor, and developed an inspiring ability to colour sort laundry and iron even the most complicated items...

This is tricky (and I add that I have not read the whole thread).

DHs on the whole want what is best for us. However, they sometimes are not great at expressing that, or at taking on board proper research, or listening, or realising that here and now may not be the best point to discuss it.

DHs do also (IMO) have some input into birth choices etc.

I was facing a section for #4 for a good while and DH wasn't happy. Partly because of the associated risks, partly because he can't be here after the birth very much so he worried how I'd cope. He did support my decision though (which was not to accept ECV again).

However, now I'm facing a VB. I have pre-existing conditions which may or may not be made worse my another bad VB (like last time) and if there's any question at all in labour of me suffering more damage he'll be asking for a cs quicker than a drunk asking for a drink!

We have done plenty of research - well I've done plenty and then gone through it with him - and that has helped.

DH has a tendancy to be a little bull headed too but to be fair, he has been lovely recently about the whole birth thing.

I think someone suggested putting a date on another discussion - either get him to do his own research (ideally - but make sure he's researching VBAC not simply VB) or present him with your own. Then see what happens.

Good luck!