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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Not for 1st timers.

57 replies

TheBreastmilksOnMe · 02/03/2011 20:59

Why didn't anyone tell me just how utterly painful, agonising and brutal giving birth really is?

I wanted a VBAC so much, to do it 'au naturell' but half way through I had to question my logic. My God!

Is it possible to become phobic about childbirth after having experienced a relatively straightforward labour and birth?

Does anyone else want to share their shock with me? My DD is 4 weeks old now and I still come over in a cold sweat when I think about it. I really wanted a 3rd child too!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

breatheslowly · 02/03/2011 21:11

Well have a CS again next time (assuming you didn't find that as bad)! I certainly won't be doing that again. I am left with the distinct feeling that if men gave birth then the whole thing would have been resolved by now. I still get the heebie-jeebies driving past the hospital, but I did have a particularly shit time.

DevonDumplin · 02/03/2011 21:17

I'm so sorry you had such a horrible time. Have you looked into getting a debrief, maybe there was a reasoon that you had such a hard time that wouldn't neccessarily be a factor in a future birth?

I really hope it doesn't come to this but you may want to look up 'Secondary tokophobia' it's the term for when these feelings get out of hand and don't subside with councelling etc.

Original poster

TheBreastmilksOnMe · 02/03/2011 21:23

The human race would have become extinct by now if men had to do it breatheslowly .

Devon I didn't really have a horrible time, nothing compared to some people and it was pretty straightforward, ending in a ventouse (my request as I was knackered), a 2nd degree tear and a blood transfusion, but all fine. It was just the level of pain that took me by suprise and the knowledge that epidurals JUST DON'T WORK FOR ME. Didin't last time and didnt this time so I feel a bit panicky at the thought of having to go through it all again without an epi should I want a 3rd child.

It really is something else isn't it? I think I'm just in shock and awe still!

OP posts:

givemespace · 02/03/2011 22:04

maybe consider hypnobirthing next time. Many ppl find it helps with their ability to cope with the pain. I didnt do it, i did prenatal yoga, which is also very very good and helped me get thru a failed epidural. But hypnobirthing helps u to reframe how you perceive pain so thats why i suggested that as well.

Metalhead · 03/03/2011 08:31

I know exactly how you feel OP! All that nonsense about what a 'magical experience' it is giving birth... if your idea of a good time is feeling like you're being ripped in half, then great! I can honestly say giving birth was the worst day of my life. And I too had a textbook labour.

If I have another I'll be going for a CS in all likelihood.

Zoedee · 03/03/2011 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katster37 · 03/03/2011 11:53

TOtally agree. I didn't have a particularly shit time, it was just unexpectedly quick, and I felt v out of control and in sheer disbelief at how painful anything could be without you dying!! I am now 39+1 and sh*tting myself at the thought of going through it again. I lie awake and feel on the verge of a panic attack about the whole thing. My DH said the only way he could describe the whole thing was 'medieval' - he was shocked by the moaning noise I was making, the blood and gore etc, and he has no idea how painful it was! I didn't actually have pain relief as the gas and air made me sick, and the MW didn't believe I was in established labour until a head emerged so maybe that would have helped. Anyway....

EgonSpengler · 03/03/2011 12:21

I'm with you on this one! My wonderful DD is 6 months old and I still shudder at the memory of giving birth. It was fairly traumatic for me - lost 2 pints of blood and badly shredded fanny (painful to have sex still and have occasionally bled even though we're going as slowly and gently as possible!). The whole experience has definitely put me off ever having another baby (I had quite a rough pregnancy as well, which doesn't help). People keep asking if there's going to be another and are surprised when I say 'No chance'. I am tempted to tell them the horrible, graphic truth and then ask them what they would do. I will never, never forget the unbearable pain.

MikeHock · 03/03/2011 12:33

I am not even pregnant, but currently trying to think up excuses as to why I might be allowed to have a c section for the next one.

My labour was long, but it was relatively "normal" if there is such a thing and I didn't need any assistance in getting the baby out.

2nd degree and labial tear.

But I really really don't think I can do it again.

It's not the labour itself, just the damage to my fanjo that I am scared of, and I had a relatively small baby.

MikeHock · 03/03/2011 12:33

Also agree with the comment about being ripped in half - that was the worst bit

MikeHock · 03/03/2011 12:36

katster37 - "I didn't actually have pain relief as the gas and air made me sick, and the MW didn't believe I was in established labour until a head emerged so maybe that would have helped. Anyway...."

I was told on the phone by the midwife to go and have a bath as my cervix would still be closed at this time - on arrival at the hospital 30 minutes later, I was told I was 6cm dilated.

I say always trust your instincts!!

moogalicious · 03/03/2011 12:40

Not sure about 'being ripped in half'. More like shitting a melon.

I have 3 dc's - the first birth was horrendous, but my subsequent births were really positive experiences and the pain was bearable.

CalmInsomniac · 03/03/2011 13:35

I agree with PP about hypnobirthing. You can buy the book on Amazon (Hypnobirthing by Marie Mongan) for about 15 quid and work out if it's for you or not.
I used the techniques, and although I agree pushing another person through your body is brutal, I had a great experience and wouldn't hesitate to do it again. Still think of it with pride/excitement/pleasure 14 months later (and I'm not a nutjob, honest)
It's just the first 6 weeks of having a baby that hold me back from having DC#2!

Lavitabellissima · 03/03/2011 13:41

I'm not sure if anyone can find a link but I temember reading somewhere that a high percentage of female gynaecologists would choose a c section over natural birth.

streetcar · 03/03/2011 13:43

I have to agree OP - it's taken me a good few months to get over DS2's birth, even though it was really straightforward and I was very lucky compared to lots of women I know (just very quick, 3 - 10 cm in 20 mins which meant there was no time for pain relief). Some tearing, but nothing major. But I was in shock I think for a few months from the sheer magnitude of the pain, it seemed completely outrageous to have to go through that. And if I'm honest I think it took me a while to bond with DS2 as a result. After the birth the midwife kept banging on about how 'empowering a natural vaginal delivery' was - I just stared at her in disbelief. I felt really humiliated by how completely out of control I felt with the pain.

Funnily enough, DS1's birth was much easier to get over because I never experienced that level of pain, despite being far more complicated (3 day labour/ induced half way through/ epidural/ episiotomy/ huge blood loss).

However, I definitely feel much better about it now (although not entirely or I wouldn't be reading threads like this) - and could maybe one day in the very distant future consider another DC....

rickymummy · 03/03/2011 18:39

I'm with you too! My first labour was just agony. I remember, in my vague and drugged state two days later, telling a friend that it was WORSE THAN PAIN. I had to throw away all the clothes and toiletries I had in hospital, because they made me feel physically sick, and I couldn't drive past the hospital without retching. Even the hall at home made me feel awful, because that's where I was standing when I was screaming to DH that I needed to go to hospital. It took me 18 months to get over those feelings.

But... second labour, completely different. It hurt, but no where near as much. I actually got to 6cm without anything worse than period pain. Afterwards, I atcually had a real rush and thought, wow, could do that again tommorrow.

elliejjtiny · 03/03/2011 18:40

With DS1 the pain was hideous but I forgot it straight away and only remembered the good bits. With DS2 I was expecting a beautiful magical experience but got a shock as the pain was so much worse than I remembered (DH said I moaned about the same though). I didn't forget how painful it was and went into labour with DS3 with open eyes and it was a really good experience. I forgot the pain straight away that time.

livingstonbach · 03/03/2011 19:26

Totally agree. I had a fairly 'text book' birth, not traumatic in any sense of the word but I still think about it and shudder.

Agree with other posts about being ripped in two.

I also clearly remember giving myself a good talking to just after the birth, saying 'your brain will release some lovely amnesiac very soon so you will forget the horror...don't be fooled!! Don't listen and never ever ever do this again'.

Up on the ward, about 6 hours later, I started talking to DH about the next one....

tubbyglossop · 04/03/2011 15:14

Sort of funny that you label the thread 'not for first timers" and then immediately ask why you weren't told how bad it would be ... why do you think this thread is unsuitable for first timers OP?

I was lucky with my birth experience - I had (from reading mumsnet and various books, and talking to friends) expected it to be agonising and miserable and brutal, especially as it was an induction - but in fact it was all far better than I had expected. Of course the contractions were, towards the end, agonising pain, but between them I was perfectly comfortable - so, it was intermittently agonising but not miserable, and I look back on it as amazing - my body did that! - rather than brutal.

One of the books I read distinguished between "pain" and "suffering" - which I scoffed at at the time, but now totally get. I didn't like it, but I wasn't scared, and I was lowing like a cow and the process was out of my control, but I didn't feel panicked - I was in pain, but not suffering.

Maybe having low expectations helped, not sure. I think the key thing was that I had excellent (mw-led) care and a very straightforward delivery. Had also done a hypnosis cd - hadn't taken it very seriously but perhaps it helped.

Original poster

TheBreastmilksOnMe · 04/03/2011 20:32

Ok. Thanks for the replies ladies. You have just confirmed my feelings about the whole thing through your own expereineces and should I ever develop that brain amnesia (had to LOL at that livingston) and feel the urge for DC3 then I will come back to this thread.

tubby- I would hate for pregnant 1st timers to read this as I wouldn't want to give them the fear when they cannot do anything about it!

rickymum- poor you Then you did it all again!

I WILL NOT DO IT AGAIN.

OP posts:

theborrower · 04/03/2011 21:20

Gosh, I had a CS (EMCS, but not too far into labour at time) and remember thinking that I didn't wish a CS on anyone! Now I'm thinking, do I VBAC for the next one or 'better the devil you know'? Isn't there an easier way?!

BagofHolly · 04/03/2011 21:58

My mum had a terrible time giving birth to me - even though it was textbook and she coped on gas and air. She still doesn't like to celebrate my birthday and I'm now 40. It was one of the many reasons I requested and had a c section with my children.

NoWayNoHow · 04/03/2011 22:14

TheBreastmilksonme, I'm almost 3 and a half years down the line from the birth of DS and I STILL come out in cold sweats.

The worst is all the platitudes - "yes, it hurts, but you forget all about it as soon as you hold your little one in your arms". Do you fuck.

My birth was 44 hours of a living hell in a hundred different ways, and I wouldn't have another child for all the tea in China.

ShowOfHands · 04/03/2011 22:26

DD is 3 nearly 4 and I still have nightmares and flashbacks. I've never forgotten.

The thing is if you do warn first timers that it might be painful and to not be afraid to ask for drugs if you just can't manage it, then you do get told to stop scaremongering and to bugger off. Not all first timers but some just don't want to hear it. You even get accused of bragging.

gloyw · 04/03/2011 22:33

This thread made me remember this article, about women being unprepared for the pain of childbirth -

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7292565.stm

From 2008, so not exactly up to the minute - still interesting, though.

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