Partners having the final say over how women give birth?

[hunkermunker]

I had a waterbirth with DS and am planning a homebirth with the next one. SO many times I've heard "Oh, I'd have loved a waterbirth, but DH wasn't keen" or "A homebirth? DP wouldn't let me do that".

I know that it takes two to make a baby, it's their child as well, etc, etc - but if it's you doing the giving birth, why should how they feel matter to the extent that it overrides the way you do?

Stitch - perhaps she meant that the labouring woman is TREATED as though she's a child, without the wit to make informed decisions for herself... because that certainly is not her status under law

Birthing in water is more old-fashioned than the epidural. My midwife was telling me the other day about Russian women labouring on the shores of the Black Sea... which sounds a bit nippy to me.

But embracing the benefits of modern science means you're not old fashioned IMO.

My dh is very nervous about plane travel. He knows the statistics about plane/car travel, but is totally phobic and would totally panic if I took the kids on a plane. I think he has a right to have a say in what happens to his kids. But not an over-riding one.

I think there is more of a case really when it IS risky to go for a home birth for some reason (e.g. twins), and the mother won't take partner's wishes into consideration. There was a case in our area recently when the mother against all medical advice insisted on homebirth and the baby died . In that case I think it must be terminal for the relationship for the father's wishes (if they had been for a hospital birth) to have been ignored.

ive recently found myself in this predicament/argument with my dp. he thinks that unless im giving birth on my back in a hospital bed then im doing it the wrong way!(hes not in any way an expert on births as hes an electrician and also a first time dad) so when i told him about my preference for a water birth without pain relief/ with gas and air i was surprised when he sneered and said im not having my child born in a bath/pool! i then told him to f@k off and it was my decision at the end of the day and he got a right cob on!! men*!! i think that when blokes manage to carry a baby for nine months and then have to squeeze it out of their bits then they qualify to make the decision on birth procedure!! until then they shoud shut up and hold your hand throughout your choice of birth!!

Harpsichordcarrier, do CAT me if you would like, as I was in a similar sort of situation (not a previous C-section but very nearly, and a ghastly ventouse).

I think there is a difference between listening to the views of people you value and respect, and feeling that birth has to be a joint decision (and, as RZ points out, assuming a 'default option' of 'safest'). As it happens, labour and birth is a subject on which I don't think my partner is particularly informed at all - I had to bully him to read anything about labour at all, and I'm talking the basics 'this is how the baby comes out of its mummy's tummy', practically - so I felt justified in listening to the views of people who clearly did know a bit about it. Including my really rather brusque and not frightfully helpful midwife, who nevertheless burst out in very reassuring laughter when I said DP and his mum were worried I was far too geriatric to take such a momentous obstetric risk

MI - definitely think partner has to be informed! Maybe it's only my dh who is a terminal worrier (though interestingly not about birth luckily for me), and could get really phobic about something he knows to be safe (air travel being the best example).

My partner is so ill-informed about the whole process, it's quite amazing.

tortoiseshell: I think even with twins, one has to question whether hospital birth (which I believe these days seems to mean Caesarean for multiples) is safer than a home birth. However - since it seems that the default position on multiples, breeches etc IS to do a Caesarean, the situation would be made dangerous by having an inexperienced NHS midwife. If, on the other hand, you had the services of an experienced independent midwife with a proven record of delivering said multiples, breeches etc, then the situation may well be different. A Caesarean does, after all, carry risks - not least of raised maternal and fetal mortality in subsequent pregnancies.

Also (and I say this as someone going for a home birth against medical advice) - one has to remember that babies die in hospital too - and without details, one can't assume that the home birth aspect was solely responsible for the death.

When I planned homebirths, I needed to convince dh that it was the safest option for me, so that he wasn't scared for me. If he'd looked at the same research that I did and come to a different conclusion we'd have kept talking. I wanted him to agree because I needed his support, and I value his opinions. And I knew that I was hormonal and he was quite rational...

As it turned out, my babies planned their own exits (neither of them fancied experiencing labour ).

And they made me sign my own consent form for ds' cs. Could have done with being treated like a child and having dh do it for me, at that point.

My consent form for ventouse spelled ventouse wrong. My failure to correct it still rankles.

Well, having read the continuation of this thread, I think I revise my earlier posting. My DP didn't get a say in the birth, but I guess it was probably because I didn't suggest any controversial. I think if I'd wanted a water birth he'd have thought it was up to me. But if I'd wanted a home birth I know he'd have thrown a total strop. (Probably more chance of catching MRSA at our house than in hosp.)

Ds was happy with whatever I wanted. Wish I could have said the same for the horrible midwives. Would have been much happier if I hadn't seen a midwife for dd. Still harbour fantasies about kidnapping and torturing them...ah, happy dreams.

What was your issue with the midwives??

am all for being pc n all that but really. your the one giving birth. so am going to be terrible un pc and say that maybe you should have a little bit of consideration for their feelings , pat their heads, say ahh and then do what you want to do.

You listen to their concerns, then bombard them with facts and figures chosen carefully to support your wishes and villify theirs. Then they change their minds, think it was their idea all along and everyone is happy.

They were vile bitches who left me alone, with no pain relief or even human comfort while I was bleeding and in the direst agony for an entire night before I finally got the caesarian I was booked in to have in the first place. They lied, couldn't have cared less about anyone on their ward and frankly, made the process into such a nightmare, I had panic attacks afterwards.

I hope they all die slow lingering deaths and no time is too soon for me.

Lol Soupy

I think for us, we discussed what DH's main concerns were, and it turned out that it wasn't the birth itself, just how I was a few hours afterwards, so I have promised faithfully to go into hospital if I feel the same way this time.

He seems to have agreed to it now, so I don't have to resort to handcuffing myself to the bed

The more I think about it, the more I don't know what I'd do if he was desperately worried... I still feel that the final decision would need to be what would make me happiest - I am the one doing it, and I need to be most relaxed.

I know that multiples or breech would change the situation - he would be very very very worried, and I think that I would then agree as there are more risks. I would fight like hell to avoid c-section though.

Eek. (Sidesteps tide of vitriol...) Was this for your second one (because I think I remember you had placenta praevia for the first)?

Red Zuleika, I do agree, you have to look at the actual facts - was using twins as an example of a higher risk birth than totally straightforward one. The death I cited was down to the home birth - can't remember the details, but mother was absolutely told what would probably happen before hand, and went ahead anyway. Was a very sad case.

But honestly am really very very pro-home birth having had one, and planning for another!

Thats so sad

Not to be flippant, but I'm surprised she could get a concensus. I've been variously told by different consultants that I'm at higher risk of pph or that I need to be monitored for dvt. That I should be induced at week 38 (now passed) or that induction isn't necessary.

None of which fills one with confidence...

I'm definitely no earth mother, Stitch - just don't fancy being shouted at by midwives who've misplaced their keys on the postnatal ward and loathed being separated from DH overnight after DS was born. And now there's DS to consider too...well, homebirthing makes more sense to me atm.

Plus I don't think there's a pain-relief option I could choose that doesn't come with side effects for me - so access to epidurals, etc don't make a difference to me!

Need to do some more research, but it would appear btw that humans were meant to be born in water. They're the only land mammal whose young are born covered in vernix. Seals are too, btw

MI - PMSL at not correcting the spelling of ventouse! That would rankle here too.

Am I wrong for wondering how they'd spelt it?

Chloe, after I had Ds1 with an epidural my DH said something along the lines of:
"I knew you would have to have one because you have a very low pain threshold"

As it was I'd had the epidural because ds1 was stuck with the cord around his neck and under his arm. His arm was up the side of his head.

Anyway, low pain threshold my arse I went on to have ds2 and 3 at home with no pain relief at all.

Oh, except gas and air for the midwife to do her needle work down there.

He didn't want me to have another homebirth for Ds3 beacause he was nervous about it(he was out for all of my labour for ds2 collecting my mum) so the MW came around and spoke to him about it but untimatley it was my descision. He just had to get over it.