Partners having the final say over how women give birth?

[hunkermunker]

I had a waterbirth with DS and am planning a homebirth with the next one. SO many times I've heard "Oh, I'd have loved a waterbirth, but DH wasn't keen" or "A homebirth? DP wouldn't let me do that".

I know that it takes two to make a baby, it's their child as well, etc, etc - but if it's you doing the giving birth, why should how they feel matter to the extent that it overrides the way you do?

I want to use a birthing pool in the hospital - not decided whther for birth or just labour, Iguess my options are open but DH is dead against it because he is quite old-fasioned. He also says I am being rediculous for not opting to have an epidural because I apparantly don't cope well with pain, which was the first I knew about it . I'd like to see him in labour

I'm not listening to him, though I'm gonna di it my way (I just hope I don't get an "I told you so" when I am begging for the epidural!)

Sorry, chloe, but I'd tell your DH to get stuffed. He has no idea what labour pain is like anymore than you know what it's like to get racked in the groin. If he's that old-fashioned, he can wait in the waiting room and you can select a trusted friend or family member as a birthing partner. Honestly, labour is NOT the time for anyone to be telling you how you should feel about the pain.

I with you expat. You need to put him straight Chloe.

Doesn't Sheila Kitzinger, in one of her books, describe a culture where it was customary for a rope to be tied round the father's genitals, which the mother would then pull on during a contraction...?

Perhaps, Chloe55, you could try this and see who copes better with the pain...?

Just in the interests of scientific research, you understand.

I know expat, my mother will be there for back up for either when DH passes out - the big wuss, or when I am wanting to rip his hair out!

If you think about it, male involvement in birth AT ALL (whether partners, doctors etc) is a relatively modern development. Historically, their opinion would not have been sought or considered.

PMSL Red

When DP squeezes a baby out of his vagina, he gets a say in how I do it. If you ask me. I get really fed up with the 'it's his baby too, we need to reach a joint decision' argument; admittedly, it's helped by the fact my partner knew bog-all about birth. It slightly bothered me that he was vehemently opposed to a home birth but it certainly didn't stop me.

I have the thing of DH not being sure about the homebirth - he's worrying about me being ill afterwards (I was with DD)... I've been going with the theory of I'll have either talked him round, or will be refusing to leave the house, so he'll either have to drag me kicking and screaming to the car, or just let me get on with it

He would never "not let me" do anything - I don't think he's that brave!!!

Chloe please can I come and thump your DH for you?

How dare anyone tell someone else what pain they can handle, and how they should deal with it????

Sat here fuming!

i dont deal well with pain by my own admission, but still managed to give birth to dd with just gas and air to help (admittedly next time i might want pethidin(sp?)

hm - really interesting question, and I am in precisely this situation.
not that dh won't let me hahahahaha I don't think so, but that I want a home birth and havingxplained the risks to him (I had a previous C-section) he is clearly and genuinely uncomfortable with that level of risk. I'm not. However I am conscious that he will be anxious and tbh that will detract from the real benefots (for me) of giving birth at home, i.e. a relaxed atmosphere.
we are still discussing it though, and he is becoming more comfortable with the idea. but at the end oft he day if one partner has a lower threshold of risk then the I think in a loving relationship the other partner should try and respect that.

I suppose an analogous situation might be if he wanted to do something I considered to be dangerous (e.g. rally driving or whatever) then I would expect him to take my feelings into account.

i think, and i may be wrong , but in many traditional societies, it has always been, ultimately the husbands responsibility about where/ how his wife gives birth.

i also remember a doctor friend telling me that her law student sister said a woman in labour is considered a minor legally. that is she doesnt have her usual adult rights during her labour. i mentioned this to a midwife, annd she thought it wasnt the case.

The problem with that, harpsichordcarrier, is that it presupposes that you agree on which situation presents the higher risk. I find nothing comforting in the notion of a hospital birth - particularly not as it's presented in my situation. I feel that I'm minimising my risk of DVT by having an active home birth, not least by minimising the chance of interventions and Caesarean. Luckily my husband and I agree on this - but others carping from the sidelines (relatives) automatically assume that hospital must be the lower risk option.

I think DP would make it difficult for me to do it. Although I don't know how I would feel about a homebirth when I was actually pregnant, atm, I think it is something I would very much like to do. I'd be hoping that with my good old mother to tell him when to butt out and some knowledgable midwifes and doctors to tell him that I couldn't be a better candidate for it (the midwifes told me I should have a home birth next time within 30 mimutes of giving birth! I didn't have much to say to that at the time!) and extol all its virtues to him.

I've never read anything like that, stitch: in most of what I've read about other cultures, men are very much side-lined, away from all the blood and nastiness...

yes, away from it all, but nevertheless, ultimately responsible for the well being of the mother and child.
he decides if she goes to hospital. he decides if she gets expensive painrelief. he decides if she goes back to her moms to have the baby etc.
obviously he tends to listen to other peoples advice ,but he is still the person ultimatley responsible

Also, stitch - in which country are you thinking of a woman being a minor legally during labour? That certainly isn't the case in this country.

For example, legal precedent makes it impossible to section a pregnant woman under the Mental Health Act in order to force treatment upon her - even if her refusal to accept this treatment will lead to the death of the child. The body of the mother is inviolable. And the hospital who performed a Caesarean on a non-consenting woman, having sectioned her under the MHA had to pay massive damages.

In our house its mutual agreement on birth and parenthood - but especially with regards to birth, its my bod, my decision and dh would not have it otherwise

Chloe55, I love the way your DH is "old fashioned" and not keen on a waterbirth yet thinks you should opt for an epidural. Ah yes, the good old "old fashioned" epidural...

I do think the father should have a say in where/how their baby is born though - it is their baby too. A say, however, not the final say.

redzuleika, the law student was studying in manchester. so i assume it is english law. but as i said, wasnt sure about this, coz the midwife i spoke to didnt know about it. and you sound as if you know what you are talking about

sd, im old fashioned as well. and want all the benefits of modern science. no earth mother home births for me.

lol I was just thinking that SD and you posted it.... no pain relief is more old-fashioned that the epidural

perhaps modern traditionalist?

Squatting out in a field is probably more old fashioned too