Partners having the final say over how women give birth?

[hunkermunker]

I had a waterbirth with DS and am planning a homebirth with the next one. SO many times I've heard "Oh, I'd have loved a waterbirth, but DH wasn't keen" or "A homebirth? DP wouldn't let me do that".

I know that it takes two to make a baby, it's their child as well, etc, etc - but if it's you doing the giving birth, why should how they feel matter to the extent that it overrides the way you do?

i decided how i wanted to give birth, not my dh!

Both my babies decided how I was going to give birth - not dh and not me!

lol pg, well you could say its the babies!

SC. I think it does matter what your dh thinks, but not to the point that they would dictate everything about your labour and birth.

I think that sometimes they don't fully appreciate the ramifications of different birthing methods - and the effect they might have on your body.

Which is the point: it's your body and ultimately your (our) decision.

Difficult to do something requiring a lack of stress and a degree of confidence whilst unsupported though... particularly in the face of contradictory and / or scaremongering medical opinion.

Agree that it would be very hard to have the birth you want with an unsupportive partner. But the women who've said these things to me aren't usually so shy and retiring, which surprised me a lot.

I dunno, HM. It's an interesting question. My DH has always respected my person, and that extends to my choices in childbirth.

He's just grateful it's me and not him delivering!

My DH decided of his own accord that he wants to have the snip after this one - our second arrives. It's his body, his choice, and a I fully respect that.

I have always felt that allowing others to make decisions for you is still making a decision.

crikey, I never even asked DH's opinion!

In the case of a homebirth the mother needs the support of the father more than at hospital so if the support of drawn it might force a hospital birth.

I needed to make sure DP knew what sort of birth I wanted as when it came to it I wasn't sure they'd listen to me and needed him to ensure my wishes were met. I'm sure he could enforced his opinions at this stage had he held any strongly.

should be "if support is withdrawn"

My DH doesn't care where or how I give birth as long as I do, he knows that me being comfortable is the main thing, he has however taken to occasionally following me round the house holding my bump saying push, push, pant, pant it makes me laugh everytime and he wiggles his bum when he does it.

My DP didn't want to be present and I didn't want him there. He wasn't interested in reading up on the subject or coming to antenatal classes, so I don't think he could have supported me that well anyway. Consequently I did exactly what I wanted, which meant having my mother there with me. She's done it 3 times and I knew that she'd fight ferociously for me if it came to it.
DP turned up 10 mins after DD, and neither of us has any regrets so far.

eefs: only if the mother gives in and opts for a hospital birth...

my dh just told me that whatever would make me more comfortable would be best, i mean if you arent comfortable its gunna be harder, dont think i could ever have a homebirth tho, im a bit 'what if something goes wrong???'

Definitely my choice - he had deep reservations about the last time (tried a vbac in a birth centre, against hospital policy etc etc), but he respected my wishes. When I was screaming, "why f... did I think this was a good idea?", he remained supportive throughout, bless him.

My husband had that conversation with my midwife, but when you look at the stuff they carry with them and the procedures they use, it's no different to the immediate care you / the baby would receive in hospital.

Not to mention the fact that at home you get individual care, compared to one midwife to four women at my local hospital.

Hmm, I do think it's reasonable for the father to have some say - for example if he was really terrified about the safety of a homebirth, even in view of the statistics and being informed, then it might be reasonable to take that into account, because it is his child too. Likewise if there was a risk in having a particular type of birth then I would think it reasonable for him to say if he wasn't happy with taking that risk.

If on the other hand he is just being controlling then no he shouldn't have a say.

Hospital births are always safe, right?!

HM - I had a homebirth with dd, not quibbling about whether it's safe or not, more if a father had a very strong perception of it being more risky, so much so that it becomes a phobia then perhaps it should be taken into account.

Yes, sorry, TS - not having a go at you. Just getting a little bit of (totally handleable by me ) heat in RL atm for looking at a homebirth (not from DH, btw!).

Oh, no problem HM. Go for it - mine was fab!

My dh and I argued extensively over birthing plans for number 3.

It was massively divisive and damaged our realtionship. In fact, it took years and ten session in Relate to recover from.

If women can't have the final say on this then when the F can they?

I can't remember whether dh took much persuading tbh (he is a total convert now!), but I think I would respect his wishes if he really felt strongly - it's his baby too.

My dh wouldn't have had a hope if he'd tried to interfere in any way

he wouldn't anyway - pretty obvious it's up the one giving birth isn't it?