5 year old reactions (and eating)

[tvpodcastsmovies]

My 5 year old is quite typical in most ways, I think. She can be reasonable, and can have outbursts which I thought would have passed by now, but tonight’s was extreme, and I’m worried by what she said.

She takes ages to eat, and it’s annoying me a lot. Sometimes she will refuse for ages to try something new, or eat something a bit different, and then when she tried it, she likes it. Are dinners are mainly:

pasta with pesto (pistachio or basil)
quinoa with roast veg and tofu
curry with rice. Not at all spicy
orzo pasta bakes with cherry tomatoes and tofu
udon or soba noodles with veg
pasta with roast veg and seitan sauce.

we do these dinners on rotation so once or twice a week, when it’s curry or quinoa, it’s just painful. “X please can you eat “ etc etc. takes ages and just delays everything. Eventually someone spoon feed her usually and I just hate it. I decided tonight there’s no more dessert if there is a battle at dinner. I’m too tired of it. She was so angry at the thought of no dessert, which is usually yogurt and fruit, that she started hitting her head, crying, and saying she wanted to die. I stopped her, calmed her down quickly, and she ate. No dessert tonight but this reaction was shocking.

i just don’t know what to think or do! I’m not changing what we cook, and we’re not giving her pasta every night as she would ideally like. She loves tofu and most vegetables, but not so much in a curry. She will however eat it if push comes to shove and a good puddingpudding is up for grabs. We have bribed her before with chocolate or mango yoghurts. But I don’t want to do this anymore. I just want a normal dinner time. Also worried that the one year old will start to copy either the extreme reactions or the reluctant eating.

Sorry for the typos. Ugh

Off the bat gonna ask, are all of these meals vegan? Where is the meat?

How would you feel if you had to eat tripe and onions every Tuesday
And eel pie and mash with the green liquor every Thursday.

Yes we are vegan! Not sure why that’s relevant, but I suppose it is for some people. she loves hummus and beans too, the beans are usually added to some of these meals and we make hummus, so it’s on the table most nights with veg. That’s not the problem. She could eat veg, tofu, hummus all day, but it’s more substantial meals that are the problem.

breakfast is always great. No issues. Porridge with chia seeds and other seeds, nut butter and fruit. Zero issues.

A bit obvious but try doing different dinners. I'm guessing you are vegetarian - what about pizza, fajitas with bean filling (or quesadillas), jacket potato with cheese and beans, homemade soup and bread, salads, some different pasta sauces.....
I would be bored if I had the same food every week. And you give her the same thing more than once a week e.g. tofu.
Put a selection of dishes in the middle of the table so she can try a bit of each but have more from the ones she likes.

Some say don't make pudding a 'reward' for eating dinner - but allpw your child a small amount irrespective of what else they eat. I always said bo pudding if you don't eat your main - but I didn't really have picky eaters. My daughter has got more selective now she is older- I just ask for a bit of everything to be eaten and serve very small portions - she can ask for more if she wants it.

You're being excessively controlling. This approach will lead to constant battles and food issues.

You need to dial it back really quite a lot, and have a think about where your need to control her food is coming from.

She needs more freedom to make healthy choices for herself, it's decades out of date making children eat food they don't like.

i am also not worried about her growth, as she is tall and v healthy weight. But it’s just a constant battle unless it’s some kind of pasta, or a plate of her favourite tjings. She adored beetroot, and avocado so we always give her a side plate of this. She does eat healthy food, and treats too of course, but I want her to eat cooked meals.

Just seen your update - maybe she has filled up with veg and houmous and isn't hungry?
What time do you feed her? When .
mine we're young they were ravenous after school - so if I could have main meal ready early it helped e.g. 5pm latest. I ate with the kids and then hubby ate later when home from work - we all ate together at weekends.

Maybe she doesn't want to eat vegan cooked meals.

I had .kid with ARFID, you feed them what they'll eat. You might have to unclench a little bit or her food world will end up smaller than it is now. Take the pressure off.

It’s the time she’s taking to eat that is the problem… and the reaction to me saying no dessert tonight that worried me.

Assuming these meals are all vegan, you need to give your kids meat. I know you think it's wrong, meat is murder, etc - that is your thought process, you decide what you eat. Your kids should make the decision for themselves whether they want to be vegan or not. They will hate you if you push it on them.

Your DC probably doesnt want to eat this food because, in the least offensive way possible, it doesnt sound too appetising, especially to a child. The fat and protein provided by meat is what your child's body is craving. Its craving nutrition. You need to feed them meat. Im sorry but I will say it as many times as is necessary.

Im not saying you have to only feed them meat, but introduce it to them. It would most likely stop your refusing to eat predicament.

Would like to add, my son is the same, and he has autism. Takes literally about an hour or two to eat ANY meal, but doesnt refuse to eat it. He just gets distracted. Does your daughter get distracted too, and thats why she takes a long time? Or is she sat at the table, plate in front of her, not wanting to eat the food in front of her?

That dessert / pudding is the only thing she looks forward to, and taking it away as punishment for not liking what food you give her isnt the best way to go about it. I know your at your wits end, ive been there with my son. But perhaps going forward, try new meals (containing meat!), see if she likes them. She may eat it so fast that boom, your problem is gone.

If it doesnt change anything, consider other possible causes. Im not saying she has autism or any other condition, just that it would be highly mindful of you to take that into consideration - especially with the head hitting, verbalisations, etc.

Would like to add that you've highlighted she doesn't have an issue with sugary / carby foods (pasta, fruit, yoghurt, porridge), because they contain sources of actual energy. Vegetables just dont. They are low calorie, they are not nutritious enough to be the main part of a meal.

Im sorry of this sounded bitchy at all, I really didnt intend it to. Just please feed your kids meat, they need it. I wish you the best OP, I know how it is.

You're being a bit controlling and the only control she has over you is to not to eat at all. I'd really have a rethink about your approach.

It doesn't matter how long she takes as long as she eats.

She definitely doesn’t want to eat meat, if that’s what is implied! Finds the idea odd as she has never had it. So I won’t force her to eat that…

we do eat quite early as she has busy days and I need to get her to bed early to deal with my one year old. So 5:30 usually. I don’t think that’s the issue though. She may be filling up on veg and hummus, but I give it alongside the dinner so if I see her eating too much of it I do redirect her to her meal

I would definitely be mixing it up and adding more variation in your meals but I think so far you’re doing great. She will probably grow out of it with some encouragement.

DH is a picky eater and we were determined not to let that happen so LO has basically never eaten anything plain or beige as to not grow fond of it. I definitely still have to remind her that we don’t have all day sometimes though.

We eat similarly to you but trying out new recipes all the time so there is no predictability or boredom, also cooking together to get her involved might help?

Resistance and distress are common responses to unhealthy food control from parents.

You are creating the problem.

This. I’m not changing what we cook. why can't you try other things. You say she annoys you a lot as she takes her time and you end up spoon feeding her which you hate. I expect she is picking up on your stress. You are making dinner time stressful. You need to take a more relaxed approach.

Definitely don't spoons feed her. Give her a time to eat and take it away at the end. She will eat if she wants. Don't tell her off if she doesn't eat. Don't make it a battle.

Yes, I think taking a more relaxed approach is definitely needed. There’s a lot to do in the evening and the time pressure is a bit stressful. Being more relaxed is definitely something I need to do. She eventually eats, it just takes ages.

like I said, we don’t eat meat. She doesn’t want to eat meat!

I would suggest, given that your daughter eats healthily and enjoys many vegetables that most kids don’t, let her eat all the pasta she wants and allow her to grow into other foods. No point forcing it or she will come to resent or fear dinner times.

also all the comments about this being a vegan issue are just nonsense. Ignore them (that’s coming from a meat eater).

Good advice. Thanks. When I have done this in the past she has then said, oh actually I will eat it. And then proceeds to eat at a more normal rate. I find it hugely frustrating she sometimes won’t eat at a normal rate from the beginning

"we’re not giving her pasta every night" why not though? @tvpodcastsmovies

She certainly eats a varied balanced diet but you seem to have decided that

"you want her to have a cooked meal and
I don’t want to do this anymore. I just want a "normal" dinner time"

But your daughter is eating, healthily (even if she wants pasta every night) and you're making it into a battleground ergo you are both miserable.

Your younger child may eventually pick up the tension around mealtimes and it's your insistence and fixed requirements that are creating the problems.

Can you see that @tvpodcastsmovies?

eta; more recipes

She finds it odd BECAUSE shes never had it. She doesnt want to eat it because YOU dont want her to eat it, and have never even given her the choice. Please dont be ignorant to how your own views have influenced her own. I know its hard, but you need to encourage her to try a meal with meat in it. Its parental choice what they feed their kids etc, yeah, but when it comes to extreme dieting, you dont play with kids. You dont impose it on them.

My ex forced a certain type of diet onto me, and was so controlling about it i developed a secret eating disorder to regain control over what I ate. The whole ordeal had a horrific impact on my health and mental health, and still does to this day. Please please please do not do this to your kids, or anyone. Its easy to think you arent doing that by telling yourself "you just want whats best for them" - sometimes you do not know what is best. Sometimes what is best is to let them make their own choices, regardless of how you feel about them.

She is already hanging onto yoghurt and fruit (sugar). It will get worse if this continues OP.

There’s a lot to do in the evening.
What are you doing in the evening.

A more relaxed approach would be:
Let her put what she chooses on her plate
Let her eat the amount she wants
No nagging, encouraging, cajoling, persuading
No withholding dessert (if dessert is plain yogurt and fruit it doesn't need to be withheld anyway)
Toast always an option if dinner not wanted

Thanks. Yes, we do go for quick and easy dinners as time is an issue. I made a salad the other night and she loved it. Jacket potatoes are a good idea and she loves pizza. We should do this more. Good tips, thanks. I have a feeling fajitas would not be a big hit, but definitely worth a try