My 14 year old daughter engaged in suicidal behaviour last Friday

[Ursulla42]

How do we navigate this?

Came from nowhere and she confessed after breaking down in here dance exams this weekend. Tied her school tie round her neck and hooked on a door hook, stood on a chair but didn't jump.

Took her to go who recommended a load of websites.

Called the school who recommended we complete a referral form for a local community mental health facility who will assess her. Not heard back yet.

She also confessed to one incidence of self harm cutting with a knife though this several weeks ago. She has opened up to is about feeling no one likes her and that she's anxious. None of this noticed by us as she has a nice friend group and doing well academically.

I am sat here lost in a sea of resources that mostly consist of websites with animated videos and "tips" for managing feelings of anxiety.

What should we do. We need a person to talk to,

We feel helpless and lost.

Some good news we got a cahms referral today so we are at least now in the system.

It's a rollercoaster. Had to remove all sharps and wires from her room on their advice.

Appointment with cahms assessor on Monday.

Hi OP,

I’m sorry to hear your daughter is going through this. I’m a mental health nurse with extensive experience with young females display high risk behaviours. In no way attempting to place any blame at your door, it is nevertheless concerning that you didn’t notice any change in your daughter’s behaviour and/ or that she didn’t feel able to come to you. As positive as it is that she’s now been referred to CAMHS, their threshold for sustained input is so high that it’s very unlikely you’ll have much support from them. I’d really recommend just slowing things down and reconnecting as a family. Spend time together, make her feel safe enough to start engaging with you again. Show her that you’re there unconditionally and really work on your relationship.

@Esme20 I am surprised at your reply.

As a "mental health nurse with extensive experience" your first response is to throw an accusation towards us. We are a close family and spend time supporting our daughter through the difficulties of teenage years. But we are not qualified to have known the difference between teenage moods and something much more serious creeping in. We eat together every night as a family, talk, drive her to hobbies, have got to know her friends. We knew there were stresses around exams but did not know her thoughts had turned so dark. She did not share this with us. Mental health is insidious.

We have now spoken with several agencies and not one has spoken to us in this way recognising how difficult our situation is rather than turning aspersions on our parenting.

If you are concerned about how we handle this I am very concerned about your professional attitude towards your clients and families.

@Esme20 I'm also surprised at your reply 🤨 I don't think I have ever read so much shit from a mental health professional

Thank you ☺️

@Esme20 I am also very surprised at your reply given your professional.

@Ursulla42 I am really sorry to hear you and your daughter are going through this. I hope that you manage to get her the help she needs. Just take it one day at a time.

@Ursulla42How can you say you aren't trying to lay blame at their door and then do exactly that? You should not be a mental health nurse.

OP- We've been where you are and frankly CAMHS were useless. They offered a short course in CBT with a long wait list and not much more. What helped us was paying for private counseling and time. DD is now 19 years old and so much better. I think for her it was a reaction to puberty and possibly underlying ASD which has not been formally diagnosed. She still has anxiety but the counselor taught her to manage it.

It's very lonely being in this position and does come out of nowhere as many teens hide their feelings.

• I meant @Esme20

As another MH professional with ‘extensive experience’ I’d advise you to reflect on your post and why you felt the need to apportion blame to someone who is asking for help, when you know nothing of the situation.

OP, your daughter is talking to you which is great and she’s telling you how she is feeling. Spend time with her and validate how she is feeling (by which I mean listening and acknowledging her feelings even if they seem irrational) and helping her name her feelings and understand what’s going on. This helps people to articulate what’s happening rather than keeping it in their head where things always feel more confusing and overwhelming.

There are some strategies to manage distress - zooming out to look at a situation from different perspectives, like a scene being filmed from different angles, can be helpful but is easier to practice when not in the moment of distress. Change the body chemistry, elevate the heart rate - run, do star jumps together, dance in the kitchen together, have a cold shower or wash face or hands with cold water, anything to ‘shock’ the body into a different state. Do something ‘grounding’, a big hug, a physical activity, go outside in the rain or in the garden with no shoes on.

You could try drawing a glass on a piece of paper and writing in it the things which are bothering her (if she wants to do this), then what happens to her when the glass gets so full that it overflows (this will help both of you spot the signs), then think about how to manage the glass - is there anything in there which the two of you could take out? Could you do some things which help her feel good (holes in the bottom of the glass).

The one thing that I agree with @Esme20 on is that CAMHS isn’t always the solution that families hope it is, so I’d suggest caution in your expectations of them (that’s not to say that some people don’t have a great experience of them).

@Ursulla42 am so sorry to hear you're all going through this. Please remember mn always says that anyone can say they're anything online. Hope you get the support soon. Unmumsnetty hugs to you and your family.

@FunIsland just read your glass and things that bother you idea, that is ingenious and something I will remember.

Thank you for your lovely supportive messages. Mumsnet is great for this I really appreciate your support and wisdom.

These posts are also helpful to others going through similar now and in the future so I will update on our experience.

I'm also surprised by the mental health professionals response.

The good thing is she told you when the tie incident happened. She priestly scared herself. It's good that you have a meeting with CAMHs, but don't be surprised if you're offered very little.

Talk to your dd and come up with a plan of what she can do if she starts to have those same thoughts. Eg. Come and speak to you with a key word you can both understand. Look up some breathing exercises you can do together. Get some calming aromatherapy oils that she can put on her wrists. Go for a walk. Have a bath. Agree to no locked doors (open if possible except for short periods like dressing).

Nice bit of parent blaming there.

Anyway,

Moving on from the post that is cleary not been posted by a mental health professional.

The most important thing is not to make a secret or feel there’s any shame around it. Encourage your daughter to be open with the extended family. Sometimes it’s so hard to open up to the ones that are closest to you because you don’t want to upset them. This is why Grandparents, aunts, cousins are so important. Try and arrange time with extended family members all together, spending time with cousins etc she may be able to open up. Other family members may also be able to help, staying over one night, or taking her out to lunch. Supporting yourself and your daughter.

As much as you can, and I know this sounds weird but turn down the emotional volume. Don’t frantically run around, constantly making sure she’s ok (not that I think you will)
Just try and keep everything calm- even when talking to the professionals- try not to appear anxious in that moment. You can always ask follow up questions away from your daughter.

Your kid needs a Captain. When we think of this image, if the ship hits bad waters- we want someone calm, in control, not panicking. That’s your best approach. Even though inside you won’t know what the hell you’re doing and are falling apart. Act your way through it, pretend you know what you’re doing.

Sort out your material and resources you’ve been given. But limit yourself to a set time of day to go through it. Give 2hrs max a day. Don’t let it run away with you.

Keep a scheduled day for you and for her, as a way of distraction and to help things feel in control.

Good luck OP

If you really are a mental health nurse you're an awful one. You shouldn't be advising Op in this way using your professional role to - what? Make your advice more important than other people's when you have no idea what is actually happening apart from what Op has told us?

Op - I hope that you find this thread useful and wish you and your family all the best.

The calmcarry device might help her. A bit like a tens machine you hold in your palm , if she sets on quite a high setting she will get the sensations on her skin that she seems to crave but without any damage.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am sure it’s incredibly frightening for the entire family. While you wait for your referral there are plenty of things you can do. In the meantime could you try to improve her gut health? There is a connection between the brain and the gut. A good probiotic would be a start and then look at her diet. Get out in nature as much as possible. Also a blood test to see what minerals/vitamins she is lacking. If you have the money I would book a few days away in an outdoor environment with no phones to give her a chance to reset and break the pattern of intrusive thoughts. Acupuncture can be excellent too if it’s linked to hormones but I appreciate your child might not like needles.

Hi OP,

I was in a similar situation to you last year, however my DC wasn't too scared to jump and now they are no longer here.

I too am disgusted at the comment by the person claiming to be a mental health professional.

Like you, we were a completely normal family who ate dinner together, talked openly about school/ friendships/ relationships etc. and just were completely blindsided by how intensely our DC must have been feeling. Family, school friends, teachers etc. were all as shocked as we were. It is so so so so difficult to know the difference between teenage hormones and moodiness and despair.

I may have been under the assumption previously that teenagers who killed themselves were a bit different, who had no friends and sat in their rooms alone playing sad music. Not popular, sporty, 'happy' children with bright futures and a loving family and support network. But it does happen and you should not blame yourself.

The best piece of advice I can give is to put them first. I know we all put our children first, but I mean above all else. If you need to give up work, if that means being homeless and being put into a hostel etc. then so be it. I know it sounds mad but you'd rather be in that situation with a child who is alive.

I kick myself everyday for going into work, thinking my DC was experiencing, to me, a normal level of upset after breaking up with their girlfriend. I even jokingly commented at work that day about how I wish I could stay at home but could not dare ring my boss and say I wasn't coming in because my teenager was upset over a breakup. How I wish I had. I put my career first and thought they'd get over it in a couple of days when I could have stopped and put them first. I was worried about not being able to buy them nice things or take them on holiday. Well I can't do that now anyway.

I know that's what you are doing already but I'm here rooting for you to not feel bad or overprotective about doing so, because your children are the most important thing in the world.

Hopefully, she will have scared herself. I truly believe my DC wasn't thinking straight and would have regretted it as soon as he realised it was too late.

@miaoweeee That is heartbreaking. I am so sorry.

@miaoweeee - I am so sorry for your loss

@Ursulla42

books.google.com.cy/books?id=iyBdbJMQBdMC&printsec=copyright&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false

This work book was very helpful for my niece when she was in crisis for distress tolerance/ alternatives to self harm. Not a substitute for therapy but something that may be helpful while you wait to access therapy. I don't find it at all surprising that your daughter was able to conceal her self harm and state of mind from you - that is what those who are suffering from a mental illness do - I have seen this amongst my own peers . I hope your daughter can get the help she needs soon

@miaoweeee I'm so sorry 💐
@Ursulla42 sending well wishes to you and your daughter

I am so so sorry I understand it's normal to wish you had stayed home that day but I hope you 100% know it was not your fault.

@Esme20 fucking hell you cannot be a mental health nurse with that attitude.

Please tell us you were joking. If not, step down from your role and find sometjing else to do. God help any families with you involved in their family member's care.

As someone with history of having mental health support for a family member, I can assure you your attitude is crap, and would be have been absolutely horrendous at a time we needed support.