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Original poster

My 14 year old daughter engaged in suicidal behaviour last Friday

54 replies

Ursulla42 · 17/07/2024 13:55

How do we navigate this?

Came from nowhere and she confessed after breaking down in here dance exams this weekend. Tied her school tie round her neck and hooked on a door hook, stood on a chair but didn't jump.

Took her to go who recommended a load of websites.

Called the school who recommended we complete a referral form for a local community mental health facility who will assess her. Not heard back yet.

She also confessed to one incidence of self harm cutting with a knife though this several weeks ago. She has opened up to is about feeling no one likes her and that she's anxious. None of this noticed by us as she has a nice friend group and doing well academically.

I am sat here lost in a sea of resources that mostly consist of websites with animated videos and "tips" for managing feelings of anxiety.

What should we do. We need a person to talk to,

We feel helpless and lost.

OP posts:
sparkles79 · 19/07/2024 17:55

@Esme20 that was so uncalled for!!

Please OP don't pay any attention to them.

The fact that your daughter has confided in you- that's a great first step.

Wishing you lots of luck with the difficult situation you are in. It's challenging. Children don't come with handbooks, you aren't to know what's normal behaviour and which is a cry for help- which this is.

Fluffycloudsfloatinginthesky · 19/07/2024 17:57

I found out last week my just 13yo had been self harming.

I spoke to a self harm nurse at cahms and got a lot of links.

I spoke to the school and they spoke to her and gave her a plan thing with alternatives and support materials.

There's a local teen MH support place near us and they run a course for parents.

I also hid all knives and scissors.

It doesn't help that she's now shrugging it off and saying she hasn't done it for ages and it's no big deal. (3 weeks)

Orangesandlemons82 · 19/07/2024 18:02

We had a similar situation recently with my 12 year old son. We didn't know either (so thanks @Esme20 we are also obviously shit parents).
We were advised that if he was struggling to find the words to tell us he was feeling bad that we would decide on just one word he could say to us, and then we would know he was finding things tough and he wouldn't have to try and explain it.

FunIsland · 20/07/2024 07:32

DoreenonTill8 · 19/07/2024 09:16

@FunIsland just read your glass and things that bother you idea, that is ingenious and something I will remember.

I can’t take credit for it I’m afraid, we’ve been using it since the 90s but I think the reason it’s still used is that it’s so straight forward is that it’s simple and really helpful.

For younger kids I used to (with my son), do a wall of happiness each night where we would pretend to write on a post it each of the good things he wanted to keep with him and then stick them on the wall, then the things he wanted to let go of we would pretend to put them in a bin and put a lid on it.

I’ve used a similar approach with adults but encouraged them to actually write it down and called the bucket the fuck it bucket.

Can I just say that not all mental health professionals are like Esme, some of us genuinely care!

POTC · 20/07/2024 07:34

@Ursulla42 Papyrus are there for you to talk to as well as your daughter

anothernamechange123456 · 20/07/2024 07:50

miaoweeee · 19/07/2024 17:11

Hi OP,

I was in a similar situation to you last year, however my DC wasn't too scared to jump and now they are no longer here.

I too am disgusted at the comment by the person claiming to be a mental health professional.

Like you, we were a completely normal family who ate dinner together, talked openly about school/ friendships/ relationships etc. and just were completely blindsided by how intensely our DC must have been feeling. Family, school friends, teachers etc. were all as shocked as we were. It is so so so so difficult to know the difference between teenage hormones and moodiness and despair.

I may have been under the assumption previously that teenagers who killed themselves were a bit different, who had no friends and sat in their rooms alone playing sad music. Not popular, sporty, 'happy' children with bright futures and a loving family and support network. But it does happen and you should not blame yourself.

The best piece of advice I can give is to put them first. I know we all put our children first, but I mean above all else. If you need to give up work, if that means being homeless and being put into a hostel etc. then so be it. I know it sounds mad but you'd rather be in that situation with a child who is alive.

I kick myself everyday for going into work, thinking my DC was experiencing, to me, a normal level of upset after breaking up with their girlfriend. I even jokingly commented at work that day about how I wish I could stay at home but could not dare ring my boss and say I wasn't coming in because my teenager was upset over a breakup. How I wish I had. I put my career first and thought they'd get over it in a couple of days when I could have stopped and put them first. I was worried about not being able to buy them nice things or take them on holiday. Well I can't do that now anyway.

I know that's what you are doing already but I'm here rooting for you to not feel bad or overprotective about doing so, because your children are the most important thing in the world.

Hopefully, she will have scared herself. I truly believe my DC wasn't thinking straight and would have regretted it as soon as he realised it was too late.

I am so so sorry. You sound like a lovely parent and I'm sure your DC knew how loved they were ❤️

Fluffycloudsfloatinginthesky · 20/07/2024 09:19

@Orangesandlemons82

School agreed with my daughter something similar - she would text me a coloured dot. She came home and told me she wasn't doing it.....

WaitingForMojo · 20/07/2024 09:22

Ihopeithinkiknow · 19/07/2024 05:37

@Esme20 I'm also surprised at your reply 🤨 I don't think I have ever read so much shit from a mental health professional

Ditto!

Gymmum82 · 20/07/2024 09:22

Might be worth paying for some private counselling for her if you can afford. You won’t get much help from CAMHS

WaitingForMojo · 20/07/2024 09:29

Keep an open mind about Camhs. They are overstretched and some professionals have a shitty attitude (prime example on this thread!) but there are also some truly understanding and caring people working within that overstretched system, We’ve had a crap experience, a mediocre one, and an amazing one, all within the same team.

NinetyNineRedBalloonsGoBy · 20/07/2024 09:30

FancyNewt · 19/07/2024 05:47

@Ursulla42How can you say you aren't trying to lay blame at their door and then do exactly that? You should not be a mental health nurse.

OP- We've been where you are and frankly CAMHS were useless. They offered a short course in CBT with a long wait list and not much more. What helped us was paying for private counseling and time. DD is now 19 years old and so much better. I think for her it was a reaction to puberty and possibly underlying ASD which has not been formally diagnosed. She still has anxiety but the counselor taught her to manage it.

It's very lonely being in this position and does come out of nowhere as many teens hide their feelings.

Edited

I could have written this post word for word.

Unfortunately the awful attitude from @Esme20 was something we dealt with often in CAMHS.

What helped us was 18 months of weekly private therapy. DD is 18 now and a completely different person- although still on low dose anti depressants.

Don't forget you'll need therapy too to cope with the horrific trauma

Original poster
Ursulla42 · 21/07/2024 11:19

Fluffycloudsfloatinginthesky · 19/07/2024 17:57

I found out last week my just 13yo had been self harming.

I spoke to a self harm nurse at cahms and got a lot of links.

I spoke to the school and they spoke to her and gave her a plan thing with alternatives and support materials.

There's a local teen MH support place near us and they run a course for parents.

I also hid all knives and scissors.

It doesn't help that she's now shrugging it off and saying she hasn't done it for ages and it's no big deal. (3 weeks)

I am so sorry to hear this. We are operating in similar circumstances.

Giving you the biggest hand squeeze. Stay strong and as calm as you can be.

Wishing you strength x

OP posts:
Original poster
Ursulla42 · 21/07/2024 11:26

miaoweeee · 19/07/2024 17:11

Hi OP,

I was in a similar situation to you last year, however my DC wasn't too scared to jump and now they are no longer here.

I too am disgusted at the comment by the person claiming to be a mental health professional.

Like you, we were a completely normal family who ate dinner together, talked openly about school/ friendships/ relationships etc. and just were completely blindsided by how intensely our DC must have been feeling. Family, school friends, teachers etc. were all as shocked as we were. It is so so so so difficult to know the difference between teenage hormones and moodiness and despair.

I may have been under the assumption previously that teenagers who killed themselves were a bit different, who had no friends and sat in their rooms alone playing sad music. Not popular, sporty, 'happy' children with bright futures and a loving family and support network. But it does happen and you should not blame yourself.

The best piece of advice I can give is to put them first. I know we all put our children first, but I mean above all else. If you need to give up work, if that means being homeless and being put into a hostel etc. then so be it. I know it sounds mad but you'd rather be in that situation with a child who is alive.

I kick myself everyday for going into work, thinking my DC was experiencing, to me, a normal level of upset after breaking up with their girlfriend. I even jokingly commented at work that day about how I wish I could stay at home but could not dare ring my boss and say I wasn't coming in because my teenager was upset over a breakup. How I wish I had. I put my career first and thought they'd get over it in a couple of days when I could have stopped and put them first. I was worried about not being able to buy them nice things or take them on holiday. Well I can't do that now anyway.

I know that's what you are doing already but I'm here rooting for you to not feel bad or overprotective about doing so, because your children are the most important thing in the world.

Hopefully, she will have scared herself. I truly believe my DC wasn't thinking straight and would have regretted it as soon as he realised it was too late.

@miaweeee my dh and I read your post together and cried. Thank you so much for sharing. You sound like a lovely caring person and you should not blame yourself this was no way your fault.

It is sobering that this can come on our young people without warning or any visible signs.

Even if it does we cannot monitor 24/7.

But again thank you for sharing on here we appreciate that you wanted to tell your story of your circumstances. I hope you have been able to get some support for your self, ❤️

OP posts:
Mischance · 21/07/2024 11:29

Google Kooth - it is a helpline/chat room for troubled teenagers. I am told that it is good.

Original poster
Ursulla42 · 21/07/2024 11:32

Thank you so much for your lovely messages and for taking your time to reply and for those going through similar I am standing with you.

There are some fantastic strategies and tips which we are already applying. The captain of the ship analogy is working well and we are ensuring a calm environment at home.

We are expecting nothing from Cahms tomorrow but have secured the services from a local community team who have offered some counselling once cahms have seen.

I have been speaking to DD and am identifying some tendencies to paranoia "everyone looking at me" "everyone hates me" which bear no resemblance to the reality so will be looking at some strategies for this.

We are creating hopefully on here in the meantime a resource for other people going forward.

Thank you again xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Ursulla42 · 21/07/2024 11:33

Mischance · 21/07/2024 11:29

Google Kooth - it is a helpline/chat room for troubled teenagers. I am told that it is good.

Yes we hear great things about Kooth and will be speaking to our DD about using this as a resource.

OP posts:
Picoloangel · 21/07/2024 11:34

@Esme20 you’re in the wrong job. What a spiteful and insensitive post. Might I suggest that you consult a mental health professional yourself who might be able to assist with your trolling?

OP no advice but wanted to say hope that you and DD get the help and support you both need. It might be worth looking into local organisations to help and support with this and defiantly flag up with the school next term.

Original poster
Ursulla42 · 21/07/2024 11:37

Oh I should add for the record our Gp gave us the wrong advice as it turns out. Dismissing our situation as a teenage thing and giving us a tonne of websites.

We now know it should have been Cahms referral immediately.

OP posts:
ButternutSoup · 21/07/2024 11:45

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I see some pp have suggested CBT, but I want to suggest DBT rather. There is growing evidence that it is much more effective, especially for people who struggle with more intense emotions.

CBT teaches us how to change our negative thought patterns, but the problem is that if someone is in such an emotionally dysregulated state, their rational brain is actually disconnecting from their older mammalian brain, so it is nearly impossible to interrogate and change one's negative thoughts in that moment, and the person in emotionally distress will likely act on emotion, impulsively.

Studies are showing that our emotional responses come before our thoughts, so addressing that asap can prevent the negative obsessive thoughts from starting at all, interrupting the cycle of distress.

DBT uses physical tools like sensory grounding to understand acknowledge, accept and calm strong emotions before they send us into a tailspin.

It can be more expensive than CBT but it's so worthwhile, it has helped me enormously.

There may also be some traumatic experience/s that you are not aware of which could have triggered this, so maybe also look into that (although I'm sure you have done that too).

I wish you and your family peace and healing.

johnworf · 21/07/2024 11:48

Sadly, our son has made several attempts on his life and has a history of self harm. He has been under CAMHS for a few years and is medicated and sees a psychiatrist.

CAMHS are not great tbh but it gave it us access to a psychiatrist - and they are the only ones who can offer medication to under 16's. GPs are not licensed to do so. Request an appointment with the psychiatrist. Be firm if they say no.

Also ask to be referred to a psychologist who can offer various talking therapies which can be used in conjunction with medication and can be effective.

I hope your DC gets the right support and help so they can begin the journey to becoming mentally well. 💐

Picoloangel · 21/07/2024 11:49

definitely

TinkerTiger · 21/07/2024 11:59

It's scary to think the a MH nurse won't have had training that explains that someone struggling with thoughts of suicide won't necessarily be announcing it in flashing neon lights.

Time for a refresher course.

greyrainbows · 21/07/2024 12:18

I also disagree with @Esme20

Your daughter came to you and told you, perhaps not at first but she did in the end. I am not someone with professional experience in this field, but I am someone with experience in your daughter's position.

There wasn't anything wrong with my relationship with my mother or anything she did at fault that meant she didn't pick up on things at first or I didn't go to her initially. This is absolutely nothing you have done wrong. These things are hard to speak about especially that initial conversation at the start.

I struggled on and off throughout the years but I did develop healthier coping mechanisms as well as an understanding of what triggered me. I found the basics like focusing on eating well, getting exercise in, making time for hobbies, plenty of sleep and rest, drinking lots of water etc all helped too.

It's a difficult age in general so I'm really hoping she will turn a corner now she has opened up to you ☀️

Berga · 21/07/2024 12:29

I'm an experienced mental health professional and the mother of a teenager who had mental health issues. @Esme20 is talking absolute rubbish.

@Ursulla42 I had all my training, all my experience, close family spending time together and I still didn't spot it. There is no blame in this. For us it turned out to be neurodivergence and DD burned out at secondary school. I engaged a private CAMHS psychotherapist as I knew DD wouldn't meet threshold for regular CAMHS. This then lead to the private referral for neurodivergence assessment. If it helps, I now have a happy 18yo DD. It was a tough few years but we got through.

greyrainbows · 21/07/2024 12:59

Berga · 21/07/2024 12:29

I'm an experienced mental health professional and the mother of a teenager who had mental health issues. @Esme20 is talking absolute rubbish.

@Ursulla42 I had all my training, all my experience, close family spending time together and I still didn't spot it. There is no blame in this. For us it turned out to be neurodivergence and DD burned out at secondary school. I engaged a private CAMHS psychotherapist as I knew DD wouldn't meet threshold for regular CAMHS. This then lead to the private referral for neurodivergence assessment. If it helps, I now have a happy 18yo DD. It was a tough few years but we got through.

This was the same reasons for my own struggles.

OP - do you think this could be a possibility for your daughter? It may not be relevant but there is a strong link between shitty mental health and neurodiversity.