What has happened to my 8 yo DS?

santasmuma · 14/12/2021 11:01

I would be trying g to dig a bit into both his activities and school to see what has happened.

QforCucumber · 14/12/2021 11:02

As above, my instant thought is some form of bullying - what online access does he have? Friends? Have you tried speaking to teachers or those who run the clubs?

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 14/12/2021 11:04

Has he experienced some trauma? Death of a loved one? Parents separation? Bullying?

parrotonmyshoulder · 14/12/2021 11:05

Can you manage a private therapist, play therapy perhaps? CAMHS won’t be of any help to you for a long time, if they are ever able to be, and you need help now.

KateInHappyland · 14/12/2021 11:09

If this is all in the past month, has something happened to trigger it? Was there an incident at school he’s not telling you about that’s made him afraid? Is he being bullied?

Original poster

Riddlediddle · 14/12/2021 11:16

Don't think it's bullying as the teachers said they have been watching closely from when we first flagged it and (when he has been in) they haven't noticed anything. The only thing I think it could possibly be is that me and my dp had an argument around that time. Yes I know this is awful but unfortunately we aren't all perfect- I was under a lot of stress at work and my dp had done 7 days back to back of night shifts with only about 2 hours sleep each day. There is no excuse I understand that but unfortunately we are only human. What I need to know now is how we sort this? How can we help our ds overcome this? I feel sick to my stomach with it and just feel heartbroken for him

OP posts:

Redwinestillfine · 14/12/2021 11:21

Don't force him back to the activities. There may be an issue there. Try and spend one onone time with him playing board games/ reading/ doing something he likes indoors to start with .and give him the space to talk if he wants to

Mama1980 · 14/12/2021 11:23

What was the argument about? Was it violent? Have you spoken to him about it?
It doesn't seem like a run of the mill argument would have this effect but if the timing is right it might be worth exploring.

santasmuma · 14/12/2021 11:24

What are his activities? Who runs them? Who supervises? Who is in them? Are parents around?

Original poster

Riddlediddle · 14/12/2021 11:31

It's got to be more than activities as it is any going out that is affected plus any tv too. My gut is that he has seen or heard of something on TV that has scared him and then the argument happened at a similar time and he may have now associated the two things together and gone into some kind of traumatic shut down. The argument was over nothing - just all over a stupid bookcase but obviously he shouldn't have witnessed it and it's something I will regret forever. I just want to help my boy

OP posts:

Mama1980 · 14/12/2021 11:39

Was the argument violent or did anyone mention leaving/splitting up? I only say that as my eldest dd who is adopted and had a very traumatic upbringing would sometimes react similarly to hearing arguments on tv etc.

santasmuma · 14/12/2021 11:39

It's got to be more than activities as it is any going out that is affected plus any tv too.

Kids withdraw when something is wrong but they don't pick and choose what they withdraw from. I would definitely be considering every aspect of the activities and any possible situations.

parrotonmyshoulder · 14/12/2021 11:41

Sound like something has really frightened him. You need help with finding out what so that you can support him.
You could talk about the argument too. Tell him what you have said here. Tell him that grown ups sometimes disagree, like children do.
Try some ‘wondering’ aloud. ‘I wonder if you are feeling worried because…’. I find it best to avoid questions, but sometimes my children want me to guess what’s wrong before they can talk about it.
Treat him like you did when he was little. Cuddles, easy stories, toddler games like hide and seek and peekaboo.

Original poster

Riddlediddle · 14/12/2021 11:50

It wasn't violent but my dp did chuck away the pizza we were eating and he did leave for the night to stay at his parents. It's that isn't it oh god I feel like the worst parent alive

OP posts:

parrotonmyshoulder · 14/12/2021 11:54

Maybe you both need to talk to him together. If you can’t get counselling/ therapy for DS, try some yourself if you can afford it. You could talk through your concerns and might be able to work out a plan.

Budapestdreams · 14/12/2021 11:55

I too would be concerned about trauma. Are you absolutely certain that there is no chance that any abuse could have happened at an activity or a relative's house?
If not, then I am with pp who suggest trying to gently guess what could be wrong. Kids often find it difficult to understand why they feel so bad and so find it difficult to put into words.
They also make assumptions that adults wouldn't which can stop them disclosing things.
Does he draw? Could he draw his feelings?
The school should have pastoral care staff. I would ask them to support him, do some one to one and see if they can get to the bottom of this.
Good luck

parrotonmyshoulder · 14/12/2021 11:57

I think he’s refusing to go to school, isn’t he? Give him as much time as you can. Make a den to hide in. Lots of paper and pens, small world play?

Mama1980 · 14/12/2021 11:58

Honestly given the timings etc you've mentioned I'd say yes it's likely to be that. He sounds badly frightened by something and his dad leaving for the night could be it. He might be afraid to go out etc incase both of you aren't there when he gets back.
I'm only theorising, but I'd talk to him about it, together, how he might be feeling etc. Explain that it was a horrid argument but still only an argument.
Treat him in many ways like a younger child with lots of hugs, reassurance and affection from both of you. Do lots of things together as a family.
You're definitely not the worst parent ever, if you were you wouldn't be here. We all make mistakes.

JaninesEyePatch · 14/12/2021 11:59

@Riddlediddle

A month ago I had a happy, outgoing and confident DS. Easygoing and nothing phased him. Went to clubs, plays for sports teams and obsessed with football. Over the last month he has changed completely - this started by him withdrawing from activities (he had a cough and cold at the time so by him saying he wasn't up to going because he was poorly we just accepted that and didn't notice what was happening) but now we are in a position where he will not watch TV, refuses to go to school, won't even go to a park or have a kick around on a field. It's clear he has anxiety about even leaving the house but he says he doesn't know why. On any attempt to even leave the house he needs the toilet for a poo and then yawns continuously and lays on the floor saying he is too tired. Then he gets upset and shuts himself in his room. We've had blood tests to rule anything physical out - all normal so it is clearly a mental health issue. With all the covid stuff going on and school being understaffed they can't really support at the moment. I've contacted GP who made a CAMHS referral but they rang me and said the wait times are months if not years for support. Please what can I do to help him??? We just want our son back - being trapped in like this is no life for him it's heartbreaking to see

I'm so sorry to hear about your son. That must be really difficult. With regards to CAMHS, my DS has been on the waiting list for over two years and he has longer lasting and more severe mental health problems than it sounds like your son has. So I wouldn't hold your breath for them! Saying that though, it definitely sounds like he is really struggling. Can you do baby steps with him, so gradual exposure to the fear. So first day he steps out the front door, takes a step then comes back in. Day 2, 2 steps, and so on? Also, did they check his vitamin D levels and does he take a supplement? It could also be seasonal affective disorder. Perhaps look at getting him a SAD lamp to see if it helps? Hope you find something that makes a difference - it's just awful to watch your child so unhappy x

Nyfluff · 14/12/2021 12:00

Could he have post viral fatigue? That doesn't show in a blood test (like many things depending on which tests he's had). TV can be overwhelming for someone who's exhausted.

Did you discuss it when his dad left?

tdm1 · 14/12/2021 12:00

Another possibility to consider:
childmind.org/guide/parents-guide-to-pans-and-pandas/

Thegreencup · 14/12/2021 12:02

It could be that. It could be anything.

Its a pretty shitty time for kids right now. There is a lot of change going on for them, their usual routines are all going to shit. They are not seeing all of the people they usually would. They also don't understand that (hopefully) at some point things will get better again. We had a family bereavement last year and it's hit us all hard in different ways, including my kids.

What does he do? When you say he won't watch TV, does he do anything?

Personally, I'd knock the activities on the head right now. I have an 8YO DS. School is getting harder for him and I think it's a lot for them to be doing extra on top of it right now. Take that pressure off him right now. Leave the issue for him to raise it. Maybe when he realises he isn't getting attention from not going he might change his tune.

Have you and DH spoken to him about the argument? I would try that. Be honest with him about it and your feelings. Don't gloss over it but also don't make excuses. Neither of you should have behaved the way you do and you're going to avoid that behavior in future.

December is a funny time too. As soon as it hit December my 6YO has been hyper and unsettled. I'm putting it down to Christmas excitement.

Original poster

Riddlediddle · 14/12/2021 12:16

Yes we have spoken about the argument and apologised and explained that mummy and daddy have sorted it all out and that sometimes people do argue but people sort it out. He says it didn't bother him but of course it would have done and maybe in his head he doesn't think it has affected him as he is only 8 and obviously he doesn't realise poor thing. So when I say he won't watch TV he will now only watch a couple of limited programmes - stuff like pre-recorded cartoons or a daytime quiz show called lingo. I guess that's because he knows they are 'safe'. We made a plan with him to take small steps once at a time but he won't even do that. Has anyone done play therapy? Would that help? I can't afford it but would happily take a loan out if this was going to help

OP posts:

ItWasntMyFault · 14/12/2021 13:17

Have you thought of trying a Worry workbook or diary. I haven't tried any so can't recommend but there seems to be quite a few for sale and might be worth a try.

Original poster

Riddlediddle · 14/12/2021 13:48

@ItWasntMyFault we do have an anxiety workbook but he is very reluctant to do it and he isn't good at expressing himself anyway so it is very hard to get him to talk or think about his feelings and emotions. He also isn't a very creative child so he won't draw or colour either. He just says he doesn't know what he is worried about or that he has no worries and he won't (or can't) expand on that any further. It's so sad to see him like this

OP posts: