Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Child mental health

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Original poster

Sick of taking the burden of ds’s mh, sick of being criticised and not sure I can take much more

66 replies

Bl1nk34 · 25/11/2019 20:02

Ds has anxiety and rapidly heading for a car crash as regards his GCSEs. I sit and listen at all hours, I advise, I arrange counselling and I contact school repeatedly.

I’ve literally had enough. He doesn’t listen or do anything anybody suggests. Doesn’t seem to care about the stress he’s putting the whole family under.School are being so patient and trying to help but he couldn’t give two hoots. So today I lost it. Told him to buck his ideas up as I can’t take any more. Dh then shouting at me, saying I should be ashamed etc.He does nothing, never asks him if he’s ok or listens or arranges anything.

I’ve just had enough and don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Nextphonewontbesamsung · 25/11/2019 20:10

Yanbu to be sick of it all. Are you brave enough to step back and let him get on with it? I would be very tempted. Lots of kids do badly in their GCSEs and then turn it around a few years down the line. The pressure that is coming from you and his Dad to do well is most likely quite counter-productive.

Original poster
Bl1nk34 · 25/11/2019 20:21

Not pressuring to do well just to do his best. Sick of listening and advising re his worries( none of which are work orientated as he doesn’t care about school)only for him to do nothing. I listen I advise I encourage I get help. Dh does nothing literally nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bl1nk34 · 25/11/2019 20:22

I’m not sure I want him living here any more. It’s dragging me down. I told him that today.

OP posts:
FelixFelicis6 · 25/11/2019 20:24

You told your son you don’t want him living with you anymore...? You really need a hold of yourself. Yes it must be utterly frustrating but get a grip. And why isn’t your husband pulling his weight with this?

Original poster
Bl1nk34 · 25/11/2019 20:26

Then dh criticises. He’s been with him all day today. Not checked on him, not spoken to him. I pick ds up from counsellor after work only to find he had been in bed all day and not done what he was supposed to have done. I am sick of constantly encouraging and supporting only to have it thrown back in my face. I literally can’t take it any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bl1nk34 · 25/11/2019 20:27

I have had a grip for years. The only one with a grip and I’ve had enough.

OP posts:
Whatnowagnes · 25/11/2019 20:27

Tell us a bit more if you can.

FelixFelicis6 · 25/11/2019 20:29

So what discussions have you had with DH about why he isn’t doing his part?

Do you know the root cause of your son’s anxiety?

Original poster
Bl1nk34 · 25/11/2019 20:30

Of course I have and do.

OP posts:
FelixFelicis6 · 25/11/2019 20:33

Huh?

TabbyStar · 25/11/2019 20:35

Sympathies, it's hard, I'm in a similar situation with my DD, though I'm a lone parent, I feel right now that I can't do it anymore either. I'm just going to bed and hoping things are better tomorrow.

Crass12 · 25/11/2019 20:38

You can only do your best too. You are doing all you can but ultimately it’s up to your son if he wants to try or not. Get his dad to take on some of the responsibility of helping his DS and then let it go 💐

Original poster
Bl1nk34 · 25/11/2019 20:39

Tabby I’m in bed too. Shut the door and told ds he can go to dh as I’m not doing it anymore. If ds can hide under the duvet and dh can just turn a blind eye so can I. At least if I do zilch I won’t get criticised. I feel for you dealing with this alone.

OP posts:
TabbyStar · 25/11/2019 20:52

Sometimes it's easier dealing with things alone as there's no one else to argue with or resent! I've got a load of other shit going on too and it's all a bit much. I do feel DD isn't doing enough to help herself, but then I guess that's part of the condition. We're struggling to get any help though, she's just on waiting lists.

Original poster
Bl1nk34 · 25/11/2019 20:57

Ditto, ditto. It’s shit. Just feel nobody cares but me and I rapidly beginning to not care myself. Nobody cares about me either and I’m sick of plastering a smile on, going to work and being the strong one. Don’t know where to go for support. Oh yes I do. There is no support so nowhere. I messaged a counsellor today and ended up unburdening whilst trying to arrange an appointment purely because there is nobody else to talk to.Blush

Got a full on day at work tomorrow and I’m going to have puffy eyes.

I want to shake him. He seems so selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bl1nk34 · 25/11/2019 21:01

I’m struggling with grief too which I’ve had to park as obviously I’m just a robot and the world revolves around ds.

OP posts:
Ifeelinclined · 25/11/2019 21:02

I'm so sorry. Your husband has got to help. Please see the counselor to try to get some tools to cope. I can't imagine how hard this must be ThanksBrew

Original poster
Bl1nk34 · 25/11/2019 21:05

Can’t see the counsellor as she deals with ds. Another one I was lining up for after suggested dates but it was re ds and I started blabbing on about everything purely because Im fed up of keeping it hidden. Not sure she’ll be hurrying back re dates.😬

OP posts:
Original poster
Bl1nk34 · 25/11/2019 21:06

My dh won’t help as that is how his family deal with everything. Head in sand. He’ll only step forward to criticise when it gets too much for me.

OP posts:
Fizzypoo · 25/11/2019 21:07

People with poor mental health are selfish. That's not a criticism, it's the way it works.

Take time out for yourself, it sounds like you're heading for a burnout.

Also it may be helpful to keep in mind that if your ds was happy he wouldn't be acting like this. He would most likely want to be enjoying his teenage years, just at the moment he is unable to do so.

Original poster
Bl1nk34 · 25/11/2019 21:09

He could make an effort like I have to as regards dealing with grief.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bl1nk34 · 25/11/2019 21:11

I can’t take time out for myself as I have to work, cook, clean then run around ferrying ds around even though he isn’t bothering in the slightest and it’s a complete waste of time.

OP posts:
Nettleskeins · 25/11/2019 21:12

A friend went through this with her ds. It wasn't selfishness on his part. It was appalling anxiety. It got worse and worse until he was school refusing. Counselling didn't really help until it was combined with anti depressants. CBT plus setraline. He improved with setraline and Vit D3. Also being taken out of school. He didn't take his gsces at all. He is taking them this year on a fast track course at a college. Like a different person - gets out of bed every morning, meets friends. For a long time she felt the burden of making him do stuff, then she sought help for herself, and faced the process of getting him to a pysch. Really the talking to and reasoning didn't work at all..

Nettleskeins · 25/11/2019 21:14

pysch = NHS pyschiatrist. Long wait but start now escalating it.

RitmoRatmo · 25/11/2019 21:15

I’m sorry you sound like the whole family is suffering poor mental health and well-being, and it’s becoming a perpetual cycle.
You could explore systemic family therapy. It sounds like some sessions all together to examine the dynamics and what is at the root of the dysfunctional way you are all relating to eachother could be helpful.

Also I’d recommend to get some 1:1 counselling for just you, to have somewhere that is purely for you, to offload and feel heard.