Sick of taking the burden of ds’s mh, sick of being criticised and not sure I can take much more

[Bl1nk34]

Ds has anxiety and rapidly heading for a car crash as regards his GCSEs. I sit and listen at all hours, I advise, I arrange counselling and I contact school repeatedly.

I’ve literally had enough. He doesn’t listen or do anything anybody suggests. Doesn’t seem to care about the stress he’s putting the whole family under.School are being so patient and trying to help but he couldn’t give two hoots. So today I lost it. Told him to buck his ideas up as I can’t take any more. Dh then shouting at me, saying I should be ashamed etc.He does nothing, never asks him if he’s ok or listens or arranges anything.

I’ve just had enough and don’t know what to do.

He worked his job on the Sat, I picked him up and took him to buy running shorts, he had loads of chill time over the week end after.Two teachers have been bending over backwards to help him in their own time. They rearranged the exam for a second go and I felt the least he could do was try and yes dig deep. WE are all trying ds isn’t. He needs me to help with the revision motivation and even seeks me out at times. Can’t do this hot and cold thing anymore.

I have to go now, so going to be late.

Do you have a local carers support group - I have been in contact with our one as my sister has mh issues. They have been fantastic.

The offer free telephone and face to face counselling (quite a waiting list for f2f)

Also if you can spare the time things like personal training and yoga sessions.

They may also have some support groups for family members where you can get support from others.

Could you visit universities that he might have an interest in attending. This can make the future look more inviting. Are there any open days you could attend.
Seeing all the young people together can look pretty cool to a school age teenager. Give them something to aim for.

Sounds like you need the support at this stage rather than family counselling. I tried to back off with DD and her exams unless she asked for help, I wondered whether me taking responsibility was meaning she didn't have to. It's so incredibly difficult to stand back though, I felt so frustrated all the way though her exam period, it was almost as difficult to do nothing as to do something! The night before her last one I suggested we could just do one last push and I'd help her revise and it prompted a two-hour meltdown. Something has to give for you though. I made it clear I would always be available to help, but she'd need to ask me for it, I wouldn't chase her. It is so exhausting having a depressed or anxious child.

Dear OP - you are obviously at you wits end - you need to step back for a bit - the more you go on about revision, exercise, healthy lifestyle, the more it will sound like nagging and he won't do it. Leave him alone for a bit - let him make his own choices - GCSEs aren't the end of the world. You need to let go a bit for your own sake too.

Definitely step back with regards to the Gsces and emphasise to him that you don't mind if he fails some of the time, really don't mind, what matters to you is that he feels better longterm.

I mentioned VITAMIN D3. Fresh air is important but if he hasn't been getting much of it (you mentioned this was something you were trying to encourage) he may be Vitamin D3 deficient. My son was, and it made things worse for him, much worse. GO OUT TODAY AND BUY FROM THE SUPERMARKET OR PHARMACY A VIT D3 Supplement for 1,000iu tablets (25mcg) and give him 4 today and one a day for the next few weeks. Or failing that, if you can fit it in, get him a blood test for everything, folates, vit d3, iron. You may find there is a more physical reason for his lassitude and anxiety.

You are doing brilliantly really you are, the only thing that remains now is to care less about the exams and more about his health, long term, and that may mean giving up on this particular school pathway, and following plan b in the short term. It may seem to you that it is obvious is he just did x y z he would feel so much better, but if you have ever had PND you will know that it is not so simple as getting out in the fresh air, having some exercise and keeping on top of the washing up,and following a few simple routines. Grownups with mental health issues, whether it is PND or something else feel poleaxed by it. It is not just support and counselling that get them through sometimes it is drugs, sometime it is TIME, sometimes it is thinking out of the box about the way you live.

Could you take some time off from your job, for you, not him. Signed off by the GP with stress, or parental leave perhaps? It might be worth the financial investment now, for later. Goggle threads from parents with children with anxiety and you will see it is not as simple as just feeling angry with selfish behaviouir, although that can be a very important part of acknowledging how devastasting it is for us as parents, and how much we have to think out of the box to cope with this "behaviour" from our children. Coping might mean taking time off work.

I think leaving him to it, is quite different from picking your battles, which is the better course. So if he won't go out, or revise, find something else that you can build a bond with him over..watch Red Dwarf together, discuss War of the Worlds, show you aren't cross with him. Dont necessarily try and make him do anything, just do things that make the situation less tense for him. That might reduce his anxiety too. Chilling is all very well, but at the back of his mind he will stilll be worrying about all the stuff he needs to do and avoiding it. Draw lines in the sand about what is important to you, and what is not. Could be just one thing a day you want him to do, sit with you for 10 minutes watching telly, 10 minutes posting a letter. And nothign else, no demands. Then build it up.

I would also recommend talking therapy for your self - I self referred when I was really struggling and just having someone ring me once a week asking about ME, how I was doing was so nice. Good luck

Hi there, just wanted to say thank you for all the advice of which I really appreciate and I’m still reading through/digesting.Still pretty wiped out( yet another sleepless night) so processing it all. Having support like that when I needs it and somebody just listening was a godsend.

Spoke to ds. He is a lot calmer and said some nice things.It appears that on top of all the other anxiety he does actually care about his exams and is shit scared he’ll fail and end up with a crap life. But then he feels pressurised to work. He also felt I dismissed his MH problems.

It’s so hard. I keep reading all these threads and views re kids mental health problems being caused by parents and pandering/ indulging children who turn a normal condition into an illness iykwim. I feel as if I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place re handling ds and whatever I do will be wrong. I’ve tried to strike a balance, clearly not working. I acknowledge how he is feeling but kind of want him to dig as deep as he can to get better and deal with life.It’s kind of what I’ve always done myself. I didn’t have the easiest of childhoods. I know bullying, self hatred and grief have caused all this and that it isn’t just a bit of normal anxiety but I do expect him to try his best to get through it. Can’t believe how little support there is. I literally don’t know where to go in RL and feel v alone.

He doesn’t really get the blame thing and me feeling overwhelmed with it so had to park that again for now.Was keener on unpicking how he was feeling whilst he is calm.I did try to get across that there is no pressure at all from us to get the 8s/9s he is supposed to be aiming for. 7s would be amazing but again we’ll handle whatever he gets.6s or lower aren’t the end of the world. Sometimes when he has been belligerent and said he isn’t going to work because he doesn’t care about school and exams I have in the past said that attitude will have a negative impact on his future and illustrated what a future without GCSEs entails, that I think flunking through zero effort will make him feel worse. That has caused additional anxiety.😩I feel sometimes he just wants a get out of jail card free with me saying it’s ok to do zilch. I can’t do that and feel he needs to try. He has 6 months and I tried again to say that we can work with school and get a supported revision plan spread out with a little bit daily as trying to avoid panic, stress and large late night periods of work. He apparently had been working until 1 am in his room whilst I was upset trying to get the revision done. Exactly what I was trying to avoid. He still feels I am pressuring him even though I pointed out that 3 hours on a Sat and Sun and 3 hours on a Monday day off is not onerous spread over a 3 day weekend of 3 days and evenings. I tried pointing out that it’s healthier and less stress inducing and can have many breaks to facilitate his focus which he is struggling with.He didn’t mention me pressuring him over exercise, healthier food and screens but surely it must be worse. I said I’d happily stand back and let him handle it himself, wait to be approached but he didn’t really know how to do that. I don’t think he has the strength. Nightmare as we’re going to go round in circles iykwim.

Going to unpick all the advice on here tonight. Work again today.

Where do you go for adult therapy self referral and where do you get family therapy?

It will be handy for him to say, when the poor results come out, that DM stressed me out with her study demands and I couldn't concentrate - or similar.
It's something we all do, blame someone else rather than facing our humiliating failures or inadequacies.
Are there any older cousins/ siblings /teacher who can sit down and explain their study technique, less easy to get out of that. It is his decision whether he follows that or not, he might not, as he dislikes that method, but then it is his decision, no one else to blame.

OP I really feel for you. My DS suffers with anxiety and in the run up to GCSE refused to revise despite threats , coercion and bribery. He would have spectacular meltdowns and I was to blame for everything. His dad has MH issues and was no help and just criticised my parenting. I was at rock bottom.
DS only passed one GCSE and I think it shocked him. He managed to get a college place and while still struggling to pass the elusive maths GCSE he has done well In his BTECS. I still have to push him as his organisation is rubbish but the meltdowns have decreased and he seems happier. He told me a tutor suggested he may have ADHD and I have considered a private test.
Good luck OP. It's so hard . Try to make some time for yourself.

It sounds so similar to where we were, but DD did get nearly all 7s, 8s and 9s by just doing the work that was set her and participating actively in classes, she's didn't do a big revision thing. I think I under-estimated the importance of slow steady work rather than a separate revision process. I can't remember whether you've said anything about mocks, because of course they can sometimes give kids a boost or a shock!

If he is predicted 8s and 9s I can see exactly where his anxiety is coming from. I think school needs to back off, and emphasise that it is fine to get 5s and 6s, even he is "capable of" higher grades if he revises and works. 5 and 6s are not a car crash. And I think anyone predicted 8's and 9s will get at least one 7 even if they do no revision (Trust me, I've heard a lot of gsce stories and have had three children go through them with a whole variety of outcomes, revising and non revising)

Going to lessons like clockwork doing set homework and doing no revision at all will get outcomes that are perfectly fine (5s and 6s), half the lessons later on will be revision based.

One of my children got no higher than 3 6s, the rest were 4s and 5s. I don't regard that as a car crash. It wasn't particularily great, but he has moved forward in a perfectly satisfactory manner and is now at uni studying a subject he got a 6 in... The others got some shock results and some brilliant results. Every 7 was thrilling, and in no way a disappointment for not being an 8 or 9. What are the school thinking of to tell an anxious child that he is aiming so high?????

You sound like a kind and caring, AND sensible parent. And you definitely not pandering. I think schools put us on under enormous pressure to support our children through gsces as if it is the be all and end all of their lives, but it isn't their lives are more than just a series of hurdles.

To be fair to school I think the 8s/9s are just out on reports more as an aim from that number crunching from Sats they do. I don’t think they push it down their throats The anxiety was caused by other things and the work has been a casualty iykwim. It was reassuring to hear about your dc.

Bl1nk we are in a similar situation. Ds is year 11. He has recently been diagnosed with autism so it's been a very stressful year. His late diagnosis has left him with significant mental health issues. We are trying to get a camhs referral at the moment but I'm reliably informed that camhs in our area won't see autistic young people. School have finally said they might be able to organise some counselling.

Ds has no motivation or enthusiasm for anything in life, especially school work and revision! He also isolates himself and hates even leaving the house.

There is no support and Ds's autism seems to make people want to support him even less. I hope you make progress with your Ds and you find a way to get through this difficult gcse year. 💐

Punxsutawney I feel for you, it’s such a hideous time. I’ve recently seen a therapist ( if that’s the correct word) myself and it was really helpful. Was really great to unload and be understood. Didn’t have time to tell and talk about everything but covered a lot. Very early days and won’t be able to afford regular sessions sadly but it did make me realise that it isn’t my fault and perhaps isn’t something to aim at being cured iykwim. Also made me realise that teenagers are tough regardless. Kind of realise I need to help him deal with the anxiety as it happens and that it’s something we all feel. I feel a bit calmer. Going to try and find some mindful and relaxation activities for him and focus on training him to deal with it iykwim.

As I say it’s very early days and frankly not sure I’ll be feeling so confident weeks down the line when we’re back into revision and in the midst of a meltdown( his/mine)but it feels more positive for now.

Think getting support for me might be key and hoping I can book/ afford sessions if I need them. No chance of finding it amongst f&f as I don’t really know anybody as clued up on teens, shitty times and emotions etc iykwim. Was a lot different to talking to a friend when you’re careful to listen and advice them too and not bore. Was really lovely being able to pour it all out and having somebody there just to listen and help support you to sort it out.

Anyhow highly recommend support for you. She recommended a book- Brainstorm by D Siegel which looked good.