Sick of taking the burden of ds’s mh, sick of being criticised and not sure I can take much more

[Bl1nk34]

Ds has anxiety and rapidly heading for a car crash as regards his GCSEs. I sit and listen at all hours, I advise, I arrange counselling and I contact school repeatedly.

I’ve literally had enough. He doesn’t listen or do anything anybody suggests. Doesn’t seem to care about the stress he’s putting the whole family under.School are being so patient and trying to help but he couldn’t give two hoots. So today I lost it. Told him to buck his ideas up as I can’t take any more. Dh then shouting at me, saying I should be ashamed etc.He does nothing, never asks him if he’s ok or listens or arranges anything.

I’ve just had enough and don’t know what to do.

Pointless, he’s on the waiting list for CAMHs, will probably be in his 20s when he gets to the top of the list. Have heard they’re useless anyway.

He’s seeing a counsellor, encouraging to hear that will be pointless too but not a suprise.

No idea where to go for family therapy, not sure I want yet more blame from everybody else anyway and as for a counsellor for me not sure where the ££££ for that will come from. Got to pay for ds’s.

I'm dealing with grief too, are we twins?! My DD was out of school for a year, then went back and was okay, and did well in her GCSEs despite being too anxious to revise, but I think it's made me less anxious about her grades, she's skipping college classes, but something will work out in the end one way or another. It would be better if she got her A levels as planned but asking more stress by writing about that isn't really helping or situation.

I wish she had some sort of interest though that would take her out of her own head, she was vaguely interested in doing some volunteering, but we can't find anything suitable for her until she's a year older.

It’s shit isn’t it. At least having to park the grief means you don’t have to deal with it.

Any tips on getting rid of puffy eyes in the morning?

It is really tough, on all of you

But you have a DH problem here, he needs to step up!

Maybe you need to put yourself first for a bit too, become a bit more selfish (so you don't reach breaking point and say things you don't mean)

Why did you interpret my suggestion of family therapy as something that would put more blame on you? That’s a very defensive and unconstructive attitide, given your dire description of your poor DS’s current mental state and the breakdown of family relations. You dismiss family therapy as something you’d have no idea where to find (google it maybe?) This doesn’t seem like a reason to dismiss it out of hand, given you say you’re at the point of telling your 16yo who is mentally unwell that you don’t want him living with you anymore.

I understand your feeling of desperation (I have similar difficulties with one of my DC’s and am a working lone parent with my own MH issues and a recent traumatic bereavement) but as a result I’d try anything to improve things (and have/am doing). A quick google of different available support in the area might be a good starting point for you (MAST/CAMHS/family therapy/IAPT/GP surgery counselling etc).

Dismissing my suggestion of family/sole therapy so dismissively suggests you’re maybe not actually at the point of exploring all proactive options to improve your family situation and be in the cool-headed parental role your DS really needs but instead are trapped in your own anger at the situation and wanting to vent here and have a hand-hold.

Hope you can find some ways of breaking all these familial dysfunctional relations/interactions, whether by decent family therapy or just by crossing your fingers and hoping.

Counselling is not useless, it is just that it probably needs to be CBT and in conjunction with meds if the CBT isn't working. Could you ask for him to be assessed for an EHCP if he is so anxious that he cannot access education? This is what my friend did in the end when her son was 16. She got one because the school interventions hadn't worked. He had no diagnosis other than anxiety. But I've heard of children teens with late diagnoses of ADHD, ASD, Dyspraxia, dyslexia, all of which underpinned their anxiety. It isnt your son's fault nor is it yours. But there may be reasons other than just family stuff that he is suffering.

Family therapy is a relatively cheap intervention offered by a lot of councils for free. It can be helpful and it isn't about blame, more about strategies, understanding what is lying beneath the way the family copes.

Ritmo family therapy can feel very intrusive and I can understand why the OP might feel it would be the last straw. My friend refused to try it as it really was the last straw with everything she was going through (had accessed it earlier with another child several years before, been there done that) It is actually infuriating to discuss family dynamics when your child has an unresolved diagnosis and no-one seems interested in finding out their SEN only what you are doing wrong as a parent
OP my experience of family therapy was that is wasn't about making the child compliant or doing what the parents wanted, it was about improving communication between all the parties. That was what the therapist said. Which can only be a good thing looking back, although we went about it in a rather strange way I ended up thinking my family was funnier and lovelier than I had thought, ds used to say hilarious things that the therapist really couldn't field!!!!

@Nettle I’m not sure I understand your post. One one hand you tell me family therapy is intrusive and infuriating, yet you then extol the virtues of it to the OP.

I am a qualified MH professional with quite a bit of both professional and personal experience of family systemic therapy and other types of therapy.

I’m not suggesting deep analytical psychotherapy and blame-pointing therapy. Some of the ways OP describes her own reactions and the interactions between her and DH and the understandable pressure their DS’s mental health condition is having on them makes me think some talking therapy together as a family unit might enable them all to interact in a more positive and healthy way and to understand eachother better, whilst the DS is also receiving the right support in tandem (CAMHS, GP, meds etc).

Maybe a long shot but think if I were the OP I’d bother looking into it rather than dismissing it as something I wouldn’t know where to find and wouldn’t want to engage in because of unhelpful defensive preconceptions.

I am a qualified MH professional with quite a bit of both professional and personal experience of family systemic therapy and other types of therapy.

It's surprising then that you were so unsympathetic to the OP who is clearly in a bad way, you could have said what you wanted to without sounding quite so judgemental.

How much stuff do you do together as a family? Might help taking him out into the fresh air if you can to supplement his existing treatment.

@Bl1nk34 you’ve mentioned your grief, is that the real problem here? You sound so resigned to being this situation, there’s a real sense of all of you having checked out of family life.

I drag everybody out into the fresh air every week( and bare the brunt of the moans),have tried to make ds get exercise to no avail. Yes I am checking out of family life as it seems that I do everything all the pushing, support, feeding, talking etc to no avail with just resentment offered back. Ds just wants to eat crap and do zilch, dh seems happy to provide that and gets zero resentment as a result, not sure why I shouldn’t do the same.

No my grief isn’t the issue. It is parked and I have long since realised it comes way down in the scheme of things. Don’t think about it and just get on with it. Dealing with ds has taken precedence over everything.I am a year down the line so not sure what I’m supposed to do. Sit by a grave and wail?Not sure how that will help.

I have been to the GP and we’re on CAMHS waiting list. Gp said we won’t be a priority as ds not suicidal, we don’t live in a poor area and ds has a supportive family. Have heard and read how useless it is anyway. Managed to get a few sessions of counselling elsewhere. Ds utterly vile after the first one. He has ignored every single bit of advice from everybody else who has tried to help him so pretty sure this will be the same.

GCSEs 6 months away, we are running out of time.

Re family counselling, for those of us with zero support it isn’t that easy to just click ones fingers and get it. Wouldn’t know where to look. Will probably be a massive waiting list anyway and if it’s just an opportunity of blaming me for everything from the teens and moaning I frankly don’t have the strength. Sick of being proactive, trying my hardest and getting nothing but resentment in return.

Could your ds stay back a year? I really think you are a bit stuck if you don’t address it with your dh. Tell him to do x y z - ask what study ds is up to 3x, make sure he completes a page of x, make sure he eats a piece of fruit and goes outside for 20 minutes. And IF YOU CANT EVEN DO THAY FOR ONE DAY YOU MAY NEVER EVER CRITICISE ME AGAIN OR YOU ARE TOP OF THE LIST OF PEOPLE I DONT WANT TO LIVE WITH BECAUSE WHO WOULD WANT TO LIVE WITH AN UNSUPPORTIVE CRITICAL ASSHOLE WHOS A SHITTY DAD?
it might give him a shock and be almost as good as therapy to be honest...

Family therapy is ok as long as the dc is also receiving appropriate therapy. It doesn't cure the problem of the MH.

OP, could you self refer (online) for NHS talking therapy as an interim for yourself? I have huge sympathy for you as it appears that you are trying to deal with a difficult situation with your ds without any real support from your husband. Can he not do some of the drop offs or at least share them for your son to give you about of a break? I've also had to park my grief over the last year, but it eats away at you. Make yourself the priority now and again before you burn out completely.

I interpreted op's posts regarding blame completely differently. I got the impression that blame to date has come from ds/dh and that more would come from them rather than the therapist

I agree @somedayillbesaturdaynite. It seems that OP's husband and son want to make her responsible for everything in the family. And she is rightfully exhausted and beaten down at this point.

In the OPs shoes I see where she is re family therapy. It can feel like yet more blame. In her shoes I'd leave I think. At least for a while. I'd get whatever was affordable and take the time necessary to let everyone else step up or fail.

DS can fail his GCSEs. It won't matter if he does them again really. H can be a parent or fail at that alone. At least for 6 months you could take care of you and just you.

You can't do anything about DS as things stand.

OP, you’re not alone, you’ve got us lot 😄. In times of crisis, I have found Mumsnet to be of better help than any counselling. Sure, you get the occasional batshit advice and a few trolls, but in the main people on here are kind and wise.

I don't think anyone can 'put on a brave face'/ spend their time cajoling and supporting with no result/ be the whipping boy for everyone's problems without snapping eventually. You are human and having a depressed DS is exhausting in itself.

I think I would apologise to DS and DH, even if you feel justified in finally cracking, and then once you've had a day or so to calm down, apologise and then talk with both of them about how this is affecting you. In an attempt to explain rather than to expect sympathy.
Certainly with DH explain that you are burnt out and he must take over picking up/dropping off/ encouraging DS to eat/ exercise. Whilst you get your mental health back on track.
With DS you can explain that you are distressed and exasperated and lost your temper. If he's 16 he should understand that.

By stepping back you are changing the dynamic in the home and it might lead to changes that improve DS's ability to move forward. At any rate you will have a chance to get your strength back.

DS could repeat a year for his GCSEs. That might be enough to make him work more now, no one wants to repeat a year.
There is a book called Dare by Barry McDonagh for anxiety sufferers, I found it more down to earth and helpful than others, though DS might refuse to read it.

Dh won’t change, I have tried over and again.Takes it as criticism re parenting.Only thing we fall out about. He’s fun dad. I’m mum who limits screen time, tries to make sure they do their homework.and limits junk food. He likes anything for an easy life. He had a very very relaxed childhood. He will do pick ups and is v hands on when it doesn’t involve pissing the kids off. Has had minor surgery recently and is in pain. Ds suffered from homophobic bullying which triggered the anxiety and self loathing. The bullying/ language comes back now and again. I’ve always kept in top of it re complaints to school which is stressful. We’ve had 2 bereavements in the past year and now have bereaved parents to worry about although failing miserably in that area. One dc with slight SEN which can be draining and I worry about at time’s and 3 teens altogether . Fun times.

The annoying thing was I contacted a counsellor from a friend recommendation who offered me a chance to vent and advice re ds last night but I didn’t think I could fit it in after picking ds up from his. He was vile and I snapped. All I ask is he follows advice and tries. He has an exam rearranged kindly by school, had an ID yesterday and wanted to work a shift at his job he does now and again. I said no as revision hadn’t gone well over weekend due to him not being able to focus( part of the anxiety) he threw a strop. I left for work as dh working from home. Ds did zilch bar eat a pint of ice cream and exam today. I felt dh could have pushed revision( apparently not when he’s working). I can’t do the hours of support anymore if ds does nothing to help himself. I am only human.He functions, goes to school but doesn’t focus and is miserable. He needs to go running, limit screens, stop buying the junk food and try to focus for short periods of time with breaks. He does zilch. I have to try and make him do everything alongside listen. To have dh and my other ds say I’m cruel for voicing my frustration and a few home truths re reality when they do none of the above( ds hasn’t even asked ds if he is ok once, smirked over his exam woes) is quite upsetting. I should have gone to the offered session for myself. Doubt I’ll hear from the counsellor for me again.

Where do you find out about family counselling? Don’t want it impinging on ds’s other counselling and if it ends up being a blame everything on mum session which it will do I’m not sure I have the strength.

Got to go to work now. Utterly shattered.

X posted

If I say how it is impinging on me, ds tells me to stop making it about me.Dh says putting a guilt trip on to ds is damaging. Every friend I have seem to have their own teenage problems( some worse) and I don’t feel I can moan down the phone with any of them. Not that kind of relationships iykwim .

Ds ran out of the house last night in the rain with no coat, phone or money. Dh just got on with work and said he’ll come back there is nothing you can do.< helpful>

For your mental health and your son's, it sounds like you need to step back a bit. You can't force someone to revise and it sounds like you are putting a lot of extra pressure on him. It's not the end of the world if he fails his GCSEs! It sounds like he wanted to do something positive the other day, to go to work, and you stopped him because you didn't think he'd revised hard enough? I think you are being very controlling, albeit because you're trying to help. Maybe just take the pressure off him and yourself for a bit and leave him to it. Focus on your own well-being or you will end up massively resentful and angry which won't help anyone.