I just want to protect my mum - parkinsonism and lb dementia.

[ThereIsNoGreenerGrassInAHeatwave]

She is 82 years old and has been massaging my dad's legs for 4h now while he is screaming in pain. I think she will again not sleep tonight. The doctors just say that he needs to move more in the daY and they won't prescribe any pain medication but he refuses to move and when he's lying down, which is for most of the day, he refuses to take any medication anyway. He's got a live in carer but he's refusing to help tonight saying he needs to sleep. Any my dad hates him anYway. He shouts all day and night long for my mum. Insists that she stays next to him. Massages his legs.

He's got parkinsonism and lewy body dementia. He's lost most of his vision and his hearing has become poor as well. He used to be incredibly active and independent just a few years ago so I get this has hit him hard. When he's awake enough he just cries saying he just wants to die. My mum refuses to put him in a home and he'd never go voluntarily anyway. My heart breaks for him. I hate to see him suffer. I love my dad but he's sucking my mum dry. He was a good dad but a fairly shit husband so I'm really struggling to kind of compute that even now when he's weak and frail he's still controlling and terrorising her.

I'm 4500 miles away. I visit two or three times a year for 2 weeks each time but I've got two very young children and I won't get more leave from work. My sibling visits twice a year as well and usually stays for about a month. But we still feel helpless. We tried to get decent care coverage but it's really, really hard. We've got a daily house keeper who is extremely competent but she bosses my mum around and steals from her. My mum hates having all these people in the house.

I don't know why I'm posting. I've got no one to talk to. My sister is sleeping and I don't want to keep complaining to dh. My in laws are here at the moment and I've tried sharing with them but they just nod and then look at their phone again. I don't get it. Mil is normally the most helpful and compassionate person I know but somehow she's become a lousy listener. I'm so scared that my mum will die before my dad. I just want to get her away from there. I want her to live with us (I don't think DH would be thrilled though he'd probably agree) and just have a few years where she is free. But my dad could go on for many years like this.

Didn't want to read and run. What a difficult situation!

The carer doesn't make him walk during the day? Is moving more really the solution with his type of dementia?

Would and could your dad go to a home near you?

My dad refuses to get out of bed no matter how much the carer and my mum try to get him to get up.

I'd like to bring them here so my mum can live with us and my dad can have better care but he will not go willingly and my mum feels it's her duty to help him.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. My dad had advanced Parkinson’s and also developed dementia. It was just too much for my Mum. My dad was willing to cooperate with carers but for my mum it was just too much having other people in the house. The carers set up by the local authority were completely unreliable and would arrive any old time.
There may well be better care providers if your parents are able to pay privately. But there is no easy answer because as you probably know Parkinson’s is a progressive disease. Ultimately, your dad may need to go into a care home. I appreciate that this in itself is a whole other heartbreaking situation.But maybe you should have the conversation with your mum and perhaps start the process.

EDIT: On rereading this once I had posted, I realise that it sounds pretty brutal but unfortunately, I can’t delete.Of course this applies to my own parents situation and someone else with a different experience maybe be able to post a more hopeful suggestion.

They absolutely can prescribe pain medication. It sounds so bad he might even need to be on pain patches. Urgent GP appointment or if not possible 111 or even A and E.

This is a completely unacceptable situation!
I’d get him into hospital (screaming out in pain would be enough to get an ambulance out to him)
Once in hospital he’ll be assessed.

It doesn’t sound if keeping him at home is an option any more.
Your poor mother!
He needs 24hr care with multiple carers so a care home with nursing facilities is what he needs.
Nobody wants to see their parent go into a home but everybody will be better off it.
Is POA in place?