MIL cancels agreed childcare last minute

[DnG]

Hi all, I'm looking for advice regarding childcare we've agreed with MIL and FIL. They've provided a few hours childcare for our baby per week and have agreed to so a full day when I'm back at work ft in a few months. MIL has now cancelled twice (for good reasons) on a short notice and it leaves us wondering about their reliability to provide consistent and reliable childcare when needed so we can both work. FIL recently had a stroke and were also worried this may impact their ability to be reliable in the future (he's doing much better now and said he's keen to watch baby).

Most recently MIL has cancelled a day in advance as saying she's tired and if we hadn't made plans she'd like to cancel. So far every time they've watched baby I've been working and had important meetings during the time they've been watching baby (rather than gallivanting around drinking coffees with mum friends) which makes me think they are not taking their responsibility and promises seriously or are not taking my job and my responsibilities seriously. My husband had to take a day off to look after baby as a consequence. Perhaps I'm overreacting but would it be wrong to consider an extra day of childcare to ensure reliability? Or am I overreacting?

It won't work.

Set up proper care for your child otherwise this will cause resentment real quick.

Oh and to answer your question, no it's not wrong to ensure reliable care for your child!

What your PIL want is a fantasy - the fun of spending time with their grandchild. The reality is that it's too much. They can see him or her at weekends instead.

Book the childcare. It’s the only sensible option.

Book the child care. The fantasy of looking after the DGC versus the reality is hitting home.

My MIL did this to me. She said she would collect my DC one day a week from school, and had so many holidays in one year, that I just arranged childcare going forward. I don't think there was any malice, I think she genuinely didn't get how much it screwed things up for me when she wasn't around.

I provide one day a week childcare for a grandchild. It’s a commitment and one I wouldn’t consider cancelling unless I had no choice at all. If they can’t commit, then don’t even start. It’s fab and I’d have it no other way, but it is tiring and can be hard work. Sounds like they would drop it too often

This in spades.

Yup, it's clear they can't be used as childcare. So get childcare in place. I know lots of famlies who have the childcare but grandparents might collect them early, or perhaps have them for a few hours and take them in later. Or choose to do a half day but the childcare is there so the grandparents can choose what works, and accomodate their health or other needs.

Someone who is often tired and someone who’s had a stroke are not (understandably) going to be reliable childcare for a baby especially once as baby/toddler gets more mobile. At least you’ve had warning of this now so you can arrange alternative childcare.

Perhaps they can provide a less crucial kind of childcare such as evening babysitting or a few hours on the weekend so you and DH can get some time together- but it’s not such an issue if they cancel?

Trust what people do, not what they say. Book childcare via a nursery or childminder or accept you will be let down by in laws in the future.

I am not a grandparent yet but, honestly, even though I love my children and look forward to gc, I think most people are just not up for the rigors of a relentless, every week, formal day care arrangement. They may intend well but when push comes to shove they are just not up for it.

You cannot live under that stress! Other Childcare options to be considered.

Yes it's much better to have an informal setup I think, especially given your FIL's health considerations. They obviously mean well.

Maybe you could have a system where once in a while, when it suits them, they can pick him/her up early and have tea together or something, more spontaneously. Having grandparents who are involved is of great value to a child.

It’s really tricky if you use family for childcare but not paying them. We managed almost 18 months of my parents doing 1 day a week before we booked an extra day at nursery. That day was the most stressful of the week for various reasons. My parents never cancelled at short notice but they took holidays (reasonable) had doctor’s appointments and an occasional other significant event which meant looking after DS was sometimes a juggle. Book the extra day or be prepared to, your relationship with your in laws might suffer otherwise.

I would not rely on them. At all.

I used to be a childminder I gad numerous parents where gp childcare just didn’t work . This would be one case

I would book them into paid childcare, I suspect they had good intentions when they offered but the reality is often different. It sounds like they have stuff going on health wise so I'd cut them some slack, I'm sure they realise it makes life hard for you if they cancel but honestly its better they do that if they can't properly look after them that day.

Save yourself much hassle and organise proper planned childcare. I know it's a fortune (hello four years of £900+ a month ) but you don't need the uncertainty

I remember rocking up to my mums with my baby after she kicked off at me for daring to consider childcare then daring to offer to pay HER as i wanted to show i valued her time and didnt expect it for free. To discover a locked door and I was then told 8:30am was far too early and could I drop my child at 11. I work 9-5. This happened numerous times. I booked the childcare. Do not rely on them at all

I think they want to do it but it's too much for them.
Do everyone a favour and book alternative childcare.
Let the GPs just enjoy the kids without having caring responsibilities. Everyone will be happier.

..which makes me think they are not taking their responsibility and promises seriously or are not taking my job and my responsibilities seriously...

And that makes me think that you are taking the piss expecting them to be unpaid childcare despite their own challenges. How arrogant to think that your job and responsibilities come first above their lives. A bit of babysitting and childcare are not the same thing, so perhaps you should use your job and your responsibilities to pay for proper childcare?

You can't rely on them. If someone has agreed to provider childcare whilst a parent works, the only reason to cancel should be the same reason you wouldn't go to work. Eg the level of illness you can't work with or holidays booked 6 weeks in advance. You will be scrabbling around last minute I reckon OP, plus this will sour the relationship as you get increasingly annoyed and resentful. Either tell the truth to her, or you could say the childcare you've arranged the other days has recommended only one setting so as not to confuse the child and enable them to fully settle in more quickly, if you feel being honest would cause ructions you'd rather avoid.

Book paid - and don't rely on them going forward.

It's classic hope vs reality.

The want to help - don't want to admit it's too much - love the idea of time with GC- and don't get how stressful last minute cancellations are to working parents.

Avoid the resentment and stress and pay - even when it costs £££.

Sounds like they want to help but just aren't able to.
Find alternative childcare and just have them visit or visit them.

I think this is really unfair.

when I agreed to do a day a week childcare I was fully aware I was going to need to be 100% committed and parents could not make alternative arrangements to suit my whims. Just like they can’t take odd days off from their work commitments