MIL cancels agreed childcare last minute

[DnG]

Hi all, I'm looking for advice regarding childcare we've agreed with MIL and FIL. They've provided a few hours childcare for our baby per week and have agreed to so a full day when I'm back at work ft in a few months. MIL has now cancelled twice (for good reasons) on a short notice and it leaves us wondering about their reliability to provide consistent and reliable childcare when needed so we can both work. FIL recently had a stroke and were also worried this may impact their ability to be reliable in the future (he's doing much better now and said he's keen to watch baby).

Most recently MIL has cancelled a day in advance as saying she's tired and if we hadn't made plans she'd like to cancel. So far every time they've watched baby I've been working and had important meetings during the time they've been watching baby (rather than gallivanting around drinking coffees with mum friends) which makes me think they are not taking their responsibility and promises seriously or are not taking my job and my responsibilities seriously. My husband had to take a day off to look after baby as a consequence. Perhaps I'm overreacting but would it be wrong to consider an extra day of childcare to ensure reliability? Or am I overreacting?

I think I would book baby in to paid childcare, but perhaps say to your IL's that if nursery is closed, or baby can't go to nursery (mine would get feverish due to teething and nursery wouldn't have them), or you are stuck in a meeting, would you be able to call on them to have baby? That means, there's still some flexibility but at least you know that your work hours are covered.

My folks were fit and healthy, and very willing to have my DC, but I still made sure they had nursery places, so that if my DPs wanted to go away for holidays/days out, then childcare was covered. They still got to see DCs a LOT and would cover if DC weren't well etc (which was an amazing help to me too).

My exMIL did this too - promised a day a week, then cancelled so frequently that I started getting into trouble at work, understandably. One time I simply couldn’t take the day off at short notice so then-DH had to. He was furious - at me of course, not his sainted mum. One of many contributing factors to our divorce…

I don’t think MIL had really grasped that we both had jobs where we couldn’t just work from home or something with DS at our feet if she was ill or just fancied meeting a friend for a day shopping instead… both actual occurrences!

By the time it became apparent we needed reliable childcare, we couldn’t get the extra nursery day, so I ended up reducing hours with the corresponding hit to my pay and pension. So if you can get that day covered, do! Then PIL can perhaps collect DC early sometimes or take them for a day out, without you worrying.

Ask them to let you know when they feel able to have the baby on a Saturday or Sunday. This way you won't be relying on them but if once in a while it works out and you have a nap plus a bit of organising you will feel fantastic.

Perhaps they are feeling a bit railroaded into this agreement and are finding it hard to say no to you, rather than just being flakey.

Considering their circumstances - FIL has had a stroke after all, you should arrange paid for childcare that you can rely on.

If her DH has had a stroke then MILs focus will be on his health moving forward (and probably concerned about her own). I'd book reliable paid childcare.

I was in a similar situation 10 years ago. Booked childcare and never regretted it. FIL became ill the following year and i
would have been left without childcare if I hadn’t made other plans.

Use them for relaxed childcare if you want time to do something with husband instead so they still are involved.

Agree

Your poor MIL. How is your job more important than your FIL having a stroke?
Do you realise how serious this could be?

People who die from a stroke often have one or two less serious ones initially before the big one that finishes them off. When my mum had a stroke, I had no idea that I’d never get to speak to her again.

It won't work. My mother done this to me, I ended putting dc in nursery as a result. Too tired was the normal excuse, but if she was in a funny mood (which she is frequently!!!) that would be another reason she'd say no.

My mother cancelled a few times just like yours OP, she said she was tired. Fast forward a few months and she received a devastating diagnosis which was the reason for her lack of energy.

By all means feel free to secure something more reliable but please don't assume malice on her part, and don't cut their contact on your non working days.

If you're taking away their regular contact day then can you offer an alternative lower pressure option so she doesn't feel like she's being punished? Perhaps you could enjoy Saturday afternoons to yourselves and then if she cancels it's not going to affect work.

Its not going to work. Your FIL has had a serious health issue and should not be put under stress.

You've had a trial period it seems and there have been inconsistencies already.

No fault of your in-laws it sounds like they are struggling in their own way. A stroke is very debilitating and not uncommon to have more unfortunately particularly if stressed/ exhausted.

There's a huge difference between wanting to help and actually being able to with weekly childcare as Grandparent's.

Im a Grandmother to an 18 month old whom we adore. Grandad and I have committed to one day a week childcare. We are fit well and youngish in our late 50's.

Its a huge support for our DD and SIL financially (one day less at expensive nursery) plus knowing GS is very loved and cared for.

But I have to say we are totally knackered (happily of course our GS and DD and SIL are our world) at the end of our full day looking after him. Its a HUGE responsibility too.

Hope this helps you decide. Good luck.

I agree there’s a big difference between wanting to help and the reality of it. My MIL offers to help and sometimes we’ve taken her up on it but the reality is she finds it too exhausting - she gets tired just having a manicure! She’s also very scatty, and really doesn’t have the mental focus that’s needed to look after a very active and excitable toddler who needs constant supervision and entertainment. Nothing wrong with it, but I know it would be unfair to expect too much, so I don’t.

Don’t rely on family for childcare when working. Recipe for disaster as you’ve already discovered. Pay for nursery (or whatever professional option is your preference/price bracket) instead

My parents provided childcare for our first DC one day a week for the first year, it did not work and I ended up putting her into nursery an extra day. They are wonderful grandparents and adore her, and they always said they were happy to do it, but it was simply too exhausting for them, and as a result that day became ridiculously stressful for the whole family. I couldn't focus on work for worrying about them at home.

I'm currently pregnant with DC2 and honestly wouldn't even consider asking any other family to do regular childcare this time. If you can afford it, it's a million times easier to just drop them at nursery or childminder. No thinking about meal prep (for both of them), activity ideas, outings, worrying if everyone's ok , etc etc etc.

Just use qualified childcare like a childminder, no idea why u thought that someone who is caring for someone who has had a stroke would be able to look after a baby at the same time.

... Or maybe you're not taking seriously the fact that your FiL has had a stroke, your in-laws are not in the first flush of youth and won't have the energy you have, and that they are doing a favour to which you have no automatic entitlement.

It does sound as though it would be wrong to rely on them, but I think you are being unduly harsh on them. They were kind enough to offer their support, but in their willingness to help appear to have bitten off more than they can chew. Your child - you need to make alternative arrangements for them, without laying the blame at your in-laws' door.

The MIL offered to do it. That isn't the OP taking the piss, it is the MIL committing to something and then being unreliable and letting the OP down at the last minute.

As a grandparent with deteriorating health my twopenny's worth:

When we get older it becomes increasingly difficult to predict how well/ unwell /:exhausted we get and equally as difficult to explain this to a younger generation.
Life is dynamic and what works or seems to work one wk doesnt necessarily apply wks later.

The guilt of letting yr children down becomes immense so you delay saying what you need to - as in ' I/ we cant do this anymore'. You might fear you wont see the kids anymore in a regular way that builds relationships if you do. Most of us really want to help. Most of us are distressed when we no longer can.
You've already said FiL has had a stroke so MiL has at least a degree of caring responsibilities now. And the stress of worrying about all aspects of life not considered before.

As parents you need regular childcare so pay for it.
Ask grandparents if they can watch the baby as and when you might want a date night or massage or something else that is not dependent on guarantees maybe they just cant give.

Agree with PP regarding booking formal childcare.
Also, your DH needs to tell them why. They're his parents, he can sort it out. Childcare arrangements are not just for mums. It was the right thing for him to stay home when they couldn't manage the daycare, he can frame it around that. It's not that they'll be letting you down, they'll be letting you both down and he'll have to stay home from work.
It can be hard getting back into the swing of paid work after having a child, you don't want to be also worrying about who's looking after DC

Arrange paid for childcare 100%.

They have already shown you their true colours so don’t continue in the ‘hope’ they will change.

My MIL told me 3 weeks before my return to work date how all we had arranged and agreed (since before ds was born) needed to change, it wasn’t even an alteration it was a complete U turn about days/ times/ location of ds care which I couldn’t accommodate so I had the massive impact of trying to find the 2 days extra childcare in less than 3 weeks which was so stressful and upsetting.

Sort your childcare asap.

I had this with my parents. My mother agreed to look after my son for me to work part time. I was an RN. It started with her cancelling a few times becayse she was tired (forcing me to scrabble around begging other nurses to swap shifts with me last minute) and then one Sunday she said she couldn’t look after him at all anymore because it was too much for her. I had work the next morning and couldn’t swap my shift with anyone or a whole week of shifts so I had to take annual leave. It got me into hot water at work because they had to get agency staff to cover my shifts. It caused a massive row with my parents because when I asked my mum if she could continue for just two more weeks so I could find a child minder she flat out refused and said my job wasn’t her problem. They didn’t take my work seriously at all. They even said I should give up work and stay at home to look after my son myself. No concept of the fact it takes two incomes to keep a roof over a family’s heads nowadays.
Anyway, my point is it sounds to me like you need to make other arrangements before things turn sour.

Their circumstances have changed significantly after your FIL's stroke. MIL is caring for him and adding a baby is going to be tough for anyone. You can't expect the same reliability as a childcare with multiple staff to back each other up. They might have meant well and it might have been reasonable when they offered, but things have changed for them. It would probably be a kindness to organise paid childcare and let them have some occasional care instead, just to enjoy your child rather than be the care.

This happened to us OP (although cancellations were frequent holidays and wanting to swap to better suited days on a week by week). I think ILs liked the idea of childcare and was well intentioned but the reality was different. Returning to work after mat leave was hard and this was honestly the most stressful thing about it. We put DS in childcare that extra day and wish we'd done it from the start. Book the extra childcare so you have something reliable in place then you can look at supporting GPs relationship in other ways.

I know PIL offered to do it, I can see there’s no malice from them, but you can see already they are going to be flaky, it won’t work. In reality having GC to look after, is a lovely idea to them But 9-5 (also factoring in drop off, and pick up commute) is a long day with a baby, say twice a week, when they’re used to the retired life of pleasing themselves. My PIL offered 3 days a week childcare (they insisted), but a few weeks in, realised was too much, so they cut it to one day.

Have to say how much I agree with PhilippaGeorgiou... I sometimes think that working parents somehow assume that grandparents are there t o allow them to carry on as before and it's often free childcare too. Im sure grandparents offer with the best of intentions but the facts are that babies are hard work and it's not always easy to appreciate that your parents are ageing and cannot manage what they once did. My sister would assume our Mum would care for her first baby whenever it suited (Oh she won't mind )but after a while it just became too much. Our Mum got worn out and saw her own life taken over when my sis and her husband carried on as before. . And this was someone who was fit and active. It's your child and your responsibility to provide care for them. If you read back your post do you realise how arrogant (if that's the right word)it appears when you write that your husband had to take a day off work to provide childcare. When you decided to become parents who else.did you imagine would do the caring? You must've realised that both of you continuing to work meant you were responsible for sorting out reliable childcare from the start. And even if the grandparents offered to help it was up to you to consider how realistic and feasible it was going to be. You seem to be blaming your in-laws but did you properly think it through? I'm not suggesting the grandparents are unreliable but you don't seem to have factored in that they are older and the issues that come from ageing even if you are in good health. If you both want to continue to work as you do now then you are going to have to pay for it.