MIL cancels agreed childcare last minute

[DnG]

Hi all, I'm looking for advice regarding childcare we've agreed with MIL and FIL. They've provided a few hours childcare for our baby per week and have agreed to so a full day when I'm back at work ft in a few months. MIL has now cancelled twice (for good reasons) on a short notice and it leaves us wondering about their reliability to provide consistent and reliable childcare when needed so we can both work. FIL recently had a stroke and were also worried this may impact their ability to be reliable in the future (he's doing much better now and said he's keen to watch baby).

Most recently MIL has cancelled a day in advance as saying she's tired and if we hadn't made plans she'd like to cancel. So far every time they've watched baby I've been working and had important meetings during the time they've been watching baby (rather than gallivanting around drinking coffees with mum friends) which makes me think they are not taking their responsibility and promises seriously or are not taking my job and my responsibilities seriously. My husband had to take a day off to look after baby as a consequence. Perhaps I'm overreacting but would it be wrong to consider an extra day of childcare to ensure reliability? Or am I overreacting?

Book formal childcare either for the full day explain to grandparents they are still free to have DC but this will hopefully take the pressure off them a bit. You'll obviously need to let nursery know in advance so grandparents will need to confirm each week if & when they want to see DC. I don't know many childcare settings that will complain if you are paying for a place and decide not to send them or if they are collected early (obviously at a convenient time). We did this with my parents when it got too much coming over at 8am & having DC until 6pm and it worked brilliantly albeit cost us more!We initially just booked DS in for the morning and they collected at lunchtime but eventually he went FT and it became more ad hoc with parents and they liked the flexibility of choosing what day/time each week to suit their diaries.

I do childcare with GS, with older GC in the past. The only time I cancelled was when I had pneumonia, if they just cancel you can't rely on them.

Formal childcare. Some GPs are amazing but IME some who don’t have the best health can underestimate how hard it really is to look after a little one (baby will become a toddler and that’s an even more difficult kettle of fish!) and some can see it as a “little bit of babysitting” not realising this is your childcare to enable you to work and provide for your family.
A nursery/childminder would be more expensive but a lot more reliable. If nursery staff are ill they get cover. Grandparents cancel last minute making “free” childcare a false economy unless you have some really fit, healthy and active GPs able to chase after a toddler all day regularly.
If you have doubts sort out alternative arrangements sooner rather than later. Nursery and childminder places are like gold dust and with the additional funding in September are getting to be more like unicorn dust.

I agree. I’ve provided regular childcare for years and years. I’ve never cancelled unless I’ve been prohibitively unwell and never last minute. I adore my grandchildren and have a very special relationship with them all, but it can be exceptionally hard work and quite relentless at times, as all parents will understand.

It’s not for the faint hearted and cannot be embarked upon without serious discussion and commitment on both sides. As the family gets larger, so does the workload and of course as one gets older, everything takes a little more toll on the body and mind!

It’s fine and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but I just want to stress the importance of everyone fully considering what is involved before committing.

You need formal, paid childcare. I agree that grandparents aren't obliged to provide childcare but if they do offer they ought to be very clear if they are committing to a fixed regular slot or if they just want to dip in and out occasionally.

Saying one thing and doing another is really unhelpful. My mum is like that and it took me by surprise as when I was a kid her grandparents had us a lot and I assumed she would follow suit. I think she liked the idea of being a grandma but in the sense of getting to occasionally push the buggy and show her friends. Fair enough but the really annoying thing would be her agreeing to have them (usually offering) and then changing her mind at the last minute because she didn't feel up to it or had decided to do something else. I gave up relying on her very quickly but my sister had some big falling outs with her. It's just not worth the grief.

I am not convinced that having a stroke, or dealing with a partner who has had a stroke, is a "whim". What they previously thought they could manage, or even what they want to try to support, has changed due to circumstances and reality. It has nothing to do with not taking their DIL's job or responsibilities seriously, which is a really outrageous thing to say. Perhaps the DIL could "take seriously" the fact that a grandparent has had a stroke and that is a big indicator that they need to consider themselves a priority.

Book the proper childcare. You can always then on certain days not send him the childcare, and send him to GP, or they can pick him up early from the childcare (my parents did this). But you know you have robust childcare in place.

Childcare logistics are hard enough, you won't have the headspace for this crap.

I'd book childcare. They can still be involved and loving grandparents without needing to commit to a regular time they're with them. It doesn't sound like it will be good for them or good for you if they have to keep cancelling.

Using a childcare provider takes the pressure and stress off both of you.

I would have booked the extra childcare as soon as FIL had a stroke tbh, you aren't seriously thinking it was ok to still expect the arrangement to continue after that were you?!

Pay for proper childcare, encourage iLs to enjoy time with their grandchildren in other ways. Consider other options such as some hours at the weekend or early pickups some days so that its still useful to you without the stress but primarily about them building a relationship with their grandchildren.

They may also be able to be an emergency backup care role would also be helpful.

It's not going to work. You need to find alternative childcare for your baby, it's as simple as that. You can't have someone backing out at the last minute on a regular basis. At the moment, it looks as if that's they way it will go.

Sorry it’s not going to work. FIL, having had one stroke, sadly is at greater risk of another and his health needs to take priority. Your MIL saying she is tired I suspect means they hadn’t realised quite how much it takes to look after a baby. If you rely on them I’m afraid you will end up panicking again because they pull out at short / no notice again. If it were me I would be organising proper paid childcare now to remove the stress from both sides. The In laws can still have time with your DC but in a more relaxed , non time regimented way when it works for both you and them.

Is set up the extra day and tell MIL why.

Then say if she can have baby and wants to have baby that day she still can but this relieves pressure off of all of you.

My children are teens now, so childcare is no longer a major concern for us, but I have seen the OP's situation play out so ma y times.

When the dc were babies/toddlers/preschoolers, every single family I knew who relied on grandparent childcare (about 10 families) ended up falling out with those grandparents. The grandparents like the idea of looking after grandchildren, but find that they're health isn't so good as it once was, or they get too tired to chase after a toddler, or they want to join a walking club or bridge group, or more grandchildren come along and they can't manage both, other they want to go on holiday when you're at a really busy time at work, or grandma feeds bubba nothing but chocolate buttons ....

Pay for reliable childcare for work - get a professional service that has back up for staff sickness and is open everyday expect a few days at Christmas etc, and save grandparents for ad hoc evenings and weekends.

I don't think that's true for everyone.

My in law's and alot of other grandparents I meet think it's the highlight of their week.

I suspect the OP's FIL having had a stroke is a string contributing factor

Let them do the emergency care rather than regular, sell it to them that they will be more helpful if they can help you out when for some reason dc can’t be in childcare eg sickness

Read that back op, your fil has had a stroke!! Clearly they are in a different place after such a serious health crisis. The odds of him having another one are very high. Be kind when you tell them you have booked childcare, this isn’t their fault.

I think going into it considering your FIL this was always going to be too much.

In a lot of nurseries five days isn’t much more than four.

i do think you are being in reasonable. Yeah they wanted to help but looking after a baby as a mum is tough and expecting grandparents week in week out to do it isn’t realistic in a lot of cases.

Think about what you are asking - older people one of whom has had a stroke to look after a baby.

Book rhe nursery.

I think you should put the nursery in place because you need the reliability.

It sounds like they want to do it and don’t want to say no, but it’s too much with FIL’s condition.

FWIW my PIL (MIL) once let me down very badly with childcare out of maliciousness and I never asked her to help out again. That was 10 years ago. Your situation is different, so be kind, but you need to sort your regular routine out.

You say she’s cancelled with no good reason then to go on to say her husband has just had a stroke! She’ll be exhausted and he’ll be recovering. You sound selfish.

Book the childcare

Good advice. GP can see baby at your convenience.

This is why you pay for childcare rather than expecting elderly people to provide it free of charge.

She literally said the opposite!

MIL has now cancelled twice (for good reasons)

Sounds like the want to help and enjoy the time with baby but also tired. I would book childcare to take the pressure off and if they want to take baby instead of childcare once in a while when they can I would facilitate that. Maybe collecting from nursery 2 hours early rather than a full day.