Telling teen son

[HollyhockDays]

I need to tell my teen son his dad has cancer. I’ve read a few bits online about how best to do it - does anyone have any tips / experience?

He’s 18 and just started uni. I just feel so broken for him that he’s facing this. Like his childhood is over.

Are you with his father?

Cancer doesn’t mean the end by any stretch of the imagination

Just tell him. Reassure him that treatment now a days is extremely effective

I am so sorry to hear this.
We were the same last year. I have one son also at uni and a daughter who was 16.
Very difficult and sad too.
My husband cancer has metastasis. Chemo did not work so now will start second line treatment.
I am very sorry.

Yes me and his dad are together. We are seeing the consultant this week and will know more about treatment. There is the possibility my son could donate his stem cells (blood cancer) but I don’t want to broach that yet / first thing.

I’m sorry to hear that. It’s a horrible place to be. How did your kids cope?

We were devastated. We found out that it had metastatic 2 days before going to Portugal to spend Christmas with my family when my husband was admitted to hospital.
he has adrenal cancer which is extremely rare. Only 70 in the Uk.
We knew it was cancer in October but were told that it was contained. My husband had an operation to remove the adrenal gland and cancer in November 25. So we did not say anything to the kids.
however when he was admitted on Christmas week we had and we were told that it was stage 4 we had to tell them when my husband was on his hospital bed.

First it was shock, then anger, then sadness and after we accept our faith.

My son is currently in his last year at university and my daughter will
be sitting her Alevels in May next year.
I am trying to protected them as much as I can. I worry that they will not be able to pass their exams….
Since we found out that the chemo did not work in September I had to ask my family and his family for emotional support.
We are alone in London and all our family live in Portugal or France.

His dad should tell him (unless they have a poor relationship). But really don’t make this a bigger thing than it needs to be. My kids were 11 & 6 when I was first diagnosed and then a bit older when my cancer came back, so Ive told them twice. It was really not a big deal. The older one was upset initially, but cancer absolutely doesn’t mean death. The most important thing is that you’re really direct and honest and give them all the information and answer all the questions.

I was 18 when my dad was diagnosed with cancer and died not long after. The worst part of it was that no one was willing to have the uncomfortable conversation and be truly honest with me. My parents protected themselves, but left me to figure it out myself. My dad was dying and no one told me because they thought it would just be too awful. I never got to say goodbye to him before he died and even now my questions have never been fully answered (that was 25 years ago).

When I was diagnosed, I was certain I was going to handle things very differently and I have. It’s been a very different and much less traumatic experience for my children. Kids, even young adult ones, are much more resilient than we give them credit for.

I'm really sorry @HollyhockDays - it's so unfair. My mum got breast cancer just before my 18th birthday (recovered and still going strong). Are you and your DH able to tell him together?

Obviously only you know your son best. But, from my experience, I would say to be absolutely open, honest and transparent. Tell him as much and as fully as you can and promise to answer all his questions as honestly as you are able.

My parents were very religious. Fine, but a lot of people around me at the time were convinced of the healing powers of prayer and muttered in vague tones about outcomes and oblique sources of comfort and relief. This didn't help. I wanted to know what was actually happening, how I could help, and what the realistic prospects were. I wanted to be strong in times of trouble. And it was perfectly OK to be told "we don't know yet, but we will tell you when we do" if that is the present case.

Macmillan offer support that you and your son can call on, including a support line. Emotional, financial and physical help for people with cancer | Macmillan Cancer Support. There will also be a student support service at your DS's uni; it might be helpful (if he wants to) to loop them in so that they are aware and can help. Unhappily I had a sh~tstick lecturer at my college who caught me crying on the day I was told and berated me for it, saying "I don't know why you're crying, loads of people get it these days", but she had form and was sh~tty generally to everyone. However, this was 30 years ago now. It was a different time.

All I can say, really, is to be open with your son. It's beyond horrible. But you can face it together. I have no right to align my cancer experience with @mindutopia's, but I completely agree with their experience of a sense of hurt and betrayal in not being told everything and being left hanging in the direst of times.

I sincerely wish you a positive outcome in all things, and happier days to come for you and your family. I hope the consultant appointment goes OK. x 💐

I'd wait until you have more answers for your ds - type, stage, treatment plan etc.

The word cancer is scary enough, at least if you have more information you'll be able to give him some answers.

(My dsil told my DC that my mum had cancer waaaay before there was any more information than just the scary headline. I was going to wait, with my mum's blessing, to tell them when she had a better idea of what was what. It catastrophically upset my DC and I'll never forgive my dsil for causing them so much pain before any of us were ready to deal with it)

Hope the consultant has reassuring news.

Wait until you have all the information that you could have at this stage, and there's some kind of plan in place.

Then you can break the news, and manage his expectations with what to expect over the coming months. Also be clear about 'unknowns'.

Make it clear that he will know something as soon as you do. There will be no secrets and he can ask anything at anytime.

The other thing, and it's important - give him a role/job to do to 'help', e.g. 'We'll need you to ...', '..this will be a real help'.

You can't underestimate how helpless someone might feel, so give them something to do, a clear role that they can carry out.

Sorry your dh has had this diagnosis, but don't make the 'telling him' into more than it needs to be.

When you have the treatment plan in place, then just tell him factually.

This is the diagnosis, and this is what the plan is for treatment.

Be honest, and let him process it.

If there is a possibility of him being a donor, leave that bit out to begin with, but you can talk about the fact there is a possibility donated cells might help and let him think about whether he is a possible donor before suggesting it.

This is really good advice