Is it intrusive to message a newly diagnosed friend?

[pelagra]

I have a friend who has just been diagnosed. Is it Ok to message her to ask how her appointments have gone, or should I wait until see her? I'm aware that a message can drop on her at any time and I won't know how she is feeling at that moment. Face to face it is easier to gauge her state of mind.

It's hard to know, a message to let someone know you are thinking of them us always nice.

My husband has cancer. The messages we find most helpful are the “Hope the appointment today went ok, was thinking of you. Let me know if you want to now, or we can chat when we next meet up” ones.

Everyones different but.... in my experience (diagnosed in july) I appreciate when people check in and remember about appointments and such. I got a flurry of messages right after I told people/ after surgery, and responding can start to feel like admin, but I was still glad to hear from people. I've appreciated people who have checked in after a few weeks once the intial flurry has died down (can start to feel lonely at that point)

Other thing i would mention is that if the person lives with someone who is affected and you know them well enough to message that can be nice too. No one has really messaged my DH but I know he would appreciate it.

I agree with @Dragononawagon my teen dc had cancer and the messages that state we dont require a reply are the best.
The ones that ignore us/haven't been in touch have been hardest for dc. Also I have a friend who will just text 'hi' or 'good morning ' I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with that.
Some days we can't even make a simple decision like what we want to drink but some days its easier and we want to/can talk and knowing someone's there we can reach out to helps.
Somedays I'm up for general chit chat /hearing people's news (good and bad) but 2 days after diagnosis the friend that sat and moaned about work was not what I wanted to hear/could cope with. So your right some times face to face is easier to gauge but when your not there a text that let's you know someone cares but isn't asking for anything can mean the world.
The fact your asking means your a thoughtful friend.

I would go contacting offering support but saying you understand if they’re not able to reply at the moment.

Contact but be open ended. Don't ask to know their treatment plan or tell them about your friend who has cancer but is totally healthy now. Don't tell them it's all going to be fine. Don't tell them you're praying for them unless they pray, too.

I’d go with something like “thinking of you, hope everything is going as well as possible. Here any time if you need anything or want to chat.”

I’d avoid asking questions or mentioning specific things like appointments in case the appointment was cancelled or didn’t go well.

Thanks everyone, that was helpful to me. I'm sorry any of you are in circumstances to be here, and I hope you all get the support you need.

Yes always lovely to hear from friends.

when I was in treatment people were praying for me across the country through friendship groups. I’m not religious but the kindness of that thought was so touching

I appreciate messages (but please tell them you dont expect any response ). A unexpected message often helps lift my mind if it is mooching in the grim dregs.

Yeah, my one annoying friend was the one that asked 'how was it' etc after every appointment. It felt in a way that she just wanted more info than everyone else in our circle. She then never really committed any time to see me once I'd recovered - you can tell I've evaluated that friendship!

One lovely person dropped a care package on my doorstep. Very thoughtful gifts. No response or information expected. She also suggested loads of meet ups when I was off work. Always at my own pace. It was her day off and I really valued it.

I appreciated messages when I had cancer treatment - the ones which had listened to you were the best - just how are you feeling and hope the appointment went OK type messages.

Absolutely message just don't ask too much
"Hi X, hope your treatment is going ok, do message me if I can help at all." Is something she can answer when she wants, doesn't need to answer at all, and can answer with "any chance you could drop off some milk or take me to chemo on Thursday?" if she wants.

"Hi X, Where have you got to in your treatments? Have they gone well so far?" Could make her feel rude if she doesn't have the energy to reply of doesn't want to answer.

Our dear friend cooked us meatballs to heat up when we need it. Best wonderful gift when a family is unwell