How to support friend on end of life care

[Lollypopalot]

Lovely friend is receiving end of life care at home. She has 2 kids aged 12 and 9 plus a hugely supportive partner. Completely understandably her and her family don't want to be in contact with anyone right now, and our friendship group are of course respecting this. However one friend feels we should be 'doing something' and wants to send a gift. I'm worried that any gift feels like we're trivialising the situation. Has anyone been in this situation and can offer some advice? Thank you.

Do the traditional thing of delivering a home made cake/ casserole/ lasagne for them? Save them worrying about food without imposing yourself or any trivial “gift”.

How terribly sad.
I got a photo book made of pictures of us and other friends and sent it to her accompanied by a letter.
If suggest even sending a card with a message that family can read to her if she is too unwell to read it herself
Really, in this situation, to know you are loved matters so much.

Having some frozen meals delivered was really helpful, ones like Cook.

Also the friends who took my kids out for an evening to the cinema or a show were a life saver.

After the initial shock, checking in with them without the need for them to respond helps too.

End of life can be a very long and lonely road, so consistent check in even at a low level are hugely reassuring.

I’d avoid food unless for the family. She may be unable to eat or v poor appetite.
My daughter’s best friend had a pillowcase made for her with photos of happy times together. She treasured that.
Anything pampering is good peppermint foot cream, hand cream, warm socks, a luxury eye mask a nice fleecy blanket.
I’m so sorry. It’s hard to know what to say but cards and letters are good.

One of the things that touched my late DAuntie the most was having a donation made in her name to a cancer-care charity.

Some nice home made family meals for the freezer. Obviously she might not be able to enjoy them. But this will hugely help her partner and kids. I would focus on things to make life a bit easier over the next few weeks.
Especially if you know them well enough and know what food the kids enjoy.
Going through such stressful times, I think it’s important to just doing thing. don’t ask what you can do as it’s just something else for them to think about.
Take turns to drop food, a nice breakfast and coffees left on the door step, m&s picky bits for lunch. Home cooked food, nice fruit and juice.

Different situation but when I was very poorly, my friend who just text and said I’ve dropped 5 days of meals and some treats for the kids was a god send. I had so many other people saying let me know what I can do but I couldn’t think! That helped my family focus on me.

I would respect their wishes. Sometimes wanting to “do something” is more about making ourselves feel better than helping the person who’s dying. Make it clear they can contact you any time if they need anything then respect their request for space. There will be plenty of time in the future for you to support the family but this time is time they will never get back. They don’t need the mental load of dealing with unwanted contact, gifts that they have to thank people for etc.

I’m so sorry to read this and hope you are doing ok. I second what others have said. It is so sad.

I was in exactly this situation, I sent my friend 2 gifts at different times. 1 was a bracelet that said f* cancer in morse code. She wore it for all chemo sessions. Later on when it was the last few months of her life I sent her a candle ( she loved candles) that said no words just love and hugs. I chose a scent I knew she liked. It arrived within 24 hours and she messaged me saying how lovely it was.

She doesn’t need gifts at this stage. Food for the family is usually really appreciated, and offering to take the kids off for an afternoon might be helpful - but I wouldn’t push this, as depending on how close to the end she is they may not want to leave the house. I’m very sorry for your loss

My DH is in ICU receiving end of life care. Today a friend is sitting in my house with my dog, waiting for a delivery and supervising the cleaners.

People keep offering support and I don't really know what to ask for but this kind of practical help is much more valuable to me than gifts (although I've also received several Starbucks vouchers to use in the hospital!)

My DH was end of life and the worst messages I got were ‘let us know what we can do/just ask us for help?’ Or a one line ‘thinking of you’. Sent on a regular basis, it felt like we were on their tick list.

The best ‘dropping off a lasagne in 10 mins, you can heat and eat or freeze’ or ‘I’ll pick the kids up for dance class and drop back after’.

Send regular messages or a card that includes a happy/funny memory. I read these out regularly to my DH.

I completely agree. I think the messages of ‘let me know if there’s anything I can do to help’ are frustrating. The person who is ill is just managing to get through the day and the family is in survival mode- they can’t think straight.
I think sending a card/letter might be a good idea. I would respect their space and privacy. You can sort practical things afterwards like dog walking/ baby sitting/ dinners

And your friend would know you love her and care for her. Some video messages might be helpful? Not sure