How to support friend whose husband has late stage cancer?

[Ruskbelt]

Looking for some general advice from people who have been through this. Friend's husband has recently been diagnosed with late stage cancer. Very much out of the blue and obviously she is beside herself. I don't know the prognosis but based on what I know the long-term survival odds aren't great.

She's not in my absolute closest circle of friends but is a good friend, and I just want to know what was helpful for people who have been in this position. She's quite private and not a great emoter, so I don't think she wants to talk through it a lot. All of our friendship group has communicated to her that we are there for her and she has been grateful but so far signalled that she doesn't really want to go there.

Beyond that, is it helpful to just step back and accept that its their own private battle or is there anything else we can do?

I'm very conscious that other people who have been through this have said they felt very abandoned by friends when they were in this situation because a lot of people stepped back (presumably because they also didn't know what to do). But I don't want to bombard them with inappropriate well wishes or to intrude on the situation.

Would appreciate any advice.

Do you know him? Just wondering if you could offer to sit with him, play cards, chess, board games, while she does something for herself or something she needs to get done.

Taking a few meals round (obviously offer/ask before turning up) can be great for situations like this.

As much or as little talking/opening up as she wants and it shows that you’re there to help.

If you can maybe offer to help with any lifts or things like that? If you’re popping to a shop ask if they need anything

I can only imagine that basics life logistics must get very hard in situations like this.

I don't really, have only met him a handful of times. I'm very much her friend, not his (not that I don't like him, just haven't been exposed to him much). But I think finding time for her to do things on her own is a good idea.

In my experience, they wanted to just be seen as the person they were/are rather than cancer being the focus. So if they have hobbies, interests etc, you could do something like that to keep in touch without it all being cancer related. But also remember that they are probably in huge shock and trying to navigate what the future holds regarding any treatment/care plan. They may also be experiencing grief for the loss of the life they had planned. Be led by them for when they are ready to talk about it.

If she is not amongst your closest friends and you don't really know him to be honest I wouldn't keep a little distance.
Presumably he has friends who could sit with him, or there is family ?
I was diagnosed with cancer this year and to be blunt some of friends were killing me with kindness.
Send her a text to let her know you are there if needed, don't exclude her from any plans being made by the group, she can decide if she can come.
Please dont turn up with food, however well intended, unless asked.
If his death is really that imminent, its after wards she will need people as well.

My husband recently died from cancer. Personally I found it really helpful to have friends who were willing to consistently be there with me, talk about what I was going through, but also just be friends and not treat me as in some special category. Of course she might not want that, she might be overwhelmed with having to care for her husband, go to appointments etc. I would suggest you keep in touch with her reasonably regularly, offering to be there for her, but with texts that don't require an answer so that she doesn't feel it's another thing she has to do. That way you can take the lead from her. If you do spend time with her, make sure you keep being there for her. I had an experience where I really opened up to someone I thought of as a friend who then didn't get back to me for months. Probably they just didn't want to overwhelm me with contact, but if you make yourself emotionally vulnerable over something like this, it's really hard if they then seem to feel they've ticked you off their to do list and don't really care.

Other practical things. Some people got us food vouchers e.g. for Cook. That was useful and better than having food turn up that was difficult to store/people didn't like etc. If she has kids then being around to ferry them/babysit (if young) at short notice could be invaluable.

I've not been through this but have had cancer / chemo etc. I would say it varies by person how people react and what they find helpful but as a general rule its good to listen and mirror how they are. Like someone who is very worried about cancer don't say oh its nothing, be positive, be strong, you got this, instead listen to worries, ask them how they are feeling and be sympathetic. Someone who is very positive and saying they would survive forever reflect that and go along with it.

You find some people fall apart on a cancer diagnosis understandably and others stay strong but often collapse after treatment ends. It may be she is in the latter category where she's trying to be really strong and unemotional to get through it and will more need people after. Now she might need people who don't talk about cancer but still see her as a person.

Offers of help its better to offer specific things but avoid doing things not asked to. Some people would worry about infection risk with food or just food is one thing they can do themselves. Though I preferred people to make contact and also you find initially people make contact then they seem to get bored so people who stick around are useful. When DH had a manager with terminal cancer and little anxious mouse of a wife with cancer I wrote them a card with our number in and a kind message and they really appreciated that. I would have thought a friend making food was very kind but I would not have wanted it but I would much have preferred that to being ignored.

Thank you all. I really appreciate this. My instinct is that she will want as much “normality” as possible: she is quite no nonsense and not someone who wears her heart on her sleeve.

I live too far away to deliver food to her, so that’s a nonstarter. But the advice on making her feel she is still one of us is welcome.

My husband died recently after shock diagnosis and complications. Myself and children (older) went into a hospital bubble and when he died a pre funeral bubble. We were very hard to support and I know my family and friends felt helpless. I could only really communicate by whatsapp. Even then sometimes with just a kiss or a love heart emoji. Just starting to see people now after funeral. Play by ear. Being asked if wanted to meet/ coffee felt like a pressure for me but everyone different.

I would send a handwritten card, expressing your sadness at hearing the circumstances and that you do not wish to intrude, but you need for her to know that you are thinking of them, wishing them well, and if she wants to have 'time out' or a listening ear, or some shopping done, or whatever you can do to support, you are available. That way you are not forcing anything, not intruding, but simply 'being there'.

My mum's friend group went through this not so long ago and they all committed to a fortnightly get together for a meal/afternoon tea/coffee in the park or at one of their houses for a pamper day to keep things normal for their friend and give her a light hearted space. They would chat normally but leave a sort of unspoken opportunity for her to share/vent/cry when she needed to that she knew was there. It can be however often you like or want but sometimes just providing an escape to normality helps too.