I don't know if this is the right place for this but I need somewhere to rant. I feel so heartbroken and alone.
A little back story:
I was diagnosed with stage 2 invasive ductal breast cancer in my right breast at the end of April. I have since had a lumpectomy and axillary node clearance. This week will be 5 weeks since surgery. Next steps are chemotherapy beginning around September. My partner up to this point has been mostly supportive. We have a 5 year old and a 2 year old so life is busy at the best of times.
2 weeks ago, I found a new, hard lump on my left breast. It brought back a lot of anxiety. I told my breast care nurse who got me an appointment for last Fri. It's summer holidays so childcare is awkward but my partner agreed to take the children to his work while I had this appointment. I know this isn't ideal - my partner works in a pet shop and regularly takes our 5y/o to help out on weekends. It's a bit more awkward with the 5y/o. The night before my appointment, he said he couldn't have both so we agreed if take the eldest with me, and then I'd collect the youngest after.
We all travelled with him to his work that morning. I was preparing to leave with 5y/o, my partner got stressed and said he couldn't have either at work with him, ignored my 2y/o who had fallen and scraped his knees and huffed off. My kids are lovely but when together, they can be a real handful. It wasn't plausible for me to take them to my appointment, so I cancelled and took them to an animal park instead as its their summer holidays and their plans had already been messed about. My partner claims I didn't need to cancel and is adamant he had no part in my need to do so as he was taking my 2y/o, despite what he said and how he acted. He completely blames me.
My energy levels are super low at the best of times, but after a busy week, the start of the summer hols, the day out previously and the anxiety around my new lump, I the spent the sat morning resting in bed as I just didn't have the energy to get up. When I joined my family for the day, my partner was so cross that I'd rested. We got into an argument and I did it - I used the cancer card. His response? He's basically a single dad. That hit hard and hurt so much. I'm not sure I can ever forgive it.
The weekend was tense. He shouts at the children, has not made an effort to make amends with me, and I've been very aware of my energy levels and trying to be more involved.
Anyway, bringing us to today. My appointment to check the lump was rearranged for this afternoon and this morning I just felt so scared. The reality of impending chemo is also weighing heavy on me and I found myself tearful and just wanting to stay in bed. All I want is someone who will hug me and tell me it's all going to be OK and I see my partner isn't going to be that person. Before leaving for the appointment we were running late and admittedly I was getting stressed, and he told me, quote, "all I do is whine and cancel appointments." (this whole journey, I've only cancelled that one appointment, and I don't think I whine much. I don't talk to him much about how I feel cos he's never very responsive).
He came with me to my appointment (all good - normal benign breast tissue 🥳) but that meant we had to bring the kids too, who predictably started fighting in the waiting room, and he just ignored it. I had to referee while just wanting to cry.
Honestly I just feel like giving up. I'm not sure I can do this alone, but equally I don't think I can do this with him. If I mention I feel tired, he just tells me he's tired too, that he's been tired since our 5y/o was born. There's absolutely zero empathy and I'm distraught.
Sorry for the long message. I need to get it out. I'm not sure if I want advice on what to do, or just to not feel alone. Thanks for reading.