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Cancer

Find advice & support if you or someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer

Original poster

Any experience of telling your children you have terminal cancer?

73 replies

redandyellowbits · 27/08/2024 19:00

I am a single mum and have just been diagnosed with untreatable uterine cancer. I will be taking chemo for as long as it works, so I may still be around for a while to come.

However I need to let my DC know of the diagnosis so they are able to process the news and have some time to spend with me whilst they can.

Any tips for anyone who has done this?

Please can I ask posters NOT to respond with any 'I'm sorry' or 'You'll beat this' type messages or similar as this is a practical thread and I am not up to hearing those sorts of messages. I will ask for the thread to be deleted if this does happen. I hope you can understand this.

OP posts:
howtobehappy78 · 27/08/2024 19:00

How old are your children?

umberellaonesie · 27/08/2024 19:03

I would have good chat with your oncology nurse about their experience with families and how to give information
In my family I would tell the kids all the facts and then set up support from friends family professionals to navigate the emotional stuff. But that is my kids my family you will know what you and they can handle.

Sheelanogig · 27/08/2024 19:03

How old are your children?
Speak with staff at the hospital and with organisations like Macmillian etc...
They can help put in long term support and help through the grieving periods.

CheeseWisely · 27/08/2024 19:05

If you're near one of the Maggie's Centres OP please get in touch with them, they're very experienced in helping families through this.

namenamification · 27/08/2024 19:09

A cousin was in this situation. Kids were aged about 8 and 10 at the start. The McMillan nurse set up some amazing support for the kids which included face to face counselling, tailored support, I think some kind of holiday/respite type of arrangement too. There was also practical support for cousin in terms of writing a will, arranging guardianship etc.

By the time she died, the kids were young adults, but I believe the support they had when younger was helpful.

ETA it might have been through Maggies rather than MacMillan.

Original poster
redandyellowbits · 27/08/2024 19:10

howtobehappy78 · 27/08/2024 19:00

How old are your children?

I have 3 girls, they are 17, 15 and 12.

OP posts:
LadyCurd · 27/08/2024 19:11

I’m supporting a single mum friend through similar. She has a 12 year old and has been getting treatment for last two years but it’s in her brain now so she may not make it til Christmas. Winstons wish are AMAZING their helpline is fantastic and they send out lots of lovely resources. They explain it really well. Kiddos will compartmentalise the news so sometimes they will seem happy go lucky other times devastated. I’ve been trying to get my friend to do lots of memory stuff but she won’t as doesn’t feel ready so I worry we may miss that. She has a diary she was writing in with him but won’t do any voice recordings at the minute. I think a big thing that helped my friends son is him knowing he was going to grandparents from early on so he knows what the plan is.

theduchessofspork · 27/08/2024 19:13

I have also had great experiences with Winston’s wish.

Original poster
redandyellowbits · 27/08/2024 19:13

I have the added complication of an abusive exH and I know the girls will worry about being forced to live with him, although he lives 2h away and doesn't have much face to face contact with him.

I am dealing with this and hopefully they can stay with my family who they live very close to.

This is one of the reasons I want to tell them so all their fears or worries are answered by me and we can deal with them together. I thought some group counselling for us together might be useful but I don't know if that is a thing.

And don't really know what else to consider or what might be helpful for them.

OP posts:
Pantaloons99 · 27/08/2024 19:13

My situation isn't the same but I have serious health challenges that have virtually incapacitated me and I had to ensure full time care went to child's father and stepmum and away from me.

I talked this through alot with a counsellor in the run up to telling child and answering questions.

The advice is and always was to just tell the absolute truth. I don't think you need at this point to say it's terminal. If there's a good chance or hope that you can be around for years? You could start with something like -

' I've got a condition that makes my body a bit poorly and I will have to take medicine for it. '

Once you open it with that, let the questions flow and tell the truth. The truth is much less scary than what they imagine or when they overhear whispers between adults.

One question may be ' what is it called' then tell the truth ( cancer ). Then they'll talk about dying I imagine. If they ask will you die ( I've had this alot as been hospitalised and close to dying), I would answer with a smile, ' I hope not. The doctors have lots of medicine to try:.

In my experience, they tend to live so much in the moment up to a certain age that they'll get on and just be kids again even after heavy conversations.

So much of this depends on your prognosis - which I appreciate may be unclear.

If you are up for it, maybe think about finding a counsellor to talk to. A professional one you find yourself ( not necessarily NHS).

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 27/08/2024 19:14

Truthfully and honestly. Mine were younger when my late husband died but even at the age of 9 the eldest appreciated the honesty. I would also perhaps get some affairs in order first as they will ask what’s going to happen to them so try and be able to answer that as best you can.

Original poster
redandyellowbits · 27/08/2024 19:15

I do have a Maggie's Centre so will ask them for support, but its nice to know other people's thoughts too

OP posts:
Arriettyborrower · 27/08/2024 19:15

How old are your children? Mine were teens when DH was dx, the way he managed it wasn’t amazing, just told them very bluntly.
I then chatted with them, talked about what would happen next and how he wanted things to be, asked them how they felt and checked in with them regularly. It was important to be honest with them, they were old enough to talk about things in an adult way, but above all being honest, realistic and giving them time to ask questions and permission to not ask anything either. It was very important to them that I was very clear that he was going to die, and fairly soon.

I Would imagine your children will be very concerned about who they will live with? Have you sorted this? Mine were concerned about how our lives would change after, my youngest was very affected by the physical change in DH, talking about that was helpful.

Neither of them have accessed counselling/therapy but I periodically offer it and have shared details of Winston’s wish with them, they can access support there independently from the age of 13.

Sending you so much love x

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 27/08/2024 19:16

With regards to counselling be led by your children… don’t force it on them, or make them feel like that’s the expectation. My eldest is dead against counselling (rightly or wrongly) and the few sessions he did have made the situation a lot worse. They need to feel in control at a time when they are really not in control.

FortyFacedFuckers · 27/08/2024 19:16

Do you have a local hospice I know they really helped my sister with talking to her kids when a family member was in a similar situation

Original poster
redandyellowbits · 27/08/2024 19:18

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 27/08/2024 19:16

With regards to counselling be led by your children… don’t force it on them, or make them feel like that’s the expectation. My eldest is dead against counselling (rightly or wrongly) and the few sessions he did have made the situation a lot worse. They need to feel in control at a time when they are really not in control.

My DDs have been offered counselling in the past (because of abusive exH) and have flatly refused it too. They have always preferred to speak to me, or my family about it, we have lived nearby for the past 10 years and so they are very close to my siblings and to their cousins, which will be a help to them.

OP posts:
Pantaloons99 · 27/08/2024 19:20

I would not force the group counselling idea and focus on other things - counselling for yourself to process all your grief and fear and practicalities. I lost a parent in horrible circumstances. I did not want any counselling. I chose it later as an adult.

Can you have an honest chat with family and ask them if they can in reality be carers for the kids in your absence ? That sounds really important

Original poster
redandyellowbits · 27/08/2024 19:21

Pantaloons99 · 27/08/2024 19:13

My situation isn't the same but I have serious health challenges that have virtually incapacitated me and I had to ensure full time care went to child's father and stepmum and away from me.

I talked this through alot with a counsellor in the run up to telling child and answering questions.

The advice is and always was to just tell the absolute truth. I don't think you need at this point to say it's terminal. If there's a good chance or hope that you can be around for years? You could start with something like -

' I've got a condition that makes my body a bit poorly and I will have to take medicine for it. '

Once you open it with that, let the questions flow and tell the truth. The truth is much less scary than what they imagine or when they overhear whispers between adults.

One question may be ' what is it called' then tell the truth ( cancer ). Then they'll talk about dying I imagine. If they ask will you die ( I've had this alot as been hospitalised and close to dying), I would answer with a smile, ' I hope not. The doctors have lots of medicine to try:.

In my experience, they tend to live so much in the moment up to a certain age that they'll get on and just be kids again even after heavy conversations.

So much of this depends on your prognosis - which I appreciate may be unclear.

If you are up for it, maybe think about finding a counsellor to talk to. A professional one you find yourself ( not necessarily NHS).

Edited

Thank you, it makes sense to not tell them its terminal as I don't know the prognosis yet myself (and I don't wish to know it either).

For now, I am very well and you wouldn't know anything is wrong at all, I am working and living as a single mum as usual.

I don't want it to be a shock for them if I suddenly ill and for them not to have had time to process this whilst I am still here and available for them to ask questions and to spend time with.

OP posts:
Original poster
redandyellowbits · 27/08/2024 19:23

Pantaloons99 · 27/08/2024 19:20

I would not force the group counselling idea and focus on other things - counselling for yourself to process all your grief and fear and practicalities. I lost a parent in horrible circumstances. I did not want any counselling. I chose it later as an adult.

Can you have an honest chat with family and ask them if they can in reality be carers for the kids in your absence ? That sounds really important

I have had the chat with my siblings and they are willing to take on the girls, without question.

However I need to have a further chat for sure to figure out how this would actually work in practice and to pin down the details, as everyone is in a bit of denial at the moment and pretending this is not happening.

OP posts:
Arriettyborrower · 27/08/2024 19:25

Can see you have updated with their ages, v similar to mine (15+13 at the time). Some great, practical advice from other posters too.
One of mine stayed at home all the time with DH (diagnosed and died in 11 week period including all of summer hols) the other stayed with friends a lot which was also fine, I was sure to be clear that it was fine to do this, closer to the end he went away with a friend, I chatted with him about the possibility that his dad might die when away and asked would he want to come/be contacted etc but ultimately acknowledged that he wasn’t coping well with his dad being extremely unwell at home and that was ok,

Agree with another poster about getting your affairs in order and sharing the details appropriately with the girls, mine knew what our wills said, some detail around finances, what would happen if I then died etc etc. they were also as involved as they wanted to be with funeral planning.

Pantaloons99 · 27/08/2024 19:28

@redandyellowbits that's a comfort ref siblings.

HDready · 27/08/2024 19:29

The Ruth Strauss Foundation was set up to provide support to families in situations like yours - https://ruthstraussfoundation.com

Original poster
redandyellowbits · 27/08/2024 19:32

Pantaloons99 · 27/08/2024 19:28

@redandyellowbits that's a comfort ref siblings.

It really is a comfort, I am very lucky I have an amazing family to support us through this.

It does not feel real at all at this stage and I am sure they are thinking the same. So at some stage we will have to have a difficult conversation about how exactly they will look after and guide my girls.

OP posts:
SnobblyBobbly · 27/08/2024 19:42

I have unfortunately. My children were 9 & 13 when I found out I had stage 4 breast cancer. I'd never had any cancer before so it was a whole new world for us and maybe easier in some ways as there was never the possibility of a cure.

I sat my daughter down - she was 13 and told her that I had breast cancer. We knew there was a possibility that it was incurable then and found out just a matter of days later that it was incurable for sure. She was relatively ok. We were sad, of course, but I think it was just weird and the words didn't (and still don't) feel quite real.

She's 17, almost 18 now and I'm still ok at the moment, but it's an ongoing process to develop their understanding. People mean well and we've had teachers and TA's tell them that they know so and so who had Breast Cancer in their 40's and is now 70 something, so they come home all happy and hopeful, and I have to explain all over again that my cancer is different. I'm hopeful, but no means have I given up, but reality needs to run side by side with that.

We talk about it from time to time. Sometimes we cry. Sometimes we discuss who they want me to haunt for them ☺️

It's shit really, but I firmly believe and they agree, that it's better that they know the truth and can be at least a little bit prepared. I'd hate for them to ever think that I'd spent whatever time we have together lying to them.

It also helps them to appreciate that our time is precious and I have to say that I think we're all the closer because of it.

My son was 9 and he knew things were going on, but I hadn't found the right time to talk to him, and he came across a search I did about cancer on YouTube because we shared an account at the time. So he came and asked me. It wasn't how I planned it, but it opened the conversation and we took it from there.

Facts, comfort, tears, squeezed in a bit of laughter and they have been utterly amazing. They always comfort me on the dark days. Which aren't that often anymore, but I'm glad they know and we can all support each other.

Original poster
redandyellowbits · 27/08/2024 19:47

@SnobblyBobbly thank you so much for this.

I'd hate for them to ever think that I'd spent whatever time we have together lying to them.

I think I have just realised this today, the penny has dropped that I have been lying to them and none of this feels right, so I have to let them know what is happening and have to be able to help them to manage their responses.

It's never a good time, but I would like to be here for a few years at least to get them through GCSE and A level years unscathed as much as possible. I am positive at the moment but of course I have difficult days.

Are you a single parent? How do you deal with that side of things?

OP posts: