Any experience of telling your children you have terminal cancer?

[redandyellowbits]

I am a single mum and have just been diagnosed with untreatable uterine cancer. I will be taking chemo for as long as it works, so I may still be around for a while to come.

However I need to let my DC know of the diagnosis so they are able to process the news and have some time to spend with me whilst they can.

Any tips for anyone who has done this?

Please can I ask posters NOT to respond with any 'I'm sorry' or 'You'll beat this' type messages or similar as this is a practical thread and I am not up to hearing those sorts of messages. I will ask for the thread to be deleted if this does happen. I hope you can understand this.

As others have said, factually and honestly. You have daughters and they are old enough to assimilate the information. You also sound a tight unit, so you can help each other as the cancer bites.

I would advise asking for a certificate of competency. Not because you're gaga - indeed far from it - but to stop ex from agitating the brown stuff once you're gone. Then, take this to a solicitor who can draw up a watertight will and keep ex away from your children. Make arrangements ahead of time with family so their care, and anything else, is a done deal. Keep the news of your passing from him as long as possible. He won't be able to fuck around if he doesn't know. And (I believe) after 6 months a Will cannot be challenged.

Then keep going for as long as you can.

Sending hugs 💐

This is a really good point, I am incurable rather than terminal and I may be around for a good few years yet.

I need to remember that and be clear to them that I may well be around for a good while yet.

I'm not a single parent, no, I'm still with their Dad and it's all good on that side of things. They will have him which I'm grateful for and I can imagine how difficult it must be for you if things are bad with your ex.

My own Dad died when I was 5 - so a lot younger than mine, but I still remember not being allowed to go to the funeral and the feeling of not quite understanding what was happening, and sometimes feeling I'd said the 'wrong' thing and upsetting my Mum. I know if I were my child, I'd feel like, 'if I'd known I would have done this, or could have done that.' I don't want to leave them with unnecessary regrets.

I also did the practical things like told the schools/spoke to pastoral care etc. I update them when things go wrong - I've had spread twice to my brain in the past 4ish years so couldn't drive for a while, and it all had an impact. We've spoken about counselling and I have a little list that I keep in my notes for them and for DH so they can find help or advice as and when they might need it.

I just go with the flow day to day and keep things normal. There will come a point that this thing will be front and centre of our lives, but I don't want it to take over until it has to.

It may be worth some legal advice regarding living situation for the girls. Some solicitors offer a free slot for 30 minutes. Personally, if it was me, I'd want a definite answer for this before telling them because it would help ease some of their worry.
I've seen family experience this. On one side DC was very practical, helping with cooking and house work and on the other the DCs all buried their head in the sand. I don't blame for this, they coped by pretending nothing was happening and carrying on as before.
There'll be different reactions that you need to prepare yourself for. You need to take care of yourself in order to care for them. There'll be counselling for you too, if you feel like trying.

Well, you know your kids best. But I'll tell you what we did.
We have good friends and we gave them the heads up. Then we invited them and their kids- who were our kids besties- and explained it.
We also gave them all a kids orientated hand out.

We wanted them and their friends to hear so that they could talk to each other.
(We also had a talk with them on their own).

Also, we bring it up casually in conversation- like, daddy's going for his cancer blood test- so it's not seen as some secret thing.
I have also been upset in front of them- I want them to see it's not about hiding your feelings.
All the best xx

When a close family member died at a youngish age she was clear she didn't want to do anything much different to her usual things. Obviously we were all conscious of the fact she was going to die and we did chat about it but she didn't do bucket list types of things and she didn't do any memory box or letter at all. Death wasn't a taboo subject with her at all it just she wanted to carry on with her normal day to day life as much as possible.
I hope I've explained that ok and I hope it isn't insensitive. It's just a different perspective to some other peoples.

Yes I think I am more like this, I don't have any inclination for bucket-list type things, I just want to be at home with my children and have a normal life for as long as I can.

I worked hard to be an independent single mum and have loved the life I have lived so far with my daughters. So I just want to continue having some more of it.

An earlier poster made a good comment about control, ultimately none of you can control the outcome of this but you can all control and manage a huge amount of elements, and feeling in control is settling and reassuring and purposeful. I think my kids found it useful, empowering, to have control around some aspects and they definitely felt reassured that the practical aspects were covered and that they had an idea of how their lives would look after.

I realise that this is an early question but do you have a local Hospice?
Often, in addition, to residential care they offer support for the ill person at home and support for the family, including children. It can be in the form of group therapy, family therapy and individual therapy.

My family recently had about 8 months of support from our local hospice, which culminated with our cancer sufferer spending their last week in the hospice.
I did take advantage of the counselling at the time & am considering asking for some further support now as there are some things I'm struggling with.

I do have a local hospice, I haven't yet started using their services but have been referred for some physio. I am relatively early on in my treatment (3 chemo cycles so far) and so I am doing ok at the moment. I am sure I'll need them as the illness progresses.

You sound so lovely, OP.

Regarding when to tell them, I think probably after the next consultant appointment. Reasons being:

1. It's pretty soon anyway.
2. As you say, you will have more information by then and will be able to answer more of their questions.
3. They'll have school to keep them busy during the day, and then you'll be there in the evenings. Better than them struggling to process the news with you having to continue to go to work.
4. It's never going to be a good time. So don't worry about A-levels starting etc. September is a better time to be telling them than during an actual exam period, anyway.

Hey op....my mum died when I was a teenager...so hopefully I can tell you what would have made things better for me. Decades ago no one spoke about anything like this...after she died I had to basically pretend nothing had happened. It was bizarre. Hopefully your DC will be able to access counselling... thankfully the world is a very different place now and there's no stigma to counselling or therapy. I was given nothing to really remember my mum....so make sure you have loads of photos, videos, voice recordings and write them letters. At least we have more technology now to make this sort of thing easier. Is there a particular perfume you wear? If so, buy them all a bottle of it. I still have a bottle of my mum's perfume...it's over 30 years old and still smells the same

Little notes sounds like a nice idea. My mum added captions to some of the photos in our memory boxes, just sort of explaining what was happening/who people were/why she chose it. Very very brief.

Maybe you could pick photos and/or objects and write little notes or labels to go with them? If having a prompt to write about would feel easier.

You don't need to get things perfect and you don't have to write any kind of note if it doesn't feel right. The letter my mum left is precious because it is a connection to her love for me more than for what it says. There are other ways you can give your girls that.

Contact Winston’s wish, they are experts in supporting children and young people through bereaved including situations like yours where it is about preparing for the loss. They have some great resources and will give you the advice you need.

Do your DC know you have cancer? There is no “right” time. Tell them as soon as you are able, a close friend & a close relative both left this discussion too late.
Try to have multiple smaller conversations rather than one big sit down discussion, perhaps whilst doing another task; driving, putting the washing away together, cooking tea together etc. try to speak to each child individually rather than all 3 together so that you can tailor the information given according to their age/understanding. Be honest, do not use euphemisms, and as hard as it is do not give false hope. Tell them the chemotherapy can slow the cancer down, but not make it go away. If you feel able, take them with you to your oncology appointments so they can ask your consultant questions if they need to. As a doctor I am happy to chat to my patients’ children to explain & answer questions.

I think honesty and age appropriate information is the kindest way. I was with my Dad when he was told his cancer was untreatable, and even as an adult it was so difficult to hear. So let them take it in, don't force the conversation and just be as open as you can bear to be? I'd also add that the specialist cancer nurses were amazing and a great source of information. Don't be afraid of asking about palliative care, they're not just there for end of life, they're great in terms of enhancing life quality too.

Think about when to tell the school and what to tell the school. I would suggest not telling the school more detail than the children know.

Thank you for starting this thread OP. I also have incurable cancer but my DD is only 6. I’m similar to you, I focus a lot on the practical day to day stuff, living in the moment rather than planning bucket list type experiences. I just want to live well for as long as I can & be there for my daughter.

I’m also very hopeful about all the amazing advances in cancer care so my philosophy is to hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. I was diagnosed as incurable in 2021, had a brief period of remission after my treatment worked better than expected (meaning I could have surgery) & am now back to incurable! You just never know exactly how long you have & nor do they.

Thanks for the contributions from those that have lost parents to cancer, I am really taking that advice on board. My Dd is autistic & I imagine that leaving a lot of cards/ letters for big events would be really hard for her so this is something I need to think about a bit more.

It is really useful to write details on the back of photos. I have photos of us all on a holiday for example, but I have no idea where it was.

@Giraffesareawesome I am glad you are finding this useful too, it is such a surreal position to be in, and something that only happens to 'other people', and yet, here we are.

I have only just been diagnosed and so I hope treatment will keep it at bay for a good while yet, I have everything crossed.

I think I will do a lot of little notes, and also thinking about leaving some trinkets for each of them - a necklace each, a replica of one that I always wear, so they can keep this to hand.

Do you have a partner or someone your DD will stay with? I hope you are getting some help with the day to day things too.

My DC do know I have cancer, and this treatment may or may not work - if it doesn't, the consultant has said we will try something else. But I don't think they have thought any further than this - ie what if it doesn't work. They are all of the mindset that something will work.

I keep imagining it as a big sit down together type conversation but actually doing it in small chunks and individually might work better for them, I will have to play it by ear.

I find the oncologist appointments very, very difficult myself and always take someone with me, so I won't take the children with me, but will let them know what was discussed.

Deciding to tell them feels like a good step in itself, and I actually feel quite motivated by it. I need to sort out final bits of other paperwork and then concentrate on the girls for sure.

Hi OP I was diagnosed with a terminal cancer last June. I have 2 DSs aged 15 and 19. We waited until I had the full facts from my oncologist to tell them. I have a very poor prognosis and I was very honest about everything. That way they know they can always talk to you about it without worrying about if you are holding anything back to protect them, or that they become over-concerned about protecting your feelings.

Be prepared for your individual children to take the news very differently. My 19 year old generally wants to be fully informed whereas my younger son is in happy denial.

How everyone is feeling is also massively influenced by how I am feeling. When I have been unwell recently (hospital stays for infection and blood clots) they are much more concerned about me but when I am relatively ok it is wonderful to see them "forget" and just be normal.

If you feel like it, do come and join us on the Stage 4 cancer thread ( on Life limiting illness board) There are a couple of ladies with your cancer and others like me with different cancers but we all understand what eachother is facing and it's a really supportive place.

Have a look on the Ruth Strauss Foundation website https://ruthstraussfoundation.com/
this was set up in the memory of Andrew Strauss’ wife who died leaving young children. The charities focus is on supporting families to talk to children about their cancer